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BTW, right in the thick of my sitch I got a huge promotion at work. I have to believe it had a little bit of an affect on her state of mind, at least that I wasn't as bad as she had played up in her mind.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Good luck, reason!

Thanks CWarrior!

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Originally Posted by Steve85
BTW, right in the thick of my sitch I got a huge promotion at work. I have to believe it had a little bit of an affect on her state of mind, at least that I wasn't as bad as she had played up in her mind.


Thanks for the prayers on this!

I have had a really hard time with employment. We had 4 huge moves in a 10 year window (about 2.5 yrs between each). With her getting ready to retire, I know this has weighed on her mind. However, I have also hit the point where if it helps cool.. if not, I still need this for me. When I first started frantically looking for work, it was to try and convince her of this or that. I would love to salvage our M but before that can happen I think I need to secure my own future. That has turned out to be a bit of a lonely thought but here we are.

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Originally Posted by reason
Originally Posted by Steve85
BTW, right in the thick of my sitch I got a huge promotion at work. I have to believe it had a little bit of an affect on her state of mind, at least that I wasn't as bad as she had played up in her mind.


Thanks for the prayers on this!

I have had a really hard time with employment. We had 4 huge moves in a 10 year window (about 2.5 yrs between each). With her getting ready to retire, I know this has weighed on her mind. However, I have also hit the point where if it helps cool.. if not, I still need this for me. When I first started frantically looking for work, it was to try and convince her of this or that. I would love to salvage our M but before that can happen I think I need to secure my own future. That has turned out to be a bit of a lonely thought but here we are.



You cannot command the respect of others until you respect yourself. So landing this job is a good first step towards that.


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Originally Posted by reason
Originally Posted by Steve85
BTW, right in the thick of my sitch I got a huge promotion at work. I have to believe it had a little bit of an affect on her state of mind, at least that I wasn't as bad as she had played up in her mind.


Thanks for the prayers on this!

I have had a really hard time with employment. We had 4 huge moves in a 10 year window (about 2.5 yrs between each). With her getting ready to retire, I know this has weighed on her mind. However, I have also hit the point where if it helps cool.. if not, I still need this for me. When I first started frantically looking for work, it was to try and convince her of this or that. I would love to salvage our M but before that can happen I think I need to secure my own future. That has turned out to be a bit of a lonely thought but here we are.


You create your own future. Don't leave it up to anyone else. Start trying lots of things, keep an open mind, outwork everyone. Success is a mindset.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thanks everyone!
After the interview I had a good feeling about it. We were headed out to grab a quick bite but I got a call while I was pumping gas. The art director was so impressed with my interview he wanted to let me know they were starting the hiring process.
I'm feeling secure and the feelings of dread and despair are largely gone. I still value our M and will basically stand fast in that role.

On that note, W has been all over the place. She's hit phases where she goes from being happy and dancing around, showing me how to cook her favorite foods to crying and talking about just wanting to disappear. She talks about doing things together and that sort of thing and an hour later she is talking about things I'll do in my future in a very singular context. I'm trying not to read into these things because she's all over the place in her words and actions. She's mentioned numerous times about being confused, conflicted, etc etc. I finally told her, "don't make decisions when you're confused. Take it one day at a time until it's clear to you what you want". She goes to sea fairly soon. My strategy is, to be the best "me" possible. Fill her days with fun activities that let her keep some space but provide enough of an aftertaste to linger. Lastly, to show her that she can be confident in our M as a choice and not some mediocre backup plan.

I understand that there's elements to this that will seem like pursuit, and maybe they are. Here's the other side to this. There's a chance, this is it. I've made my peace with this concept. It's been a couple of years since we had a long stretch of happy memories. That's for me too. I've got a lot of positive going for me on a personal level and this period in my life will be reflected on. If there's going to be some nasty brooding, quiet separation, cold distancing.. that'll happen while she's at sea or gets back. Right now, I have positive constructive tools at my disposal that still respect a lot of the concepts put forth in DB/DR and Sandy's rules, etc. I'll operate within the confines of that but on that token, I'm GAL while including my W so she can get a taste of what could be. To me, this simple distinction in mentality is crucial. I'm not trying to impress or win back. I accepted that these things are beyond my control. This is a test drive.

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To be clear, when I say I'm GAL but including W.. I'm doing things I would be doing by myself and inviting her. Largely this also includes our teenage boys who are almost out of the house. I'm not taking her on dates etc.

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R,

I like what you wrote accept you telling her not to make a decision while she’s confused. Sounds controlling. She’s going to feel confused for a really long time. You can’t compete with a fantasy.

Otherwise good stuff.

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Hi reason,

following your sitch.

I think her next time at sea will give you a great opportunity to really focus on your own goals and provide a time of healing and reflection.

My X was deployed during our separation and I was relieved! It gave me time to see things from a more objective perspective.

The only thing I would add to your whole sitch is that make sure GAL/180's etc are not about her. I.E. these are things for you, because women are very observant...if you learn spanish because it's her language, that will feel like pursuit.

Just an example. GAL shouldn't be about winning her back.

She will return to you or not, but it won't be because of something you do. It will take her working on herself.

Wishing you much healing during this. Glad you are sleeping and eating again! Focus on those kids as much as possible. They leave way too soon! (My youngest is home for another week, this is his first year at Uni). Glad to see you going fun activities with them. You will never regret time focused on them!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by LH19
R,

I like what you wrote accept you telling her not to make a decision while she’s confused. Sounds controlling. She’s going to feel confused for a really long time. You can’t compete with a fantasy.

Otherwise good stuff.


I think context is needed here. I pushed a little harder than I intended on the tough love thing. She thought I was demanding that she make a decision. It was more of an assurance that there was no pressure than me telling her to wait.


Yesterday she broke down again, talking about feeling guilty because she doesn't feel anything for me but wants to and I deserve better and all kinds of things like that. Then wanted to be alone.

She eventually started wandering the house again and I was headed to the store to pick up eggs, which turned into our son asking if we could get Chinese.. so, another family outing.

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