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A Message from Michele
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Re: Both had an affair... [Re: CWarrior] #2911541
12/30/20 12:43 AM
12/30/20 12:43 AM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Hi CWarrior and Steve85

Yup, I understand and it makes sense. I guess I could not enforce it so no point and it would be worthless.

Decided not to mention the phone, calling her out on these types of actions in the past month has not achieved anything, so I am just gonna let it go.

When I first suspected the affair and confronted her she switched off her phone GPS , changed her WhatsApp so I could not see when she was online (this was how they communicated) and her phone password. I then found out the full extent of the affair, asked her to change them back and she never did, so she ain't gonna care if I confront her about it.

We do not really communicate throughout the day and she just seems in a constant mood.

No pressure or pursuit.

I do have DB and am currently reading it.

Thanks guys.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911760
01/03/21 10:55 PM
01/03/21 10:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Hi All,

Just an update, things have been so so, New Year passed by OK without any major dramas, I am still detaching as best I can whilst living together and in lockdown. She moved back into the bedroom on new years day, I let it go to see what happened the next day, she stayed in the marriage bed. I asked her about this and she said she was fed up of putting the sofa bed up and down , plus her hip is hurting. I said "OK, but you could of spoken to me about it instead of just doing it", she was like "Why", I said "because of what you did", she responded with "i'll sleep on the sofabed tonight".

This was exactly how I knew it would go, she always acts like a stroppy teenager in situations.

We then spoke about our situation, (Not good detaching), but it just happened, mentioned the phone password, she said I changed a password (Quidco site) so she did. Seems a feeble reason, she said she does not want me going on her phone. Says she is not contacting the OM, but also said I don't want to be with you so why can't I contact other people. I dont know whether to believe her about the OM, but TBH I don't really care at this stage.

In a small moment of adult conversation, she did say that she does not know what she wants, to be with me or not, I think she is torn, but in general it's I don't want to be with you, but don't want to leave the kids. She cannot afford to leave.

I said my preffered option is to work on the marriage, but I don't mind if she wants to divorce. We went back and forth. Spoke about how I felt about her affair, she does not care that she hurt me.

There is loads of anger and resentment in her voice and she is firmly stuck at 10 years ago. Likes to make huerful comments to me.

Sometimes I wonder why I want to be with her, but I know this is not the real wife I married, she has changed as is often described here... I do think she needs professional help to help her sort her head out though, but she will not so this.

Anyway, I know this post has been about her and I guess I have backslid a little int he past few days, think it was the returning to the ned that stirred things up.

Anyhow, it is back to detaching and GAL like a demon from tomorrow, I have pretty much placed my cards on the table, nothing else for me to say or do now but detach!!!

On a final note I would like to say thank you to everyone who has responded so far, your words and time mean a lot, I know I am not without fault in this situation, but you guys are helping me immensly, I would also like to thank Sandi, although she has not responded, having read here posts here it is almost as if she is here watching my situation unfolding and describing my wife step by step, it is crazy how you can describe someone perfectly without knowing or seeing them. Incredible insight into the psych of a WW.

Thank you all.

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911762
01/03/21 11:55 PM
01/03/21 11:55 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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G,

Yeah lots of setbacks. We told you not to mention the phone unless you were prepared to do something about it. She has zero respect for you right now. If you want to reconcile that will need to change.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: LH19] #2911763
01/04/21 12:06 AM
01/04/21 12:06 AM
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Thanks LH19.

I had no plans to mention the phone, but it just kind of happened.

I have been calling her out when she has shown disrespect, mainly in the way she talks to me, turning the music off I was listening to when she walks in the room.

I have spent the last 10 years fearing losing her, but that is not the case now and I am no longer the doormat that I was.

I guess the respect thing takes some time and for me to not allow her behaviour. Is this correct?

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911764
01/04/21 12:09 AM
01/04/21 12:09 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
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SteveLW Offline
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Gotham, rule number one is to not start R talks, and rule #2 is that if she does you listen and validate her feelings. Unless she starts to be disrespectful, which WWs often are, don't validate that and end the discussion.

You broke both DB rules. Starting R talks and doing more than listening and validating when she does.

Words, both yours and hers, are meanngless. Actions note words.


M(51), W(52),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911766
01/04/21 12:20 AM
01/04/21 12:20 AM
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Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Steve85 - Your 100% right, I screwed up. I'll learn from it, and move on - Tomorrow is another day.

Thanks

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911771
01/04/21 01:21 AM
01/04/21 01:21 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 6,323
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LH19 Online
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Yes it will take a long time to get the respect back.

Sounds like you may have time on your side.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2911773
01/04/21 01:45 AM
01/04/21 01:45 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 2,494
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CWarrior Offline
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Originally Posted by Gotham
I have been calling her out when she has shown disrespect, mainly in the way she talks to me, turning the music off I was listening to when she walks in the room...

I am no longer the doormat that I was.

I guess the respect thing takes some time and for me to not allow her behaviour. Is this correct?

Hi Gotham,

I wouldn't expect "calling her out" (complaining, words) to increase her respect, but if you are successfully enforcing boundaries (e.g., Steve mentions ending the discussion if they're disrespectful, actions) that should help! The goal isn't to become a squeaky doormat, the goal is to become not a doormat at all. Keep a tight focus on your sphere of control (your actions) and hers (her actions). It's tough at first. Good luck!


