I reposting what I last wrote so its easier to find:
Soooooo.... its been a painful return to life as usual.
I got a very honest text from pilot.
Sure I formulated a response but I did not wan to "defend" or be "defensive" which is hard for me in a way. Sure I'd like to explain my side but when is that defending and and not explaining. I spent 2 sleepless days trying to figure out how to validate and NOT defend. I probably should have come here but frankly I was afraid of being blasted made to feel bad for wanting to follow up period.
I ended up probably sounding really lame with just validating all his points - BUT, I did not elaborate on my D or the statement that my husband footed my vacation. Uhhh... my vacation was funded by joint assests which I paid into. In division of assets my STBXH has to pay this off but he is then giving me this asset. He doesn't want it and really wants me to me using it. THAT is NOT my STBXH footing my vaca... WTH??? BUT, I said nothing.
IDK - should I have?
Its just I've gotten to the point where I've forgiven myself an in turn I've forgiven my STBXH. That's the ONLY way I could file for D and I just forked out another expensive retainer for an accountant for one of the assets which we neither of us know how to place a value.
In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
I've let it go - I forgive it all.
STBXH texted yesterday stating he got a cancellation for a court date he didn't knew he had... I was like I'm not aware of any court date. It was supposed to just be filing the petition of dissolution so maybe it was an error. He confirmed he got the petition. Told him I just sent the check for the accountant that day - he stated ok. That my atty was not doing anything until we had that information. Went on to say that I would not be doing any sneaky court dates and planned to keep him in the loop with everything... he stated sounds good. He then went on to update on the dogs tail. that was probably a 10min discussion back and forth. Ultimately the tail needs to be removed... but we both hate giving up on it.
I'm going through with my D. I can let go of what happened in my M and not hate my STBXH. The texts yesterday did not bother me... I'm over it.
Being ISFT-T... I took on the blame for everything but I never made him choose to get into it on an interstate with heavy traffic with some other dude in a car. Going 80-90mph... sliding between cars when there was no true space... 80mph on the right shoulder of the interstate to pass illegally. This went on for an hour. I sat there in the passengers seat with tears running down my face knowing if I said anything it would escalate the situation.
IDK... maybe I should have come here for help with my reply... maybe if he knew what really happened in my M he would know when I filed... I was done.
If you want our thoughts on the text and reply you'd need to post them, or something similar. If you spent two days, I'm sure it was a good expression of your feelings. Validating is about acknowledging his feelings--I wonder how many feelies pilot expressed that you got so many chances to validate? ((Hugs))
In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
KK I am really sorry this happened to you. No one deserves this type of treatment.
I reposting what I last wrote so its easier to find:
Soooooo.... its been a painful return to life as usual.
I got a very honest text from pilot.
Sure I formulated a response but I did not wan to "defend" or be "defensive" which is hard for me in a way. Sure I'd like to explain my side but when is that defending and and not explaining. I spent 2 sleepless days trying to figure out how to validate and NOT defend. I probably should have come here but frankly I was afraid of being blasted made to feel bad for wanting to follow up period.
I ended up probably sounding really lame with just validating all his points - BUT, I did not elaborate on my D or the statement that my husband footed my vacation. Uhhh... my vacation was funded by joint assests which I paid into. In division of assets my STBXH has to pay this off but he is then giving me this asset. He doesn't want it and really wants me to me using it. THAT is NOT my STBXH footing my vaca... WTH??? BUT, I said nothing.
IDK - should I have?
Its just I've gotten to the point where I've forgiven myself an in turn I've forgiven my STBXH. That's the ONLY way I could file for D and I just forked out another expensive retainer for an accountant for one of the assets which we neither of us know how to place a value.
In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
I've let it go - I forgive it all.
