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DnJ #2912183 01/09/21 12:55 AM
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Hello All

What a gorgeous night. All day has been an ice fog, with temperature around -4C. I arrived home with last light of the setting sun pushed back by the eager dark.

My nightly feeding and walking of the dogs was wonderful. The trees are cloaked, their limbs and tender tendril branches heavy in white velvet. An impressive figure of white against the absent background.

The air is still. My footfalls, a slow metronome, rhythmical punctuate the silence, almost echoing off the stillness. My sauntering pace is matched by the dogs. The silence looking further than one can see in the hazy world.

There are far too few times when the world becomes still. The rush of modern life pervades into everything and everywhere. These times are rare, and well enjoyed.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2912208 01/09/21 04:38 PM
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Good Morning

During my three weeks off, I stopped setting my alarm, and slept in as long as I pleased. However, my internal alarm had me still getting up before my 5:30am start of the days. Most days were earlier, like 4:30am, probably due to the excitement of Christmas and such. lol. I’m such a kids at heart. smile

By the third week I was sleeping until 7-8, even later, mostly because S20 and I would stay up late talking and watching movies.

So, I go back to work and the normal schedule of alarm set for 5:30am. Things fell off the track on Thursday morning.

Wednesday night I go to bed at the usual time, but forgot to turn on the alarm. Ah, the three week habit of not setting the alarm clock. smile

I wake up on Thursday morning - early - before the alarm (so I think). It is dark, which of course it would be at pre 5:30am. I lay there, considering going back to bed, or shutting my eyes, or resting until the designated time. I slept, and sleep, really well - I must be very content since I sleep so soundly and peacefully. A few minutes go by, I wonder just how early I am and turn to look at the red glowing numbers dimly lighting the room. It reads 7:05.

Oh that’s nice.

Snuggle into the blankets.

Pssst. Hey brain, that’s 7:05.

What?!?

7:05!

OMG!

I should already be on the road! Even if I were to jump into the car as I was and take off, I’d be late. Lol

I get out of bed and perform the morning ritual, truncating a few places where I can. I still gently close the cupboard doors; equanimity is still who I am. Although that got tested pretty well with my 32 oz travel mug of coffee.

After toast and coffee, and reading what’s going on with folks here, I ready my travel mug. Cream, sugar, coffee, screw down lid, turn end over end three times to stir, pop open sipping valve to release pressure, and off I go. Well, that’s the usual. Thursday, turn end over end - the cap wasn’t screwed down properly. Coffee all over the floor, the counter, the fronts of the lower cupboard doors - sigh.

Wash the cupboards, the floor, and clean up the mess. Unscrew my travel mug lid, wash and dry it, and wash off the coffee from the outside of the mug. Ensure the lid is properly installed this time, and continue. Haha. I even said something along the lines that I was been tested.

I finally get out the door and on the way. In route, at 8:00am, I phone my guys and tell them I’ll be an hour late. I then phone my boss and tell him the same. He finds the whole scenario rather humorous. (By the way, my boss was awarded a promotion on December 23rd and his last day was this Friday)

I do find it interesting I’d call me guys before my boss. And my boss does the same for me. Being a leader is not being in charge. It is caring for those in your charge. They come first.

On route my virtual doctor appointment calls. I need to pull over and discuss things with her for 10 minutes. My eye has been doing well, and no change to the medication. So all is well, and continuing along sans red eye or pain. It appears I will be on the immunity suppressor for life. So still alcohol-free. Which is ok, I rather give up booze than have that eye problem. Although I do miss those caesars. And single malt scotch. And tasty liquors. Lol

I get to work and dig in. It is a busy day and I am an hour behind. It all goes well.

But I made sure the alarm was turned on Thursday night!

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2912211 01/09/21 04:55 PM
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This week, the buttons for the arcade finally arrived. I installed them and unfortunately the existing ends on the control wires were too small for the new micro switches. I figured that would be the case. So, I had to purchase a few dozen new crimp connectors and spend three hours replacing the ends, attaching the control wires, and routing the wiring properly.