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

Re: Both had an affair... [Re: Gotham] #2912049
01/07/21 09:10 PM
01/07/21 09:10 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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There have been a few board members where both spouses had affairs. My guess is there was a difference in how your W responded to your A and how you responded to hers. I'm not suggesting one spouse was hurt more than the other, but I mean how the relationship found its groove ( I think is how you described the MR). Bottom line is she pushed her pain and resentment down in her heart, and refused to forgive. She carried it around for ten yrs, letting it fester and breed with disrespect for you, and it produced rebellion in her.

You did everything you knew to do, hoping she would forgive.......but to no avail. My guess is her affair was an act of revenge. She's keeping secret contact with OM, and lying to your face. You are trying to hold her accountable, and her entire response is opposite from how you acted when she discovered your A.......right? Has she accused you of hypocrisy yet?

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Since I found out, she has treated me badly and has shown no remorse since my full discovery, the 48 hours after BD were full of apologies, but I believe this was just the guilt, her actions since then have shown no sorrow or remorse. She has not taken responsibility for her affair, just says that if I had not done it, then she would not have done it. She essentially blames me for everything that’s wrong in the marriage.


Well, there you have it. She wanted to pay you back, while she got off clear of any responsibility for her own A. Neither of you are responsible for the other spouse's affair. The fact you had an A first, does not excuse her from the same act.

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She still wants to separate, but I have told her that as she has just had the affair, does not want to work on the marriage and wants to separate, so she can leave the home. She is now torn on what to do.


Good!

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My wife is very stubborn and obstinate, she is not currently not talking to me, so we are not communicating at all. She does not talk about her feelings, in the past when I have noticed she was down, all she says is she is fed up, but with no detail, and never opens up. Refuses to go to MC.


In other words, she plans to continue punishing you. She refuses to forgive, and she doesn't want help for the MR. She wants to feed off her anger. Funny, how a lot of women just assume they get to stay in the home with all the benefits. It sounds as if she lives by double standards. So, what are your plans, if she won't stop contacting OM and she won't leave?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Both had an affair... [Re: sandi2] #2912053
01/07/21 11:07 PM
01/07/21 11:07 PM
Joined: Dec 2020
Posts: 47
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Gotham Offline OP
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Gotham  Offline OP
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Hi Sandi2,

Thank you for responding, your posts here on all the threads have really helped me the past few months in understanding my wife, what she is going through and what is going through her mind, you have really kept me on an even keel, as well as all the others. Thank you, you all have no idea.

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Bottom line is she pushed her pain and resentment down in her heart, and refused to forgive. She carried it around for ten yrs, letting it fester and breed with disrespect for you, and it produced rebellion in her


You are correct, she pushed it all down and let it fester for 10 years and then when she had the opportunity for an affair she took it, and I believe revenge was a motivation, "Lets give him a taste of his own medicine", "He did it so I am going to do it", she has not said this to me, but I am sure it was running through her mind.

Quote
She's keeping secret contact with OM, and lying to your face. You are trying to hold her accountable, and her entire response is opposite from how you acted when she discovered your A.......right? Has she accused you of hypocrisy yet?


Her response to her affair is the total opposite of mine, where I was full of sorrow and remorse for what I had done and owned it 100%. She has just been cruel and nasty with it and could not care one bit with the pain she has caused, maybe she does inside as she is not comfortable with showing her emotions, but her actions certainly show she does not care.

She has not accused me directly of being a hypocrite, but it is there in her comments, like when I have spoken about her affair, she would say "Just like you did"... it is all there.

I want to believe her about not being in contact with the OM, but the patterns and signs are that she is and she gives no proper reassurance to me that she is not in contact. I would guess that her relationship with him would be the one good thing in her life over the past 11 months and she would turn to that when she is feeling low as she is now, although she says it was all a bit of fun and not a proper relationship.

I don't really know what to do here, GAL says to ignore her contact with the other man as you can't change that and to focus on you, which is what I am doing at the moment. Any thoughts?

Quote
In other words, she plans to continue punishing you. She refuses to forgive, and she doesn't want help for the MR. She wants to feed off her anger. Funny, how a lot of women just assume they get to stay in the home with all the benefits. It sounds as if she lives by double standards. So, what are your plans, if she won't stop contacting OM and she won't leave?


I would agree, she is feeding off her anger and it justifies how she feels about the marriage and gives her a pass for her affair. She is not making any effort to talk to me, but she is also not engaging with the kids, it is like she is detaching from the 4 of us, which is a real shame as the kids need their mother. Maybe she is setting herself up mentally to leave, I dont know... she also cannot afford it.

She is very mixed up, torn and does not know what to do and is generally alone in the house watching netflix.

Not sure what to do at the moment apart from the GAL thing, which is tough in a full lockdown, I have toyed with the idea of reducing my full financial support, I account for 75% of our total income, so I would pay 50% of the mortgage and bills and that would be all. She would have to make do with her salary as her income. She cannot afford to leave and contribute to the kids, other posters advised not to do this, so I have not done so at the moment, but it is floating in my head as a possible next step . If she does not want to be with me, then she can't have the things I bring to the marriage.

I do not know 100% if she is contacting the OM and I not sure I could force her to move out as she is on the mortgage, but I think if I did find out conclusivly that she was, I think I would file for divorce the next day, sell the house and go our seperate ways, and have joint custody of the kids, totally not what I want to do, but I will not tolerate her treating me the way she currently does.

I am not afraid of divorce and she know this.

TBH, the more this goes on and she continues this behaviour towards me, the less I want to be with this version of my wife, the old one yes, but not this one, if she ever did want to reconcile I would need to know that this version is dead and buried.

Not sure what the next step is, apart from GAL and seeing what happens, but I think I may need to force the issue at some point.

One again thanks for your reply and would love to know any advice you think you could offer.

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