Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
Nothing wrong with this affecting you. You're human. It would only be a problem if you reacted and reached out to him or something.

It will get easier Gigi. Hang in there.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 569
Likes: 8
9
Member
Offline
Member
9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 569
Likes: 8
Hi Gigi,

just getting caught up on your sitch. I think you are doing remarkably well considering a 10 month time frame and all you have been through.

I realized after getting some news yesterday about my STBXH that I still have a ways to go toward fully detaching. It's a process.

*It bothered me for longer than a second or so (wink).

Stay strong! You are amazing!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
G
Gigi123 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
Thank you both, i feel absolutely fine today, its not news, they have been in a relationship for nearly 10 months....and as she is only 23, i can imagine fb status is rather important to her smile

I was reading some of the threads and i was reminded again that its actions that matter and not words. Whilst we dont know see each other often, probably once a week when he drops the boys off, he does still make a lot of empty promises and the funny thing he initiates the conversations over txt!
And i do still get disappointed when he doesnt do what he says he will do, like pay his car fines (car is in my name, so i get the fines). But his action was to update his fb status! So i know where he is at! And i also know that i do not want a man who does not keep his word, words generally mean very little to me. Upwards and onwards

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
Originally Posted by Gigi123
Thank you both, i feel absolutely fine today, its not news, they have been in a relationship for nearly 10 months....and as she is only 23, i can imagine fb status is rather important to her smile

I was reading some of the threads and i was reminded again that its actions that matter and not words. Whilst we dont know see each other often, probably once a week when he drops the boys off, he does still make a lot of empty promises and the funny thing he initiates the conversations over txt!
And i do still get disappointed when he doesnt do what he says he will do, like pay his car fines (car is in my name, so i get the fines). But his action was to update his fb status! So i know where he is at! And i also know that i do not want a man who does not keep his word, words generally mean very little to me. Upwards and onwards



Gigi, great post. You're on this!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
G
Gigi123 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
Want to journal so i remember how this all makes me feel and how quickly i recover now from all these mild irritations.

So when h left and still lived with us he literally just left me to deal with kids. Fast forward to november, so 9 months later he finally sorted himself a place to live. We had agreed 2 nights with kids for him. Worked well for me, breaks up my weeks, gives me chance to gal and rest. Now he wants a different schedule, 3 night/4 night and then swap. I see no reason to agree to that, so i proposed an after school evening so he can see the kids 3 times per week. He then said he wants three nights. I would have agreed that perhaps every other week, however he started saying stuff like kids keep telling him that they want to live with him, continually that they dont want to go back to me etc. So s5 does want to stay at H and play xbox! S7 does want to see dad more often. S7 and i have very honest discussions, he is very profound and grown up and he has never said to H that he wants to live there! I really dislike manipulations like that and just blatant lies. We do not have any formal agreements, we have nothing written out re finance or any sort of separation agreement, so we very much rely on sgreeing things amicably. This has been the first open conflict we have had in nearly 10 months.
It took me a good hour to rebalance myself. But i will sleep tonight! Even a couple of months ago this would have rattled me so much!

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
G
Gigi123 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
So after our convo on monday where i did not agree for extra night for H to have the kids, he went to the solicitors, who have advised him to speak to me again! But he decided that its pointless! So wants to proceed to mediation. I spoke to him today on the phone and he said he will take it all the way even if it makes him bankrupt! I dont know who is whispering in his ear, whether its his family or ow, but thats quiet a change in tactic for him. I obv got some legal advice too, and likewise try and agree without mediation and definitely avoid court. Court order means every time we want to make a change we have to go to court! I do not want to live my life like this and consult with a third party on my children!

H is having the kids tonight, so feeling really upset. But probably a good thing they arent here to see me upset.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,458
Likes: 58
Gigi, sorry to hear this. This is why I try to get LBSs to hire a lawyer. Even if you want to agree without mediation, or without going to court first. But the problem is that these things have a way of deteriorating. And agreeing to concessions that you should not just avoid legal fees is probably not the right approach. Others have been through it (I've only known family and friends that have), so they can chime in, but unless your WAS is extremely amicable, even those that originally expressed a desire to work together sometimes start getting more and more difficult. Sometimes is as simple as something like not getting an extra night with the kids. Sometimes it is about money and assets. I always tell LBSs that D is a legal process and as such you need an expert on those legalities.

Sorry you are struggling. The emotional roller-coaster is real. But you will get through.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
G
Gigi123 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
Honestly We havent had any conflict so far, everything has been agreed amicably on all fronts. It was suggested that offer him an alternative. But im genuinely thinking that maybe mediation wouldnt be a bad thing, to get everything on the table. I do not want a war, unlike him i know this is not in the best interest of my children.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
G
Gigi123 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 331
Likes: 1
Hi all

Not much to update. We seem to have hit a good spell of coparenting, easy flow of info, fairly friendly, easy to negotiate days, as we both work trying ti be as flexible as we can with each other.
Its been 11 months since bd. Life is good, although we have so many unresolved issues, i.e finances etc im just enjoying life! Somehow found balance in the midst of this havoc.

h still with ow, but honestly i have no idea what type of relationship they have, i have no interest, all i care about is that she is nice to my kids. And it sounds like she is ok.

Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
That is great, Gigi! So glad to hear it. Sending good thoughts for the balance to continue.

One thing that has been helpful for me is to take the time when things are going well to explicitly identify the elements that are helping to make things positive. What are the actions you're taking or mindset you're cultivating that is helping you with the balance and detachment? Sometimes it can help to have clearly identified those elements so that when things get rough down the line, like when you start addressing some of the unresolved issues, you can pull on the things that helped you previously and more quickly regain your internal balance.

Thanks for the update!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard