A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912560
01/13/21 05:52 PM
01/13/21 05:52 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
I suggest you think of your father not as your father, but as a person to be - well, I was going to say manipulated, but what I think I really mean is MANAGED.

It benefits you for him to do this for you. It's definitely weird that he showed you the bill. But if you would like to benefit from his largesse in the future, simply respond "gee, thank you for the generous gift. " Don't get sucked into any more discussion than that. He may have been looking for credit for his generosity or he may have been hoping you'd pay for part but just ignore that and say thank you.

Same with other things. Keep your expectations at zero. Don't get sucked in to any changes of mind on his part. Treat him as you might a crazy aunt who you would like to keep receiving financial help from but have to MANAGE.

Or simply decline offers of help in the future but I know that financially his aid has been useful to you sometimes.

And just remember this is not normal dad behavior. Who knows what drives it - guilt, narcissism, wanting to keep you by keeping you beholden to him - who knows? But just accept that he's not who you wish him to be but on some level he is trying to be helpful and just manage that.

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912571
01/13/21 06:42 PM
01/13/21 06:42 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,478
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
Ginger1  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,478
My dad. I just canít figure him out. To be honest with you, this has been one of my biggest emotional struggles lately. I have always put my dad on a pedestal. He was the only one partially present for me . I basically saw him as the most wonderful dad in the world. Even though at 17 he left to be with his affair partner leaving me with a mother who was losing her mind, spiraling down, and getting back into drugs when I was a senior in high school. I left college ( the one he said he would pay for after a year, and lo and behold, I did) and lived on my own. My dad always told me he stayed for my sake as long as he did ( guilt trip) and whenever I mention something about my loneliness and struggles, he says ďyeah, thatís how I lived my whole life married to your mom, I knowĒ like he was completely sacrificial in staying for me and I owed him .

His giveth and taketh back I began to realize when I had D13. He was retired and I asked if he could come help once a week so I could get sleep after I worked a night shift . He agreed, but reluctantly. He didnít want to do it anymore. Then ex left really leaving me in a child care bind because I then had to go back full time and I again asked for once a week, he agreed, then made me feel awfully guilty for it and I couldnít take it anymore. I decided to leave my job I loved, my safe place, to get more normal hours so I didnít have to rely on him for anything. Just daycare. And that tumbled into me taking a bunch of jobs that werenít a good fit because my hands were tied. And this has just been going on with monetary items he wants to offer, but wants to be bowed down to and hold over my head, or reneg on leaving me in a bind. He gets mad when I donít accept. But I accept and he plays games with me.

Recently they made amends with his wifeís sister. Many years of no talking. Now they are rebuilding their relationship, but they talk behind their backs all the time. It bothers me.

My dad puts on this facade like he lives his life for me . And for that I am indebted.

But I am really truly struggling with not putting my dad on a pedestal anymore and seeing who he really is. It hurts a lot. Iíve been convinced all along he has selfishly given his life for me. But I donít know about that .itís hard to realize the one person in your life, the one family, the one adult, is like this. And I question myself all the time if Iím. It being appreciative. I realize once I kind of lost my dad when he lived out, I just replaced who was on the pedestal. I wish I would have put my self on a pedestal instead.

My close coworker has 3 kids and 2 grandkids. Nothing excited this woman more than when her grandkids come over for the weekend while the parents go and have fun. Her and her husband LOVE IT. She puts together a bunch of fun activities, and always does whatever she can for her grandkids and her kids with no expectations of worship or owing or guilt. I am overly appreciative of any nice gestures and help anyone gives me. Even my dad. But itís getting hard. Itís really wearing me down. And losing him as a ďrockĒ is scary. Because that was the last I had. But I just donít trust him in that sense anymore. And I am going to take your advice KML and just thank him for the generous gift if I accept and i will only accept if it benefits my daughter . Even if he needs to show me then Bill

What a tough year itís been. My life has been tough, but this must have been the loneliest rough year I have ever known. Itís taken a toll on me and I feel like Iíve aged 20 years. I really miss the old me .

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912576
01/13/21 07:09 PM
01/13/21 07:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
(((((Hug)))))

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912578
01/13/21 07:10 PM
01/13/21 07:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
Your dad is limited - and who knows where his pathology comes from, sometimes it's generational. Good for you for breaking the chain with your own daughter though - you deserve an award for that!

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912580
01/13/21 07:16 PM
01/13/21 07:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 373
9
97Hope Offline
Member
97Hope  Offline
Member
9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 373
Hi Ginger,

Just want to second what JuJu & Job said. You really are amazing. I've only recently been back here after taking a year off the boards to deal with my own D.

Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend.

Dad's are tough. Mine left my mom years ago when I was 17 and proceeded to marry 4 more times before his 5th wife, who he has been with (?) 15 years or so?

I remembered a convo with my brother and he said "When are you going to stop being surprised by his behavior?"

I realized this was true of my XH and my dad and, really most people in my life. I had to accept who they were - and work on my boundaries.