With that, the arcade is up and running. And works great!

I was up to midnight last night playing various shoot’em up games.

It was a fun project, and now a fun past time. The kids are eager to visit and play it. I best bask the glow of my current high scores, for they won’t endure once my kids play. Darn kids, and their reflexes and speed. Lol.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2912270 01/10/21 03:03 PM
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DnJ,

I would like to ask you something. Hope I'm not too direct and if you do not want to answer, I fully understand.

In your signature you state, "I may give up, but not today."

If your ex-wife turns up at your door-step one day and realizes what she has done, is your heart still open to give her a 2nd chance? The reason why I ask this is because you haven't been together for 3 years now and I wondered what your feelings are like now towards her.

I'm 2 years post BD and I still love him deeply, even though all the things he has done to our family. From my thread you know that I want to stand, even if we are divorced, I only want to separate myself from his crisis, and financially secure myself.

As you mentioned in my thread:
That paper, that agreement, does not control your heart. You can stand while divorced. And you’re right, one quits standing in a certain way, and stands more for their own values and self.

I wonder if, after a long time, you can still love somebody when you are separated that long, isn’t this fading?


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S17, S14 & S14
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 11/21 OW2
10/21-01/22 Short awakening
02/22 Back in Lalaland - OW2 exposed - Divorce official
I let go
DnJ #2912271 01/10/21 03:06 PM
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Hi ((D)))

Loved reading about your Christmas.

But important question, do you have Frogger?? lol That was one of my faves 'back in the day'.

Felt a lot of peace reading through your sitch.

Mine is different in that their Dad has been hiding the OM. Now the hornets nest revolved around when they began their affair.

I started to go down that rabbit hole, but realized I had already done that. I know. And I have the gift of trusting myself. I had lost that.

I'm wondering how the brain processes these things. Your children and the bomb drop in the middle of Thanksgiving, versus how mine handled the D - rewriting history and there is no one else.

Only time will tell, but I find it interesting that you chose compassion when you knew of an OM. I chose compassion giving him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm glad I didn't know until I knew. I have learned how to have compassion before it was truly put to the test.

Have a nice Sunday! And watch those lids! LOL I've done similar - didn't have it solidly on and the coffee went straight down the front of my outfit as I tried to take a nice big swig in the car!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
DnJ #2912299 01/10/21 07:34 PM
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Good Morning Eagle

Originally Posted by Eagle3
In your signature you state, "I may give up, but not today."

If your ex-wife turns up at your door-step one day and realizes what she has done, is your heart still open to give her a 2nd chance?

Yes, my heart is open.

My mind is open as well.

I was fortunate on my path. My heart remained soft and squishy; and did not harden towards her or life. The latter being the most important. Find compassion, do not let your heart harden.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I ask this is because you haven't been together for 3 years now and I wondered what your feelings are like now towards her.

A very good question. I appreciate your inquiry and the directness of it. The topic is important and meaningful. I am honoured you value my views and faith, for one wouldn’t ask if they didn’t.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
As you mentioned in my thread:
That paper, that agreement, does not control your heart. You can stand while divorced. And you’re right, one quits standing in a certain way, and stands more for their own values and self.

I wonder if, after a long time, you can still love somebody when you are separated that long, isn’t this fading?

Let see, it’s been three years and three months and three days since bomb drop.

(Lol. Isn’t that something. Three threes, W’s favourite number is/was three. Mine is four by the way. That has nothing to do with this, just opening the doors to my heart, to get to the meaty underside of this question. To get to the underlining truth. One’s core beliefs.)

The idea of a second chance is still alive. My hope is not dead. There is no timeframe upon it. I have no expectations of her coming back.

Read that last part again. I have no expectations of her coming back. This is important twofold. First, no deadline so no death of hope. Second, she probably isn’t coming back. Note, probabilities vs possibilities.

I live my life as if she is never to return. Yet, it is possible she may.

The counterintuitive-ness of that is pretty high at first. So much to reconcile with one’s self to find your path. Discovering your beliefs and values. Discarding those that do not serve or you are not proud or happy with. Creating beliefs you want. Strengthening those and living them.

