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A Message from Michele
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Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913007
01/19/21 05:57 PM
01/19/21 05:57 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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Hey Gotham, any updates?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: sandi2] #2913015
01/19/21 08:34 PM
01/19/21 08:34 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Hi Sandi2 - Thanks for asking.

Nothing major really, she is still not really talking or making any effort in the marriage. Last convo we had was a week ago, where I asked to confirm all our savings and log in details so I could get the true picture of our finances, not received this yet, but she has been working all this time.

She said she was stressed and upset about the situation, I validated, we did discuss things and I said we might as well get divorced as there was no movement on her part and I don't think there will be, but I am not leaving the home, we then discussed finances and she cant afford it on her own. Still bringing up 10 years ago and angry/upset with it, I did mention that she needs to release that anger and may need help in doing this.

As usual I did 90% of the talking and that is not because I am a talker, but she does not express or say anything.

Since then we have not really spoken, I am distant with her and doing my own thing, I do stuff with the kids, she does not really get involved. She just watches TV.

I do believe she is finding this hard, but I am not reacting to it, for example at the dinner table tonight, it was just the 2 of us at the end, we did not really speak apart from the odd small thing, she started to get emotional and hiding her eyes, i said " you OK" in a matter of fact way rather than caring, she said "yes", i then got up started clearing the table and she left, went to the bathroom and started crying. I have not mentioned it. Then the boys and I played some card games and she did not join in, even after being invited.

I think she wanted a reaction from me, in the past when she started to get emotional she would just go, she wanted me to see today.

Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a family law lawyer to basically arm myself with knowledge.

With regards to the other man, I do not believe she is in contact with him, although I cannot say this 100%, my gut tells me she is not and the signs demonstarte this.

With regards to me, I have good and bad days, it is hard being in lockdown and nowhere to go, I went to the office today and it was good, only 3 of us in but good to get away. I am just detaching from her and so far so good, but I know that could change in a weeks time.

Just gonna keep doing what I am doing and see what happens. She may want to try again or she may not, gonna focus on me and the boys and if she wants to join us, we go from there.

Anything you can add or advise, gladly welcomed.

Thank you and I will keep you updated.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913042
01/20/21 08:41 AM
01/20/21 08:41 AM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Quick update - I think the source of her upset was that she was googling, "can't get past husband's affair from 10 years ago" and "I can't afford to leave my husband"

I think she is feeling trapped and sees no way out and sitting at the dinner table with me she became overwhelmed. Later that evening she could not stay in the same room as me.

Is this normal behaviour and she is processing a lot of thought and emotions and they will change from day to day?

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913050
01/20/21 11:04 AM
01/20/21 11:04 AM
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
I think she is feeling trapped and sees no way out and sitting at the dinner table with me she became overwhelmed. Later that evening she could not stay in the same room as me.


She absolutely feels trapped.

Quote
Is this normal behaviour and she is processing a lot of thought and emotions and they will change from day to day?


It is common behavior for WW's. I don't know how much she is really processing that would result in a positive outcome. Currently, she is filled with negativity. The hope of the H is that she'll come to her senses and they can save the M, but in reality, she's not thinking logically. I mean, she's acting on emotions, and that stands in her way. At the moment, all she can think about is her feelings.

Her fantasy castle was given a hit of reality and she's going to feel very down. Your job is to hold the line and don't try to rescue her. Allow her to feel the disappointment, self-pity, etc. Don't offer to comfort her and certainly don't show affection. I know this sounds harsh, but it's where many H's make their mistake. If OM is not in the picture at the moment, she'll probably be on the prowl for the next OM.

Instead of her processing the things she should and come to the logical conclusion that she is wrong as sin and she'd better get herself together.........more than likely she'll just resent you even more. WW's tend to blame their H for everything that has caused them unhappiness. I am extremely suspicious of any WW that suddenly comes around telling the H she's had a change of heart. She can have a change of heart.........but it doesn't usually happen overnight. I don't want to give you false hope.

I think she'll be very moody in the next several days.......probably longer. She'll be depressed and restless, and of course......resentful. So, don't expect to see a happy camper.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: sandi2] #2913069
01/20/21 03:48 PM
01/20/21 03:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
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Gotham Offline OP
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Quote
I mean, she's acting on emotions, and that stands in her way. At the moment, all she can think about is her feelings.


