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I suggest you think of your father not as your father, but as a person to be - well, I was going to say manipulated, but what I think I really mean is MANAGED.

It benefits you for him to do this for you. It's definitely weird that he showed you the bill. But if you would like to benefit from his largesse in the future, simply respond "gee, thank you for the generous gift. " Don't get sucked into any more discussion than that. He may have been looking for credit for his generosity or he may have been hoping you'd pay for part but just ignore that and say thank you.

Same with other things. Keep your expectations at zero. Don't get sucked in to any changes of mind on his part. Treat him as you might a crazy aunt who you would like to keep receiving financial help from but have to MANAGE.

Or simply decline offers of help in the future but I know that financially his aid has been useful to you sometimes.

And just remember this is not normal dad behavior. Who knows what drives it - guilt, narcissism, wanting to keep you by keeping you beholden to him - who knows? But just accept that he's not who you wish him to be but on some level he is trying to be helpful and just manage that.

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My dad. I just can’t figure him out. To be honest with you, this has been one of my biggest emotional struggles lately. I have always put my dad on a pedestal. He was the only one partially present for me . I basically saw him as the most wonderful dad in the world. Even though at 17 he left to be with his affair partner leaving me with a mother who was losing her mind, spiraling down, and getting back into drugs when I was a senior in high school. I left college ( the one he said he would pay for after a year, and lo and behold, I did) and lived on my own. My dad always told me he stayed for my sake as long as he did ( guilt trip) and whenever I mention something about my loneliness and struggles, he says “yeah, that’s how I lived my whole life married to your mom, I know” like he was completely sacrificial in staying for me and I owed him .

His giveth and taketh back I began to realize when I had D13. He was retired and I asked if he could come help once a week so I could get sleep after I worked a night shift . He agreed, but reluctantly. He didn’t want to do it anymore. Then ex left really leaving me in a child care bind because I then had to go back full time and I again asked for once a week, he agreed, then made me feel awfully guilty for it and I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to leave my job I loved, my safe place, to get more normal hours so I didn’t have to rely on him for anything. Just daycare. And that tumbled into me taking a bunch of jobs that weren’t a good fit because my hands were tied. And this has just been going on with monetary items he wants to offer, but wants to be bowed down to and hold over my head, or reneg on leaving me in a bind. He gets mad when I don’t accept. But I accept and he plays games with me.

Recently they made amends with his wife’s sister. Many years of no talking. Now they are rebuilding their relationship, but they talk behind their backs all the time. It bothers me.

My dad puts on this facade like he lives his life for me . And for that I am indebted.

But I am really truly struggling with not putting my dad on a pedestal anymore and seeing who he really is. It hurts a lot. I’ve been convinced all along he has selfishly given his life for me. But I don’t know about that .it’s hard to realize the one person in your life, the one family, the one adult, is like this. And I question myself all the time if I’m. It being appreciative. I realize once I kind of lost my dad when he lived out, I just replaced who was on the pedestal. I wish I would have put my self on a pedestal instead.

My close coworker has 3 kids and 2 grandkids. Nothing excited this woman more than when her grandkids come over for the weekend while the parents go and have fun. Her and her husband LOVE IT. She puts together a bunch of fun activities, and always does whatever she can for her grandkids and her kids with no expectations of worship or owing or guilt. I am overly appreciative of any nice gestures and help anyone gives me. Even my dad. But it’s getting hard. It’s really wearing me down. And losing him as a “rock” is scary. Because that was the last I had. But I just don’t trust him in that sense anymore. And I am going to take your advice KML and just thank him for the generous gift if I accept and i will only accept if it benefits my daughter . Even if he needs to show me then Bill

What a tough year it’s been. My life has been tough, but this must have been the loneliest rough year I have ever known. It’s taken a toll on me and I feel like I’ve aged 20 years. I really miss the old me .

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(((((Hug)))))

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Your dad is limited - and who knows where his pathology comes from, sometimes it's generational. Good for you for breaking the chain with your own daughter though - you deserve an award for that!

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Hi Ginger,

Just want to second what JuJu & Job said. You really are amazing. I've only recently been back here after taking a year off the boards to deal with my own D.

Anyone would be blessed to have you as a friend.

Dad's are tough. Mine left my mom years ago when I was 17 and proceeded to marry 4 more times before his 5th wife, who he has been with (?) 15 years or so?

I remembered a convo with my brother and he said "When are you going to stop being surprised by his behavior?"

