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1stLove Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

I am so grateful to have found this forum – seems like you are all great people trying to help each other. I will try to make this first post of mine as concise as I can, but there is a lot of nuances and it is hard to know which parts are the most important.

Anyhow, if you make it to the end I am entirely grateful for you spending your time!
I, 31 and my partner / W (not married though) have been together for 7 years now (close). I am from Austria, she is from Mexico, we both live in Sweden. We don’t have children. We have had a few bumps in those 7 years, including her needing space and moving out 2 times before.

The main reasons in those times were that we are different in some key aspects. It took us a while to build a longer life vision together (like having children, moving to Mexico at some point) and she felt we were not 100% aligned. That has changed in the last 12 months when we took deliberate time and wrote our life visions together to see how aligned they were – and they were basically the same!

We also became very dependent on each other as we do not have family here and most of our friends have moved abroad – one of the reasons we said that we move to another place closer to her family. Which makes our R quite fragile in moments of conflicts and issues I believe.

Now, what happened in the last few months was that we lost intimacy with each other. With COVID and working from home nearly everyday, seeing each other ALL the time and not having much of a social life, we kind of got used to each other. I felt really comfortable and nice, but also not super attracted to her – neither did she. We started to focus a lot on work and projects that were started during COVID and got still quite busy some days.

For a period I was actually fine with not having a sex drive and us enjoying our time together – it made things a bit easier (sex has most of the time been slightly difficult for us). But in the last month or so I got really frustrated about our non-intimacy situation.

And normally I try to approach conflict in a way that is not too hard on the other person – before I would be quite easily go into confrontation, which she could not handle as she is quite sensitive. But this time I was so frustrated that I couldn’t keep my cool and I blamed her partly for the situation (I know, putting pressure on someone about sex will definitely not help, but I didn’t think it through).

That happened twice, once we went out for 2 nights in a cozy cabin in the middle of nowhere and the other time on New Year’s Eve. The first time I just went to sleep when she just wanted to play games one evening and I was expecting that we will have at least some more adult stuff happening. On New Years Eve the same, we were celebrating by ourselves and after dinner and some games I was ready to get a bit more physical, but she wanted to watch a movie instead. That’s when I said that I will just go to bed (at 10pm) and she didn’t react at all to it. But once in bed I couldn’t hold it and had to come back and start complaining how I am unhappy about our lack of sex and intimacy – how I do not want to watch movies and play games every evening and I was hoping we could be a bit more intimate this evening. We talked and it wasn’t the worst fight we had, but quite a sensitive subject. She was on her period and said that she didn’t think about it at all this evening.

The next day in the evening she asks me if I want a massage and we have 3 hours of just enjoying each other / no intercourse but intimate and I felt really good afterwards. The day after that in the evening I ask her suggestively if there are some more massages on the menu. And that is when BD happened.

She said that we should talk about what I raised the other evening and I reluctantly agreed. She said that she loves me, but more like a brother and sister. That she had struggled with this for a while, in her opinion for most of our relationship and that she needs to be true to herself and her feelings. That she needs to explore herself and be completely free for a while, like 6 months. That we wants to experiment and maybe meet other people to see if this sex blockage she has is her or our issue. That there should be no expectation that we get back together (which she said the previous 2 times as well)

I did not take that conversation to great and begged to try out different approaches as I am sure we can fix this. We have gotten so far, have worked on our R so much and this happens to 1/3 of all R. But she was quite determined and said that I have convinced her before that we should work on our R and it never 100% felt to be her decision. I became desperate and said things I regretted once I said them, like if you leave me I will kill myself (I told her not much later that I said that in impulse and that I wouldn’t do it, but once it’s said the damage is done anyhow). I also pushed her to be more concrete what this means and after 1 minute or so of thinking, she said that we are not going to be partners anymore. I felt I pushed her too much again and she was not clear about that before.