Totally and those feelings are generally anger towards me, as mentioned before until those feelings of anger are dealt with I see no way forward.

Quote
Her fantasy castle was given a hit of reality and she's going to feel very down. Your job is to hold the line and don't try to rescue her. Allow her to feel the disappointment, self-pity, etc. Don't offer to comfort her and certainly don't show affection. I know this sounds harsh, but it's where many H's make their mistake. If OM is not in the picture at the moment, she'll probably be on the prowl for the next OM.


I am holding the line, if yesterdays actions from her were a month ago, I would of pressed her on it when she said "yes" to being OK when she was clearly not, but I just left her and moved on. No comfort and no affection!

This may be interpreted of nave of me, but I don't think she would be chasing another OM, for her to have an affair would of been a big step for her and I think inside she knows what she has done is wrong and against what she stands for, she just cannot express the sorrow or bring herself to say that because of the anger towards me of what I did.

Quote
Instead of her processing the things she should and come to the logical conclusion that she is wrong as sin and she'd better get herself together.........more than likely she'll just resent you even more. WW's tend to blame their H for everything that has caused them unhappiness. I am extremely suspicious of any WW that suddenly comes around telling the H she's had a change of heart. She can have a change of heart.........but it doesn't usually happen overnight. I don't want to give you false hope.

I think she'll be very moody in the next several days.......probably longer. She'll be depressed and restless, and of course......resentful. So, don't expect to see a happy camper.


She is blaming me for everything and will continue to be resentful and I don't think this will be a quick fix, this will be a long ride and I honestly do not know which way it will go. If she has not forgiven me in 10 years and has not let go of my affair, what are the chances of it happening now? Should I just agree to divorce so we can both move on?

I will look after myself and let her get on with what she has to do, it she wants to talk I am here, I will be polite with her, but not take too much interest. Treat her like a neighbour I think lots of people say on here.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913075
01/20/21 04:29 PM
01/20/21 04:29 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,609
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Originally Posted by Gotham
Hi Sandi2 - Thanks for asking.

Nothing major really, she is still not really talking or making any effort in the marriage. Last convo we had was a week ago, where I asked to confirm all our savings and log in details so I could get the true picture of our finances, not received this yet, but she has been working all this time.


You don't know the password, you can't call the bank, and you can't go to the bank - she's the only one who can provide this info? Am I reading this correctly?

Quote


She said she was stressed and upset about the situation, I validated, we did discuss things and I said we might as well get divorced as there was no movement on her part and I don't think there will be, but I am not leaving the home, we then discussed finances and she cant afford it on her own. Still bringing up 10 years ago and angry/upset with it, I did mention that she needs to release that anger and may need help in doing this.

As usual I did 90% of the talking and that is not because I am a talker, but she does not express or say anything.

Since then we have not really spoken, I am distant with her and doing my own thing, I do stuff with the kids, she does not really get involved. She just watches TV.



I wouldn't tell her how to fix anything unless she specifically asks. I also wouldn't fill in the voids with useless conversation either. GAL instead.

Quote


I do believe she is finding this hard, but I am not reacting to it, for example at the dinner table tonight, it was just the 2 of us at the end, we did not really speak apart from the odd small thing, she started to get emotional and hiding her eyes, i said " you OK" in a matter of fact way rather than caring, she said "yes", i then got up started clearing the table and she left, went to the bathroom and started crying. I have not mentioned it. Then the boys and I played some card games and she did not join in, even after being invited.

I think she wanted a reaction from me, in the past when she started to get emotional she would just go, she wanted me to see today.

I don't think this is useful. I'd get up instead of just sitting there being awkward. Work on something in your house or GAL. Clean, organize, works on kids' schooling, etc.

Quote


Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a family law lawyer to basically arm myself with knowledge.

With regards to the other man, I do not believe she is in contact with him, although I cannot say this 100%, my gut tells me she is not and the signs demonstarte this.

With regards to me, I have good and bad days, it is hard being in lockdown and nowhere to go, I went to the office today and it was good, only 3 of us in but good to get away. I am just detaching from her and so far so good, but I know that could change in a weeks time.

Just gonna keep doing what I am doing and see what happens. She may want to try again or she may not, gonna focus on me and the boys and if she wants to join us, we go from there.

