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#2913818 01/29/21 12:45 AM
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Old thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2910160&page=1

CMM and my good friend who had a heart transplant and his wife got their Covid vaccines today - yay!

My optimism about us all getting vaccinated though is tempered by the data on these new Covid strains. The Brazilian one and the South African one may not be as sensitive to antibodies from the current vaccines or from previous infections - and are likely to spread like wildfire. (In South Africa, 90% of new infections are the new strain already.) So I caution all of you, even once you're vaccinated, do not let your guard down.

This is exactly what happened during the Spanish Flu pandemic, btw - a first wave in the spring, then the next winter a much more deadly wave. When a new virus infects that many millions of people, there are just too many opportunities for it to mutate, and the more contagious strains win out. Please be safe and get vaccinated when you can.

Off-label drugs may still have some promise for outpatient Covid cases, although the research is not as good as we would like yet. Ivermectin is being studied, an old antidepressant used for OCD called Fluvox is in a trial, and the American Journal of Medicine (the prestigious "Green Journal") just published an algorithm that restores a role for hydroxychloroquine in outpatient cases. In my limited experience, hydroxychloroquine did seem to improve breathing problems, although it didn't shorten the duration or stop the long term complications. Fluvox, on the other hand, was reported to result in NO symptoms after two weeks in an uncontrolled open trial - that would be highly unusual if true. I'll be following the research - it makes me a little nervous because the dose of Fluvox they are using is the maximum dose, and anti-depressants can trigger suicidality or mania in some people. But if it works as well as it appeared to it would be a real game changer.

Meanwhile my patient's 52 year old healthy husband has been on a ventilator and ECMO for a week. Take this seriously.

kml #2913831 01/29/21 06:03 AM
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Thank you KML for keeping us updated. So glad that CMM and your friends got their vaccines. Not sure about what vaccines are available in the States. We have two up here...Pfizer and Moderna. I had heard that Pfizer was not recommended for people who are immunocompromised but that Moderna was okay. Is that the case or did I hear it wrong?

kml #2913832 01/29/21 06:17 AM
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Pfizer and Moderna are what we have now too. Johnson and Johnson is being considered next week for an EUA.

Neither Pfizer or Moderna are a problem for immune compromised people - they do not contain any live virus and are almost identical, both mRNA vaccines with only minor differences. In fact, if you had to get Pfizer for your first shot and Moderna for the second, or vice versa, it would probably work just fine.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson and Johnson vaccines are based on modified adenoviruses and that might theoretically be more of a concern for severely immune compromised patients.

Last edited by job; 01/29/21 02:33 PM. Reason: corrected the spelling of "Ofizer" to "Pfizer"
kml #2913872 01/29/21 07:31 PM
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Looks like at least the Johnson and Johnson vaccine shouldn't be a problem for immunocompromised people either, although I don't know what the package insert will say. It IS an adenovirus based vaccine but the virus is altered so that while it can infect your cells and deliver its payload of Covid spike protein, it cannot replicate in your body. The main problem for immunocompromised people is vaccines that use a live, weakened virus like measles and polio vaccines.

(How do they grow this virus then? They give it a mutation such that it can only grow in the laboratory with the addition of something that it would not find in your body. I don't know the specifics yet with this vaccine, but a friend of mine does research on mosquitoes that will only reproduce in the presence of doxycycline, so they can release them into the community without having them reproduce there.)

kml #2913876 01/29/21 08:02 PM
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I would like to clear up here some of the many misconceptions about the vaccines that I keep having to debunk on FB.

No, the vaccine cannot change your DNA. mRNA vaccines like Pfizer and Moderna especially cannot do this. They don't even enter the nucleus where your DNA resides, and RNA does not turn into DNA. And even if you believe like some troll I encountered online that somehow the mere presence of the mRNA in your cytoplasm would change your DNA expression - what do you think would do that more? Having a few molecules of mRNA in your arm muscle for a short time, or having all the cells in your body infected with Covid making multiple different viral mRNA copies in your cells for days at a time???

No, it's not okay for you to just choose to get infected and "get it over with". The whole reason we see more dangerous strains evolving is because so many people have gotten the virus, and most outbreaks start with someone's carelessness. When millions of people get infected the opportunity for new strains arise - the more infected people, the more selection pressure on the virus to become more contagious. Getting everyone vaccinated and breaking the train of transmission is the way to stop this from happening. "Herd immunity" from everyone getting infected does not work, as the city of Manaus in Brazil has shown us. So far we are just LUCKY that the new strains are more transmissible but not apparently severely more damaging (The British strain might be 30-40% more deadly). Imagine if a new strain arose that was ten times more deadly? The way to prevent this is to prevent infections, by mask wearing, social distancing and vaccination.

Adverse events triggered by the vaccine are WAY WAY less common than death and disability from the virus itself. Just because you know a handful of people who got the virus and had a mild course does not change the fact that 10-20% of outpatient cases have some long term consequences and 2/3 of hospitalized patients have long term damage. And these are just the things we currently know about. For instance, Covid can trigger orchitis (inflammation of the testicles). This can lead to infertility or low testosterone. The testes are rich in the ACE2 receptors that Covid attaches to. Full blown orchitis seems to be a rare complication (although I have a case) - but how many men may have had a low grade case and may end up with testosterone deficiency in the future? No one knows because we aren't following that kind of thing, and it might show up ten years later. Same for heart disease - will the people who recover from cardiac inflammation with the virus become a surge of heart disease patients ten years later due to scarring of their hearts? We don't know.

No, "at risk" people can't all just stay home so you can go out maskless. Many do, but they have to interact with family members who live in the same household, they have to go to the doctor's. We ALL have a role to play in protecting the vulnerable people in our population, and that means mask wearing, social distancing, and getting vaccinated so we can break the transmission of the virus. I'm so tired of selfish trolls saying "well you just stay home then if you're afraid of the virus". Essential workers can't do that. Plus, you can't be sure you're not "at risk". My niece the ECMO nurse watched a 32 year old die yesterday of Covid. She's had a 19 year old die. My patient's husband on ventilator and ECMO is probably going to die - he's only 52 and previously healthy with just a mild asthma history.

Yes, masks work. In the current environment with these more transmissible strains starting to spread, you need a better level of mask protection than you had. Double mask, or wear a N95 or KN94 mask. The more contagious the virus, the smaller viral load it takes to get sick, so be extra strict with your precautions. Wear a mask, save someone's life.

Once you're vaccinated you still need to wear your mask and socially distance until the pandemic has calmed down. The vaccines are very effective but NOT 100%, and effectiveness may decrease as new strains appear (we may need a booster in the future to give us better immunity against the South African and Brazilian strains, for instance). Some immunity is still better than none. Getting vaccinated AND continuing to wear masks and socially distance should bring the virus under control.

My niece has been an ICU nurse for three years, and has spent the last year as an ECMO nurse treating almost exclusively end-stage Covid patients. She works incredibly long hours and is suffering from PTSD from all the death and destruction she has seen. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for her and the many other healthcare workers on the front lines like her.

kml #2913879 01/29/21 08:25 PM
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And btw, there's no fetal cells, no heavy metals, and no microchips in these vaccines! Honestly, the crazy stuff people read on the internet and believe with no basis in fact is astounding. A friend of mine who is a hospital nurse is eager to get his mom vaccinated - she won't get it because she's afraid of "evil Bill Gates" microchipping her!

kml #2913881 01/29/21 08:32 PM
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Lord have mercy but people are loons! If I had a nickel for every person I heard say "they ain't forcing me to get it so they can track me" while they were talking on a blasted cell phone which is, spoiler alert, TRACKING THEM, I could quit my job and lie on a beach drinking margaritas all day every day for the rest of my life. People are just strange. And, to those I say, sit the heck down and let those of us who are not crazy conspiracy theorists get ours.


