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Hi Mar, so good to hear an update from you! It sounds like the time away has been really supportive for you and I am happy you made the choice to leave for this time period.

Originally Posted by Mar252
She reiterated that our marriage is over, she cannot give me what I want and just wants to concentrate on working on herself but she also said she wasn't ready to make a final decision about divorce. Said she wasn't giving herself a timeline and was just taking it one day at a time. Told me it was completely up to me to decide how I wanted to move forward with my own life. She also expressed concern about the in-house separation. I validated as best I could. Told her that I will respect her feelings and decision despite the fact that it is not what I want. Agreed that I would permanently move into the spare bedroom until I was ready to move out.


You did great on waiting so long to have an R talk with your W. Based upon what you have written above, your W has given you some really clear information. W expressed she is worried about an IHS and you are too. It doesn't sound like a situation that will set either of you up for success. It will take a while to integrate and process this conversation, but as you have a month until you return, may I make some suggestions to help you when you do return home?

Get as many ducks lined up as you can right now.
Find a rental now (perhaps a room in a house with another person so you have a soft landing?).
Start looking for a job now.
Make sure you have IC set up for when you get back, maybe even 2 x a week to start off with. I know you had a terrible experience with your previous MC, and lots of therapists are doing zoom calls, so you might even be able to establish care and/or interview people from your home country.
Get those GAL opportunities on the calendar now. Find a yoga studio that's open, a meditation class online or a LGBTQ divorce support group that is 'meeting' virtually for now. Doesn't even have to be in your town!
Make plans to visit friends (you have one out of state that you visited earlier in your sitch, right?)
Find volunteer opportunities that you can participate in during COVID (whether virtually or safely in person)

Basically, you don't want to land and have every spare minute of your time available to focus on your W. The busier you can be, the better, from day one.

Keep posting, we are here for you!

xx
Sage

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Originally Posted by Sage4
You did great on waiting so long to have an R talk with your W. Based upon what you have written above, your W has given you some really clear information. W expressed she is worried about an IHS and you are too. It doesn't sound like a situation that will set either of you up for success. It will take a while to integrate and process this conversation, but as you have a month until you return, may I make some suggestions to help you when you do return home?

Get as many ducks lined up as you can right now.
Find a rental now (perhaps a room in a house with another person so you have a soft landing?).
Start looking for a job now.
Make sure you have IC set up for when you get back, maybe even 2 x a week to start off with. I know you had a terrible experience with your previous MC, and lots of therapists are doing zoom calls, so you might even be able to establish care and/or interview people from your home country.
Get those GAL opportunities on the calendar now. Find a yoga studio that's open, a meditation class online or a LGBTQ divorce support group that is 'meeting' virtually for now. Doesn't even have to be in your town!
Make plans to visit friends (you have one out of state that you visited earlier in your sitch, right?)
Find volunteer opportunities that you can participate in during COVID (whether virtually or safely in person)

Basically, you don't want to land and have every spare minute of your time available to focus on your W. The busier you can be, the better, from day one.

Keep posting, we are here for you!

xx
Sage




Sage,

Thank you so much for your response. I have given myself another month precisely because I do need to take the time to process our conversation. It hurt like hell to hear her say again that she no longer wants to be married. All of your suggestions are terrific. I have been contemplating all of this and just trying to figure out what I want. I am still debating the following:

1) Biggest and toughest decision: where do I want to live? Remain in my home state where I was born and raised or move to my native country where my parents, sister and brother are currently living. I have vacationed here my entire life but have never lived here and it would be a drastic life style change. If I chose to move here than my career options will be seriously limited.
2) Figure out a way to earn enough money to either stay in the states or move here.

Regardless of the decisions that I make my entire life will be drastically altered.

Right now I am concentrating on detachment. I have read the detachment thread (https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414) over and over the past couple of days. I need to figure out a way to let her go and stop fantasizing that she will wake up one day and realize that she is making a big mistake. I know it is never going to happen.


Last edited by Mar252; 01/03/21 02:14 AM.
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Just booked my plane ticket home for the 22nd of this month. It will officially mark 4 months of separation. I was hopeful that the physical separation, especially during the holidays, would ignite something but it seemed to have the opposite effect. My W seems more certain than ever that our marriage is over and that she definitely is not in love with me. I feel totally defeated. All of the actions that I have taken have all seemed to be missteps.

I personally think my absence just gave her the freedom to move closer to the OW. I need to figure out how to live in the same house as her and do nothing but concentrate on myself. I need advice and encouragement.

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CWarrior,

"you say months apart was great, and you and your ex are worried about IHS--so, why are you going there?"

I don't have much of a choice but to go back home to figure out my next steps. Financially, I cannot afford to live anywhere else at the moment. Lost my job because of Covid. My unemployment benefits end in April. So, I need to go home to find a new job and figure out where I will be living. Been staying at my families home, out of the country, over the past 2 months.

I will need to let her know that I purchased my plane ticket and will be returning on the 22nd. She will probably offer to pick me up at the airport. Should I accept her offer or not?

