Steve_Treading Water

[SteveLW]

His silence is concerning me.

[Joe2017]

There is a lot in this sitch that we are not being told.

[Steve_]

Im doing okay, my next IC appt is feb 6th. Looking forward to that. Been eating again and taking an anti-depressant. Watching a lot of netflix, keeping the house upkept and so on.

Last time I talked to WW was a few days ago, she pretty much just said she needs some time to figure herself out and is not worried about getting a D (I validated and left it at that). The papers havent been sent off to the court yet. Her mom begged me not to go down there and push the issue. At this point I have become indiffernent. Im going to be okay if my WW doesnt get herself together, and I end up down the line with someone else. Thats okay I did my best.

I dont really speak to her much anymore, it felt weird the first couple days. I only contact her about the kids or if its absolutely necessary. She has called me a couple times and asked how I am and so on, I just say okay and get off the phone as fast as I can avoiding talking. She got the hint and pretty much doesnt string me along anymore. She is doing her and Im doing me. Thats about all thats going on right now. My finances are tight but in order. Im gonna try to take my kids up to see some snow this week. Other than that life is a bit lonely and sad at times but I am okay. At this point i am where I should have started when she left me. But better late than never /shrug

I was getting all worried about her new job prospects and everything else and then it occured to me it doesnt matter, im just working on what I can control and thats it.

[Traveler]

Hi Steve,

Yep not going to take custody away from mom without me documenting months of neglect or abuse. But i will begin doing so.

she actually just started a new "job" 4 hours away in LA. Yeah, that job is under the table for shady people and she lowers herself and my family name into that cesspool for money.

You've mentioned your wife's involved in neglect or abuse, and she's working an illegal job. I'm confused--why does she have 4 days to your 3, and why aren't you working to revoke her custody? If these were exaggerations--e.g., you just don't like her parenting or her job--please clarify so we understand what's going on. The kids' safety trumps most else. These inconsistencies may be what Joe is noticing.

Last time I talked to WW was a few days ago, she pretty much just said she needs some time to figure herself

She has called me a couple times and asked how I am and so on, I just say okay

I see you're pulling back, but not ready to set and enforce firm boundaries.

At this point I have become indifferent.

I wonder what puzzle piece we're missing that makes you consider resuming after being cheated on seven times. I've read diligently, I don't understand, but I do wish you and yours well Steve_.

[Traveler]

Im doing okay, my next IC appt is feb 6th. Looking forward to that. Been eating again and taking an anti-depressant. Watching a lot of netflix, keeping the house upkept and so on.

This is all healthy stuff that I applaud.

[Elbereth]

Hi Steve_,

Coming from experience...your boys are about the age my step-sons were when my H ended his first marriage. His XW is a narcissist and I’m here to tell you it does affect the kids. And your sitch is much worse than what my Hs sitch. Regardless, with a narcissist, the drama continues and never ends. Best advice I can provide is put the kids first and limit communication and direct exposure to your W. Your emotions and reactions are fuel to her. And she will use the kids as pawns. It’s very hard to prove these things in court, but if it gets nasty enough (post D) I’d consider a restraining order against her and force all communication to go through a “co-parenting portal” that has oversight or can be used in court. The only way to prevent drama is to block her access to you. As for the kids, if she remains a coparent, you will need to be aware she will use them to get to you. It’s only when they are older you can explain all the confusion they experienced when they were younger. Be your best self, keep mouth shut about her (at least until they mature enough to understand) and give them all the love and stability you can. Hang in there. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

The others are right. Unfortunately she really doesn’t care about you. It’s pretty obvious she only cares about herself. I actually feel that my H XW continued drama was one of the triggers for his MLC, and some major health issues for myself. Don’t just get out of her way, block her access to cause you and your kids more harm. Trust me. I wish my H had put more distance in place sooner and maybe my life wouldn’t be such a mess now.

