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A Message from Michele
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Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912557
01/13/21 04:57 PM
01/13/21 04:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,140
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AnotherStander Offline
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AnotherStander  Offline
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Is it possible to turn it around?


Quote
Is it possible to wait 2-3 wks and offer to take him out to dinner as I "owe him some conversation over a meal"?


I know you really struggle with dropping the rope, but this would be a good time to practice. Just accept that it's over, that he's not interested (I'm not sure he ever was beyond having a booty call) and that you need to move on. I would not contact him at all, not now, not 2-3 weeks from now. Believe me he is not checking his phone 10 times a day to see if you messaged him.

Quote
Looking back at texts from early dating he hated how quiet I was and felt I hide behind the term introvert... obviously it just takes more time for my wall to come down... the sad part is I was like 98% there... UGH... if he could have just been a little more patient with me.


Don't be ashamed of who you are, and don't change yourself to conform to some image of what someone else things you should be. If you are quiet at dinner, so what? If you don't open up and share your deepest, darkest secrets right away, so what? You do you, and if a guy can't accept you for who you are then you do not want or need him in your life. My girlfriend is like you, it's difficult for her to open up. So I've learned to ask a lot of questions and be very patient. If a person really cares about you then that's the least they can do.

Quote
This is just not something I do with personal relationships... its me across the board.


I'm not sure that's such a healthy thing though! I would rather my dogs' vet be getting a good nights' sleep than laying awake tossing and turning at 2am because of some ailment one of them might have, in fact that might give me anxiety because if my vet is up half the night then it must be something serious! Likewise I don't want to think my girlfriend is laying awake at night contemplating our relationship, that would be a lot of pressure if I knew she was doing that. You know?


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: LH19] #2912563
01/13/21 06:06 PM
01/13/21 06:06 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,608
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by KitCat
He was an A Hole to my kid. My kid was in therapy because he just wanted to be liked by his stepdad. Why was my STBXH as arse to my kid? Because he wanted my kid to chose living with his dad so I would know th pain of losing my kid... because his kids were being with held from him. Yup... what a winner...

If this is true it is very sad. Your son has been through a lot living in this toxic situation.

For your son' sake I hope Mr. Briside is right and now that you have exhausted all options of trying to get your STBXH you are now going with the smear campaign.


I just want to move forward in peace. I'm not looking for any smear campaign.

I accept what happened. All I can do is clean up my side of the street and move forward. It has been a heavy toll - this balancing act over the last decade. Seriously though I saw HUGE improvements in the last 3yr between my STBXH and my son... laughing, joking, I no longer had to be a go-between peace maker... it was like FINALLY...

Craziness aside my STBXH has been trying to manage a tail injury with the puppy since beginning Oct. He texted frantic today as the bleeding is so bad and could not get it to stop. I'm meeting him in 30min to hospitalize dog and remove his tail tomorrow. Its strictly business only but my heart is breaking for my puppy.

I just want peace and I hope our D negotiations can be handled in the same format as the puppy... and we can all put this behind us.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: AnotherStander] #2912564
01/13/21 06:08 PM
01/13/21 06:08 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
K
KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by KitCat
Is it possible to turn it around?


Quote
Is it possible to wait 2-3 wks and offer to take him out to dinner as I "owe him some conversation over a meal"?


I know you really struggle with dropping the rope, but this would be a good time to practice. Just accept that it's over, that he's not interested (I'm not sure he ever was beyond having a booty call) and that you need to move on. I would not contact him at all, not now, not 2-3 weeks from now. Believe me he is not checking his phone 10 times a day to see if you messaged him.

Quote
Looking back at texts from early dating he hated how quiet I was and felt I hide behind the term introvert... obviously it just takes more time for my wall to come down... the sad part is I was like 98% there... UGH... if he could have just been a little more patient with me.


Don't be ashamed of who you are, and don't change yourself to conform to some image of what someone else things you should be. If you are quiet at dinner, so what? If you don't open up and share your deepest, darkest secrets right away, so what? You do you, and if a guy can't accept you for who you are then you do not want or need him in your life. My girlfriend is like you, it's difficult for her to open up. So I've learned to ask a lot of questions and be very patient. If a person really cares about you then that's the least they can do.

Quote
This is just not something I do with personal relationships... its me across the board.


I'm not sure that's such a healthy thing though! I would rather my dogs' vet be getting a good nights' sleep than laying awake tossing and turning at 2am because of some ailment one of them might have, in fact that might give me anxiety because if my vet is up half the night then it must be something serious! Likewise I don't want to think my girlfriend is laying awake at night contemplating our relationship, that would be a lot of pressure if I knew she was doing that. You know?



I get it - he's a jerk.

Its just that I'm NOT usually THAT quiet... AND I was really warming up to him... Looking back I don't think this was just a booty call thing... I think I totally mis-judged that. frown

I get it - its too late. Can't go back and change the beginning but was hopeful I could change the ending. But, you are right. He is not interested in wasting any more time.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912568
01/13/21 06:25 PM
01/13/21 06:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,190
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Steve85 Offline
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Steve85  Offline
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Originally Posted by KitCat
Looking back I don't think this was just a booty call thing... I think I totally mis-judged that. frown



This is typical KC changing reality to what she wants it to be. It was completely a boot-call thing. That was even how you advertised it! I'd have to go back to one of your previous threads but you were clear that you were just interested in unattached sex. That is what you got. I assume the pilot is a commercial pilot. My understanding is that they like to have booty calls setup around the country. So you were likely not the only booty call.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912570
01/13/21 06:38 PM
01/13/21 06:38 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,968
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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I believe he was also a cop and a FBI agent lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912574
01/13/21 06:54 PM
01/13/21 06:54 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,037
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CWarrior Offline
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CWarrior  Offline
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Originally Posted by KitCat
I get it - its too late. Can't go back and change the beginning but was hopeful I could change the ending. But, you are right. He is not interested in wasting any more time.