3 years and how do I feel towards her? I still love her.

Love is more than a feeling. It is feelings, thoughts, actions, and beliefs. Love is driven by our spiritual path and affects our physical, intellectual, and emotional paths/“cars” as well.

Detachment allows one to regain control of their emotions. We are no longer dragged around by our spouse’s behaviour or words.

Indifference comes along and hopefully one utilizes it to dig deep within themselves and find their core self - and do their inner work. We find ourself, strengthen ourself, become and love ourself. Hopefully. That is the path I encourage. And there are many paths through this which lead to various outcomes. Compassion and forgiveness are good noble goals and heading, IMHO.

Those headings become paramount since indifference is not forever. Indifference does roll back. Our feelings and thoughts and beliefs do return. Our love does return. A compassionate, detached, full of empathy, understanding, forgiving, love returns. Three years or three decades, love is love. Why would it fade?

The answer to that is beliefs. Our values and beliefs are slow to change. Feelings and thought can and do change quickly. Belief are slow and therefore make good headings for one’s life choices. Ensure your beliefs are noble before heading out - you will be living with them for a while. smile

Love is a belief. It is slow to change. It take effort to alter that. Unlike feelings that are fleeting without reinforcement, beliefs are self-reinforcing. Infatuation is a feeling; love is a belief.

If W (not XW), if W returned to the present and asked for a second chance I’d offer it. Of course there are many caveats to that simplified statement. A few of them: If she is with OM, she is not with me. The path from OM’s bed to mine, is not a direct line. There are a few steps in between. She may show up on my doorstep. And I would talk with her. However, she wouldn’t be staying the night for quite some time.

I do forgive her. I have no need nor demand for retribution. This has freed me.

A hypothetical want to return from her would have restitution however. The form of that would be expressed in her willingness to do whatever it takes to demonstrate her commitment, her choice, her convictions. She is untrustworthy. It would take time to trust again.

I admit it’s a strange place and path to walk. Forgiving, loving, and accurate. XW and W, I use this denoting as she has demonstrated the various personalities within her, XW and W would need to demonstrate consistent behaviour for a time to gain back that which she lost. She is currently immoral, untrustworthy, disloyal, unfaithful, unkind, and lacks empathy. And a whole lot of other poor traits and qualities. She did display for many years much better! That’s the gal I married.

A chance at reconciliation would go along the lines of:

W, I am willing to explore the possibility of you and I. To see if any chemistry or spark still exists between us.

That would be a slow difficult path for her methinks. I am willing to explore it - if she choose too. I’ve already chosen, and it takes two.

Divorce, that paperwork, doesn’t kill love.

Be accurate. Only we control us. We kill our love, if we choose too.

Loving our hurt and lost ex-spouse isn’t being stuck. It isn’t a free pass back for them. One can decide not to ever reconcile and still love their ex-spouse. One’s spouse may never awaken, and we can still love them. Love is timeless and exists beyond all this mess and noise.

Consider your love of a long dead relative. Perhaps a grandmother. I still love my Grandma. I haven’t seen her in two decades. I don’t think of her everyday. I don’t miss her everyday. And I do still love her. Without doubt.

I see that path as a good path for our situations here. My W: I haven’t seen her in three years. I haven’t talked to her in three years. My heart is mine. A piece of paper doesn’t rule my heart.

That brings up “stand for you”.

My values and beliefs are strong. I would die for them. And now, after searching my soul, they are even stronger and I live for them.

Dying for a belief is easy. Living for a belief takes strength, courage, faith, and conviction.

An example: I believe in my word. I take that seriously. Very seriously. My vows still remain after XW has abandoned her’s. For better or worse, till death do us part.

I found my way to stand for me. Me keeping my side of the street clean, or upholding my word, has nothing to do with W - it has everything to do with me!

I know where I am. I know who I am. And I am happy with this guy. Proud of who I am. My values, my convictions, my life, my loves.

Did I plan on being single (divorced) at 50? No.

