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A Message from Michele
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Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913273
01/22/21 11:26 PM
01/22/21 11:26 PM
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OnlyBent Offline
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The reason I asked is because I feel that same feeling towards my STBXW's OM. But then I asked myself why do I hate him?

I don't know him as a person, but I do think I know his values. He is a guy, who had just recently D'd himself, with an S about the same age as mine, who willingly pursued something with a woman who was still living with her S and H, who was trying his hardest to work on his M and keep his family together. He bought what my STBXW was telling him and even got involved by slinging mud about me.

But...does that mean I should hate him or loathe him? I am a very kind and compassionate person, I don't think I've ever really hated someone that much. From what I know about him, I think he is a pretty low person, whom probably doesn't have much compassion or empathy. Do I want my S near the person who aided in tearing apart his family, absolutely not, but not sure if I feel hate either.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913274
01/22/21 11:35 PM
01/22/21 11:35 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 523
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Mumin Offline OP
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I get that OB. I am sorry for you sitch!
Things will get easier.

Not sure I hate OM either, never met him.
But I know I donít like him and what he stands for and then D3 asked about it.

Hang in ther OB and thanks for posting!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913275
01/22/21 11:35 PM
01/22/21 11:35 PM
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Posts: 5,561
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Ginger1 Offline
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Originally Posted by Mumin
Steeling this from hope:
We are dealing with people who are willing to destroy families, spend tens of thousands of dollars, risk the loss of friends, reputation etc. - all to fill the void in their lives. All to "feel" better. Caring nothing for the devastation they leave in the wake.
I donít like those kind of ppl. I donít like my XW anymore either.

But no need to dig there. I used to obsess as much about him as XW in the beginning but I am past that. This was about me talking to my kids and not putting them in the middle.



My ex married his OW. Began cheating with her while I was pregnant without first and only baby. 13 years sheís been around and they will be married 10 years in April. Iím one of the few on the boards who had to experience that one! I used to beat to death the fact that she must be an awful person to insert herself in a marriage where there is a baby on the way. Truth be told, I donít hate her. I hate what she did . But she treats my daughter well. All that really matters.

When my D was 3 she overheard me talking on the phone and I said something along the lines that I didnít like OW. She went to her dads house for a weekend and she told OW she didnít like her because her mommy doesnít doesnít like her. It was a moment where I realized my feelings need to be totally left out else time with her dad wonít be good and healthy.

Trust me, I understand how painful it could be for you. But this is where you throw yourself in front of a bus for the peace of your child

Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913277
01/22/21 11:40 PM
01/22/21 11:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 523
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Mumin Offline OP
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Omg ginger, that sounds horrible!
Exactly Right on doing whatís best for the child.
Iím really glad I didnít say anything stupid/mean and hope I wonít.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913279
01/23/21 12:10 AM
01/23/21 12:10 AM
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 357
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OnlyBent Offline
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Thanks for adding that Ginger, I really admire your strength and integrity (amongst many other great qualities no doubt).


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913284
01/23/21 12:38 AM
01/23/21 12:38 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 38
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Slightly different situation as my kids were 18+ at the time so it was easy (and reasonable?) not to entertain discussion of OM.

I am now divorced ( more than happy in a new relationship). Last I heard OM still with his wife, happy who knows?

OM never made any vows to me but of course I fuchin hate him, I dont buy in to all this new age c*** of not hating.

Every chance though I dont hate him as much as my exW does?

Perhaps I am misinterpreting what hate is because I don't really think of him much but know I wouldn't p*** on him if he was on fire.

Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913327
01/23/21 10:36 PM
01/23/21 10:36 PM
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Gigi123 Offline
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Oh Mumin

I had that question. No emotions, i just said. I dont know her. They persisted a bit and said but you know that she works with daddy etc. I just said i know of her of course, but i have never met her personally. Honestly it wasnt a big deal. One thing my kids are very clear on that she isnt part of our family. I never said anything, its how they see things.

Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: dunnm] #2913332
01/23/21 11:49 PM
01/23/21 11:49 PM
Joined: Oct 2020
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Originally Posted by dunnm
I am now divorced ( more than happy in a new relationship).


Maybe its just me, but people who are more than happy don't carry such hate in their hearts.

Originally Posted by dunnm
OM never made any vows to me but of course I fuchin hate him, I dont buy in to all this new age c*** of not hating.


Its not new age mate, its just that if you're putting energy into hating someone, that is energy that could be spent elsewhere, why waste it on them. Indifference is much more effective.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913333
01/23/21 11:57 PM
01/23/21 11:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,491
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I haven't hated my ex-wife's partners. One took my S fishing, another took my D to her first volleyball game. It's probably easier for us, though, since they played no role in the downfall of our marriage. I imagine it would be harder to let go of anger if you felt OM was the reason your marriage ended.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Moving on and growing. #6 [Re: Mumin] #2913346
01/24/21 03:47 AM
01/24/21 03:47 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 446
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I'm with dunnm here. I would probably not only not wee on her, but I 'might' throw a little diesel on it ; )

It all comes down to where you are in the process, timing, if they were the OW/OM and so many things.

You feel how you feel about a person. Feelings change over time. And feelings follow what we think. We think therefore we are and all that jazz.

Yes, hatred can eat one up holding on to it, but it's an honest emotion towards a person who contributed to the death of a M.

I think forcing an emotion can be worse than accepting what you feel and working through it.

Ginger is a great example of working through those emotions - what a nightmare - and where you want to end up. Being able to look at the bigger picture and what's important. The peace and emotional stability we give to our kids.

Yes, forgiveness is freedom and hate takes energy but it's all a process. It can't be forced or coerced because you want it. There are plenty of DBers here who have proven that it's an obtainable goal - and worth the work.

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