My dad and I are very close now, but it's taken some very tough conversations (and I had a lot of therapy) to get here.

You don't need your dad to be your rock. You have proven that with help from friends and those around you - that you ARE the rock. Don't forget that now.

Of course I'm not going to lie - It would be great for you to have a 'rock' right now, but it's a desire not a necessity. (I'm in the same boat. No rock.) In the meantime, take whatever time you want to be sad, lonely, a mix - just don't stay there. And I know you won't. I've read your story. : )

Your posts have helped me tremendously.

big hugs ((((G))))

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912919
01/17/21 11:31 PM
01/17/21 11:31 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,478
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
Ginger1  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,478
Hi hope! Thanks for stopping by. My fad has not reached out which means heís mad at me waiting for an apology. And like you said, hope, ďam I really surprised by his behavior ď nope. Usually I cave, he starts guilting and yelling at me when I do, and I just am not in a place to handle it.

Things have been pretty difficult lately. My daughter has been smacked so badly with the teen years. I was warned, but I was NOT ready. Sheís mean to me. Like all the time. Everything that comes out of her mouth is nasty, snarky,and just down right hurtful. I canít stand it anymore. I actually sit in my driveway and donít want to come in from work because Iím dreading it knowing how sheís going to be. How awful is that? She my kid! The one I absolutely loved spending time time with. Now sheís just mean. She left with her dad until Tuesday night and I am relived! How awful is that?!! When the person you love the most is disrespectful and mean to you, man, it hurts. Maybe she needs some time away. I tried sitting her down and asking if there was something bothering her, if she wanted to talk about something and she said everything is great. Itís a really tough thing to experience alone. I usually do everything for her, take where she wants, do what she wants,
Cook what she wants, etc. Iím not doing it anymore. Iím done until she shapes up. Itís been really hard and lonely around this house.

Work is my refuge. I am appreciated there, I love my coworkers and I feel like Iím doing something good and right. Most of the time. I am really lucky to work where I am appreciated. Itís not often in healthcare that happens. Itís mentally taxing to watch people die of covid everyday after a long battle, and itís usually a long battle. Iím happy when I can set people up with what they need to go home after being in the hospital for a month. But seriously, the only place I feel loved and appreciated is work. I guess Iím lucky to have that.

Tuesday I get my second dose of vaccine. Iím preparing for a miserable 12 hours from what I hear from all my coworkers. Fever chills, body aches, headaches. But it means itís doing what itís supposed to, so Iíll take it. I look forward to a little bit of normalcy and less fear.
Back to work tomorrow, I work 2 hours from home Saturday and a full day Sunday I signed up for at my other job. Extra money I guess. I donít need it badly, so I might do something nice for myself with the money I make from Sunday.

Oh, want to hear something pathetic? My dog usually sleeps at the bottom of the bed. The other nice he decided to snuggle against my back. Feeling his warm weight dam bear made me cry.

Iím seriously touch deprived .

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912928
01/18/21 02:58 AM
01/18/21 02:58 AM
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 373
9
97Hope Offline
Member
97Hope  Offline
Member
9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 373
Ginger,

You give amazing advice here. What would you tell me to do about a dad that yells, blame shifts and guilts me into apologizing?

Or a kid who is being disrespectful, mean and nasty?

I know she's been though a lot - but it's still a good time for boundaries. They do come out of this, I promise! But in the meantime, Don't accept the abuse.

I think you would tell your friend to implement boundaries. Be your own friend. ((ginger))

ps. I KNOW it's hard!! My boys had dirtbag stages too and they came through. They now laugh at how obnoxious they were and brag about their mom who wouldn't take their cr*p. lol Hang in there!!

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912940
01/18/21 11:54 AM
01/18/21 11:54 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,938
Massachusetts
B
bttrfly Offline
Member
bttrfly  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,938
Massachusetts
she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

One, Two, Three, Give it to God
Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912957
01/18/21 05:27 PM
01/18/21 05:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
Quote
she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.

This. Plus maybe PMS (I never experienced that but my then-daughter sure did!).

It's normal to push away from the same-sex parent in their teens. Plus you are the "safe" parent to vent on.

It's interesting though that you followed your initial statement by saying how you do everything for her. Is that really what you should be doing? Perhaps it's time to help her grow up a bit by expecting more responsibility from her. Not in a punitive way but in a "here's our monthly budget, here's our food budget, here's how to cook X, once a week it's going to be your turn to cook" kind of way. If she doesn't do laundry she's more than old enough to learn. Weekly housecleaning should be a chore she participates in - she can learn to mop the floors or clean toilets.

Re: Keep f*%king going [Re: Ginger1] #2912958
01/18/21 05:33 PM
01/18/21 05:33 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,536
(Btw, in speaking with my middle son - the one who used to be my daughter - this weekend, the subject of his father came up, and he said he "thought dad shat gold until I was twenty". Same kid has a pretty good handle on things now and we are very close. )

Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004