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5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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kml #2913889 01/29/21 09:03 PM
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I already know that trying to argue with you or change your mind is fruitless, but for the other readers I add a few comments just for perspective. I base these mostly on my home states very well documented and verified stats.

Your niece must have the worst luck ever, or her patients do. I’m staying clear. smile. Of over one half million of confirmed cases in my state, we’ve had exactly TWO (2) die under the age of 20. TWO!!!!!! One of those was confirmed to have leukemia as well. Not sure about the other. That puts our death rate for a 19 year old at .000374%. Tragic for that person and their family but about the chance of getting struck by lightening. OTOH if you are 90 or above in my state you have more than a 1 in 5 chance of dying from covid. If 80 to 89 it’s greater than 1 in 10. That’s where the problems are - not in the extremely unlucky, and very likely already very sick, 19 year old.

I honestly think masks might possibly help a little bit. To think they are any significant answer to our problems is very naive. They are not even in the same ballpark as a vaccine. We had a statewide mask mandate go into place in August when there were about 400 people hospitalized. Since after the mask mandate numbers have never been as low as they were for months prior to it. They peaked at near 2,400 people hospitalized a few weeks before thanksgiving and months after the mandate. So in other words after a mask mandate the numbers infected increased by over 6 times! A cynical response might be that masks have caused the increase of covid by 6 times. That’s simply not true either but the evidence shows the outcome has done nothing. You can’t do something to refuse the number of infected, see that number increase 6 fold, and still claim it’s working.

For sure covid needs to be taken seriously. Just not more seriously than life itself. It’s but one component of life even though it’s clearly become an obsession for some. Education has greatly suffered. The least at risk, our children, have suffered the most. Businesses wiped out. Depression, suicide, drug overdose and abuse through the roof. By all means we need to safely vaccinate. We need to continue reasonable precautions. Masks are not a suit of armor. I constantly see people tell someone to out on a mask - before hugging them!!!! That’s insane. We are about to see if any of this worked as even California is about to start opening things. The super bowl will have 20,000 plus in the stands. Let’s see what happens after. I’m sure it will be the same as after the elections and thanksgiving and Christmas and school openings and state openings we we were told these things would cause numbers to surge and soar. Instead they stayed the same or went down

Balance. Hopefully that’s some balance.


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4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
kml #2913911 01/30/21 05:48 AM
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Just because people are stupid and don’t wear their masks properly doesn’t mean masks don’t work, it means people are dumb.

Numbers are increasing because we’ve let so many people contract this virus that new mutations have arisen that are more contagious. That’s why the new recommendation is to double mask or wear an N95 mask. With more contagious strains, you can become ill with a lower viral inoculation.

My niece sees the patients who are on their last legs, as ECMO is the very last treatment they can offer. 2/3 of patients on ventilators and ECMO die. She doesn’t even see elderly patients anymore because they don’t waste limited ECMO on them. She sees the younger patients that might have a chance of surviving.

And again, people like to diminish this virus by only talking about the deaths, but the long term morbidity is shocking as well. Young people may survive but they are not immune to the other complications.

Vaccines are the ultimate answer but we can’t get there without continued mask wearing and social distancing too - the combination can cut the chain of transmission.

kml #2913930 01/30/21 01:54 PM
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Remind me to never get kml wound up about something she is passionate about - LOL.

So .... How's the 1000 mile challenge going? Got that furniture re-upholstered? Been able to move your instruments and get some practicing in?

laugh laugh laugh


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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2913937 01/30/21 04:37 PM
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Got the drums moved. Not as many miles this month as I’d hoped (I was more out of shape than I realized and had to take a few too many rest days) but still way more miles than I was getting before!

Haven’t finished reupholstering the chairs, got involved in too much reorganizing at home - I should finish the office chair this weekend though, thanks for the reminder! I only need to sew the cover and staple it back on, the hard part of removing all the staples is done.

I can’t remember if I mentioned it here before, but watched the movie Wish Man on Netflix a few days ago. An inspiring story of the guy who started the Make a Wish foundation and how he overcame a troubled childhood.

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
Remind me to never get kml wound up about something she is passionate about - LOL.

LOL yeah passionate or obsessed, it’s sometimes a fine line. Not sure in this case but clearly masks have become an obsession for some. I still see far too many examples of people who simply don’t know how to operate and wear them correctly - like the US legislator who pulled his mask down to be able to sneeze directly into his hand and then replace the mask - with the same hand. Don’t know where he wiped the rest of the sneeze but you just can’t make this stuff up. I’m sure a quick Google search could locate this video.

All I know is in my state the number of positive cases, those in the hospital, those in ICU and those who have died, are all exponentially worse since our mask mandate went into place. And the legislature is poised to remove it next week so we will see if that changes anything in the downward trajectory we’ve seen since November. I suspect it won’t as masks have such a minimal effect. Perhaps if warn correctly and consistently they might be a bit more effective but they are clearly not - below the nose, hanging off one ear, constantly touching and adjusting, removing to talk or drink or eat (or sneeze). Ha! Just thought, it’s kinda like online dating, a good idea on paper but the actual execution just falls short.


DonH
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kml #2913999 01/31/21 05:42 PM
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Wintertime increases have nothing to do with your mask mandate, everything to do with ill-advised holiday gatherings, more people indoors, and the news strains which are more prevalent than previously recognized because we’ve been doing a sh!t job of genomic monitoring.

My friend who is a hospital nurse and has seen the Covid carnage firsthand can’t get his at-risk mom to get the vaccine because she believes Bill Gates is going to microchip her. Others believe the vaccine will change their DNA (it can’t ) or that it’s too dangerous, even though the virus has more than a 1 in a hundred chance of KiLLING them. If you are worried about the effect of having one single type of mRNA for one single protein of Covid in your arm muscle for a very short time, what do you think is the effect of having ALL the different mRNAs of the virus making ALL the Covid proteins in all your cells for days or weeks at a time from a Covid infection???? How does it make ANY sense to them that the infection is safer than the vaccine???

The same people apparently also believe Jewish space lasers are setting fires in California yo clear land for a high speed train.

kml #2914000 01/31/21 05:51 PM
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I’m not obsessed, I’m on my weekend off making daily calls to patients. The 60 year old woman 9 days into her Covid with worsening shortness of breath who I am trying to keep out of the hospital. The woman whose 52 year old healthy husband has been on a ventilator and ECMO for a couple weeks now, his lungs still look terrible, and odds are very high that he won’t survive - but if he does survive he’ll likely be seriously compromised. Following up on the obese diabetic man of color who I followed daily throughout the three weeks after Xmas, who should have been admitted but wasn’t quite bad enough to win a bed in Los Angeles at that time, to make sure he’s recovering and doesn’t need a further adjustment in his treatment regimen.

Yes, Covid is on my mind. Legitimately so. I have a tiny practice of about 500 patients and I’m still seeing this much morbidity. I had ten new cases between Xmas and New Years. It should be on everyone’s minds.

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I love redoing furniture! I get such a sense of accomplishment.

I'm sorry you are in the thick of it with Covid, but you are a blessing to those patients.

Thanks again for all of your support and encouragement on my thread. Please do take care of yourself and stay well.

((((kml))))


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kml, just stopping by to thank you for all you do. It sounds like a very challenging time to be a medical professional who cares about his patients. Wishing the best possible outcomes to all you have mentioned.

