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A Message from Michele
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Re: Both had an affair... [Re: OnlyBent] #2913125
01/21/21 09:43 AM
01/21/21 09:43 AM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Hey OnlyBent - thanks for reading and taking the time. Yes, I think there is dispointment, I know that if we got to reconciling I would be willing to do the work required as I have been for the past 10 years, but look where that got me... My wife having an affair and me being hurt.

Do I want to be with someone like that? The truth is that as each day progresses, the chances of me filing for divorce increase.

For 10 years I have lived my life for my wife and put her at the forefront of everything to keep things on an even keel, I think I need to cut my losses and put me and the kids as priority.

With regards to yours, that is a pretty ugly thing to think about. Scary even.

Thank you!

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913137
01/21/21 03:52 PM
01/21/21 03:52 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
What would be a reasonable amount of time to see change 6 months/12 months?


It's hard to put a date on another person's sitch. I think it would depend on how long you are willing to tolerate it. And, BTW, some LBS's seem to see this as "standing for the M" and they think is shows how strong they are. People have differences of opinion about this subject. I always say that the LBS (especially the LBH) needs to conduct themselves in such a way that it draws respect from the WS. The problem I see in a lot of LBH's is how they think this means he should show what a good H is, and he puts on the maids uniform. No, she's not going to respect him if he's coming from that point. In fact, the WW is more likely to lose even more respect for him, b/c she sees his behavior as tolerating her waywardness. It's difficult for the H to realize she's not the girl he married and she's not going to see how lucky she is to have such a nice guy who sticks around in spite of how she treats him. I promise you, she doesn't appreciate your sacrifices or tolerance while she's wayward. So, if you want to wait around in hopes she'll change her wayward mindset.......(and I think this is the initial mindset of most LBS's).........then that's up to you. I'm not telling you to file for a D or to stay where you are. I'm just trying to explain the viewpoint of the WW.

Stubborn pride is horrible! It has worked like a cancer in your MR. She wants to punish you......pay you back, hold your affair over your head, etc. She doesn't believe you deserve forgiveness! It's not about deserving. Apparently she doesn't get that part. She's hurting both of you, but her anger has taken over and if she doesn't find the willingness to let go of the past.....then she's not going to grow or have a change of heart. It takes hard work from the WS to overcome their wayward mindset, and it won't happen as long as stubborn pride prevails.

Quote
I just do not believe she will do the work that is required. For example one of my conditions if she did want to reconcile would be for both of us to forgive and put the past behind us, I know I can, but I just don't think she wants/can do this.


Right.......but you can't make her really forgive you. I doubt making it a two way street (both of you forgiving each other) will do much to bring her to forgive, but the MR won't be successful if either one holds on the unforgiveness. You can see the results of unforgiveness, as well as forgiveness, however it comes from the individual's free will. You have to decide how you will choose to respond.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: sandi2] #2913159
01/21/21 08:19 PM
01/21/21 08:19 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Hi Sandi2,

As always you have described things to a tee, it just amazes me how spot on you are with the mindset and situation that I am experiencing.

If I am being honest with myself, I don't believe there is currently a future, my W shows no signs of wanting one or even making steps to reconcile or even show remorse, as you say the anger has consumed her, every move is guided by anger and punishment.

She has not let go of my affair in 10 years, she sure as hell is not gong to do it now. I think I need to take control of the situation and move it on otherwise this is just gonna be a miserable 2021.

Thank you for taking the time and explaining the viewpoint of a WW, it makes total sense.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913161
01/21/21 08:48 PM
01/21/21 08:48 PM
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97Hope Offline
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Hi Gotham.

While every situation/person is different - the method of GAL/Detach and not trying to "nice them back" or "talk them down" has been the best way forward for the vast majority on this board. You are getting great advice!

Originally Posted by Gotham

She has not let go of my affair in 10 years, she sure as hell is not gong to do it now. I think I need to take control of the situation and move it on otherwise this is just gonna be a miserable 2021.


it has been my experience, both personal and watching/listening to others - that there is always some reason to justify the behavior. And it's 9/10 that this changes depending on which way the wind blows and it's often projection anyway so the LBS is working like a fiend, thinking, if only I didn't do XYZ - they would stay. But that isn't the reality. We refer to it as a moving target. Since you have the A from 10 years ago - it doesn't surprise me that she is holding fast to that. And really, maybe she just can't get through that. That's her choice.

Given that - you know what you did. At this point, there is nothing you can do to change that. I'm not giving you a pass - we all know first hand how affairs can hurt and damage - but now you can only focus on what you need to do going forward.

I had an EA in 2005. I left him, we reconciled in 2006. I used any thing and everything to justify it, but it was my choice. A terrible choice, and it cost me.

Then my X had affairs in 2010 (we reconciled, and then another BD from him in 2017). But still never got to the heart of the actual problems in the MR prior to any of them.