Last edited by Mar252; 01/06/21 05:51 PM.
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Hi Mar,

One skill I learned is to worry more about what happens in a relationship rather than about what may happen. E.g., if you text "I'm flying home on Jan-22", worry about how to respond to her offer, if she actually makes that offer. Some people worry about whole trees of conversations that never materialize.

To the question, I'd plan to go home solo, unless someone was really excited to pick me up.

I'm sorry she chose to use the space to get closer to OW. ((Hugs))

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Hi Mar,

Sending hugs your way.

I echo Sage in being really, really glad that the time with your family has been helpful, and taking the time you can now before you fly back to set yourself up for success the best you can.

Originally Posted by Mar252
I was hopeful that the physical separation, especially during the holidays, would ignite something but it seemed to have the opposite effect.

Originally Posted by Mar252
All of the actions that I have taken have all seemed to be missteps.

Here's the thing... first up, I think you need to FORGIVE YOURSELF. There is nothing you can do that will change her mind. It is not on you. There is no magic combination of steps you could have taken that would make her let go of AP and come back to you. Don't beat yourself up or worry that the space you gave her made her closer to OW than if you'd stayed. Her behavior and choices are wholly outside of your control. This was my hardest lesson but the one that has been the most helpful (though for me it is still a mindful practice, not something that comes naturally).

My guess is that IHS is going to be really difficult. I was re-reading your last thread before you left to see your family, and you said you'd decided you couldn't handle an IHS and so were leaving. I guess I'm wondering what will make things bearable now? Can you really explore other options? Are you 100% sure in your heart you aren't coming back to see if you can win her back, but because it is 100% the best thing for you right now?

I think boundaries are going to be critically important for you. Can you think back to how you felt in the fall before you left? Re-read here or your journals and really put yourself back in those shoes? When did you feel emotionally unsafe? what were your triggers? What things did you do that helped, and what things did not help? If I were you-- even though this will probably be uncomfortable-- I'd spend some time really thinking about the lines you need to draw around yourself to protect yourself when you go back into the situation and having your W right there in the same house but saying those same things.

This is so hard, Mar. Your life is changing, and part of that isn't in your control-- the part to do with being married. The rest of it, though is! You have the entire rest of your life in front of you. You get to decide where you want to live, what kind of job you want to do, what kind of people you want to spend time around. Is there any part of you that looks at this and is even a little bit excited? Thinking about how you'll feel when you are no longer tethered emotionally to your W?

You might read DnJ's thread over on MLC (and/or maybe it was on Sage's thread?) where he wrote this long piece about detaching, that right now you're being pulled around like a trailer behind a wildly veering truck, and you need to DETACH and remove your coupling mechanism. And once you heal, start driving yourself. (I'm butchering this, but if you can find it, I thought it was incredibly helpful imagery, at least for me.)

Hang in there! You can do this.

xx May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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{{{{May}}},

Thank you so much this is exactly the type of advice I need. I 100% need to figure out how to detach and maintain adequate boundaries.. I had a conversation with my sister last night precisely about this. I do not want to let go of her. It angers me that I feel this way despite the fact that she has obviously let me go but I can't help feeling the need to continue taking care of her and loving her. I sincerely think is is making a life altering mistake with no support system. She doesn't have anyone besides me to catch her when she falls. I at least have my sister, BF and brother.

I really have no other option but to go home. I need to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life. Need to earn an adequate income again and then decide where I want to live.

[I'd spend some time really thinking about the lines you need to draw around yourself to protect yourself when you go back into the situation and having your W right there in the same house but saying those same things.] - This is all I've been doing for the past two months. I know I need to protect myself emotionally when I return. Do not want to be in the same negative place I was in before I left.

This is going to be incredibly difficult. Just this evening she was supposed to call me after work because she wanted to discuss specifics about me coming home. I let her know yesterday that I bought my plane ticket. She was unable to talk last night so she texted that she would call me tonight. Well, I never got that call. Of course, I was upset. Instead of just letting it go, I looked at her call logs. She spent 1.5 hours on the phone with the OW, after she got home, instead of calling me. I know I should have never done this. No need for a 2x4. I gave myself one.

I wish I had someone like you to talk to when I'm about to make stupid choices like this. I seriously need to just DETACH, DETACH,DETACH.

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May,

I found DNJ's analogy about detachment. I especially liked this explanation - "The emotional coupling equipment to our spouse is destroyed". I definitely need to destroy the coupling equipment.

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(((Mar)))

Yes! Destroy that coupling equipment and sand it down, polish it smooth so when she throws that hook your way, there is nothing to catch on.

Here's another weird thing that helped me-- there are a couple of videos about stoicism on YouTube that somehow spoke to me and really helped me to detach and let go of that which is outside of my control. The guy's name is Ryan Holiday and the video is called you control how you play. Maybe watch that.

Another thing that helped me see my H more clearly and let go of my preconceived image of H was the chump lady's website. Really helped me fuel up for why I didn't want to be with him anymore. Maybe check that out too.

xx M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Joined: Sep 2020
Posts: 81
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May,

Thank you for the recommendations. Spent a couple of hours this afternoon on the Chump Lady's blog. It actually helped quite a bit. Serious reality check! Will look for the videos this weekend.

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