I realized this was true of my XH and my dad and, really most people in my life. I had to accept who they were - and work on my boundaries.

My dad and I are very close now, but it's taken some very tough conversations (and I had a lot of therapy) to get here.

You don't need your dad to be your rock. You have proven that with help from friends and those around you - that you ARE the rock. Don't forget that now.

Of course I'm not going to lie - It would be great for you to have a 'rock' right now, but it's a desire not a necessity. (I'm in the same boat. No rock.) In the meantime, take whatever time you want to be sad, lonely, a mix - just don't stay there. And I know you won't. I've read your story. : )

Your posts have helped me tremendously.

big hugs ((((G))))


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Hi hope! Thanks for stopping by. My fad has not reached out which means he’s mad at me waiting for an apology. And like you said, hope, “am I really surprised by his behavior “ nope. Usually I cave, he starts guilting and yelling at me when I do, and I just am not in a place to handle it.

Things have been pretty difficult lately. My daughter has been smacked so badly with the teen years. I was warned, but I was NOT ready. She’s mean to me. Like all the time. Everything that comes out of her mouth is nasty, snarky,and just down right hurtful. I can’t stand it anymore. I actually sit in my driveway and don’t want to come in from work because I’m dreading it knowing how she’s going to be. How awful is that? She my kid! The one I absolutely loved spending time time with. Now she’s just mean. She left with her dad until Tuesday night and I am relived! How awful is that?!! When the person you love the most is disrespectful and mean to you, man, it hurts. Maybe she needs some time away. I tried sitting her down and asking if there was something bothering her, if she wanted to talk about something and she said everything is great. It’s a really tough thing to experience alone. I usually do everything for her, take where she wants, do what she wants,
Cook what she wants, etc. I’m not doing it anymore. I’m done until she shapes up. It’s been really hard and lonely around this house.

Work is my refuge. I am appreciated there, I love my coworkers and I feel like I’m doing something good and right. Most of the time. I am really lucky to work where I am appreciated. It’s not often in healthcare that happens. It’s mentally taxing to watch people die of covid everyday after a long battle, and it’s usually a long battle. I’m happy when I can set people up with what they need to go home after being in the hospital for a month. But seriously, the only place I feel loved and appreciated is work. I guess I’m lucky to have that.

Tuesday I get my second dose of vaccine. I’m preparing for a miserable 12 hours from what I hear from all my coworkers. Fever chills, body aches, headaches. But it means it’s doing what it’s supposed to, so I’ll take it. I look forward to a little bit of normalcy and less fear.
Back to work tomorrow, I work 2 hours from home Saturday and a full day Sunday I signed up for at my other job. Extra money I guess. I don’t need it badly, so I might do something nice for myself with the money I make from Sunday.

Oh, want to hear something pathetic? My dog usually sleeps at the bottom of the bed. The other nice he decided to snuggle against my back. Feeling his warm weight dam bear made me cry.

I’m seriously touch deprived .

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Ginger,

You give amazing advice here. What would you tell me to do about a dad that yells, blame shifts and guilts me into apologizing?

Or a kid who is being disrespectful, mean and nasty?

I know she's been though a lot - but it's still a good time for boundaries. They do come out of this, I promise! But in the meantime, Don't accept the abuse.

I think you would tell your friend to implement boundaries. Be your own friend. ((ginger))

ps. I KNOW it's hard!! My boys had dirtbag stages too and they came through. They now laugh at how obnoxious they were and brag about their mom who wouldn't take their cr*p. lol Hang in there!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Quote
she's separating from the person she loves most in the world, because that's what she's supposed to do as a teenager. it's brutal, but know that it's proportional to how much she really does love you.

This. Plus maybe PMS (I never experienced that but my then-daughter sure did!).

It's normal to push away from the same-sex parent in their teens. Plus you are the "safe" parent to vent on.

It's interesting though that you followed your initial statement by saying how you do everything for her. Is that really what you should be doing? Perhaps it's time to help her grow up a bit by expecting more responsibility from her. Not in a punitive way but in a "here's our monthly budget, here's our food budget, here's how to cook X, once a week it's going to be your turn to cook" kind of way. If she doesn't do laundry she's more than old enough to learn. Weekly housecleaning should be a chore she participates in - she can learn to mop the floors or clean toilets.

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(Btw, in speaking with my middle son - the one who used to be my daughter - this weekend, the subject of his father came up, and he said he "thought dad shat gold until I was twenty". Same kid has a pretty good handle on things now and we are very close. )

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