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I don’t have much experience with furniture 97hope but have two patient chairs in my exam room that the bonded leather on the seats was flaking. I just couldn’t find similar chairs for sale (these are particularly sturdy and comfortable) and was able to find a color match in my local discount upholstery shop, so I recovered the seat on one chair and am finishing up the second. It turned out to be a little more complicated than expected but the first one turned out well and the second one even better. Luckily I have good sewing skills.

(Apparently I have mad color matching skills too - I picked out the leather color from memory without bringing in a sample - it’s such a good match that I don’t have to recover the backs, which are still in good shape. smile ) The hardest part of this whole project was prying out the million staples.

Next up is replacing the fabric on the seats of my dining chairs but that will be a much simpler project without any sewing involved.

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mom and dad have several antique platform rockers which need new seats. an interesting project for the future.


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"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Wow - Covid patient of mine who stopped answering his calls - I thought perhaps he'd been hospitalized. Nope - arrested because his crazy girlfriend, who he'd rescued a couple of years ago from homelessness and addiction, accused him of pushing her. Mind you, this guy was febrile, with falling oxygen levels, and she was screaming at him like a madwoman during our last phone call. Pretty sure HE'S the victim here, not her, as I've known him for 15 years and he's just not that guy. I have a call in to the detective.

Warning for all you guys out there - don't try to rescue crazy.

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Originally Posted by kml
Warning for all you guys out there - don't try to rescue crazy.
I think that beyond being a hero that part of the appeal is that it could be imagined that the power dynamic shifts in favour of the rescuer. I know that certainly was one of the things that has crossed my own mind.

Addiction - of any sort is something to avoid. As I learned to my own detriment, it's the addiction they focus on and personal relationships pale. And that was with a hoarder and not a substance abuser.

I expect that's why some men go for the "mail-order bride" thing too. One of my neighbours is engaged to a girl from Thailand that he met online. I know of another in my village who did marry a woman from Indonesia I believe, who then started abusing his kids.


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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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This guy is very kind, a blue-collar kind of guy who built his own modest house and has a modest retirement. Quite short and no Adonis but he's a decent guy, pretty athletic, loves motorcycles and windsurfing. I don't think the rescuing for him is about a power dynamic at all - but I think he doesn't have that much success with women in his late 60's and was lonely for female companionship.

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plus I've been told by some male friends that crazy is better in bed ...


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Originally Posted by bttrfly
plus I've been told by some male friends that crazy is better in bed ...
It's a known fact that weight loss is assisted by heavy breathing. The body converts fats to organic ketones like acetone and expels it out of the lungs. At least that's my excuse for putting on weight over the past number of months crazy

From my - very limited - experience, crazy doesn't last. Give me someone who rolls over, lays their head on my chest and asks if I'll be the one who gets up into the cold house to put the kettle on any day.

Being woken up by someone at 3:00 am who has just finished getting high and is feeling frisky can be fun - twice - but after that, no - I'm good and need my beauty sleep laugh And because even that required effort, it wasn't sustainable.

To quote the ancient philosopher Jack Pearson "Kissin' Don't Last (cookin' Do!)" Maybe I need to date another Italian laugh


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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
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maybe you need to date yourself for a bit first my friend


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D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Standing in line for my second vaccine shot! So happy for this miracle of modern science.

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Btw - for those who don’t know - this mRNA vaccine technology in the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines holds great promise in the future for other infectious diseases and also for cancer treatment.

kml #2914893 02/12/21 06:46 AM
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Great news KML!!! I think what people don’t understand about this vaccine is that it didn’t just appear out of the blue...they have been working on this technology for years. If I’m not mistaken, since SARS? The pandemic has fast-tracked things a bit because they have a lot more people interested in it and hence, a lot more money. I’m with you. When I really stop to think about it everything we all take for granted, I am in awe of modern science. smile

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how you doing post 2nd shot Kml???


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S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I’m great. Had just about 3 hours of low grade fever about 15 hours after which kept me awake in the middle of the night but was fine when I woke in the morning. Note: I could have taken some Tylenol and probably would have gone right back to sleep but I was conducting an experiment to see how high my fever would go and if I would develop any other symptoms. It’s a good sign that my first shot worked well and made lots of antibodies!

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Glad you are doing well, kml! Thanks for the updates!
*Give me a loyal, faithful Barney Rubble over an adonis any day of the week!!! lol


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by kml
I’m great. Had just about 3 hours of low grade fever about 15 hours after which kept me awake in the middle of the night but was fine when I woke in the morning. Note: I could have taken some Tylenol and probably would have gone right back to sleep but I was conducting an experiment to see how high my fever would go and if I would develop any other symptoms. It’s a good sign that my first shot worked well and made lots of antibodies!

i truly love you - conducting an experiment xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2914930 02/12/21 09:55 PM
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Well I AM a scientist by training! wink

My observations: fever peaked at 100.9, mostly 100.3. Some very mild chills before bed - actually just felt like it was a little cold in our bedroom, but I knew it was me because CMM is always colder than me, and he was comfortable.

I didn’t have muscle aches or headache . No GI symptoms. No fatigue beyond what was expected from being awake in the middle of the night, and a nap fixed that.

My pulse was a little fast because of the fever, and I was a little thirsty because of it.

Overall, it was a slightly peculiar experience. While it happens because your immune system is mounting the response it normally would if you were coming down with something - it lacks the underlying effects of an actual infection. So you get the inflammatory response but without the underlying sensation of being ill.

kml #2914968 02/13/21 08:42 PM
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Just going to post here about denial.

If you have a viral illness right now, unless it is easily identifiable as say, chicken pox or somesuch, you NEED to get tested for Covid. The presentations are SO variable, it can present as just a headache, or just GI symptoms, or a cold, or just a brief fever. Of course one hopes it’s just a cold or whatever, but without a Covid test you cannot know, and you may be recklessly exposing others to a potentially deadly disease. The last patient I had who was in denial about his illness being Covid missed the opportunity window for simple preventive measures that might have reduced the severity of his illness early on and ended up in the hospital for several days.

The CDC guidelines for returning to work (which frankly are a little too short but designed to get people back to work) are ten days after onset of symptoms and no fever for 24 hours without fever medications and symptoms are improving. (Some people can still shed live virus for up to twenty days though; ten days only covers maybe 90%). A negative test is not required for returning to work because some people can shed dead virus for weeks or months that will show up on the test.

Right now colds, influenza and other viral illnesses are really down because of masking and social distancing, so even if it feels like a cold, please get tested. You don’t want to be responsible for the death of a coworker, or a coworker’s grandma. If you don’t or can’t get tested, assume it was Covid and wait ten days. Also, if you caught a cold or other viral illness that means your current protection against Covid is inadequate and you need to figure out how to improve it. If you can catch a cold you can definitely catch Covid.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record but my niece is working herself to the bone as an ECMO nurse treating ventilator Covid patients. If you could see and hear what she does you would treat this virus with the respect it deserves, and behave responsibly for the sake of our hardworking healthcare workers and your fellow man.

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My sister lives in Portland Oregon. I know it’s business as usually for the Canadians on here, but unusual for Portland - they’ve had an ice storm and a power outage. My niece drove to her work at the hospital yesterday in very dangerous icy conditions. My sister has been told they won’t get power until late tomorrow.

All things I’ve never had to deal with. When we had a widespread power outage here once, we just drove home (in terrible traffic) and barbecued in the back yard.

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Good news - my sister has power again this morning!

On this Valentine’s Day, I am reminded of my ex’s lack of enthusiasm for the day. That was a huge red flag right there that I should have noticed. But I made all kinds of excuses for him.

Wearing my special Valentine’s Socks from CMM (he collects unique socks, it’s his “thing”) and looking forward to the steak dinner he’s cooking for me tonight.

