So I'm not seeing too many "good" reasons to go back to drinking....puffy face, anxiety, weight gain, headaches....IDK man.
Very true and the fact I am even contemplating it is nuts for me. I wasn't a full blown alcoholic, more like a functioning one, and the mere thought of not drinking caused anxiety because it was such a crutch. I already gave up smoking 7 years ago after 30+ years so I feel like all my vices are going away!
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There is a future beyond the now. There is hope. We just have to know where to look and where to stop looking.
I just wrote something similar in my journal. Last night was a rough one, a reality check, and I felt myself sliding back into a pity party. I hung out there for a bit and then was able to turn the focus off all the sh!t that makes me miserable and onto the good stuff and the future. I'm down 30lbs from my all-time high back in August, I'm able to start working out again without my rib hurting too much, I feel better inside and out, I haven't drank in 25 days, and I feel more in control of myself and my life. And in a twisted way, I have her to thank for it. Not that I am doing it for her, but that she supplied the fuel and the kick in the ass. So when the darker days/thoughts come I feel like I have more tools and weapons to fight back. Which is good, because the dark days and thoughts sure as sh!t aren't going anywhere soon.
So when the darker days/thoughts come I feel like I have more tools and weapons to fight back. Which is good, because the dark days and thoughts sure as sh!t aren't going anywhere soon.
So when the darker days/thoughts come I feel like I have more tools and weapons to fight back. Which is good, because the dark days and thoughts sure as sh!t aren't going anywhere soon.
Yo SD, what do these dark thoughts look like?
They tend to be around what she's doing and/or what she's done or at least start there. Picturing things, ruminating about them, wondering who she is with, if she's thinking about me, building out all sorts of worst-case scenarios in my head which spiral into anxiety and fear. That then tends to take over my focus. I start thinking about the future and all the sh!t we'll have to go through if we D, the kids, the friends, etc. And from there it just builds into this insurmountable pile of crap in my head and constant anxiety.
Lately I've been able to cut that cycle once I feel it starting, or at least pull myself out of it, by shifting my focus from the bad to the good and by being aware and conscious that what I am THINKING isn't necessarily real, or helpful. I can (attempt) to acknowledge that negative feeling or thought and then let it pass instead of getting sucked into it and spending energy battling it.
One example is that I was at the studio and we share a work desk for when we're here. There is a spiral notebook in the drawer - it isn't anybody's it is just there to use. I've used to when playing games with my son, she's left notes for me in it. I needed to use it for a work meeting and find there's a page in there with her notes, and while I don't know the full context of them were about someone else but obviously didn't look like they were about me. In the past, that would've been the trigger for a full-blown meltdown. And it did begin to trigger one, for sure. But at some point I was able to pull back and ask myself "is there anything here you didn't already know or expect?" and "Does reading this change anything when it comes to what you need to do?" and I was able to put some space between me and the feelings rather than dwelling in them and 30 minutes later it had mostly passed. I didn't call her on it, bring it up, or focus on it. I left it in there and used the notebook for my work notes. Of course, I did manage to leave my notes in there and when I came back the next time her page had been ripped out. So I am still a little childish. lol.
They tend to be around what she's doing and/or what she's done or at least start there. Picturing things, ruminating about them, wondering who she is with, if she's thinking about me, building out all sorts of worst-case scenarios in my head which spiral into anxiety and fear.
Things are typically no where near as bad as we imagine.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
That then tends to take over my focus. I start thinking about the future and all the sh!t we'll have to go through if we D, the kids, the friends, etc. And from there it just builds into this insurmountable pile of crap in my head and constant anxiety.
This I can promise you is not even close to being as bad as you imagine.
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
One example is that I was at the studio and we share a work desk for when we're here. There is a spiral notebook in the drawer - it isn't anybody's it is just there to use. I've used to when playing games with my son, she's left notes for me in it. I needed to use it for a work meeting and find there's a page in there with her notes, and while I don't know the full context of them were about someone else but obviously didn't look like they were about me. In the past, that would've been the trigger for a full-blown meltdown. And it did begin to trigger one, for sure. But at some point I was able to pull back and ask myself "is there anything here you didn't already know or expect?" and "Does reading this change anything when it comes to what you need to do?" and I was able to put some space between me and the feelings rather than dwelling in them and 30 minutes later it had mostly passed. I didn't call her on it, bring it up, or focus on it. I left it in there and used the notebook for my work notes. Of course, I did manage to leave my notes in there and when I came back the next time her page had been ripped out. So I am still a little childish. lol.
So this is soul sucking for you. How much longer can you keep this up? How much longer can you knowingly share your W with other dudes?
When it comes to intimate, personal and professional negotiations, the person who has the most to lose is in the weaker position of leverage. By knowing what you want and loving and valuing yourself, you can set and enforce healthy boundaries to make sure everyone in your life belongs there because they have proven through their actions that they deserve the gift of your time. This ensures that you never settle for less than what you are capable of having and creating in your life, because those that are not a match simply get bounced out of your life permanently.
So this is soul sucking for you. How much longer can you keep this up? How much longer can you knowingly share your W with other dudes?
I honest to God don't know. Part of me thinks "I'll know when I know." but then I think that's just a cop-out. In the meantime I try to focus on me and GAL and implement things when I can. We've had 2 interactions in the past 48 hours, both just about logistical stuff. My goal for now is to remove that focus on her or us and to focus on me. And doing that honestly, because it's easy to say you're doing something for yourself but in the back of your mind you're hoping it will change things in the R. I still struggle with that daily. I also have very low expectations that things are going to work out, and if it was to work out, that is going to be a long time from now. So that whole side of things is still pretty muddy.
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When it comes to intimate, personal and professional negotiations, the person who has the most to lose is in the weaker position of leverage.
I totally see this and there's no doubt I am still in the weaker position. But it is no longer nearly as lopsided as it was. In the past I couldn't see a future. I couldn't imagine life without our family being together. Now I can not only see a future, but maybe a better one! I can look in the mirror with some self-respect instead of loathing. And as that progresses, I can see where she will be the one with more to lose. Or maybe I'm blowing smoke up my own ass, but it's possible.
SD I am not saying to give up. I am saying to take some of your power back and tell her you are done with the nesting BS. You are not leaving your house and your bedroom anymore. She is welcome to stay at the whor3 house full time.
SD I am not saying to give up. I am saying to take some of your power back and tell her you are done with the nesting BS. You are not leaving your house and your bedroom anymore. She is welcome to stay at the whor3 house full time.
Trust me you will feel empowered.
Got it - I've been thinking more and more about this. The answer is "soon" but not sure how soon. There are still some benefits for me when I'm here and can really focus on me without the constant interruptions of home. I had 4 hours straight of reading/taking notes last night with zero interruptions and total focus. That just isn't possible at home with 3 kids and a dog and nobody else there to help. So I guess when I feel like these moments of clarity and confidence that I find while at the studio become the norm instead of just moments.