The day after we talked a bit more on a walk and I tried to explain her how I see things, but I also understood that she has made her mind up for now. She also said that her initial idea with the conversation the day before was not to go all the way to move out but rather to see what we do next. I just cant handle vague areas and I feel I pressured her to take a stand – I feel a bit like an idiot on that one.

I started to stop fighting and accepting in a way that I have done the 2 previous times – if this is what you need then I won’t be in your way. I want you to be happy and love you no matter what. She said that it would be great to stay in touch and meet a few times this week as it is a lonely time currently and we shouldn’t make the change too drastic. But I told her that from our previous breaks staying in touch was quite painful for me and it would probably be better to have no or as little contact as possible for 4 weeks (not sure if being so explicit about my feelings instead of just going silent was smart, but I am an honest person and want to be true to myself). She respected that choice/need but cried again and said that that is not what she wanted. I nearly changed my mind then and there.

She stayed at our place that day as well, we still slept in the same bed and watched a movie in the evening to not continue talking about the hard stuff as we were quite emotionally drained. She had a pretty shitty night, had to vomit before going to bed and felt miserable – so did I.

Now she moved to the empty apartment of a friend of mine who is currently in the US. We cried a lot when she packed and we said goodbye for like 10 minutes in tears, telling each other how much we love each other and that we send each other positive energy.

I am just so confused – I do understand that we have issues and I am not a great communicator sometimes, we lost intimacy and that she felt she was not truly happy with that. But at the same time she loves me so much and wants to stay in contact. She cares so much and it is such a weird loving way to take a break – similar to the other 2 times we did this btw.

I think that I should take the no-contact now and let her sit with her decision. But I also feel that I pushed her to take that decision a bit and that she was not wanting to do this so radically this time. So maybe talking and doing fun things together would help make her change her mind – as I have also been quite distant in the last 3 or so weeks. We have never been not communicating with each other for longer than a week maybe and not have been together for longer than 3 weeks besides the 2 times we took a break of 3-6 months (but even then we saw each other every week).

I was quite frustrated in the end now myself and was thinking myself if this is how I want my relationship to be – void of intimacy and sexuality. I think I thought a bit about if we are not compatible and I didn’t value us as much in the end as I did just 6 months ago. So I am also a bit unsure if we work well together – because I want to feel loved and accepted for who I am. I told her that as well sometimes, which might not help her feelings for me. We are quite different in some aspects:

- She vs Me
- She loves her family, I am semi-distant to mine due to not great childhood
- Mexican vs Austrian traits of course – living life more as it comes vs structure and planning
- Conflict-avoidant vs seeing conflict as a good thing to align
- Not sure about this, but I believe she is a distancer and I am a pursuer (but I do have traits of distancing as well as I did this time for example with just going to bed without saying a word)
- LL of QT and WOA vs QT and PT

At the same time I fear that I will loose her this time – I do love her and want her in my life. But I do want her to want me and be committed to us, which I feel is on very thin ice often. We have so much history, shared experiences and have values that are aligned imo especially now after writing our life visions and making long-term plans. I am also afraid of my mental health now in these isolating times, but that is the smallest issue now (a bit frustrated that she has to pull this one off now, but there is never good timing).

If you read until here, thank you! I feels good to just write this down and hopefully someone has some suggestions on what to do now – I ordered the DB and DR books so will read those.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Hi 1L,

Sorry to hear you are going through this, especially when it sounds like you don't have much support where you are right now.

Your situation sounds similar to my initial BD and has a lot of the same elements. I won't rehash the whole thing, but basically we were not being intimate and rather would just hang out in front of the tv each night. We were best friends but she said it had felt like we'd become brother and sister. She suggested a separation to find what each other wanted.

Through dumb luck, I DB'd without really knowing it. I went out and had a life and asked very little of what she was up to, I acted as if we were separating and I was upbeat and positive. After 4-5 months of this I felt a change and she even asked me if I wanted to end the separation. Unfortunately I was not on this forum or wise in the ways of DB and I blew the chance by just thinking all was ok again and going back to normal. What followed has not been pleasant or pretty.

