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((scout)) Decision made—sleep well!


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Scout, I get the rage. I think for me, because OD was such a bad father, I accepted long before the marriage ended that I was the one that would have to do everything for the kids. When he left, nothing really changed. Everyone in our lives kept saying that. What's different? He didn't take them anywhere, go to their performances/recitals, etc. He was a non-entity.

My suggestion to be the one to take S2 to this type of thing was to give him stability, safety, and for you not to ride this emotional rollercoaster of having expectations of someone who will, inevitably, fail to meet them. Even as a dad.

Take S2. Make it a fun day. Make it a learning day. In time ex will lose interest in S2 and you guys will move on seemlessly, as you've done.

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((( Hugs ))) Hi Scout, hope you've been able to get some sleep. Sleepless nights are the worst.



Originally Posted by scout12
But to throw a spanner in the works, X said that FIL would be the one picking up S2. I’m not super comfortable with that because I don’t think S2 would go willingly with him. I would rather drive him myself than force him to go upset. On the other hand, if I was the one to drop him off, I don’t feel certain that S2 would be comfortable with me leaving him alone at SIL’s place either.


Scout, do you trust FIL to pick up S2? Will he be safe? I get how you feel, I really really do. And I hope that your FIL is a trust worthy person, a trusting grandparent. If he's a trusting person, IMHO, I'd accept the offer to have him picked up.

Originally Posted by scout12
He has been crying when I drop him at daycare this week.


Those moments always tug at your heart strings. We FEEL for our kiddos and want them not to cry. I tell D4 that kids (and adults) cry when they don't have the words. I get it, and I know how you feel. Gosh, I've worked for a bit at a child care drop off at a gym, and had plenty of crying drop off. They always stop after the parents go, because they feel okay and feel trust.

Originally Posted by scout12
I would crawl over broken glass to prevent him feeling alone and abandoned. I just hate that they’ve engineered this situation, it feels very unfair and insensitive to me, but I think it would be best for S2 if I just handle it all myself. Guess I’ll just have to sit with this anger for a bit.


((( hugs)))) Whatever you decide to do, it's your call. I was wondering the other day if they would offer to do pickup or drop off. Split the driving sort of speak. If I had to choose, I'd let FIL pick up and get S2 later. Kids parties don't really go on that long... The timeline is probably for those who want to drop by... "Come by anytime between 8am -5pm..." And you get to decide when you pickup S2. (Does he ever do sleepovers with extended family? Just curious... )
Whatever you decide, know that you're doing what's right for you. And I'm sure S2 will be fine with what you decide.

YOU GOT THIS MAMA! smile


Last edited by CanBird; 01/22/21 09:20 PM.

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Good Morning scout

How did you sleep? Are you feeling better?

X’s family and the continual engineered “problems and difficulties” are them pushing your buttons. Every time it’s another “oh wait we can’t because ____, so we need you to ____”. People treats us as we let them.

You have an agreement that specifically states who is responsible for drop off and pick ups. It doesn’t state that is the only way of doing things, it is just the agreed to default when other arrangements cannot be agreed too.

The engineering of more and more problems is just weaponizing S2. X and his family are using S2 to push your buttons. Perhaps not as maliciously or vindictively are it looks when written out so plainly. However, their intent is not for the best interests of S2. That’s pretty clear.

It is a far too common occurrence, and an unfortunate one at that, children of divorce get treated less properly than they should by their extended family. It’s an extension of their treatment towards the ex-spouse. Blood is thicker than water. True, S2 is of their blood, but he is of your’s first and foremost. X is of their’s first.

When XW left, her relatives called and promised I was always welcome, they love me and the kids, I was always a wonderful person, etc. etc. That lasted mere months. There is no conversation between them and me, or them and the kids. My children, the innocent in all this mess, are shunned as well. Why? Blood is thick. And my kids were teens and spoke their minds and hearts. Nothing like a volley of truth darts to ward off one who doesn’t want to see or hear the facts.

My kids are of DnJ. Half their genes come from me (D) and half from J. (Haha, I just realized what I typed. DnJ.) So yes, my kids are of D and J.

In divorce it only takes one. One of the parents is usually the “cause” of the family break up. Amicable, jointly decided, friendly, divorce probably happens somewhere, mostly on TV shows methinks. Divorce is messy and children usually side with one of their parents more than the other. That bloodline becomes “thicker”.

J’s family is a step removed. J threw her kids away. My kids values are definitely of DnotJ. And her extended family fades away.

You do realize you can have S2 not go to the party, right? You don’t have to play their game, and jump through their hoops. Or you can ensure S2 gets there and back.

The current dilemma and problem is the timing. You haven’t had time to premeditate what you would do. This is the engineered part of this. The short notice “problems”.

Whichever way you decide to go will be fine. The next round will be different. Consider the next time such events were to unfold. What preferred action and response would you like to have at the ready? In other words what beliefs and values do you want to follow?

Originally Posted by scout12
I am hopping mad, like wake up in the middle of the night hopping mad. And here’s why. Over my dead body will I allow anyone to make an innocent two year old little boy feel like a hassle or a burden. Over. My. Dead. Body. I would drive a thousand hours to prevent that from happening...

You are good Mom.

S2’s uncles, aunts, grandma not so much.

I had aunts, uncles, and grandparent (and parents) that I knew I was loved and carried for, by their actions. And I had some that didn’t give a fig about my Dad, and therefore me as well. I still love the former, and ever hardly think of the latter.