We didn't take the time to grow as 2 individuals. Many reasons for that, none of that matters now. That's why I say:

Focus on your growth (emotional, physical & spiritual) and you will be ok. No matter what. You will be glad you did!

Don't wait for a reconciliation to do the work, is what I'm saying. The only regret I have is that I didn't focus more on my issues the first time. I didn't do DB. Now I completely believe that the best thing you can is to follow the plan.





Last edited by 97Hope; 01/21/21 08:50 PM.
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: 97Hope] #2913171
01/21/21 09:58 PM
01/21/21 09:58 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by 97Hope


Don't wait for a reconciliation to do the work, is what I'm saying. The only regret I have is that I didn't focus more on my issues the first time. I didn't do DB. Now I completely believe that the best thing you can is to follow the plan.






This is pure gold.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: SteveLW] #2913525
01/26/21 01:02 PM
01/26/21 01:02 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Thanks 97Hope and Steve85 and sorry for the delay in responding.

I would say that am getting on with my life and focusing on me rather than my wife. Running, playing with kids, going for walks etc etc. I am civil to her, morning, goodbye, I'm off out etc etc.

I am generally OK, have sad and angry moments, but my head is a lot clearer, have a meeting tomorrow about my job changing and a payrise in April, not sure whether to tell her this or keep it to myself, but it is positive news.

We did talk last Friday, we had to get some money issues resolved and it moved into relationship talk, she started it. Nothing further to report, we are where we have been for the past few weeks. Wife does not know what she wants, probably wants to divorce, but is worried the effect of divorce will have on the kids and how she can afford to divorce and survive after. She is looking for a new job and doing OT to increase income.

Atmosphere in the house is calmer then previous weeks, but my wife is still keeping herself to herself with watching TV and not getting involved with the family, still keeps the house running, but distant.

Not sure where this will go, my wife likes to bury her head in the sand, not make a decision and hope it resolves itself.

My guess is things will continue like this and it will be up to me to make that decision.

Thanks all.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913526
01/26/21 01:46 PM
01/26/21 01:46 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Remember, limbo is the gift of time. It sounds like you are doing the right things. Just keep DBing: GAL, 180s, and working on detachment.

My W is very similar to yours. When it comes to hard things she doesn't have a lot of follow-thru. When she made her pronouncement "I want to get a job, get an apartment, and get a D!" from that point on it was almost all talk, no action. She did some internet searches for apartments. She started to update her resume. She did some internet searching on quickie Ds. She asked me how much things cost (I do all the bills),and if she could have some furniture (since we had talked about buying new furniture for the house). That was about it. Never applied for jobs. Never hired a lawyer. Never visited apartments. Part of that, I believe, was because I remembered DBing on day 3 after BD and started to work on detachment, myself and GAL. But the point is that if she isn't a closer then likely you have some time to let DBing work.

Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: SteveLW] #2913529
01/26/21 02:30 PM
01/26/21 02:30 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Thanks Steve85.

Yes, they sound similar, my wife talks about it but never takes the steps bar some internet searches to actually do it. I did ask her last Friday whether she would come to me if she wanted to reconcile and also whether if she is waiting for me to instigate the divorce, in both cases she said she would do it if she wanted to... I'm just not so sure. Thing is she first mentioned separation in March20, almost 12 months ago and no solid moves on it since.

Her ideal scenario is I get an apartment and move out, if I agreed to that I think would be the final hurdle out the way for her and she would do it, but for the moment the only option is to sell the house and go our separate ways and she does not want to do that.

Keep on DBing, GAL, detaching and see what happens.

Cheers

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913532
01/26/21 02:56 PM
01/26/21 02:56 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Gotham, yeah, do not agree to that. That's my opinion anyway. I am a firm believer that the WAS should be the one to move out. They are the one wanting the separation/D.

Also, stop initiating R discussions, that is one of the main rules of DBing. I know you are wondering what is going on. She makes her pronouncement in March, then sits on it for 10 months. Some WASs do that. Just keep DBing. I agree with her response though, if she decides she wants to do it then she will. Pressuring her only drives her to that faster.

Now, if you decide you are done waiting, then you take action. Talking to her about it is not taking action. What I mean is that if you decide you are done waiting and want to pull the plug yourself, then go file for D and have her served. In fact, I am a big advocate of having a drop-dead date. I had one a year past BD. "If she doesn't recommit back to the marriage by 12/23/2018, then on the first day of business after the holidays I will go hire and a lawyer and file for D." It was liberating to know that 1) I was giving her plenty of time to make up her mind and 2) that there was a set end to limbo. So how long are you willing to wait on her?


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913536
01/26/21 03:17 PM
01/26/21 03:17 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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I have no intention of agreeing to moving out.

Just to let you know I am not initiating relationship talks, last one was last Friday, initiated by her and nothing since, but I her you regarding it.

With regards to a date, there was an earlier discussion on this with Sandi2 and I do want a date in my head to end the limbo. In my case what would be the BD date, when she said she wanted to separate in March20 or when I found out about the affair in Nov20?

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