You still seem to take less issue with your ex-husband's abuse and pilot's anger issues than we do, and to be strongly opposed to therapy. Given your co-dependence, I worry in terms of future relationships. It's easy to feel like what we're used to is the norm, even if many are telling you such is not the norm or acceptable. I'm glad you're being more open--it's sometimes challenging to know what's going on as you re-write things. We earnestly want you to get to a better place, even if the journey must be your own.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912583
01/13/21 07:45 PM
01/13/21 07:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,968
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Another quote that made me think of you:

“Love is freedom, allowing and acceptance. When you love others in a way that maintains their freedom to choose you or someone else, this gives you peace of mind that you were chosen over all other potential suitors. It’s the mindset of being their best option but creating the conditions that if their effort and interest is not mutual, you will find someone better. You deserve someone who loves, values, celebrates and cherishes you the way you are without having to change or bend yourself into a pretzel to please them. It’s the ultimate take it or leave it kind of non-attached attitude that helps to ensure you only date people who are really into you.”


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912608
01/14/21 03:08 AM
01/14/21 03:08 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
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KitCat Offline OP
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KitCat  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
I get it.... I'm only now speaking of years of abuse by my H because I was in denial. Even when my mom witnessed things I still glossed over and made excuses for him.

I'm just done.

I accept what happened. I accept that I made choices too.

The best thing for me to move forward is to give it a voice and put it to rest. I won't live there anymore. I have forgiven myself and my STBXH.

I had an amazing day though weird.... so weird. STBXH called in a panic puppy chewed off end of tail and bleeding profusely. It's my day off and I told him I'm leaving town at 2pm. If he gets to clinic before I leave I will see him or if its later I will instructions for staff.

I love this dog... my whole office loves this dog... told STBXH the decision was his bit it was time to lose the tail. As said as it is it will make everyone's life better including the puppy. While I'm checking in the dog my phone is ringing and I ignore. STBXH says your phone is ringing so i go to pull it out of my pocket to silence it and it's his mother... LOL.

So i answer because I'm meeting her for lunch in less than 2hr... she keeps talking. STBXH is trying to figure out what's going on by my end of convo and I finally mouth the word "you know your mother". Turns out after 2month of trying by everyone my SD19 is coming to lunch and I need to pick her up... woo hoo!!!!

I get back to hospitalize puppy... get on pain meds and schedule surgery tomorrow and let him know I may keep thru weekend to ensure he is recovering well. I turn to leave and send him on his way when he gets my attention and says if I see SD19 could I get a picture if she allows.... I can hear sadness in his voice as he has been trying to fix things with her. I said I would and left the room.

Now S19 is super stoked... they were so close!!! Lunch was awesome!!!!! I was in heaven watching those 2 together again. We then left for college.... and then STBXH was texting up a storm. Said he couldn't sleep as he missed his buddy. Went on to ask how lunch was... I just said AWESOME and that was it. Then he was asking about the insurance company and if I had my own acct. I reminded him he had separated our accts last spring.

I won't hate him. Not worth my energy. But, I will never tolerate his vitriol again. I will not participate in any fence mending between him and the kids... I used to... but its his burden and shame now. Not mine.

As for pilot... it is what it is... I was mistaken in that whole thing. If it was just FWB he would not have given 1 crap about how I was quiet or didn't care to get him to open up or understand his work personal like balance issues. He would not care that I was a married woman. I can't go back and start that over.

I was triggered by his behavior because I had not dealt and some can argue still haven't dealt with the trauma of my M. Many people who have been impacted by suicide first hand can't watch a movie where that's in there... they are triggered... that's what I liken it to. Had I known him better, had better trust, it been a lot longer after I dealt with my M I may not have been triggered at all... I was still too raw. I wasn't even in the same room with him when it happened.

Regardless... its done... my M and this crap situation with the pilot.

Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912614
01/14/21 09:03 AM
01/14/21 09:03 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,968
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Posts: 5,968
KK,

So I still don’t think you understand what FWBs actually means so let’s just leave at that. You are not a FWB kind of girl.

When you date there will be people that like you and people that don’t. If you can’t understand and handle that you probably shouldn’t be dating.

Last edited by LH19; 01/14/21 09:04 AM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 27 [Re: KitCat] #2912616
01/14/21 10:39 AM
01/14/21 10:39 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 264
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MrBrside Offline
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KK,

Several people told you dating was a bad idea. Especially, as only posts before you were still hung up on your husband.

You brushed it off as a bit of fun / letting your hair down and harmless..

Dating is not harmless when you have attachment issues. Look at the outcome of what was just a few dates with a guy.. You can't get over it and its actually set you back.

Wolfman is a great example of why not to date broken.
You followed in his footsteps - different outcome, but same principle.. It wasnt a positive or happy ending.

Please speak to a specialist. A lot of people here are posting the same thing day in day out, but until you make the steps needed, you will go full circle continually.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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