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A Message from Michele
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Re: She's OUT! #7 [Re: Mumin] #2918186
04/25/21 09:45 PM
04/25/21 09:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 524
M
Mumin Offline OP
Member
Mumin  Offline OP
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 524
Hi All, and OB i hade seen your post. I have been trying to stay away from here and I am contemplating a ban for myself for a while. To grow and to let go. I still have anger.
I will get more into it and update more.
General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Anyway, I wanted to get some input from the wisdom of the board.
D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn’t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what’s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I’d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won’t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won’t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won’t allow OM here.

Also a tip. Meditation app, “waking up”.
I finally understand meditation!

Last edited by Mumin; 04/25/21 09:47 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: She's OUT! #7 [Re: Mumin] #2918187
04/25/21 10:06 PM
04/25/21 10:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 207
B
BL42 Offline
Member
BL42  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 207
Mumin,
Originally Posted by Mumin
General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Unfortunately sounds very familiar :-(

Originally Posted by Mumin
D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn’t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what’s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I’d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won’t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won’t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won’t allow OM here.

My W initially said she wanted to do birthdays and holidays and going out for ice cream together, but that all changed as soon as she moved out and had OM2 over at my daughter's 2nd birthday...not that I wanted to do them together anyway. We've been doing things separately, and that's fine by me - less stress/drama/anxiety without worry about W, M-I-L, OM2. I saw do your own thing and make it great for D3. Unfortunately she'll have to get used to doing things separately - that's divorce - but she'll have fun anyway. My S5 and D2 weren't sad at my parties for them because their mom wasn't there, and imagine they weren't sad at their mother's parties for them either (with me not there). They enjoyed both.


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Re: She's OUT! #7 [Re: Mumin] #2918192
04/25/21 11:04 PM
04/25/21 11:04 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,621
C
CWarrior Offline
Member
CWarrior  Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,621
Originally Posted by Mumin
I will ask D3 who she wants to be there. Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won’t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance. Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.

Sounds complicated. She's not your W, so you don't have to negotiate so much.

I celebrate my D's birthday at my house in the way and with the guests I and D want, my XW celebrates D's birthday at her house in the way and with the guests she and D wants. Our custody schedule alternates who holds the "public" party each year--so friends don't have to choose sides.

XW hasn't entered my home since D. It's me and my kids' home, not some shared home.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: She's OUT! #7 [Re: Mumin] #2918201
04/26/21 01:49 PM
04/26/21 01:49 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,632
S
SteveLW Offline
Member
SteveLW  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,632
Originally Posted by Mumin
Hi All, and OB i hade seen your post. I have been trying to stay away from here and I am contemplating a ban for myself for a while. To grow and to let go. I still have anger.
I will get more into it and update more.
General status is same except apparently OM is sleeping over while kids are at XWs place.
Me - So at moms you get to eat breakfast in front of the TV every day?
D6 - Almost, except for when OM is there.

Anyway, I wanted to get some input from the wisdom of the board.
D3 is turning four in a bit over a week and I asked XW about hosting a small party for D3s closest friends.
(Last year I did everything and XW didn’t have the guts to show up.)
She suggested having the party at the house (my house) and being outside if the weather permits it.
She also said D3 wants us both to be there.
I basically said I will think about what’s best and that I will ask D3 who she wants to be there.
How have you great ppl handled similar situations?
I’d prefer not being with XW, though will definitely listen mostly to D3s wishes.
Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won’t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won’t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won’t allow OM here.

Also a tip. Meditation app, “waking up”.
I finally understand meditation!


In my experience, being able to attend joint events for children is an important part of co-parenting. Obviously this can be difficult early on in a split when emotions and feelings are still raw. So I understand your concern related to not wanting to be with XW. But your comment about:

"Simultaneously I am almost certain XW won’t want specific ppl to come. My parents for instance.
Certain friends will also make her very uncomfortable.
My house my rules I guess. I won’t ask her what she thinks and I sure as hell won’t allow OM here."

So when does this start being about D3 and stop being about what XW is comfortable with or what you are comfortable with? This is a 4 year-old birthday party so it isn't as important of an event, but there will be many future events where you and your XW have to be able to attend, with your respective significant others, that will require you both to be grownups about supporting your daughter, not ruining the event for her, and understanding that her interests and well-being is more important than either of yours. Things like Sweet 16 birthday party, graduation from high school and college, her wedding, etc. It is unrealistic that in the future, if your XW ends up marrying OM, that you will never be at an event for your kids that XW and OM won't be also present at.

My W has had a life-long issue with trying to juggle events like this between her mom and her dad who divorced when she was 8 years old. The first 15-20 years of her life were ruined by her parents not being able to coexist and get along at various events of hers. Our wedding was the first time they both attended an event and didn't have a incident, and even then it was a very tense, uncomfortable situation having them both there.

Don't do that to your kids. Be the bigger person. Don't forget that this is her birthday, or it is her graduation, or that it is her wedding, and make it the most joyous occasion that you possibly can......FOR HER.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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