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(Oh, and I got CMM Bernie Mitten Meme socks and a book called All Blood Runs Red. A fascinating story of a black man who led a fascinating life - became a boxer, moved to Paris, served in the French military during WW1, became a pilot, owned a nightclub with Bricktop..... looks to be a great read. I’ll be heading out to See’s later to pivk up my candy order. )

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Well, my sister’s power went back out yesterday afternoon. They cooked dinner over her daughter’s backpacking stove. She says tree branches are breaking everywhere around them.

Meanwhile it’s another sunny day in paradise here. I feel guilty!

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Hi Kml,

Lucky you with the sun! You SHOULD feel guilty. wink

Special socks and a steak dinner! Someone's treating you right. I'm happy for you! Who's the good man? I do plan to catch up on your sitch soon, having read only bits and pieces over time.

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CMM is a guy I started dating 2 1/2 years ago. 3 months in he was laid off (due to the tariffs) and simultaneously diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I took him in (as I knew he didn’t have income to pay rent AND his bills - without rent he can pay his bills ) expecting he’d be dead within 6 months (median survival for his type and stage). But he’s still with us after 2 1/2 years (not cured by any means, back on chemo, but relatively stable ) . He still cooks dinner for me every day (and he’s a good cook).

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Well! I think I posted before about a patient I had, whose rare (but definitely taught in medical school!) neurological condition had been missed by three neurologists at his HMO even though I was telling them what his diagnosis was and the diagnostic bedside test I had done which was positive for this condition. So I've been treating him (cautiously as the medication used for this isn't used for anything else and I had no real experience with it) and referred him to an outside neurologist recommended by the organization for people with this disorder (this neurologist agreed with my suspicions and my treatment plan when we discussed the patient initially).

He saw her, and she recommended a repetitive nerve stimulation test to try to clinch the diagnosis (since his antibody tests were negative, as they can be in 10% of cases). Well he FINALLY had the test today and it definitely confirms the diagnosis!!!! He and I are thrilled! I mean, it's not great to have this disease, but to finally be vindicated with a diagnostic test that confirms the diagnosis! This means he can go back to his HMO and they will have to treat him for what he actually has, instead of telling him it's psychosomatic and sending him back to his psychiatrist!!!

This has been the single most frustrating experience of my entire medical career, being blown off by those a$$hats at his HMO when the diagnosis was textbook! I'm so thankful that the patient happened to know my son and my son asked me to help him. And he's elated, after so much medical gaslighting, to have his diagnosis confirmed with a test they can't argue with. I'm smiling pretty wide right now.

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Wow, KML. Interesting. Glad you are doing well and that your bf is having some good days.



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Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Oh and sorry for the double post. My exh used to say Valentine’s Day was the most important day of the year. Apparently he feels different now. He told his wife this past weekend that it was a “$h!t, fake holiday” and that no one was getting anything. :-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Wow, kml, you are an awesome individual--taking in CMM, warning about COVID here, and helping this fellow! The people I've known in the medical field deal with the emotional weight by compartmentalizing (the patience ceases to exist when they leave work) or keeping an emotional distance (the patient is a funny story). These patients and outcomes sound very important to you, and yet you don't seem overwhelmed.

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There's a lot of burnout in medicine today unfortunately. I'm an old timer who has been practicing for more than 35 years so I remember the days when it wasn't like it is now. I've managed to avoid burnout in my later years by structuring my own practice the way I want. The downside is I don't make nearly the amount of money I would make working for a big organization (I make about half). The upside is I don't deal with insurance, I treat the diseases I am interested in (not doing general primary care anymore - they can see other people for their colds and vaccinations etc) and I spend one hour appointments with my patients, so I have the luxury of actually thinking about their diseases and listening closely to the clues in their histories.

Most people who go into medicine do so out of compassionate interests, but the grind and stress of medical practice today can beat that out of them. Some of course are just in it for the money, they're more likely to be in lucrative specialties. I could have gone into almost any specialty I wanted but I found in my training that I liked the variety of family medicine. I worked in a busy urgent care center early in my career and liked the variety and making new diagnoses.

I think, unfortunately, there's another factor happening in the US today besides just burnout. When I went to medical school, it was one of the best occupations you could aspire to, and it was very competitive to get accepted. It's still competitive, don't get me wrong, but the rise of Silicon Valley drained off a lot of good minds who could make their fortunes quickly in computers. I have heard of more stupid doctoring (i.e. stupid things said or done to my patients or their family members by other doctors) in the last ten years than I ever did in the whole rest of my career prior. It does worry me about the quality of medicine being practiced today. (My business partner and I have made a promise to each other to keep our medical licenses active in retirement just so we can treat each other if need be!).

Still - there are many caring family doctors out there and the best thing you can do is find a doctor you can stay with, who can get to know you, and who you can communicate reasonably well with. Good family doctors will recognize that they can't know everything but will be willing to read up on something if needed.

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Quote
My exh used to say Valentine’s Day was the most important day of the year. Apparently he feels different now. He told his wife this past weekend that it was a “$h!t, fake holiday” and that no one was getting anything. :-)


Haha GB - just in case you thought his new wife was getting something better than you had - NOPE! Wherever they go, there they are.

kml #2915348 02/18/21 10:19 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
. Still - there are many caring family doctors out there and the best thing you can do is find a doctor you can stay with, who can get to know you, and who you can communicate reasonably well with. Good family doctors will recognize that they can't know everything but will be willing to read up on something if needed.

So many good comments in this post and I agree with most. Funny I just dealt with this AGAIN today. For much of my life I had a GREAT family doc - internal medicine. He was VERY sharp. Took care of my mom and dad, took care of my grandparents and worked with and allowed me to be their daily providers into home hospice as the official nurse was granted an hour a day with them. He even took care of my exW for many years. It was an old fashioned practice with him and his partner. A few years ago he sold the practice to a huge provider here. I can’t blame him as I’m sure it was a very smart financial decision. They moved him into a brand new shiny clinic. His long time staff quickly got fed up with the new bureaucracy of the big conglomerate and quit. Clearly his plan was to retire which he did 3 or 4 years ago - less than 2 years after selling his practice. Luckily my health picture has not changed much but I’m already on my third new doctor. They come and go within a year. The staff sux. I did my last physical in April, for whatever reason my refills ran out yet they refuse to refill them because my doc is no longer there ven though I’m 20 months into my every 12 monty visit plan. Just crazy. And we are not talking oxy and Xanax or something - it’s flipping potassium! Rather than argue I just called one of my doc friends who called it in. I am pretty sure if I could speak to the doctor he’d just refill it. I just can’t get to him, never met him before so took this path. New guy started practicing in 1983 so wanna bet he retires in a few years and I’ll be onto doc #4. So yes, finding a long time doctor is great advice. Sadly it’s easier said than done. Sort of like finding a long time loyal partner in life.

And when you do get sick.... OMG. My dad is nearly 85. He’s not at all the typical 85. His quality of life is near mine. Other than he can’t Fng hear and refuses to get a hearing aid, he’s in great health, until out of nowhere he developed a plural effusion. I won’t go into it all but it’s turned into a fascinating case. After ruling out some of the common causes including PE and CHF, the somewhat young pulmonary specialist tells him “m pretty sure you have cancer.” They do a pluroscooy and install a Plurex catheter (very cool invention BTW) after which in recovery doubles down on he thinks it’s cancer - not only cancer but mesothelioma! That had came up already so I had researched it. About 3,000 people are diagnosed with mesothelioma in the USA annually. That’s TINY!!! 1.5 million get a plural effusion. Near100% is directly related to asbestos contact. Im like where did he encounter asbestos? Nothing in his history to indicate this. Other than the fluid buildup he has Zero symptoms- none. No cough, no weight loss, no bumps, no symptoms actually. He Triples down and says everyone gets something at the end of life and you just got this. He walks me through using the Plurex catheter and quadruples down saying, “this is exactly what malignant plural effusion looks like.” My dad took it better than I thought but I could tell he thought it was all over. By now I’m guessing readers know where this is going. NO CANCER. 27 slides were all negative and a second opinion from a renowned doc confirmed he was 100% certain it’s not mesothelioma or another cancer.