Anything you can add or advise, gladly welcomed.

Thank you and I will keep you updated.

If I had a dollar for every LBS that thought the OM was out of the picture....well he should be out of your picture. Your picture shouldn't involve worrying about an OM.

She knows the OM is wrong, but she will justify it. They all justify it.

"We were separated"

"Just a friend"

"We never did anything"

"You were so mean"

Etc, etc.

Quote
Should I just agree to divorce so we can both move on?


You should do what YOU want to do, what is in line with YOUR morals. It only takes one person to get a divorce and that person does it for their own reasons, not for someone else to move on.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: ovrrnbw] #2913080
01/20/21 05:31 PM
01/20/21 05:31 PM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Hi ovrrnbw - Thanks for reading and your input.

Quote
You don't know the password, you can't call the bank, and you can't go to the bank - she's the only one who can provide this info? Am I reading this correctly?


Yes, you are correct, I have pretty much left the finances to her over the years. I am sure I will get all the info and I do not expect to find anything untoward here.

Quote
I don't think this is useful. I'd get up instead of just sitting there being awkward. Work on something in your house or GAL. Clean, organize, works on kids' schooling, etc.


Agreed and I usually do, and I did yesterday.

Quote
If I had a dollar for every LBS that thought the OM was out of the picture....well he should be out of your picture. Your picture shouldn't involve worrying about an OM.


Totally understand that and perhaps I am being naive in this situation, but my gut says she is not in contact, but nothing I can do about it if she is. I have set my boundary on that.

My main focus is GAL and not focusing on her, it is tough at times, but I feel I am improving day by day.

Thanks

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913104
01/20/21 11:13 PM
01/20/21 11:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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sandi2 Offline
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This may be interpreted of nave of me, but I don't think she would be chasing another OM, for her to have an affair would of been a big step for her and I think inside she knows what she has done is wrong and against what she stands for,


I hope you are right, but you have described the former woman......not this new WW. Her belief system did not stop her from having an affair, but I do think those who have a strong moral/spiritual belief system are more likely to have a change of heart. Women who were raised without moral guidance and core values are the ones I worry about the most.

Quote
If she has not forgiven me in 10 years and has not let go of my affair, what are the chances of it happening now? Should I just agree to divorce so we can both move on?


The chances are slim, but I think it's possible. As for divorce........that's up to you.

Quote
I will look after myself and let her get on with what she has to do, it she wants to talk I am here, I will be polite with her, but not take too much interest. Treat her like a neighbour I think lots of people say on here.


I support this action as long as it doesn't become a permanent way of life. I've seen too many couples who live together under the same roof, but they are disconnected for the rest of their lives. It has become their pattern, where he goes his way and she goes her way.......but they never come back together. My advice would be to have a deadline, so to speak. It's important that you don't discuss a deadline or tell her you're even thinking about it. It's just for you. Unless you want to live out your days in this type of sitch, then give it a deadline. If you've seen no change by that time, then you should have a plan to move on from the M. That's just opinion.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: sandi2] #2913123
01/21/21 07:41 AM
01/21/21 07:41 AM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Thank you again for taking the time.

What would be a reasonable amount of time to see change 6 months/12 months?.

My gut says she won't change due to her stubborn pride and I just do not believe she will do the work that is required. For example one of my conditions if she did want to reconcile would be for both of us to forgive and put the past behind us, I know I can, but I just don't think she wants/can do this.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2913124
01/21/21 07:56 AM
01/21/21 07:56 AM
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OnlyBent Offline
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Originally Posted by Gotham
For example one of my conditions if she did want to reconcile would be for both of us to forgive and put the past behind us, I know I can, but I just don't think she wants/can do this.


It sounds like there is disappointment in this statement Gotham. But do you really want to be with someone who can't admit their faults, improve themselves and forgive the past? Especially when you're working so hard on these things. I've been through the same thoughts and I just don't think you want to be with someone like that. It's not shared interests and hobbies that make Rs work, its shared values and beliefs.

My STBXW and my sister had a rather big fight the Xmas before the one just past. 4-5 months ago, my STBXW said that if she knew someone she could pay to go hurt my sister and her husband she would. Maybe she was just angry, but either way, that's pretty ugly.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
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