How am I going to do this? Should I do this? (2)

[Mar252]

Original Thread

Summary - My W and I have been together, in a lesbian relationship, for 21 years. First BD was Memorial Day 2019. Second BD August 2019. Tried to save marriage for a year. W gives me the ILYBIANIL Sept 2020. Been separated ever since. She is having an affair with OW, that is a co-worker, but continues to deny it.

I temporarily left home over 2 months ago but will be returning on January 22 to get all my affairs in order and figure out what I will be doing with the rest of my life.

As the date gets closer my anxiety is starting to increase. Have no idea how I will manage the in-house separation. Determined to DB appropriately and detach as much as possible.

Despite all of the lying and cheating I cannot fathom a life without her. When we married it was sincerely a life long commitment on my part. Never imagined hearing my W tell me that she was no longer in love with me and did not want the marriage. It'e been 3.5 months since we separated and it hasn't gotten any easier. Still struggling with the pain and anger on a daily basis.

[97Hope]

As the date gets closer my anxiety is starting to increase. Have no idea how I will manage the in-house separation. Determined to DB appropriately and detach as much as possible.

Try to stay in today. A pastor I love called today "channel 2" - channel 1 was the past (we can't change it) channel 3 is the future (we don't know it).

I like how May (I think but on the previous thread) suggested a punch-list of sorts for what you can look at. Look at jobs (maybe you could start that online search and get a head start?
Focus on what you know you Need to do, and not what you imagine. Helps to regulate emotions when we don't try and fortune tell.

Despite all of the lying and cheating I cannot fathom a life without her.

This is completely normal and as you do the work on your own, the fear and awful feelings surrounding this will get better. Try not to go to channel 3. (I know it's hard! Just keep swimming)

I've been reading about self-differentiation and detachment.

When we married it was sincerely a life long commitment on my part. Never imagined hearing my W tell me that she was no longer in love with me and did not want the marriage.

You honored and continue to honor that commitment. You shouldn't have had to imagine it, let alone live it. Since it was handed to you, you can use this time to be the best Mar ever. Time is a gift. I know it doesn't feel like it but you can use it to focus on your own growth. Spiritual, Emotional, Physical. One day at a time. One hour/minute if need be. This is YOUR time.

It'e been 3.5 months since we separated and it hasn't gotten any easier. Still struggling with the pain and anger on a daily basis.

It will get better as you continue to GAL and focus your energy on your own personal growth.

I am so sorry that you are in pain. Use the anger to drive you to succeed as an individual. You need strength to get through this and you have it in you, just need to tap into it. Difficult if not impossible to do if you are focused on your W.

You aren't alone and you will not always feel this way. I know it's hard to believe, but I've been there. Big hugs (((mar)))

[Mar252]

Hope,

Your posts yesterday might have just saved my life - let me explain. I have a tattoo over my heart with the words - LOVE, HOPE and FAITH. I've had it since I was 29 yo. My W and I were dating at the time. One day we were strolling down the street in the West Village, in NYC, after a dinner date. We passed a tattoo parlor and spontaneously decided to go in and each get our first tattoo's. I had a very difficult time choosing the tattoo I wanted and ultimately chose these words because I have always strived to live my life according to them. I have consistently tried to have them be the driving factor in all of my decisions. Seeing your name and reading your posts made me realize that I have strayed from this over the past few years. (Hope was even going to be my daughter's name if I ever got pregnant. Unfortunately that never came to be.) I somehow lost this driving force, somewhere along the way, despite the fact that the words are tattooed over my heart. Instead, I have allowed FEAR, PAIN and ANGER to guide me.

I am a firm believer that all of our lives are dictated by the choices that we make. Everyday we make conscious and unconscious choices that dictate the path our lives will follow. The majority of the time the choices are small and unconscious but there are times in our lives where we have to make massive conscious decisions that will forever alter the course of our lives. I am at one of those times. The choices that I make in the next few months will alter my life forever.

