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Be a grey rock around her.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I could have been stronger and said nothing but she needed a hug she needed support could see it all over her. And I turned the F around and left her hanging for once in my life. Felt really really really good.


If I'm reading your statement correctly, then you get a star for turning around and walking away from her dramatics. Yes, I could point out some things you shouldn't have said, but if you could find the strength to leave her hanging........then that's great progress in your personal growth.

In the past, you would have seen all of this as an answer to prayer, and you would have totally played into her hands. She was banking on you leaping for joy when she told you she kicked OM and his family out of her house, and had the audacity to say she wanted you to move in with her. Fair warning, Steve, she's not going to give up so easily.......but you are thinking about what's good for Steve and growing some b@lls. This doesn't mean you are selfish, it just means you are shedding the scales that have been over your eyes.......and you are fed up with her.

In the days to come, I want you to remember how good it felt when you turned around and left her hanging. You felt like a man for the first time in a long time. You were not putty in her hands. Use your own post about that day as a reference point when you have moments you want to cave.

This action was and will continue being the best thing for everyone. It's exactly what needs to happen when dealing with a wayward W. She will have to be convinced that you are no longer interested in her. She will have to be convinced that she's lost you, and you're not going to be her backup plan anymore.

Instead of thinking you are the loser.........turn it around and see that she is losing YOU. Currently, she still believes moving back with her temporary fix for her unpleasant experience of giving a home to OM's kids and mother. She doesn't want to work on herself.........she just wants to be rescued from a situation that didn't produce the results she wanted. She doesn't see that it's not that simple anymore, b/c it always work for her in the past......until she had the next affair. She has caused permanent damage, and she can't just pick up where she left off in a relationship. She's affecting lives, but she's too messed up to see or care.

You are like a diabetic who is craving sugar. You know it can kill you, but you still want it. So, what should a diabetic do? They learn how to manage their life with healthy choices......or suffer the consequences. They have to maintain a regiment of diet, activity, medication, rest, etc. See what I'm saying? They can't take just one shot of insulin and expect it to last for the rest of their life. It is a matter of maintenance. It's not fun, but their life depends on it.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by Steve_

Second she “kicked him out and his mom and kids” huge meltdown, she called me at work told me she kicked him out, I didnt answer. Honestly I had 13 patients today and I was focused on being a great nurse not a stupid LBH. Didn’t even see it until 2 hours later. And didn’t respond.


GREAT!!!!

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She asked me to take the kids tonight I got tomorrow off, I was going to go fishing but she’s in a bad place my kids are being caught in the argument I’m not tolerating that and I took them. Now WE will go fishing tomorrow me and the kids.


OK be careful you're not trying to step in and rescue her. If you are strictly doing it to protect the kids then by all means. But don't be Mr Fixit.

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When I picked them up she said “well that’s that, I already packed, he offered to pay my rent I told him to [censored] off, I’m moving back to my moms” I told her “sorry It didn’t work out for you, I saw right through this guy, never wanted you to get used” I shrugged. She began the tears, I told her “see you later” and turned around and left her staying there crying.


See the strikethrough up above. That should not have been said. Other than that, well done!

Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Be a grey rock around her.


^^^ YES ABSOLUTELY ^^^ Very important, especially if she's a narcissist. If you don't know about the grey rock technique please Google it and read up on it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Quite frankly, I don’t think she is a “wayward wife” She is mentally ill. She is not well. She needs professional help. Until she gets that and is medicated or in therapy and a completely changed woman, she will be toxic most likely forever .

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Quite frankly, I don’t think she is a “wayward wife” She is mentally ill. She is not well. She needs professional help. Until she gets that and is medicated or in therapy and a completely changed woman, she will be toxic most likely forever .


I agree ^^^

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Yeah me too wholeheartedly. I have asked her sister to get her Into therapy and she really wants to get her into it. Says she is lost. I asked her to try and convince the WW to go to therapy at least for our kids sake. Hopefully she does.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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You can’t force her. She has to want to get help.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by LH19
You can’t force her. She has to want to get help.


And neither can her sister.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by MrBrside
I assume you are agreeing to pay her $1000 a month child support ?

You "may" want to review your options on this, based on her mentality.

From my personal experience and other posters here, WW doesnt just mean they cheat.. Their whole world goes sideways, including looking after their children.. I have banged on about you stepping up and being their rock - But it "may" get to the point when she finds OM8, OM9 etc and your children are in her way - Being their Rock, you will deal with it and ensure the children are cared for... - But how annoying would it be to working your backside off just to survive and feed the children, while paying her $1000 a month when you are the one providing food and clothe - while she spends the $1000 on nights away with OM11, more cosmetic surgery or a tattoo..

Just a heads up really - I made this exact mistake and my children see very little of the money i agreed to pay the WW - While she gets tagged on drunken nights out but cant afford to buy clothes apparently !

While maddening, this is unfortunately how western societies have set this up. Steve_, I know you have a lawyer, right? Just to make sure you get the best settlement possible.

Agreed. By all means retain a top attorney and ensure you're getting the best deal possible but it doesn't surprise me at all. Even though I'm caring for the kids much more than 50/50, my wife has gotten a tattoo and elective surgery, and I'm still paying her a good bit more than $1000/month and my attorney said that's the best deal (under the law) I'm gonna get in terms of child support. This is solely because they go to her house to sleep 50/50 (nights matter, not days) even though I'm with them as much if not more than her during the days even on her weeks. The courts won't change that based on things like nutrition, hygiene, affair partners staying over...etc. Unless they're a drug addict or abusing the kids, it's solely based on incomes. If you look at it the situation rationally it's completely unfair and doesn't make any sense, but that is the way the laws are written in many states. It is maddening, but it's also just money. The way I look at it is I'm just happy to spend more time with the kids, because if it was based on other factors than maybe W wouldn't be as keen on me seeing them before/after school and all day Fridays, and me having more time with them may become a battle.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Therapy isn't worth a hoot a lot of times. The patient really needs to be all in otherwise it's just the Tony Soprano effect.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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