Do I want that? Ah, that’s a trickier question. Yes and no. I do want my life and values and keeping my word. I do stand for me. I also would like to share my life with someone.

The good friendship I have are deep ones. In real life, and more so here, I share my self. My values. My hopes. I live my beliefs. I believe all of us become more intimate; in the very best sense; than we were before. We become open and forgiving. We become.

And that is worth living for!

Originally Posted by Eagle3
I'm 2 years post BD and I still love him deeply, even though all the things he has done to our family. From my thread you know that I want to stand, even if we are divorced, I only want to separate myself from his crisis, and financially secure myself.

I’ve laid out what I’d encourage you to look towards.

Get free of his crisis. Find financial security for you and your boys.

Stand for you.

Compassion and forgiveness will not steer you astray. Set your course with those in mind and heart; and let the winds of the unknown future take hold in your unfurled sails.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2912302 01/10/21 08:16 PM
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Hello Hope

I just checked. Yes, it has frogger. smile

Oh my goodness. I am sorry, I laughed right out loud, reading about spilling coffee down your outfit in the car. Thank you for sharing that. Those lids! Yeah, we got keep an eye on them. Lol.

I think keeping the OP a secret is the more common approach taken by the MLCer. My W’s approach was rather apocalyptic of a bomb drop. It hurt everyone. She targeted me and the kids.

Part of her exodus was abandoning her children before they could abandon her. She actually stated that. Back then S22 had already move out and into residence at the university. W was distraught. She and I talked the year before when he left. I assured her it was fine and proper. Kids leave the nest and grow. Her and I would grow old together and have many years of visits and time with our kids and eventual grandkids.

Outwardly, she appeared to calm somewhat. Internally she did not. During that Thanksgiving night she said she was willing to risk never seeing her kids again for her chance at happiness. Three days later, during a phone call, she told me how she felt she was going crazy for months and months. Crying all the time. Hiding it from me and others. Until she had the epiphany that a crazy person wouldn’t think they are crazy so she must be alright.

She faulted her affair with OM. Shamelessly. Rubbed it in our faces. I won’t lie, that was a difficult time. The suddenness of it all. The flagrant rebellious and immorality of it all. She flew right off the rails.

You are correct. Compassion gets tested. We get tested.

I was blessed, without doubt, with forgiveness very early on. That was a huge component for my traversing through grief as I did. I had next to no anger, and accepting of many things rather quickly.

I even forgave OM. Accepted his emotional driven coveting and lust for W.

He and I have run into each other a few times here and there. He looked like a deer in the headlights when I went into the post office to get my mail as he was exiting. My immediate reaction, and it was a reaction since I hadn’t planned on seeing him, was a feeling of compassion for him. The look on his face. The sheepish look of an unfaithfully lived life. He is living, and suffering, a sin. The words in my head were “she’s all your’s”. A bit less charitable in the compassion department I’d admit. However, it was a reaction, a test, and one I was most happy to discover of me compassionately letting go.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2912304 01/10/21 09:25 PM
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Oh, please! I was in a state that morning but remembering it today made me laugh!

I am not sure I will run into OW any time soon but I imagine it would be more awful for her than me. I can't explain it nicely.

I guess the best way to put it is - I would hate to have me as a first wife coming into my family as the second. I'll leave it at that. lol


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
DnJ #2912345 01/11/21 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I was fortunate on my path. My heart remained soft and squishy; and did not harden towards her or life. The latter being the most important. Find compassion, do not let your heart harden.D


I don't think it is in my character to let my heart harden, and I sincerly hope it won't.
I have always been a strong person with a soft and loving heart and I wouldn't change that for the world.


Originally Posted by DnJ
A very good question. I appreciate your inquiry and the directness of it. The topic is important and meaningful. I am honoured you value my views and faith, for one wouldn’t ask if they didn’t.D


Thank you very much for giving an inside of your feelings. As already said in the past I truly believe that the path you follow is the one I want to follow as well. Therefore your opinion and views on certain things are of huge value to me.
I'm still in the learning process though.


