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Hey Mumin,

Sorry to hear that. I know it's tough but you need to get your mojo back.

Everyone knows that divorces involve OM/OW and that one day your kids will be introduced to a new bf/gf. Accept and focus on what you can control.

Focus on being an attractive and successful man who women want and your mental space will be occuppied with something much much better.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Mumin,

Originally Posted by Mumin
She doesnt have a plan at all, as expected.
D6 will also meet OM some day. He is not moving in and kids dont know XW and OM are a couple.
"He is just a friend they meet sometimes"
Im disgusted by her. I feel as if she and OM will CONTAMINATE my children.
I will be their rock.

You've commented on my thread several times, so you know I'm going through the same thing right now in terms of the young children and OM (in my case OM2). My W moved out and quickly moved in OM2 (or at least he stays overnight with them and they eat breakfast together, which is essentially the same thing). I know the feeling, it [censored]. Not that we wanted the separation/D either, but you'd hope your STBX would at least wait a reasonable amount of time and give their kids' parent a heads up so that it could be dealt with more appropriately in terms of the children. I don't have much advice for the situation other than to point out what every lawyer I consulted with as well as several board members said - there's nothing we can do about it - we just have to focus on being that rock for our kids.

sandi2's comment to you was outstanding - it made me think it was written for me as well. You have great support here...hang in there!

Originally Posted by Mumin
This coming moth is when we FINALLY physically separate.
It will be so good mentally for me.
I might need some support from you guys now and then. XW moves to apt end of Jan.
2021, time to turn the page!
Happy New Years everyone! Whish you a happy year filled with TRUE love!

IHS is tough. I was constantly walking on eggshells and reminded of the affair/sitch. You're absolutely right you'll get some relief when XW moves out.

Here's to 2021!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Mumin Offline OP
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As always, thank you Only, Ginger, LH, Sandi, Ovr, BL
Advice and just the general consideration from all of you is SO VERY MUCH appreciated!

Having a great week with the kids, barbecue, puzzles, reading a lot, trying to engage them in cooking etc.
One of my goals this year is to work out at least 200 times.

So to your input. It really helps me to read all your experiences and viewpoints. All the pain caused by WAS and OP's in the world is crazy! So many ppl who need to understand some traditional values and their responsibility as a parent.
I realized a few days ago that XW was having second thoughts about the apartment (and more?) just two months ago and now she introduced OM. That's so broken and irresponsible behavior! It really pains me to think about it but if there is one thing I've learned from this whole journey it is to see the things I can not control.

On my part I have let it go for now. I am glad I said something but I think I could have been harder on her since I actually did say something. Given some time and perspective I am really glad to see the kids happy about "moms new apartment" and like you Gigi I just try to ignore the part about OM. I talk to them one on one to make sure they are alright and also tell them how I feel and that it is ok to feel sad however atm they seem real happy about it. That's what matters the most!
As you mentioned Sandi, I never bad mouth XW in front of the kids however, there may come a time when they are older when I explain more. Who knows.

I might talk more about it again with XW but I know I cant impact it so probably not. My main focus atm is the physical separation and make sure it goes smooth for me and the kids.


Quote
Focus on being an attractive and successful man who women want and your mental space will be occuppied with something much much better.

This time will also come. I think. I keep working out and reading, try to talk more to women (though interaction is minimal in corona-times), look better in general (clothes, grooming etc) but all of it is for me. I want to to make it routine. I want to be a better me. Not just now. Forever.
I am not really interested in women at all atm.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Good stuff Mummin. You are getting it brother.

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Mumin

I think you are doing great! And you will be even better when she moves out. Honestly the best think that happened was when i asked him to leave and that was 2 months in. There were evening when i missed him or i think interaction woth an adult more so.
In terms of kids, they will ask questions as things unravel, mine are 7 and 5 and eldest does ask a lot of questions and has said openly that what H did wasn't fair and it wasnt best for everyone ( thats why H told him) that everyone will be happier this way. He openly says it was the wrong decision that his dad made and it was selfish. I mean my S7 is very profound for his age. I like you never badmouth H, however i have to be honest and say that not all decisions adults make are the right ones. They adored H and i dont want them to think he can do no wrong, they will be disappointed a hundred times over!

Hand in there and look after yourself!

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Thanks gigi and LH!!
Yes they are so much smarter and stronger (thankfully) than one thinks.
We must support them no matter what!
My kids believe it is a joint thing. “we fell out of love”. Eventually they will find out it was moms decision.
I have however told them I wish it didn’t have to be this way and that I will miss them greatly.
To be clear I tone those things down A LOT though, to be certain they don’t blame themselves in any way.

Last edited by Mumin; 01/06/21 11:13 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Im a firm believer in telling the truth, age appropriate of course. I have told the boys that dad decided not to live with me anymore, that i wished it wasnt like this for them. I have also explained that he will always be their dad and sometimes these things happen between adults.

I didnt feel the whole falling out of love thing could be understood by them really. They think if you kissed someone you have to marry them smile

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Mumin Offline OP
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Haha.
Yeah I might add to the story after physical separation.
We’ll see. It’s been important to keep low conflict during this IHS.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Mumin, no need to get too specific with the girls. The truth has a way of being revealed. Be the best dad that you can be, and one day they will look back and understand what really happened and who the catalyst was. While pointing the finger at your WAW would feel good, you shouldn't involve children in adult things. They way you've handled it with them is perfect.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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I agree with you Steve, i wouldnt bring this subject up at all with the kids. I only ever answer their questions, and sometimes an i dont know answer is just not enough for them. So i would always just look at the situation in front of me.


Last edited by Gigi123; 01/07/21 03:17 PM.
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