STBXH texted yesterday stating he got a cancellation for a court date he didn't knew he had... I was like I'm not aware of any court date. It was supposed to just be filing the petition of dissolution so maybe it was an error. He confirmed he got the petition. Told him I just sent the check for the accountant that day - he stated ok. That my atty was not doing anything until we had that information. Went on to say that I would not be doing any sneaky court dates and planned to keep him in the loop with everything... he stated sounds good. He then went on to update on the dogs tail. that was probably a 10min discussion back and forth. Ultimately the tail needs to be removed... but we both hate giving up on it.
I'm going through with my D. I can let go of what happened in my M and not hate my STBXH. The texts yesterday did not bother me... I'm over it.
Being ISFT-T... I took on the blame for everything but I never made him choose to get into it on an interstate with heavy traffic with some other dude in a car. Going 80-90mph... sliding between cars when there was no true space... 80mph on the right shoulder of the interstate to pass illegally. This went on for an hour. I sat there in the passengers seat with tears running down my face knowing if I said anything it would escalate the situation.
IDK... maybe I should have come here for help with my reply... maybe if he knew what really happened in my M he would know when I filed... I was done.
First, I don't care that you responded to the pilot. You've gone your own way in starting to date before you have emotionally moved on from your H. And in fact I think this post is proof of that.
I find that after you've been here for 3 years, back for your current sitch for over a year, and that you are just now characterizing your R with your STBXH as "abusive" is troubling. If you had disclosed this right away the advice you would have received would have been VERY VERY different. But I believe that you withheld it because you didn't want the advice you would have got, and that would have been to get out and to never go back! For anyone physical abuse is and should be a dealbreaker.
KC, I have told you I have seen signs of you being avoidant of reality in the past. I told you you reminded me of some family members I have that were children of an alcoholic and abusive parent. That they avoid things in reality that they do not like, or that does not suit them at the moment. I believe this post displays those behaviors:
1st, you avoided coming to the board before responding to pilot because you didn't want to get "blasted or made to feel bad for wanting to follow up". The fact that you avoid coming here for advice because it might not agree with your predetermined decision is interesting. Like I said, I don't care one iota that you responded to the pilot. But I do find it interesting that hearing strangers on the internet disagree with your decision to do so would be being "blasted" in your mind. Or that it would make you feel bad. Wow.
2nd, you avoided telling us about the abuse in your MR, I presume, because of the advice you would have received. And since that didn't fit with what you wanted (and that was to stay with an abuser!) you would have felt blasted and made to feel bad for wanting to stay with the abuser. KC, you don't see an issue with that? Do you think that is healthy?
3rd, you finally come clean about the abuse from your STBXH only after putting the cart in front of the horse and falling for the pilot. This post shows me that you used the pilot to get over the abuser, then you sprung the fact that your STBXH was abusive to prove to him that you are really done......and to justify filing for D. The problem is no one is buying it. You filed for D so that you could tell the pilot you had and hopefully that would make him open up to the possibility of a serious R with you. See the point above about how avoiders avoid reality UNTIL it suits there purpose. I have seen that same behavior over and over again in said relatives.
KC, I hope you don't see this as a blasting. Or as making you feel bad. That is not what I am trying to do. I wouldn't take the time to write out a lengthy response to all this if I just wanted to hurt you. I could accomplish that with one or two lines! You seem like a very loving, caring person. But I feel that you need some serious therapy so that you can be the best you that you can be, and so that you can live the best life that you can live!
We are about the same age if I remember right. My sitch with my W started just over 3 years ago. 3 years ago I made the decision, despite being vehemently opposed to it, to start IC. You know what my only regret is? That I didn't do it 20 years earlier! My outlook on life, my happiness, the way I treat others and allow myself to be treated by others are all in such a much better place today than 3 years ago! And I wasted most of my adult life being the inferior version of me.....over 2 decades......that I can never ever get back.
Anyway, I really do think you are a wonderful person. I hate to see you struggle so much and ping-pong back and forth the way that you do. As others have told you, broken attracts broken. Until you get unbroken, well, you are doomed to repeat your past....over and over and over again.