Originally Posted by DnJ
Lol. Isn’t that something. Three threes, W’s favourite number is/was three.D


This is soooo strange...there is a reason why my name ends with a 3 (Eagle3). My favourite number is three. My birthday has several three's, I'm the 3d child, I have 3 children, and more things I can't add because too much personal info.

Originally Posted by DnJ
The idea of a second chance is still alive. My hope is not dead. There is no timeframe upon it. I have no expectations of her coming back.D


This is where I still have difficulties. How do you reach the state of still being open of a possible return but without expectations or hope. I find it very difficult to match these two.


Originally Posted by DnJ
Love is more than a feeling. It is feelings, thoughts, actions, and beliefs. Love is driven by our spiritual path and affects our physical, intellectual, and emotional paths/“cars” as well.D


You explained this very well, I will have to read it many more times to fully understand it but I would love to be in a position like this one day.


Originally Posted by DnJ
Get free of his crisis. Find financial security for you and your boys.D


Will certainly do that!!

This feedback really means the world to me. I'm not visiting a C anymore since for me it doesn't bring much value, but this is exactly what I need. People who have gone through the same period the past years and still are, the best advice there is, so thanks again for your time and effort.


Me (44) EXH (42)
M:15 T:19, S17, S14 & S14
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 11/21 OW2
10/21-01/22 Short awakening
02/22 Back in Lalaland - OW2 exposed - Divorce official
I let go
DnJ #2912529 01/13/21 02:57 AM
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Hello Eagle

I am glad to hear you are following a similar path as I did and am. From my view you are doing really good, and making excellent progress.

I agree with your views regarding counselling. People who have walked this horrible trail have a wealth of knowledge and experience. That kindredness has much benefit.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
This is where I still have difficulties. How do you reach the state of still being open of a possible return but without expectations or hope. I find it very difficult to match these two.

That’s the razor edge we learn to walk. Accuracy helps quite a bit. Accurate in thought and heart.

A few things from the above statement:

The usage of “but” does exactly what it is intended for. “But” is used to introduce and separate contradictory thoughts, feelings, ideas, statement, etc. To include both views, stop making them contradictory, stop using the word “but”. Use inclusive language, and your mind and heart will follow.

of vs to. Use “still being open to a possible return”, instead of “still being open of a possible return”. The former has a more positive vibe and brings that into your present and future view. The later is more abstract, detached, and less hopeful.

That little word “to” make a big difference. I am open to a possible return. That is true. It shows my willingness to that idea, and how it is not guaranteed. That language does lead itself to my willingness to uphold my vows and views, and willingness to explore this possible return if it were to happen.

Still being open of a possible return, speaks to just the possibility of the action. There is no future self (hope) in that statement. Open of her possible return says nothing about my view or belief or willingness. It would be more like - yep she might return and I’ve got no intention of taking her back. That is the place “of” would eventually lead one’s self.

How do you reach the state of still being open of to a possible return but and without expectations. or hope.

You probably notice the strikethrough on “or hope”. I do not go without hope. I do go without expectation.

Hope remains. This is the fuel. Hope is a powerful force, when harnessed and understood correctly. The common death of hope is the timeframe we place upon it, which turns it into an expectation.

The preceding nit-pickiness regarding accuracy is important. One requires accurate data to understand, formulate, and execute changes within themselves. This is the exciting part of the discovery of self and one’s core values and beliefs. The altering, discarding, and strengthening of our values and convictions.

How do you reach a state of remaining open to a possible return? Stand for you. Keep hope alive. For as long as there is love, there is hope.

Stand for you - encompasses a lot of things. Focus upon you, GAL, live and love your life, imagine and create your great life, live for (not die for) your beliefs and values, and so on.

In short, one remains open because they choose to. You decide to. That’s the big part. After that, you just live it.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
As already said in the past I truly believe that the path you follow is the one I want to follow as well.

You have been upon your new path for a good while. You have strong values and beliefs, well though out ideas, and strong stable emotions. I appreciate being part of your adventure, which we call life.

You so got this Eagle!

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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