Follow the DB rules, listen to the advice on here because it sounds like you are in a great place to turn this around if you want to. Learn as much as you can about relationships, attraction and yourself.

You can do this, we're all here for you.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Thanks OnlyBent!
How did you blew it up if you don't mind sharing - like just going to old habits and moving back together? Thats what I did the previous 2 times more or less, so probably similar.

One question I have, she is coming over to pick something up from the apartment today while I am not at home. I just got something from my dad in the post that she really loves (pumpkin seed oil) and was thinking to leave her a bottle with a note to enjoy it and make some nice salads.
Is this out of the zone - I have been quite distant in the last weeks of our relationship so just wondering if that would count as a 180?

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In addition to above, I might have made another post BD mistake -


It doesn't really share any secrets etc. and I think it would be helpful for her to read about it because it shows what was wrong in our relationship. But might of course just be another mistake and now she might think I am trying tricks.

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Nope absolutely not that is pursuit.

Just scanned your thread and there is a lot of manipulation on your part. Are you in IC?

Time and space are the only things that turn this around long-term.

There is a lot of fear in your posts. What are you afraid of 1st?

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1stLove Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Nope absolutely not that is pursuit.

Just scanned your thread and there is a lot of manipulation on your part. Are you in IC?

Time and space are the only things that turn this around long-term.

There is a lot of fear in your posts. What are you afraid of 1st?

Which things would you say are manipulations? I guess things such as just going to bed and the massage topics?

Yes, there is fear and I guess it is fear of being alone and not knowing what the future will hold (we made quite elaborate plans together) - I know rationally stupid but anyhow. I have phases this time where I am not afraid anymore and can see myself being by myself again though.

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Welcome 1st! Sorry you are going through this and struggling. When non-married folks come here and are having the difficulties you are, my first response is always to get out while you can! Dating, and pre-marriage is to vet out a relationship. I've never met a couple that had issues before marriage where those issues got better after marriage.

Now, I am sure the your heart disagrees with that. In fact, you may have had the same thoughts, so your brain and your heart might even be at odds with each other. I know what I stated above is easier said than done. But there are so many great people out there that you could forge such a solid R with, that it saddens me when unmarried folks come here stuck (by choice) with a walkaway partner that they have no legal entanglements that are preventing them from moving on from. Lots of us that have been married, and then DB'd, have had the thought that we wish we could go back and to never have married our S (though most of us that have had that thought wouldn't trade our kids that resulted from the marriage for the world!). You are already in that place.

Anyway, just my thought. Obviously it is your life and you will make the decisions you want to make, and that is okay. My opinion above and $1 will get you a box of popcorn.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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1stLove Offline OP
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Originally Posted by 1stLove
In addition to above, I might have made another post BD mistake -


It doesn't really share any secrets etc. and I think it would be helpful for her to read about it because it shows what was wrong in our relationship. But might of course just be another mistake and now she might think I am trying tricks.


Just saw this got deleted - I basically shared with her a video from the NMMNG author where he talks about the sexual differences in men and women - thought that it showed a lot of patterns of our relationship. I kind of know that she might not want to see that stuff bc she wants to be left alone, but it was really interesting.
From now on I will keep NC until she comes back.

I just feel that I have made so many mistakes in the last 3 days that it will be hard to get together again. Begging, saying that I cannot live without her and I don't see a future for myself without her before I tell her that I want her to be happy and figure her life out. Also sending her that video doesn't help.

Regarding marriage, we never really planned to get married so far as in Sweden living together has more or less the same legal standard as marriage. We planned for children this year though towards the end to start trying - so ofc better to figure this out before and not have a child and then S.

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The heart wants what the heart wants, I get that. However, I agree with your last statement. That is kind of the thinking I was speaking to. Are you guys "common law" married? Would you have to go through divorce proceedings to separate? If not, then that is what I was talking about. Most LBSs here have to deal with the legalities of D on top of the ending of their R and the loss of their S. If you do not have to deal with a D, then you are already half way there.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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