Ginger - I'm not sure if I'm looking to fill a void or not. I do know that I can be a lot of fun and I'll be right up front with that. I'm here to have fun, not looking for anything serious right now.
Ovrrnbw - Fair. I actually like your take. I've had two LTR's in my life. I can't remember how the first one ended, but I do remember that she came back twice and each time I wasn't interested, I had moved on. I guess I'm trying to feel that feeling and its getting close. In the sense that I'm looking to her for closure that could come one of two ways. The first, I spend time with her and I don't feel for her anymore. The second would simply be that I feel she has no feelings for me at all. I'm close on both accounts. I recognize that those here think I'm nuts - she has shown nothing that implies she has feeling for me - and you're 95% right. But there is this 5%; I want to close out that 5%.
If anyone has read up on Enneagram 3's, which I am, we tend to struggle to feel our own emotions as we tend to feel and take on everyone else's. We tend to create the image that other people want to see and struggle to be who WE are. Both of these things will be a lifetime struggle for me but over the past year I've at least become aware of them.
Overrnbw, I can control my reactions to my emotions - possibly all too well. Through my whole life people have told me that they don't think I have emotions. So I'll feel whatever I feel and I'll stay cool in the moments.
An I love that line "I don't think God or Nature intended on you following her lead." - Where has Overrnbw been? First time I think I've ever heard from you - that's strong right there.
Originally Posted by Steve85
And I know you are conning yourself into the "But, I would like to find a couple of women to be able to go out with from time to time." viewpoint. That is crap. The truth is that you have a few things going on underneath. First, you want to find your value and validation in being desired by other women. Second, you are afraid to be alone. Third, you want to show that low-down, no-good WAW just how quickly you can rebound with other prospects. And fourth, you think you have to have sex.
Haha. This was good Steve. We do disagree on dating though. When I was younger I thought that dating was to find a spouse. I'm not sure I'll look at it that way again. My worldview is evolving. And in regards to your four points: You could be 100% right on the first one. The second one, I'm not afraid to be alone, I just don't want to be alone when I don't want to be. I have no fear related to being alone whatsoever. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. Again, this could change a lot as the weather changes and I expect it to. In regards to 3, not really - but I do think that dating would impact my confidence and the way I hold myself, which would be seen - but I really don't care what she thinks in regards to this. And in regards to four I have proven I don't need sex, I wouldn't mind it, but its not a need.
That takes me back to something Ginger said. I will not date anyone that doesn't meet my standards, and my standards are high. I'm not just going out and trying to be with anyone, if I'm going to be with someone they need to be a professional, very attractive, fun, intelligent, and fit. I will not bend on my standards.
LH: Where you been? I'd been curious to hear from you. I agree with you. Women say they want a relationship, but I can be honest, tell them where I am, and from there I believe it is up to them. My friends whose wives came back, all of them had moved on and all of them had dated other women, even if their wife didn't know about it.
Anyhow, it will be interesting. The key on this is definitely honesty if I meet someone.
R2C: I completely agree, a part of the process is learning to interact with women again. I have to figure that out.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Do you understand your role in the breakdown of your marriage? Do you understand how your behavior contributed? Have you changed your behavior? Are you interacting differently with your wife? Does she see the change? does she respect you more?
Questions answered in order: Yes, I believe that I do. Absolutely, I understand how I contributed to the breakdown. I have changed some of my behaviors, I can still work on listenning better - I think that is a labor of life. Interactions with my wife are changing, for better or worse - I'm standing up for myself more and acting more like a "man", if that makes any sense. I don't care if she sees the change. And I don't care if she respects me more, its not about her or her reactions.
R2C: What are your thoughts on the Rational Male book?
LH: Where you been? I'd been curious to hear from you. I agree with you. Women say they want a relationship, but I can be honest, tell them where I am, and from there I believe it is up to them. My friends whose wives came back, all of them had moved on and all of them had dated other women, even if their wife didn't know about it.
I am following along Scotty B. You are one of my favorite but you are becoming a little unhinged here. If you are being honest and you will tell the truth about where you are at you will get zero interest.
Hi so and so my name is Scotty B and I am not yet divorced and have been trying to bust my divorce for 5 years. If my W comes back tomorrow you are history because I would like to keep my family together. Do you want to meet up? The sweet sound of crickets!
The point is Scotty, do you think high quality woman are going to enjoy being one of the few who get to hang out with you on your lonely days and knowing you are in that situation LH mentions above?
Scott, just wanted to say thanks for the thoughtful response! I think you've stated things well and I believe e that you're a critical thinker, and based on that you'll make good decisions moving forward. Let logic and reason and doing what's right be your guides and you'll do fine!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So the “meeting” tonight went well. She was her new self. Meaning not my old wife. Angry and blaming. She got upset with me because she said she was unfairly spending her money on the kids more than I was (I forgot to point out that I am the one that sends her the money). I tried to think through solutions to this with her.
She wanted written into the agreement that we could each see the kids in their birthdays and I said I wasn’t sure about that. As we went over the finances she accused me of not explaining everything to her. I remained calm.
And then I told her i was thinking about taking the kids on a ski trip, and asked her how she felt about it and she said “my opinion doesn’t really matter now does it” in a very pissed off tone. I just kind said Ok and left it there.
After the meeting I was good. No real emotional issues.
But then I got home and was on Facebook and under the people you might know her profile showed up. I thought she had unfriended me, so I looked, but she hadn’t. So I texted to say she had potentially been hacked. She said she would look into it. 5 minutes later the account was gone.
This is where I went wrong; I texted her again to say “looks like that account is gone” and she texted me back “I went in and deleted it.”
The picture on the account was from 12/2019 (the date was listed as the last update). Anyhow, that set me off some. It brought back feelings of her lying and hiding things in the past and didn’t sit well with me. It’s like I was so close to having done a good job and then the universe conspires against me.
Anyhow, at our meeting I did not discuss our relationship at all. I stayed focused on the business at hand. Once or twice she almost started crying as we discussed the kids. She attacked me several times. I didn’t react and I never backed down. I was not aggressive, I wasn’t gentle either. I treated it like a business meeting and when she attacked me I didn’t counter punch and just ignored it.
Truth be told she is the woman you married. You were sleeping with her when she had a boyfriend. Like a volcano she may have went dormant for years. But all that activity is still bubbling down below. I think your stbxw bought into the family thing for awhile but something is always missing. She had the affair and became addicted to the brain chemicals. Now she’s chasing the dragon. It’s going to take a really long time for to figure out these are fleeting feelings.
Truth be told if you would of divorced her after her A five years ago there is a good chance you would have at least had the opportunity to reconcile by now. My thoughts are too much damage has been done now and you could never go back.
She’s in a really bad place right now and likely will be for a really long time.