Why did this doc open his yap? I could immediately see the profound difference in my dad after he was told he didn’t have cancer the doc was humble about it and I’m confident or at least hopeful he won’t make this same mistake again but I’m sure it’s the same thing you are talking about. BTW the effusion has resolved on its own, catheter will likely come out. They will scan him every six months for two years to be certain and his lung has fully re-inflated and he’s back to 100% normal. I have to wonder how his original PMD would have handled all of this. Heck, his new doc said his lungs were clear - when he had a pneumothorax and was Absent base to midway up and clearly diminished on top. How could he miss that? He’s been useless in this entire case. Yes, it’s not common and it doesn’t even have an official name though there are several studies that have identified it and followed hundreds of patients with it. “Your lungs are clear but I’ll send you for a chest X-ray”. Oh look at that, your lung has collapsed due to nearly a half gallon of fluid compressing it. And they call him doctor.

The other best advice I can give everyone is you have to involve a knowledgeable family member or friend in your healthcare if you are sick. It’s a must. You cannot rely on today’s medical system with 10 minute rushed visits to figure out and follow the whole picture. This doc made a quick gut guess that likely would have been correct more often than not. He treated the machine and lab results - not the patient. He assumed my dad was the average near death 85 year old. He didn’t know my dads grandfather lived to his 90s, his father lived to 97 and mother to 95. You must be actively involved in your healthcare or find a friend who can assist you in that.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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you are AWESOME

Originally Posted by kml
Well! I think I posted before about a patient I had, whose rare (but definitely taught in medical school!) neurological condition had been missed by three neurologists at his HMO even though I was telling them what his diagnosis was and the diagnostic bedside test I had done which was positive for this condition. So I've been treating him (cautiously as the medication used for this isn't used for anything else and I had no real experience with it) and referred him to an outside neurologist recommended by the organization for people with this disorder (this neurologist agreed with my suspicions and my treatment plan when we discussed the patient initially).

He saw her, and she recommended a repetitive nerve stimulation test to try to clinch the diagnosis (since his antibody tests were negative, as they can be in 10% of cases). Well he FINALLY had the test today and it definitely confirms the diagnosis!!!! He and I are thrilled! I mean, it's not great to have this disease, but to finally be vindicated with a diagnostic test that confirms the diagnosis! This means he can go back to his HMO and they will have to treat him for what he actually has, instead of telling him it's psychosomatic and sending him back to his psychiatrist!!!

This has been the single most frustrating experience of my entire medical career, being blown off by those a$$hats at his HMO when the diagnosis was textbook! I'm so thankful that the patient happened to know my son and my son asked me to help him. And he's elated, after so much medical gaslighting, to have his diagnosis confirmed with a test they can't argue with. I'm smiling pretty wide right now.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Well, after a slow start in January , yesterday I finally reached the 100 mile mark in my 1,000 mile challenge! I think I’ve figured out how to squeeze it into my schedule - the worst case scenario days I just pace while CMM makes dinner or during TV after. (He cannot handle me walking the neighborhood in the dark, even though it’s a super safe neighborhood; in his mind I think it just fills him with fear that something could happen to me and then where would he be?). I’m on pace to hit my February goal, and if I can keep this pace up, I’ll be able to finish the year with with a little leeway. Hoping to step the pace up slightly so as to give myself a month of leeway.

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Originally Posted by kml
Well, after a slow start in January , yesterday I finally reached the 100 mile mark in my 1,000 mile challenge!

Great job! We're 50 days (1/7th) into the year, so you're close to the "ideal" 140 miles. Seems like a SMART goal--challenging enough to push you, but not overwhelming. Do you plan to enter any races this year?

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I’m walking, not running - never been able to become a runner. If it weren’t for the pandemic I might sign up for a 5k that includes walkers - maybe later in the year it will be safer. I’d like to get back into my race walking gait once I get a little fitter - the last time I did a 5k a few years ago I think my time was 43 or 44 minutes, but I know I can do better if I get back into shape and train for it. Right now I’m still just working through muscle soreness and building back some strength, as I’ve done next to no exercise for the last year and a half. But that’s a good idea, to set a goal for a race later in the year and set a goal to improve my time. Obviously, I’ll have to get back out of the house to work on that race walking stride though lol.

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44 minutes for a 5k is a pretty respectable time. My walk around the village is about 5K and takes me a bit over an hour. Much longer if I run into someone to talk to.

One thing I do is walk with a walking stick. It actually makes the walking a lot easier and also - as a guy - gives me something I can use to poke at random stuff I encounter. I found when walking without a stick that the blood would pool in my hands and actually get quite uncomfortable.

In those walking races, can you use a stick and poke at things? "Obviously" not your fellow racers .... I presume. I've seen people who use 2 sticks a la cross-country skiing but find that a single sturdy stick works well for me. If it's long enough you could put a knob on top and pretend you are a wizard too laugh

I'm presuming that the bad weather has stayed on the other side of the mountains from you?


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Yes, we are enjoying typical beautiful weather and feeling very guilty.

Not sure about stick poking during a race lol. In my skinny youth my fastest race-walking mile was 12 minutes, I’d like to aspire to that although it might be very unrealistic at this age and weight. (Mind you, I was never a real race walker, but I can do the gait).

Don’t be in a rush to fill that space with a dating relationship - a broad group of friends and regular friend activities can fill many of those needs and make you more able to evaluate dates with a clear head. I know that’s hard to do during this pandemic, but soon enough it will be possible.

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So I tried a fast half mile during my walking yesterday - 7 minutes. So once I get into better shape (including cardiovascularly) and have better endurance, I should at least be able to get down to a 14 minute race mile, which would put me on track to repeat a 43 minute time on a 5k. That's a good goal at my age I think! Just have to get past the point where all my hip and thigh muscles are grumbling at me lol and to where I can maintain that pace for a whole 5k.

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Originally Posted by kml
Well, after a slow start in January , yesterday I finally reached the 100 mile mark in my 1,000 mile challenge! I think I’ve figured out how to squeeze it into my schedule - the worst case scenario days I just pace while CMM makes dinner or during TV after. (He cannot handle me walking the neighborhood in the dark, even though it’s a super safe neighborhood; in his mind I think it just fills him with fear that something could happen to me and then where would he be?). I’m on pace to hit my February goal, and if I can keep this pace up, I’ll be able to finish the year with with a little leeway. Hoping to step the pace up slightly so as to give myself a month of leeway.

hit it myself on Valentine's day. Weather here has been uncooperative in terms of outdoor walking. I'm at just over 120 today.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Good job! I'm right behind you at 113.5! We got this!

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Hit my February goal of 90 intentional walking miles, for a total of 130 so far this year. Got almost nothing else done this weekend though, I'll admit. (Although, to be fair, my Friday off was radiation and chemo day for CMM so pretty much taken up with all that. ) Just felt lazy and went with it. wink

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Originally Posted by kml
Although, to be fair, my Friday off was radiation and chemo day for CMM so pretty much taken up with all that.

Bah! Excuses, excuses. wink Great job on the 90 miles!

