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Originally Posted by 1stLove
One question I have is that thing about going dark: I was not fully emotional available to her in the last weeks, so I am wondering if showing affection is not actually better?

uuummm actually you are too emotionally available. So 1st she told you she feels like you are her brother. Would you want your sister being affectionate with you!

Originally Posted by 1stLove
She originally wanted to meet during the first weeks of S, but I said it is better to take a break due to the emotions involved after her moving out. She didn't like that at all, but accepted it.

Stop talking about your feeling and emotions. Say some thing like "I am too busy" or " I have plans"
I understand the idea of NC and working on oneself rather than focusing on the other person, just wondering how the 180 view is on such a situation?[/quote]
What?

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Originally Posted by 1stLove
Yeah, I understand that and agree with you.

I guess I just don't want to seem that I don't care about her and that I am done with us and not interested anymore - I have been quite distant, one of the reasons for our loss of intimacy I believe. Because yes she moved out 2 times before, but she also came back 2 times and everytime we improved our R.

But I guess you are right - she always came back, but now she said that it was always me that convinced her to come back in one way or the other. So this is the ultimate test then - will she want our R by herself and if not she is not worth considering anyhow. Maybe her single life is better than our R.


She has come back before because you wanted her to. She has to come back because SHE wants to. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she moves out again.

Last edited by Steve85; 01/06/21 03:52 PM.

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Originally Posted by Steve85


She has come back before because you wanted her to. She has to come back because SHE wants to. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she moves out again.


Yeah, I just thought I could show that it is worth coming back. But yes, you are right. Let's see how the next weeks go, she will probably come here a few times to pick up stuff and I'll try to be busy doing other things (not easy in COVID times though).

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Originally Posted by 1stLove
Originally Posted by Steve85


She has come back before because you wanted her to. She has to come back because SHE wants to. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she moves out again.


Yeah, I just thought I could show that it is worth coming back. But yes, you are right. Let's see how the next weeks go, she will probably come here a few times to pick up stuff and I'll try to be busy doing other things (not easy in COVID times though).


I would suggest you ask her to come one time to get all of her stuff. No need to do it over a few times and weeks. In fact, you could even pack everything for her, and have it ready for her to pick up.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by 1stLove
Originally Posted by Steve85


She has come back before because you wanted her to. She has to come back because SHE wants to. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she moves out again.


Yeah, I just thought I could show that it is worth coming back. But yes, you are right. Let's see how the next weeks go, she will probably come here a few times to pick up stuff and I'll try to be busy doing other things (not easy in COVID times though).


I would suggest you ask her to come one time to get all of her stuff. No need to do it over a few times and weeks. In fact, you could even pack everything for her, and have it ready for her to pick up.


Yeah, I'll try that. But we are completely silent now and I don't want to be the one breaking the silence. Also it doesn't seem like she came home yesterday to pick up some of her stuff but she said that the time slot I said doesn't fit her that well.

I just still feel that this NC is pulling us apart and that it will be quite weird next time we meet in person - if that is in a month.

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Scarcity creates value

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Originally Posted by 1stLove
Originally Posted by Steve85


She has come back before because you wanted her to. She has to come back because SHE wants to. Otherwise, it will only be a matter of time before she moves out again.


Yeah, I just thought I could show that it is worth coming back. But yes, you are right. Let's see how the next weeks go, she will probably come here a few times to pick up stuff and I'll try to be busy doing other things (not easy in COVID times though).

Not by peacocking, but by living and being happy and interacting with women and going on adventures.

When she comes, you 100% are doing something fun, not "trying to be busy". One of those things is sad and unattractive while the other is uplifting and interesting.

Who knows, if you actually do this you may just find the person you're supposed to be with.


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So just had a call with her and am curious what you think about how I did.

She called first, I did not pick up. Called her back 10min later.

We exchanged some niceties, talked about what we did and that it's nice there is snow outside now.
Then she mentioned she wanted to talk about an apartment she found to move into (we agreed before that we try to have some distance but that the apartment is an important practicality we need to solve this month and that we both will look what we can find).

The apartment is in the same block of apartments as our current one (I think with a separate entrance).
She complained that it is not as nice as ours with an old floor and feels like 20 years older.

I told her that I found so far one other one, but it is very small (bed room and living room are the same room). And as it works in Sweden, taking an apartment means you loose your queuing time for apartments (I currently have over 3000 days) / the more days the better apartments you can find first-hand). Therefore it is not really an option for me.

She sounded a bit annoyed (I NEVER heard her voice tone like this - not super bad but definitely complaining as if she is unhappy in her situation). She asked if it is fine for me if she lived so close and I said that it's fine. It's not like I hate her and don't mind bumping into her. It's good to know she has a save place and is also close to friends (many of them live in the same neighbourhood here).

We talked a bit more about apartments and if she should take it. I said that this is her decision to make and I cannot make the decision for her. She talked about us taking a decision. On which I said again in very calm and kind voice that this is not our decision but hers. And she said in a sad undertone that yes, it is her decision.

Then we just told each other that we hope the other is fine and not too lonely. And she said that it's great that she can call me and we could talk about this and make a decision. And I again said that it is not problem and good to hear her voice, but that this is not our decision.

I might have emphasized that a bit too much, but I think it is important for her to not put that decision as ours - it is her that wanted this and that moved out. I believe that maybe she has second thoughts and feels pushed away (as I was quite distant the months before as well). But I tried to be compassionate while being firm - don't want her to believe I resent or reject her. Maybe that was unnecessary, but it seemed she was annoyed at me so thought to air that a little bit.

So, any thoughts?

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A mistake I made I think was that I called her sweetie once or twice - habits but I made sure to not say it again eek
I felt she was hoping I would tell her that she could maybe stay in the guest room instead and we share our apartment, and I wanted to say that but kept it to myself in the end. Feell both good and bad about that choice frown

Last edited by 1stLove; 01/08/21 12:43 PM.
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If your goal is to be best buddies, then you did fine. If your goal is to win her back, then you were better off not even calling her back.

I thought you were going to do NC? The rules of no contact are pretty simple. IF she calls you do not answer. You are busy, remember? If it is important she will leave a message. Or followup with a text. If she does either, the rules for responding is to ONLY respond to direct questions via text. But then in your own time (not right away) and in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

Walkaways often want to keep their ex around as BFFs. I am assuming you want to avoid the friend-zone.


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