People will forget what we do for them, but they never forget how you make them feel.

One cannot craft a relationship for two other people. S2’s extended family has to step up and do better, or they will fade away.

D


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Masterful words from DnJ, one of my favorites in the Collected Works of DnJ.

I would add to that that once you start worrying about enforcing agreements to teach any of these schmoes a lesson, you become a slave to justice. Instead, become a disciple of mercy! S2 is the center here, where all the mercy needs to go. And sometimes it will mean NOT bringing him to a party and sometimes it will mean driving two hundred miles in the rain and waiting in a crappy dirty diner to pick him up after. (But maybe at the diner you will meet the love of your life or some other adventure!)

I will paste Portia's words on that below!

The only person to consider in these situations is S2. When the world does him wrong, you fix it if you can and comfort him if you can't. You can't fix H or the family dysfunction who spawned him. And you can decide when it's good for him to be with them because they are blood and when it's better to not expose him. As DnJ says, he will eventually decide for himself, based on the way they made him feel during that part of his life when you were the one who had to decide.

I wrote about something a priest told me -- You can't fix the engine while it's hot. If you are screamingly mad, don't take any action or decide anything. Wait until the next day. Go for a run, work in your garden, etc. Make an appointment with yourself to decide on something when your engine is not hot. I sometimes have to scream at myself and writhe around on the floor and sob on my knees in or out of church, but do what you gotta do to make it through the hot engine before you actually make a decision.

The quality of mercy is not straind.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The thronèd monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings;
But mercy is above this sceptered sway.
It is enthronèd in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute to God Himself;
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, (Merchant)
Though justice be thy plea, consider this:
That in the course of justice none of us
Should see salvation. We do pray for mercy,
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy....

—Portia, in William Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

Last edited by Gerda; 01/23/21 04:38 PM.

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I like the idea of just doing what you think is best for S2. You’ve mentioned before that having relationships with his cousins may help take the place of sibling relationships. And it’s usually a good thing to have grandparents, unless they are toxic.

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I’m with KML. Keep it simple . What’s best for S2?if you think S2 will not be comfortable being without one of his parents there, then don’t take him at all. He stays gone and sits this one out. He’s 2, he will never remember if you think he would love to go, the. Make it so that it’s the most comfortable for S2.

Leave everyone out of the equation except for you and S2

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I came back to read each and every post several times and let it all sink in. Called my mother to talk it over. Didn't respond to X right away. Wrote and rewrote my response. Waited for a quiet and calm moment to hit send. And yet, some truth darts did sneak in to the email. No, I'll own it. I made it clear that I was disappointed by their attitude toward S2. No response from X.

(((cardinal)))

OwnIt - You were right. Yes, nothing changed when he left. A non-entity. Sounds familiar. But we move on seamlessly.

CanBird - I'm sure FIL would be competent enough to pickup S2, but my concern was that S2 would not feel comfortable enough to go alone with him. FIL is a cold man. S2 has had a couple of sleepovers with the family and it sounds like SIL is his main attachment figure, which makes sense as she has two toddlers of her own.

DnJ - These people are weaponising S2, this is exactly the source of my anger. I did eventually sleep, but before I did, I imagined all the things I wanted to say to MIL. He doesn't have to go to the party, correct. If there was no party, I wouldn't even consider taking him. But I believe he will enjoy it, so he will go. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. I am a child of divorce. Myself and my siblings were always welcomed by my dad's family, even though my mother was the one who ended the marriage. I'm feeling disgusted by how weak these people are.

Gerda - The Merchant of Venice is my favourite Shakespeare play, thank you for bringing those words into my day. You can't fix the engine while it's hot-- I love that. I probably could have waited another day or two before responding, but eh.

kml - Still not convinced the grandparents aren't toxic, but S2 seems to enjoy playing with his cousin.

Ginger - Keep it simple. You're so right. I still care too much for the opinion of people who don't care for me.

After another screaming daycare dropoff this morning, I'm confident that I made the right decision to support S2 by taking him to the party. It's unusual for him to be upset when I leave; I can only think of a handful of times over the past two years. Poor little fellow.

One last thing. I took S2 to the waterpark with one of his friends on the weekend. When we were leaving, he asked if his friend's mum and dad were going back to their home together. I said, yep, they are, his mum and dad live together. He said my mum and dad don't live together. I said, nope, they don't. He then said "My dad is a nasty man". I was shocked and blurted out "No! He isn't!" but then realised I shouldn't be so prescriptive, so I asked why. He said "you're not dad's friend". I said no, I'm not. "Dad is my friend?" I said yes, if you want him to be. He seemed satisfied with that.


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Hi Scout. Hope the daycare drop offs get better for your little guy. Is the cousins party this weekend? Sending good vibes mama.


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Yes, the party is tomorrow.

I never heard a response from X to confirm the dropoff arrangement so I can only assume it’s been communicated to his family. He said MIL would be in touch, but she hasn’t. After ranting and raving internally about how it shouldn’t be my responsibility to do so, we’re off to the toy shop to buy cousin a little birthday present from S2. The present is from him, not me. It’s never too soon for him to learn that you don’t rock up to a party without a gift for the host.

He didn’t get upset at daycare dropoff yesterday. We talked beforehand about what was going to happen and how I always come back to pick him up. I explained that my work is very important and how it’s good manners to be on time. We had a quick revision of the meaning of courage— when you feel scared, but you do the thing anyway. He showed me his strong muscles and his strong heart. Gave me a kiss and let me walk away. Proud of him.


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