I have chosen to choose LOVE, HOPE and FAITH has my driving forces once again. I wrote the following at 5:30 AM this morning. I am choosing to share my choices with all of you so that you may hold me accountable when I stray.

CHOICES


Lesson 48 - A Course in Miracles - The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are trusting in your own strength. The awareness that there is nothing to fear shows that somewhere in your mind, though not necessarily in a place you recognize as yet, you have remembered God, and let His strength take the place of your weakness. The instant you are willing to do this there is indeed nothing to fear


I Choose to place my marriage in the hands of God

I Choose to release fear and anger because they eclipse Love

I Choose Love, Hope and Faith always

I Choose Love because - LOVE NEVER FAILS

I Choose to continue loving you because Love is not a noun it is a Verb, an action word. LOVE is a Choice

I Choose to forgive you

I Choose to forgive myself for past transgressions, present failures and future ones to come

I Choose to let you go

I Choose to respect your choices and decisions

I Choose to live without the walls because Love is daring at all times

I Choose loving boundaries

I Choose to LOVE MYSELF

[Yail]

Mar, I feel for you. Most of us here have been exactly where you are.

When I was really in the thick of my situation I was frantic to find that one "out". The thing I could do or say or even just a single reason for what was happening. And usually that doesn't help. The thinking does keep us in this never-ending loop of a tunnel and it's very hard to get out.

Two things really helped me. Of course we married with the intention of staying together forever. Our spouses did too. I very much doubt they entered the marriage with the thought, "OH, I'll give this the majority of my life and then move-on". That's crazy. But - people change. And it's not bad that they do. You changed, and your W changed and that's a fact. The result is that - at least right now - your W is seeing her path diverging from yours. I don't think it's premeditated, and certainly not intentionally cruel. But seeing your departing spouse as an autonomous being with a life of their own is really key to moving on and seeing this as only a part of your life and not the entirety of your life. When we are in the tunnel we see it as "How could they do this to me". It's framing it as you only come as a duo, there is no other combination possible, and you are the only person suffering in this. I am sure your W is also suffering in her own way, but that doesn't mean she isn't quietly determined to seek out her new path. But know that she isn't doing it to intentionally harm you - the person that has been by her side for the majority of your life. So, the first thing that really helped me was focusing on seeing my XW as a person all in herself - her own hopes, dreams, paths that I had no say in.

The second thing is what I hope will really help you - action. Action for yourself. You can call it GAL but I always just think of that phrase as like "go take a yoga class" or something. For you I think that means redefining your life. Take action on searching for a new job. Take action on finding a new place to live. Add to your research a bit every day, and accept that it's okay to feel a little excited at times over some little things. You get to decorate your new place in a style that is solely based on your tastes, no compromises. You can eat foods that you like that maybe she didn't. Don't get me wrong, I think the little compromises in a relationship are beautiful, but now you get to experience the other side of the coin and be unapologetically selfish with your time. If that gives you a bit of joy take it!

I hope you can make your IHS as short as possible, because honestly I think it is going to be detrimental to your momentum. It is for many people. You'll be in the tunnel of only thinking about your R because it's normal and natural to do so. I think once you are safely in a space (I used that word intentionally) of your own you can emotionally relax, start to process, and start to heal. I say "safe" because you will continue to emotionally suffer while living with her.

In my sitch I had about a year of working through the pain in our marital home by myself while XW had moved. It was good for me in that I had the familiar, but I think I finally truly exhaled when I got a place of my own that was in my name, decorated to my tastes, chosen only by me etc.

You can do all of this without hating XW. You can carry your love forward and honor your marriage and the love you had together. But perhaps you just put it on a shelf for now to be addressed later. Right now you are respectful to her, but focused on you.

[97Hope]

(((Yail))) It's good to see you so strong!!! I'm so glad to see you continue to be a source of comfort and hope for others like you have been/are to me.