I recall you said if CMM gets better, he's out the door. If he doesn't get better, are you going to be okay?? What you are doing is so compassionate, it's mind-boggling. I don't know how I'd handle such a loss.

kml #2915862 03/02/21 01:19 AM
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Oh, he's not going to get better. His disease is terminal. I was just saying theoretically, if some miracle cure was invented in the next few months. He has stage 4 lung cancer, has had several bony metastases (rib first, then hip bone, last fall in his shoulder), is getting radiation to a couple of lung tumors right now that are active despite his chemo since September. He also now has a large lymph node under his jaw that the oncologist and I are pretty sure is a metastasis but the radiation oncologist wants to evaluate it more before deciding whether to irradiate it. Unfortunately his specific type of lung tumor - a KRAS mutated NSCLC - does not have any targeted therapies and is a poor prognosis. Even new experimental trials for KRAS mutations, which are notoriously hard to treat, are for DIFFERENT KRAS mutations than the one he has, so he can't get into an experimental trial. He's also already had a PD-L1 inhibitor too (kinda like Keytruda but newer). His oncologist has been pretty clear that there really aren't any other options than what we are doing now, and none of this is curative, just slowing things down. (And yes, I've already done numerous integrative/alternative treatments which is probably why he's lived so long, but none have cured him.)

Basically, his median life expectancy at time of diagnosis was 6 months, he's now 30+ months in so he's done much better than anyone could have reasonably hoped. His quality of life is still decent although not great. He might still be here next Christmas, but probably not the Christmas after that.

kml #2915863 03/02/21 01:43 AM
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And CW, in so far as handling the loss- it's a funny situation, He was diagnosed just 3 months after we met, so it really doesn't feel the same as losing a long-time love. Our relationship was so new, it just feels like this has always been a part of it. It's not so much "I'm losing someone I love" as it is "I'm dating a dying man". It has taught me to live in the moment - NONE of us are guaranteed tomorrow, so we should all make the most of today. We have already had many more good days together than I would have thought possible. And I feel like it was not a coincidence I was put into his life just before his diagnosis, as a physician with an integrative bent. I'm not personally afraid of death and dying, so it's not a strain on me in that way. And it's a very good thing that I can do for another human being . Even if he's a somewhat difficult human being at times. My Jewish friends would say it's a Mitzvah.

He cooks for me, cleans, does everything he can for me because he feels he's "building up credits" for the future when he will need more care. I think he'll be disappointed in my cooking lol when he's no longer able to do so. (I'm not a bad cook, but he's a very good one. )

kml #2916034 03/05/21 03:21 PM
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Last night I came home from work exhausted and sad. As a physician, it seems like I’ve spent the whole year fighting people’s denial about Covid. My last call yesterday was from a good friend whose very healthy 32 year old nephew contracted Covid a month ago. He had a mild case and was recovering well - until yesterday. A clot in an artery in his leg sent him to the hospital. The first surgery to restore blood flow didn’t work. They were taking him back in for a second, and if that failed, they would have to amputate his leg. I walked three miles last night, even though I didn’t want to, because I could, and he couldn’t.

Please people, I care about all of you and want you all to be safe and well. I was a molecular biologist in my former life. We are not done with this virus, so don’t drop your guard. In probably no more than 60-80 mild to moderate outpatient cases in my practice and personal life, I have seen a shocking percentage with long term consequences - and these weren’t hospitalized patients. It gave my son diabetes. My friend lost hearing in one ear. Orchitis, asthma, severe chronic fatigue, cardiac issues - you wouldn’t believe the variety. So please - continue to mask up and be cautious. I highly recommend the vaccines when it’s your turn. The life you save might be your neighbor’s, or your grocery clerk’s, or your waitress’s mom.

Also - most people don’t know that the monoclonal antibody treatment like Trump got, is available for high risk patients in the U.S. . BUT it works best in the first 72 hours, and they won’t give it if it’s more than 10 days after the onset. So spread the word, high risk people (including anyone 65 and older in my county) need to be tested early, at a lab with a quick turnaround time, then request a referral for this lifesaving treatment.

Please be safe out there. My niece, the ECMO nurse in the ICU treating Covid patients, saw three young patients die this week.

kml #2916056 03/05/21 09:50 PM
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Hi kml,

I'm praying his second treatment is a success. It sounds terrible to be that son, or his father hearing his son's leg may be amputated, or a friend hearing that about his friend and his friend's son. Great job getting in that walk!

I appreciate your warnings about COVID. I will definitely be as mindful as possible while camping and hiking this weekend. It's a struggle to adjust to 6' social distance. I have to almost be rude sometimes, continually stepping backward as people alternatively remember and then forget about social distancing.

kml #2916057 03/05/21 10:41 PM
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They got two clots on the second surgery, but he has two more. Spent the night on a blood-thinner drip and is going in back for a third surgery. I'm no vascular surgeon but it sounds pretty bad. All prayers welcome.

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Sending Prayers.

Thank you for sharing your first hand experiences with Covid. My heart goes out to those that have to deal with it on a regular basis. I was able to get the vaccine completed at the beginning of the year. There was no hesitation.

Stay safe and be well.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Third surgery on my friend's nephew's leg finally got rid of the clot, but he was still in a lot of pain so I'm not sure what's going on there.

Today I felt like an old-timey doc. I saw a charity patient (I occasionally will see a patient for free who can't afford my services but really needs something I can provide). She brought me a large plate of delicious-looking homemade muffins in payment. (I say delicious looking because I can't eat them - gluten! - but my staff said they were wonderful and I'm bringing one home to CMM. She's German so I imagine they're great. )

kml #2916350 03/11/21 06:51 PM
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I am happily signing up for Medicare - it will save me several hundred dollars a month once it kicks in and I will have much better coverage. smile There are SOME advantages to getting old!

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So - a little bit of a dilemma.

I need some help from my ex with a problem I have with a patient. Just a piece of information from him, about how best to proceed with the HMO that was his long-time employer, with an issue regarding a patient of mine. He knows people I don't know, and has access to information I don't have, and should be able to direct me to the right person.

Usually I try to communicate with him only by email. But I've sent and resent this email to him 3 times now over the last month. At first I just assumed that he might have been out of town, or just missed the email. It's not super -urgent so I was content to wait. I don't really have any friends currently working for that HMO that I could ask. And the patient is a long-time friend of our son's.

Now I have to decide whether it's worth texting him (I HATE texting him because I still get a pit in my stomach when I see messages from him, I much prefer email) or whether I should simply try to find some other avenue of getting the information I need (although I contacted him because I was running into obstacles trying to find the info on my own.)

The kids aren't aware of him traveling anywhere but to be fair, they don't communicate that often so they very well might not know if he was off somewhere remote.

kml #2916360 03/11/21 09:16 PM
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Send a text.
xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2916361 03/11/21 09:30 PM
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Ugh - you're right, bttrfly. I just really hate texting him.

kml #2916364 03/11/21 09:52 PM
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Ok - just sent "hey, please check your email when you get a chance"

Hopefully then he will respond via email and not text.

I honestly would rather ask anyone else but I just don't have someone on the "inside" like he is that can point me to the right contact.

kml #2916367 03/11/21 11:54 PM
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Well, got a fairly prompt response: “Will do. smile

Is it weird that him including a smiley face creeps me out? I mean, I’m glad to catch him in a good mood. But long experience of him being overly friendly or polite while sticking a knife in one’s back makes me nervous. I’m hoping to just get an answer to my question without any excessive polite chit chat.

kml #2916417 03/12/21 07:55 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Is it weird that him including a smiley face creeps me out?

It's the first time I've heard this. I never considered my smiley face emojis could be creepy, lol! I wonder if "(:" or ":)" is more creepy?? Given the context of what you've been through, though, it makes sense.

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Hi kml, I hope you get a quick reply to the email you sent. It always amazes me when one form of contact gets a reply quicker than another. Glad you got some kind of response.