I'll continue to pray for you KC!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Some days were absolutely amazing... a lot days actually. My STBXH doted on me. He would cook, clean and gave the most amazing pedicures and foot massages.
But, there was a dark side to be dealt with.... There was always an excuse... stress of his XW, the situation with his kids, his job, lack of sleep...
He could be angry and cruel. I've sat in many a restaurant silently with tears running down my face not saying a word due to the way he treated me... and 20min later I was just supposed to be over it and never bring it up again. (its clear why I don't talk much during a meal now???)
He would be angry and yelling and threatening to hurt me all while my son could hear him in another room. My son would call my mother... who would then call the police and come over to pick up my son.
Never an apology. Just things would get better for awhile.
The day he had both hands around my neck I just accepted it - didn't fight back. I blacked that day from my memory - it didn't happen.
My STBXH did start to get involved in a veterans retreat with bff and somehow he shared that even with the bff because he realizes he has a problem... when the bff came to talk to me about it I had no memory of the event. I couldn't figure out what he was talking about... that ended up being a whole other issue.
My family and a couple of friends know of SOME things. NO ONE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
I have forgiven myself for sweeping things under the rug.
Right after my STBXH moved out of the house last spring. I took down the curtains - I have NO bedroom curtains. I love the natural light but its because I'm no longer living in the dark.
I have forgiven my STBXH. It was the only way I could file for D.
Sure I formulated a response but I did not wan to "defend" or be "defensive" which is hard for me in a way. Sure I'd like to explain my side but when is that defending and and not explaining. I spent 2 sleepless days trying to figure out how to validate and NOT defend. I probably should have come here but frankly I was afraid of being blasted made to feel bad for wanting to follow up period.
I ended up probably sounding really lame with just validating all his points - BUT, I did not elaborate on my D or the statement that my husband footed my vacation. Uhhh... my vacation was funded by joint assests which I paid into. In division of assets my STBXH has to pay this off but he is then giving me this asset. He doesn't want it and really wants me to me using it. THAT is NOT my STBXH footing my vaca... WTH??? BUT, I said nothing.
IDK - should I have?
It's really hard to interpret what you're talking about here, it sounds like this text from pilot had some accusations in it? But this is supposed to be a casual FWB relationship, so I don't know why you're laying awake at night trying to figure out how to respond to his accusations, whatever they were. Without knowing the details I'm just guessing, but it sounds to me like he's sort of doing the WAS thing and pushing you away and making excuses that he's doing it because of your actions. Like "how can we be serious when your ex is paying for your vacations" sort of thing. And if so, you don't need to listen, or validate, or explain or anything. You just need to cut him off. Because he's not asking for explanations, he's just telling you why he's done. Just like a WAS.
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In so doing this letting go I can look back and see the abuse I suffered from STBXH. The constant screaming in my face, being yanked out of bed, grabbed by the back of the neck, the threats of harm, being told to STFU for the last 5yrs, endless episodes of road rage, my son's forever on medication and my step daughter cuts herself. Yes, police were called to my home more than once.
I've let it go - I forgive it all.
You forgave it? Or you swept it all under the rug and pretended it never happened and didn't exist? Because forgiveness absolutely does not mean letting him off the hook and it does not mean forgetting it happened.
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I never made him choose to get into it on an interstate with heavy traffic with some other dude in a car. Going 80-90mph... sliding between cars when there was no true space... 80mph on the right shoulder of the interstate to pass illegally. This went on for an hour. I sat there in the passengers seat with tears running down my face knowing if I said anything it would escalate the situation.
This seems pretty common with victims of abuse. They take the abuse because they are afraid if they don't then it will escalate. It's also common for victims to blame themselves, do you? Because what you are describing above is full blown abuse, and no one "deserves" to be a victim of that. There is nothing you ever could have done to "explain" being treated that way, and if you think you did deserve it on any level then you're still a victim of his abuse.