I Choose to place my marriage in the hands of God

I Choose to release fear and anger because they eclipse Love

I Choose Love, Hope and Faith always

I Choose Love because - LOVE NEVER FAILS

I Choose to continue loving you because Love is not a noun it is a Verb, an action word. LOVE is a Choice

I Choose to forgive you

I Choose to forgive myself for past transgressions, present failures and future ones to come

I Choose to let you go

I Choose to respect your choices and decisions

I Choose to live without the walls because Love is daring at all times

I Choose loving boundaries

I Choose to LOVE MYSELF

AMEN!! I chose love and hope and I don't regret it. You are right. All choices you can make. It will be hard sometimes, but I found peace int he acceptance.

I'm here for you, Mar and so are many others. (Yail is one of my favorites here as she was with me in the beginning of mine.)

I'm glad you know God and can turn this over to Him.

I listened to Tim Keller "How to Deal with Dark Times" on YouTube. It helped me enormously! I even took notes!

It's a hard thing to watch the person you have been with for so long ruin themselves. My H of 23 years is decimating his relationships with his sons and grandsons as we speak, but there is peace in choosing to love anyway. My love for him remains, but it is from a distance and with a respect for his journey.

Hang in there! (((mar)))

[Mar252]

Yail - Hope,

Ladies that you so much for all the practical advice. I am determined to go home and disengage as quickly as possible. Yail, I agree with you that the IHS will be emotionally detrimental. It is my biggest concern. Just had this very conversation with my sister this morning. I plan to go in there with an entirely new attitude and to remain as strong as possible.

I will continue to turn to you ladies for support and advice once I return in a couple of weeks.

[97Hope]

I'm full of advice on what not to do! Don't worry LOL

You will be ok. I hope you can enjoy the remainder of your trip. Consider it a reprieve to shore up emotionally. Big hugs!!

[Joe2017]

Yail - Hope,

Ladies that you so much for all the practical advice. I am determined to go home and disengage as quickly as possible. Yail, I agree with you that the IHS will be emotionally detrimental. It is my biggest concern. Just had this very conversation with my sister this morning. I plan to go in there with an entirely new attitude and to remain as strong as possible.

I will continue to turn to you ladies for support and advice once I return in a couple of weeks.

Be careful thinking that you’re gonna do any of this stuff quickly. It will only frustrate you if your try to rush detachment.

In home separation is very very difficult. It was so difficult and precarious for me, that I question the conventional wisdom of staying in the marital home. For my sanity and safety (and that of my kid) I had to move out during my divorce. I was being emotionally and physically terrorized by my wife. For instance, she changed her affair partner’s text message notification sound to a very distinct ringtone so I would know that she was talking to him every time he texted her. Full volume. My kid heard it. Her kid heard it. I heard it. Everyone knew what it was.

If stuff like that happens to you, leave. Or kick her out. Your safety and sanity is worth more than property.

Breathe. A lot. Look into “4x4“ or “box” breathing methods.

Try not to engage her emotionally. It is essential that you are polite but not “loving” like your instincts suggest you should be. You have to use the store cashier mentality: interact with her like you would the cashier at the grocery store. Polite, courteous, and humane, but succinct and strictly business. Detachment is real work. It does not come easy or quickly.

Good luck. Always remember that there are people here you can lean on for advice or support. You’re not alone.

[Mar252]

Joe,

Thank you. Believe me I am returning home with "my eyes wide open". I've accepted the fact that my marriage is over. I am still dealing with all of the emotional pain as we have only been separated 3.5 months. I intend to get out of there as quickly as possible. I don't believe my W will "terrorize" me in any way. If anything, she will ignore and stay away from me as much as possible. That is going to be tough for me as my natural inclination will be to pursue. I will be DB'ing like heck.

[Joe2017]

Joe,

Thank you. Believe me I am returning home with "my eyes wide open". I've accepted the fact that my marriage is over. I am still dealing with all of the emotional pain as we have only been separated 3.5 months. I intend to get out of there as quickly as possible. I don't believe my W will "terrorize" me in any way. If anything, she will ignore and stay away from me as much as possible. That is going to be tough for me as my natural inclination will be to pursue. I will be DB'ing like heck.

Good plan. I would personally only spend as much time there as necessary. In, out, business only. Good luck!