Good luck


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Yes he actually sent a polite and helpful response. Apparently his multiple interactions with the healthcare system about his own medical issues and those of his parents has given him some frame of reference and empathy.

It’s like a form of PTSD - I never know what contact with him will contain some ugliness that pops out of nowhere. It’s a relief to have a normal interaction, but I avoid it as much as possible, because I never know when the snakes will jump out.

kml #2916457 03/13/21 08:18 PM
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I can certainly sympathize with that. I know that on the extremely rare occasions I've had to communicate with my ex that my stress level is through the roof. She had a very cutting way of putting me in my place that after all those years together is probably wired into my medulla.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2916655 03/17/21 06:23 AM
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Saw a patient today who had Covid a couple months ago, diagnosed when she presented to the ER in new onset atrial fibrillation (undoubtedly caused by Covid) . She just got out of a new two week hospitalization for heart failure brought on by a-fib, now has a pacemaker and on digoxin. Hoping her a-fib goes away when her heart recovers from Covid.

Next weekend CMM and I will go visit a couple who have been friends of mine for 40 years. The husband had a heart transplant two years ago. All four of us are fully vaccinated, and nobody goes anywhere but to doctors appointments, and in my case, my very low risk office. It’s going to be fun but strange to actually spend time indoors with friends!

kml #2916721 03/17/21 11:34 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
All four of us are fully vaccinated, and nobody goes anywhere but to doctors appointments, and in my case, my very low risk office.

What a sad way to live a full year of life. You don’t get this time back you know, like credit for “good behavior” or something. I remember how it was very common for many to say to make every day count, make the most of everyday as you never know how much time you have left or which day might be your last. “Live everyday as if it’s your last,” it’s been said. A full year of going nowhere and for certain for one of you your final days most certainly are numbered. But, hey, your life, your choice. At least some balance would make more sense to me, as again the days, weeks, months, and soon years, are yours to waste or to on,y live working and going to the doctor. Perhaps worse yet, at least some data is now showing no difference between California’s draconian lockdowns and Florida’s limited restrictions and attempt to stay open. Very different approaches but both had the same results. I hope time proves you made the right choice as again you can’t get this time back.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
kml #2916723 03/17/21 11:58 PM
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I'm not coming off 2 months on a ventilator and ECMO like my patient this morning's husband. I haven't had to havr 5 surgeries to save my leg from Covid-induced blood clots like my friend's healthy 32 year old nephew. I don't have Long Covid with palpitations and fatigue 1 year later like my business partner's healthy 32 year old son. If I have to have Zoom and telephone chats with friends and hang out with the people in my household for a year and wear a mask everywhere I go to prevent that, I'm totally willing. I have a high risk person at home. Not willing to risk his life. Or mine. Nothing sad about it - you do what is necessary in a war or a pandemic.

BTW Florida has been caught lying about their Covid numbers and California still has a smaller rate per 100,000 so any similarities may be illusory. We did great here until a home-grown variant came in after Halloween, and we are back to pretty low compared to other states now. Florida is currently at 21 cases per 100,000 per day (assuming they're not still fudging the numbers) and California is at 7 per 100,000 per day.

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Originally Posted by DonH
Perhaps worse yet, at least some data is now showing no difference between California’s draconian lockdowns and Florida’s limited restrictions and attempt to stay open.

Hi Don, I'm often astounded by what the East Coast believes the "Draconian lockdowns" of the West Coast require. I've been 95% compliant--I read what "Stay At Home" orders say--and have averaged 1.5 roadtrips/month. I enjoyed two wineries. There are modifications. On my road-trips, I packed all my food and drinks to avoid stops and often camped. In the early days, I sometimes had to find clever parking spots outside of parks and beaches. At the wineries, I had to sit at an outdoor table 8' from others, order a charcuterie play, and wear a mask that covered my mouth AND nose when not eating. I have missed carpools, handshakes, and big gatherings. My life hasn't been on-hold at all.

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And Don, remember, I'm not isolated like you. I do see my coworkers - we're all masked and distanced - I did have 3 other people living in my house - and I have seen patients when numbers were low enough, although all screened and masked. So don't think I'm underestimating how lonely this can be for single people living alone.

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So get this:

It’s like a form of PTSD - I never know what contact with him will contain some ugliness that pops out of nowhere. It’s a relief to have a normal interaction, but I avoid it as much as possible, because I never know when the snakes will jump out.

UGH!
I'm glad he's being civil, sorry you had to send email 3x


Survival Goddess
"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker






kml #2916771 03/19/21 06:33 AM
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Yeah SG, I know you can relate!

Well, did a little recreational snooping today. Do you all remember the “I don’t do relationships” guy that I would occasionally see? I saw him a bit before I met crazy ExBF, we stayed friends (talked maybe once a year) and reconnected for a few dates when I was between crazy exBF and CMM. My BFF said I was “going to the spa” when I would go see him for the weekend, because I’d come home so relaxed.

He ghosted me abruptly shortly before I met CMM. It was strange, because I knew we weren’t exclusive (when a guy tells you he doesn’t DO relationships on a first date, you believe him! I actually really appreciated his refreshing honesty). It was a no-expectations super-casual thing. There had been no negative vibe between us.

At first I assumed he was going through a depressed period (he had a history, and was a bit of a loner). It wasn’t unusual for him to drop off the radar for a while. As more time went on without him answering the occasional text or email, I thought maybe he actually was seeing someone more seriously. I did check to make sure there was no obituary.

I assumed he would just show up again someday, as our communication had gone through fallow periods before. I got a bit worried but had no way to check on him.

Well - a couple weeks ago it occurred to me to check Zillow, and sure enough, he’d sold his loft in October 2018, about 7 months after he ghosted me. Today I dug a little deeper. There are a fair number of people with his name, and online records searches can be inaccurate (I mean, I get junk mail for my ex and his new wife, neither of whom have ever been in my home!) . Still - I found someone the right age and name showing connections to his old place and to an address in Henderson NV. I think I’ve pieced some of the (likely) story together.

His loft in Long Beach had appreciated about $200k in the time he’d owned it and was mortgage free. He was working retail at an airport after a period of unemployment and I knew money was tight. I’m guessing now, but I figure things got tight enough - or something happened to make things worse - and the answer was to sell his place, buy a less expensive place in Henderson, and bank the difference to give him a cushion. His loft sold three weeks before the new place in Henderson was purchased, so I think I do have the right guy. The new place was purchased for about $200k less that what he would have realized from the sale of the loft, giving him a nice cushion. It’s an attached home, about the same square footage as his loft but two bedrooms with a small yard.

Henderson is a popular retirement destination for Southern Californians, in part because of favorable taxes and in part because of the cheaper housing.

I feel relieved, knowing that’s all that happened. I imagine he might have ghosted me because of feeling bad about his financial difficulties. I’m happy to know he would have been in a good financial position to weather 2020. This doesn’t sound like any of the bad scenarios I considered (stroke, heart attack, suicide). I hope he’s happily golfing.

Also, today was ten years since I bought my home! Boy, the 12 years since my divorce has flown by. I’ve had quite a few adventures since my ex left!

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lots goes on in Henderson, NV ...


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2916790 03/19/21 03:31 PM
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Does it? I’ve never been but expected it to be largely a retirement town. I know it’s preferred by So Cal folks because the temperatures are somewhat milder than in Vegas proper.

I imagine it was a difficult decision for him to make - he loved his modern loft near downtown Long Beach and the beach. (I did too!). He grew up in LA. But this would have allowed him to have a good financial cushion instead of struggling. And I’m sure he could have gotten a job in Vegas.

