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Originally Posted by LH19
Is there a reason you won't take your home back?

1. I enjoy my time away from here and at the apt. I've worked from home for 6 years and now this past year with Covid I've spent even more time here with the whole family, so having a place where I can go and just process sh!t away from here is nice. Having a break from constant interruptions, tattling, cleaning, cooking, blah, blah, blah, is helpful in keeping my sh!t together.
2. We both pay the mortgage equally but her parents gifted us the down payment to buy the house. If/when the final split happens I'd most likely be the one looking for a new place if we don't end up selling the house. So I don't really see it as being "my" house to take back.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi SaltyDog, abandoning the family home to let her deal with the "crotch-goblins" full time would simultaneously reduce your chances of reconciliation and give you a lesser relationship with the kids (which would be notable in a D). If R is no longer as important to you, that latter consideration seems key.

I wasn't being serious. I would never abandon the boys or jeopardize my relationship with them no matter what. They are my #1 source of happiness, in spite of also being my #2 source of daily frustration!

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
2. We both pay the mortgage equally but her parents gifted us the down payment to buy the house. If/when the final split happens I'd most likely be the one looking for a new place if we don't end up selling the house. So I don't really see it as being "my" house to take back.

It's more of a symbol that this arrangement isn't working for you anymore.


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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
2. We both pay the mortgage equally but her parents gifted us the down payment to buy the house. If/when the final split happens I'd most likely be the one looking for a new place if we don't end up selling the house. So I don't really see it as being "my" house to take back.

It's more of a symbol that this arrangement isn't working for you anymore.

that makes sense, I was thinking more literally of it being "my" house.

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Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. Started out fine, felt good, rib was feeling better, and was in a good place. I even went on a hike with a buddy to get outside. I then met her at the studio since we were switching out and everything was normal between us and then she left to back to the house and I was alone. And then the thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc. that I had been holding in while being home in front of the kids or while working just started bubbling up. The realization of how silly this all is, how much pain there is, all of it just started coming out. It was a good hour of losing my sh!t and letting it all out, and afterwards I did feel much better. More centered and more of the wanting to continue to take back control over my life. I settled in to read a book and a few hours later get a text asking if I can come back home. Long story short, her mom (in another state) is sending her messages about how she doesn't want to live anymore, that my wife doesn't care about her, nobody does, blah, blah, blah. So I go back, spend the night with her (no sex) and hold her. We talk about things, she thanks me 100x for being there for her and apologizes for the whole mess. So now I'm back at the house, she will probably drive down and be there if an intervention is needed, and I'll be with the boys. I know this reeks of "Nice Guy" and trying to ride in and save the day, but I knew if I didn't she'd be a wreck and the kids would be the ones to take the brunt of it. She wouldn't be able to be there for them. I am also doing my best to be mindful of this situation, and how tired I am of dealing with her family's bullsh!t, and that has put me more in a mindset of "I don't want this anymore" than "I hope she sees how great I am and we get back together." But of course, it's easy to fall back into old, comfortable ways. So we'll see where this all goes.

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SD,

Glad you were able to process your emotions.

Yep reeks of NGS. I had hopes for your situation. Youre friend zoning yourself. That will be tough to get out of my friend.

Its tough but to turn these around you need to have strength.


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Originally Posted by LH19
Yep reeks of NGS. I had hopes for your situation. Youre friend zoning yourself. That will be tough to get out of my friend.

Its tough but to turn these around you need to have strength.
I get it. It just goes against my nature - not just from this relationship, but all of them - and it is so damn hard to break that cycle when it arises. It's like Pavlov's frickin' dogs. And it is so stupid because at least those dogs got a treat at the end.

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Lol. Youll get a treat in the end too. You just dont know it yet.


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It's sad to look back - and not even on just me but most of the LBSs on here - and see how much sh!t we put up with and yet still WANT to get the other person back. What a lack of self-respect and boundaries. If I was talking to a buddy, I'd be saying "why are you putting up with that? Get the hell out of there!" If I was watching this in a movie I'd be thinking the main character is an idiot for staying with her and deserves what he gets. And yet, here I am, knowingly being an idiot. Knowingly putting myself in harm's way and yet blaming her when I get hurt. How stupid is that? I'm the one making the wrong decisions, I'm the one who isn't strong enough to just leave, and I'm the one who is putting a target on my back saying "hurt me, please!" That needs to change.

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lol @ SaltyDog! On top of it all, a display of low self-respect and boundaries makes one less attractive. This is a great realization the next time we consider going into contortions to please someone else.



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