[Steve_]

Yep I get it finally 100%. Being nice, being a push over is stupid. It got me nowhere but pain. And she is still running away. Last night she told me “I want to get a new car” she can’t afford it. She is running herself out there. Brags about how many men want her. Told me to give her time. I finally grabbed my balls and said no. That’s BS. You can’t go play and then just run back to daddy when your done. I know what I want in my life. I realized my attachment comes a lot from the war. When I was younger I fought really hard to survive 3 years in Iraq and my buddies and I would talk about our lives if we ever made it. Mine was a pretty woman and family and a good job. I had all that and got comfortable and f’d it up here and there. But I was important to me because it was what kept me going, what made me want to live and made me have drive to get it when times were bad. I lost a lot of friends. And I realized I am so attached to my idea of family because I always wanted to make thier loss worth it. To do it right to never give up and take whatever comes at me. That and some self-esteem issues I shouldn’t have. I’ve looked inward a lot. After my w told me last night she wants to play the field and figure it out later. She said I’m attractive I’m a good man and she knows I love her and the kids but I’m boring. It just dawned on me. I’m allowing all this. I always have. That’s where I failed. I thought love would conquer all but no. Basic human respect is the building block of anything. Like sandi and others have said. I told her thanks for the heart to heart and it helped me really see something I needed to see. She went out with some dude hiking today. She called me twice I did not answer. I got my kids I got my job and I got my self respect. I’m tired of chasing her into my life I told her that. As for my kids I watch over them like a hawk. And yes I keep track of everything. I’m done I’m happy with being done. I’m not happy as in life is great right now, I’m happy I am done being a door mat to her BS. And that’s enough right now. I’m going absolutely NC, dark, whatever. I am done saving my marriage. It’s over I see that. She will thrown more games at me and I’ll just be a rock that don’t move. I’m sick of my feelings being toyed with. I deserve better. I’ll update in a week or so. But I have never just grabbed my balls and stuck to it. The time is now. Catch you all later.

[may22]

Hi Steve,

I'm sorry this is all happening. But I'm very, very confused. I've been reading along this whole time and I have lost count of how many times you've said basically what you just said above-- she said X, now I totally get it, I'm done. i'm going NC. It feels a bit like Groundhog Day.

Can you share some actions you'll take this time (different from before) that will help you break this cycle? Maybe it is time for parenting app that you can communicate through if necessary and you can block her number? How are you going to protect your children?

[Joe2017]

Steve man, I hope you are really gonna stick to the mission bro. This is for your benefit and your kids benefit. You are going to be that kids rock in the future, like it or not. They are going to learn what being a strong man should look like from you.

Make the suffering you're going through now worth it in the future.

I'm rooting for you sir.

[MrBrside]

Yep I get it finally 100%. Being nice, being a push over is stupid. It got me nowhere but pain. And she is still running away. Last night she told me “I want to get a new car” she can’t afford it.

Not your concern.. Too many conversations going on with your WW to be healthy.. I suggest you stick to email communication only

She is running herself out there. Brags about how many men want her. Told me to give her time.

Not your concern - again

I finally grabbed my balls and said no. That’s BS.

not your concern - don't engage in the first place ! - Your have a bad habit of doing this - DRAMA !

And I realized I am so attached to my idea of family because I always wanted to make thier loss worth it. To do it right to never give up and take whatever comes at me.

Steve, most men are attached to the idea of a family - beautiful wife and children. Its nothing new - its been that way since mankind began - partners and having children. We are taught this from early child hood - films / parents / grandparents. Everywhere we look when growing up is "families" - I think its fair to say most people want a happy family life and to bring their children up in the best enviroment possible.
Unfortunetly, things are different from 30 years ago - attitudes have changed and divorces and single parent families have increased massively.
I would also say your family life was not a good enviroment - your wife is toxic !

After my w told me last night she wants to play the field and figure it out later. She said I’m attractive I’m a good man and she knows I love her and the kids but I’m boring.

More conversation !!! Really ?

It just dawned on me. I’m allowing all this. I always have. That’s where I failed. I thought love would conquer all but no. Basic human respect is the building block of anything. Like sandi and others have said. I told her thanks for the heart to heart and it helped me really see something I needed to see.

lots of words - too many words - Why oh Why are you having these heart to hearts ? You like torturing yourself !

I got my kids I got my job and I got my self respect.

Sorry Steve - You do not have any self respect. You have been posting here for 2 months.. You ignore most advice and you are still engaging in conversations or trying to justify your poor choices.

she is a manipulative serial cheater - That you would also take her back tomorrow if she came running..

Tell me Steve, how does that equate to self respect ?

I’m going absolutely NC, dark, whatever. I am done saving my marriage.

Well your recent update was the exact opposite ! - Lots of chat there. Lets see how you go on. Actions not words Steve. I hope you sort this out ! For your kids safe if anything.