It just gives me peace to think he’s ok. It seems like a prudent decision.

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Had a great visit with my old friends yesterday. I haven’t laughed that hard in forever, the husband is hilarious and his wife can be pretty funny too. I first met them in my 20’s at a wedding and we’ve been friends ever since - 40 years!

I have to admit, it was like seeing the life I thought I would have. Their long, loving marriage. Retired together. Two beautiful sons and three (soon to be four!) beautiful grandchildren. The steadfast support they’ve given each other throughout illnesses (her menopausal bout of depression, his heart transplant and other things).

They showed us a video their oldest son had made for his father’s recent 70th birthday. Photos from throughout his life and video comments from family members and childhood friends. A life really well lived.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and they love me, they’re all wonderful people. But they struggle with the damage left by their father’s departure and his behavior since. None are settled in relationships and grandchildren are extremely unlikely in the future. The mistake I made in choosing their father reverberates down into their lives. I was capable of the kind of life my friends had together, but married a man who was not. We really should teach young people better how to assess potential life partners. My exH looked good on the surface, but I blew past the red flags of his underlying narcissistic traits.

Oh well - at least my kids have one parent who is steadfast and strong. We make our new traditions together.

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It's hard to not make comparisons to those who "succeeded" and to have regrets. As you did, we can at least take some pride in what we have accomplished despite the land-mines tossed in our paths. 25+ years is no small accomplishment.

I was just trying to think about what sort of magical world it would take for us to know in advance that we picked the "right" partners - or more accurately - not the "wrong" partners.

I know that when I met my ex-wife she seemed like a decent enough fit. Certainly some things that made me uncomfortable that I overlooked as I didn't know better and the love-bombing was intense. And like with you, it more or less worked for quite a long time. We adapted - they adapted. And despite the difficult times I think we both had what we thought was a pretty decent marriage - otherwise we wouldn't have ended up here trying to save it.

I personally think that there's not a huge amount of difference between the marriages we had and those that "succeeded". I would imagine a good number "successful" marriages have a person in them who is selfish, self-centred and entitled. None of us are saints.

I too fall into the envy trap - and like you I hope - combined with feeling happy for the happiness of others. And the regrets on what "could have been" and will never be.


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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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I don't feel envy - I'm happy for my friends. It's just a tinge of regret that I didn't choose better - but then again, I suppose I could have chosen worse!

It's the effect on my kids' lives that I regret the most. I still feel like I got more good years out of my marriage than most do - but I can't help but wonder how my kids' lives would be different if they'd had a different kind of father.

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So this week my patient with the rare neurological disease saw a new neurologist at his large HMO who ACTUALLY did the right kind of physical exam and actually admits that it might be what I know it is. He does want to do some more tests to be sure (even though the history, medication response and outside nerve test all confirm the diagnosis) but at least he seems to be able to see what's right in front of his face and I actually got an email response from him (something none of the other neurologists there did.) He also ordered the long overdue chest CT scan which needs to be done to rule out thymoma (or lung cancer - unlikely but a rare cause of a similar syndrome). Hooray!!!!

kml #2917103 03/25/21 08:00 PM
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Woohoo! Kml strikes again, making the world a better place one patient and kindness at a time.

kml #2917111 03/25/21 11:30 PM
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Thanks CW, it's a blessing to do work that I love.

kml #2917206 03/28/21 02:42 PM
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Life here is steady, work has been crazy busy for the last couple of weeks but that’s good for the bank account, which took quite a hit during a slow January and February. My youngest got his first Covid vaccine a few days ago which greatly put my mind at ease, since he moved out recently and was going to be at more risk in a new place with new roommates and socializing more. He picked up some work in the food industry and so was able to get vaccinated. Now all three of my kids have had at least one shot, I will sleep a bit easier. (Our state plans to open up vaccines to all 50 yrs and over on April 1st, then all 16 and over April 15 - things are moving right along).

CMM got an extra week off chemo because of scheduling issues with his doctor, I think he will benefit from the extra recovery time. His treatment right now isn’t curative, just holding the line, so it’s a balancing act between keeping the cancer slowed down and the effects of the chemo.

I read an article yesterday predicting a Roaring 2020’s similar to the 1920’s - a time of exuberant excess after the Spanish Flu pandemic. In the 1900’s it was like everyone just wanted to forget the Spanish Flu. It’s barely even referenced in novels and movies of the time - or subsequently. I wonder if Covid will be similarly forgotten in a
haze of debauchery? Perhaps not - we don’t have the additional horror of WWI to forget, and Covid didn’t affect the young the way Spanish Flu did. Young adults were severely affected in the Spanish Flu pandemic (a misnomer, btw - most countries involved in WWI weren’t reporting on the flu pandemic because of wartime security concerns, so news of it came out in the Spanish papers first, but it didn’t originate there.

I’m just a month away from Medicare, which means I’ll no longer have a huge medical deductible, and I can put the $400 a month in savings towards my mortgage. I’ll be starting with a new medical system in town and look forward to finding new doctors and getting caught up on some health maintenance stuff.

I haven’t gotten nearly enough miles in walking in March - between longer days at work, some pain from my old SI joint injury from when I got rear-ended at a stoplight, and just some fatigue catching up with me, I just had trouble keeping up the pace. But April will be a new month and I’m determined to find a way to squeeze it in.

Stay well out there, everybody .

kml #2917208 03/28/21 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
I wonder if Covid will be similarly forgotten in a haze of debauchery?

I'm very curious what the world will look like post-COVID. We've learned many jobs traditionally done on-site can be done from home, wearing masks during the flu season reduces colds/flus, and as you say many people have been waiting, waiting, waiting to travel unlike me and all my road trips!

Originally Posted by kml
April will be a new month and I’m determined to find a way to squeeze it in.

My trainer would tell me, three more days in March, make the most of your pre-game. wink

Glad to hear all your kids are at least partially vaccinated! I'm close enough to my date I'm starting to talk to look into the three vaccines and which would be fully or mostly effective by the time of my trip. You know, just in case I happen to want to chat with an ECMO nurse into Harry Potter while I'm up in those mountains, lol.

kml #2917221 03/28/21 10:31 PM
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Really, any of the vaccines are fairly good after two weeks and really good after 4 weeks, even if you haven’t gotten the second yet. I recommend the single shot J and J for people who have already had Covid, or who are high risk for allergic reaction. But I think the two shot mRNA vaccines are a bit more effective at preventing infection. All are great at preventing hospitalization and death though.

kml #2917247 03/29/21 04:34 PM
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Caution Michiganders - a 56% increase in Covid cases last week with a sharp upswing, suggests either a more contagious strain is loose there or people are abandoning their precautions too early. This virus is not done with us yet, keep taking precautions people. Get vaccinated when you can.

BTW you can see the nice Covid graphs at Washington Post or NYT without a subscription, if you give them your email address.

kml #2917320 03/31/21 10:56 AM
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I had my Moderna shot in Dec-Jan. Thankful to live where I do. Most that live here respect the mandates in place. However, being a tourist destination, some visitors fall through the cracks.

It worries me to hear some states opening up and losing masks. Hey, I'm sick of the marks too, but I comply.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
kml #2917336 03/31/21 04:57 PM
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Yes this fourth wave in Europe and many US states looks concerning - we are in a race of the vaccines against the variants. Being in an island state you do have some better control over things there - plus people generally probably have better vitamin D levels - but those tourists are the irresponsible ones you have to worry about.

I'd be happy to wear a mask in public forever if it saved lives. I may well wear one every flu season from here on out even after the Covid pandemic is gone. I certainly will never go out with a cold again in public without wearing one.

Well, I guess I should start a new thread. https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2917335&#Post2917335

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