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A Message from Michele
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Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912840
01/16/21 07:08 PM
01/16/21 07:08 PM
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ScottB Offline OP
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ScottB  Offline OP
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Itís not about her, itís about me. Itís about me feeling stronger, seeing her more clearly, and realizing what has happened here.

Back in 2014 I went through a horrifying time at work and was on the brink of depression. She was not supportive of me and when given the chance would say ďI told you not to do that at workĒ as opposed to ďhow can I help?Ē In the heals of that she had an affair, which further destroyed my self worth (making it really hard for me to stand up for myself). Then after the affair, for three years she effectively black mailed me continually with threats of divorce and withholding sex. Control and manipulation were her hallmarks. She then accused me of these things as well as of being a narcissist (which more clearly defines her).

I hadnít spoken to her in seven weeks about ďus.Ē Hearing the things she said, how she tried to rip me down and control and manipulate me gave me clarity. I donít want to be with someone like that. She is not the prize.

This may be a setback for reconciliation but this was a huge step forward for Scott. I feel like Iím finally getting it.

Iím free, I can do what I want with my kids, I can hang out with my friends the way I want, I can have friends over, Iím not under constant scrutiny. Iím not going back to that crap. I know i still need to recover and get stronger, especially when it comes to dealing with her, but Iím moving to a space where I can say that what is happening in my life is what i want to happen in my life. I donít want to be with the woman i was married to. Sheíll have to change if she wants me back. And if she doesnít want to change, Iíll find someone else if I want to and I donít think I will make these mistakes again.

My DB coach has been implying/asking, when is Scott going to say enough is enough. I think i understand what he was saying. Iíll keep working on it, but Iím feeling empowered.

Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912841
01/16/21 07:18 PM
01/16/21 07:18 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Wow Scotty now this was a great post!

Why did you have to have one more conversation to get there. Sheís had enough and youíve had enough so hopefully you can D amicably.

I think youíll find as the dust starts to settle that you were both at fault. LTM are tough especially when you donít have the proper tools.

Iíve said this before many times ďD has its challenges but itís a thousand times better then being with someone who wants outĒ.

Hang in there Scotty B.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912843
01/16/21 07:22 PM
01/16/21 07:22 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
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CWarrior Offline
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Hi Scott,

Originally Posted by Scott
She said that based on my behavior over the last several weeks that I was confirming her decision.. She asked me where I was at with the divorce decision.. She also said she thought my parenting was questionable and that she thought I was too focused on the kids being happy, and then she said that it was good that they were happy.

I see Ginger's point that by asking again after six weeks, you showed your STBXW you hadn't heard her "We're done", punctuated by both words and actions. At the same time, it's obvious you two weren't on the path to reconciliation, so I don't feel this was much of a setback. If this is what you needed for closure, kudos. I don't believe you're the same Scott who began here. I'm skeptical of her as the villain in this D, but I do see you systematically working on new relationship skills. The only negative of this interaction I see is what Ginger mentioned--your STBXW may act meaner in the near future to make her point clearer.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912860
01/16/21 10:49 PM
01/16/21 10:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2018
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dunnm Offline
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Iíve said this before many times ďD has its challenges but itís a thousand times better then being with someone who wants outĒ.


^^^
This

Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912866
01/17/21 02:16 AM
01/17/21 02:16 AM
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by ScottB
Itís not about her, itís about me. Itís about me feeling stronger, seeing her more clearly, and realizing what has happened here.

Back in 2014 I went through a horrifying time at work and was on the brink of depression. She was not supportive of me and when given the chance would say ďI told you not to do that at workĒ as opposed to ďhow can I help?Ē In the heals of that she had an affair, which further destroyed my self worth (making it really hard for me to stand up for myself). Then after the affair, for three years she effectively black mailed me continually with threats of divorce and withholding sex. Control and manipulation were her hallmarks. She then accused me of these things as well as of being a narcissist (which more clearly defines her).

I hadnít spoken to her in seven weeks about ďus.Ē Hearing the things she said, how she tried to rip me down and control and manipulate me gave me clarity. I donít want to be with someone like that. She is not the prize.

This may be a setback for reconciliation but this was a huge step forward for Scott. I feel like Iím finally getting it.

Iím free, I can do what I want with my kids, I can hang out with my friends the way I want, I can have friends over, Iím not under constant scrutiny. Iím not going back to that crap. I know i still need to recover and get stronger, especially when it comes to dealing with her, but Iím moving to a space where I can say that what is happening in my life is what i want to happen in my life. I donít want to be with the woman i was married to. Sheíll have to change if she wants me back. And if she doesnít want to change, Iíll find someone else if I want to and I donít think I will make these mistakes again.

My DB coach has been implying/asking, when is Scott going to say enough is enough. I think i understand what he was saying. Iíll keep working on it, but Iím feeling empowered.


I hope this is true. All I know is that you were freaking out over your daughter wanting to stay with your W during the lacrosse game, and then the next post is following an R talk with her. (What happened with that, by the way.) I hope you're being honest with yourself here, but what I see is a poster that has been looking for a reason to have the "one more chance" talk for weeks, and I feel the feelings that her text about your D staying with her instead of going to the lacrosse game caused pushed you over the edge to do it. And you've convinced yourself it was the right thing to do, and are rationalizing it to us. I pray I'm wrong, but that is my observation.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912870
01/17/21 02:28 AM
01/17/21 02:28 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 446
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97Hope Offline
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Originally Posted by ScottB
Itís about me feeling stronger, seeing her more clearly, and realizing what has happened here.

...she tried to rip me down and control and manipulate me gave me clarity. I donít want to be with someone like that. She is not the prize.

Iím free, I can do what I want with my kids, I can hang out with my friends the way I want, I can have friends over, Iím not under constant scrutiny. Iím not going back to that crap. I know i still need to recover and get stronger, especially when it comes to dealing with her, but Iím moving to a space where I can say that what is happening in my life is what i want to happen in my life. I donít want to be with the woman i was married to. Sheíll have to change if she wants me back. And if she doesnít want to change, Iíll find someone else if I want to and I donít think I will make these mistakes again.


Hold on to this with both hands and don't let it go!! Keep it close by when she reaches out - and she will!! Remember it when she temp checks. Don't share this with her. No more R talks. Just actions.

Know that some days you might not "feel" like this - but feelings are finite.

This is strong. Stay strong.

Last edited by 97Hope; 01/17/21 02:29 AM.
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912878
01/17/21 10:10 AM
01/17/21 10:10 AM
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OnlyBent Offline
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Originally Posted by ScottB
Iím free, I can do what I want with my kids, I can hang out with my friends the way I want, I can have friends over, Iím not under constant scrutiny. Iím not going back to that crap. I know i still need to recover and get stronger, especially when it comes to dealing with her, but Iím moving to a space where I can say that what is happening in my life is what i want to happen in my life. I donít want to be with the woman i was married to. Sheíll have to change if she wants me back. And if she doesnít want to change, Iíll find someone else if I want to and I donít think I will make these mistakes again.


Scotty, one of my wisest friends (who knows both me and my STBXW well) recently told me that in 6-12 months I'll be doing great because I'm a great guy who has some great qualities and is still willing to work on the things that need it. He thinks she on the other hand will not be doing so well, and even if she is, I won't really give a sh!t. Sounds like the same will apply to you.


Me: 38 W:40
T: 14 M: 11
S: 4
BD1: IHS Nov 2019
BD2: ILYBNILWY Jun 2020
OM since Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"If you don't create a beautiful future, your brain will do one for you and it's not good"
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912961
01/18/21 07:37 PM
01/18/21 07:37 PM
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Posts: 7,855
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Ready2Change Offline
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Originally Posted by ScottB
Iím free, I can do what I want with my kids, I can hang out with my friends the way I want, I can have friends over, Iím not under constant scrutiny. Iím not going back to that crap. I know i still need to recover and get stronger, especially when it comes to dealing with her, but Iím moving to a space where I can say that what is happening in my life is what i want to happen in my life. I donít want to be with the woman i was married to. Sheíll have to change if she wants me back. And if she doesnít want to change, Iíll find someone else if I want to and I donít think I will make these mistakes again.


So this is where a deep down happiness should come from....especially the parts in bold. When you do have to interact with her, you can have a true sense of happiness and let that shine through because you know that you are free.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912963
01/18/21 09:42 PM
01/18/21 09:42 PM
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ScottB Offline OP
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ScottB  Offline OP
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I know I shouldn't re-explain this but here I go anyways.

Over the past years my STBXW has vacillated between "I want a Divorce" and "I want a Separation." When she moved out most recently and I asked her whether we were getting divorced or just separated she said, "I don't know, but I'm leaning towards divorce." That is why I felt the need to clarify 7 weeks later.

And again, she said the same thing. I get the feeling that in her mind she wants to see the divorce process through and then decide at the end whether or not she is going to go through with it or not AND she will go through with it, she just can't bring herself all the way around to say it.

Her personality is to delay and grind things out to force other people to make decisions. I imagine she wants me to finally make this decision for her or she wants an out, a way where she can point at me at the end of the day and say "See, Brad wanted this divorce."

Anyhow, I don't care. I don't want to play that game. I know I still have work to do; I'm still processing everything, but I'm getting used to having the kids less. I'm learning to appreciate my own time - though it still comes with challenges.

I am so thankful that she moved out and I kept the house, that has been huge for me.

On Wednesday I head to Florida for 5 days. She doesn't know I'm going but I did tell my son. When she finds out she is going to flip out. We'll see how I feel when that happens, I know I'm going to feel like I've done something wrong - I can't explain why - but I don't care. I get to make my own decisions now.
-----------------------
R2c - Thanks for highlighting those words of mine. I wrote that down. It is a powerful reminder.
OnlyBent - I know what you said to be true. I'm making my peace with it in my time.
Thanks 97Hope!
LH/DunnM - D will have its challenges; And I do agree its better than being with someone who wants out.

Re: WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont6.) [Re: ScottB] #2912964
01/18/21 09:54 PM
01/18/21 09:54 PM
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Posts: 6,319
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Hey Brad (oops lol)

I thought the conversation went she didnít care but what let you choose so as long as you were clear you werenít working on the marriage.

My ex wanted to legally separate and nest in the beginning. I said no we will divorce then. She filed a week later.

Truthfully you are just into this so the convo didnít do anything but maybe give you more clarity. If she wants to stop the D she will. Until then keep moving forward.

I have to say you canít blame her for her concern of you going to Florida.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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