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Mumin Offline OP
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It seems she is introducing him (see you soon was said on the call).
If she isn’t she is being unfair and stupid (towards the children).
If she does want to introduce him I’m better off knowing since I can be ready for questions and I won’t need to handle unveils (like the one today) in front of the kids.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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M,

I’m really confused. It almost seems like you need to satisfy your own curiosity.

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Mumin, I know it [censored]. This is one of the things most LBSs struggle with related to OPs in their sitches. I feel for you man. And I know if I were you I'd be tempted to take action as well. But you need to try to focus on what you can control. And her and who she brings into your kids 'lives isn't it. I think you're trying to find a way to control what you do not have the power to control.

If you do bring it up be prepared for defensiveness and anger. It rarely goes the way we think it will when we are considering the action. And it likely will change nothing.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Im not going to say that what i did was right, but i just ignore the existence of ow.
I have no interest in getting acquainted with my H secretary, as that is what she is at work. And if it ever came uo thats exactly what i would say. I have high standards and im a bit picky about people i let into my life.

When it comes to kids, honestly mine still think that they are friends and that ow is not an obstacle for H to come
Home, they are still hopeful. They occasionally mention her, often funny or not so situations. Like H telling her off for something, but she is very much irrelevant in their lives, just there.

If i was you, i wouldnt ask anything. Just crack on with your life, if the questions come just be honest. I just say to mine that H wants to live with her and thats how it is and yes its really sad for them that we are no longer a family. Thats it.

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Originally Posted by Gigi123
Im not going to say that what i did was right, but i just ignore the existence of ow.
I have no interest in getting acquainted with my H secretary, as that is what she is at work. And if it ever came uo thats exactly what i would say. I have high standards and im a bit picky about people i let into my life.


Not a thing wrong with that! Good for you. Im not a fan of homewreckers in general so I don't blame you.


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Mumin Offline OP
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Thanks for all the good advice, LH Steve Gigi, much appreciated!
I ended up not saying anything at all.

Just came home after a few days with my parents and New Years with my brother.
Apparently XW and D3 went and met OM today.
I left the room as soon as I heard and later told W I don’t want to talk to her right now. I’m furious atm.
Will go for a walk. Talk to her tonight.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Mumin Offline OP
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After she put the kids to bed I asked "do you understand while Im angry?"
She understood. Said sorry. etc
She doesnt have a plan at all, as expected.
D6 will also meet OM some day. He is not moving in and kids dont know XW and OM are a couple.
"He is just a friend they meet sometimes"
Im disgusted by her. I feel as if she and OM will CONTAMINATE my children.
I will be their rock.

This coming moth is when we FINALLY physically separate.
It will be so good mentally for me.
I might need some support from you guys now and then. XW moves to apt end of Jan.
2021, time to turn the page!
Happy New Years everyone! Whish you a happy year filled with TRUE love!

Last edited by Mumin; 01/04/21 09:53 AM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Hey Mumin, I feel your pain my friend, the thought of someone else is your kids lives truly [censored]. I am just at the beginning of this looking like a thing too. Who would want someone in their children’s lives who holds the values of a home wrecker.

But you know what Mumin, as you alluded to, the best revenge is to just be the absolute best dad possible. Kids aren’t stupid, they will know what’s what.


Me: 41 W:42
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I know how rubbish it is. The way i see it. I dont like it, i dont want to know her, i would absolutely prefer for my kids not to know her. They will know the truth one day, as in they will comprehend fully.

But H lives with OW now and whilst its a rental and i personally think it wont last, my priority is the kids. Which means that all i want is for H and OW to treat my boys well. How horrible would it be if your W OM was horrible to the kids for example, but you still dont have a choice but for them to go and spend time with them?!

Ill be honest boys rarely mention OW, they are very much into dad and just want his attention.

There will be many people in your childrens lives who will be temporary, teachers, friends, classmates, possible
This OM or another. You and the closest family will however always be there and will always be the most important people in their lives. Just hope that all the temporary people in their lives are nice to them.

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I can only imagine the pain and frustration you are experiencing as a result of your W's actions. I will tell you from the viewpoint of the wayward W that she feels she doesn't have to give you an account for her how she lives her life......which includes parenting. She feels every time you confront her with something concerning her and the children, it's none of your business (to be frank). I empathize with you. I was a very close observer when one of my adult children experienced the same situation where the OM was introduced three days after the H was kicked out. I saw the raw pain it caused. I saw my grandchildren in a state of hurt, fear, and confusion b/c they were given no time to even realize their parents had split, until the OM was moving into their home. Here's the thing, unless the law is broken or child services has a legit reason to step in, there's really very little you can do directly to prevent your XW from doing anything she wants to do.

Will she be selfish? Of course! She's a WW and nothing has changed.
Will she be unfair to the children? Of course! She's a WW and her mindset has not changed.
Will it do any good to point out the mistakes she makes with the children, or how they are being affecting? Absolutely not! Look, she doesn't care how you (or the kids) really feel about any of this. Oh, she may say something to "sound" as if it's for the best, but bottom line.........it's still all about her.

I think this will be harder for you than anything you've had previously. No matter how much you protest, she is still wayward and won't win the best mother of the year award. She won't even take simple, rational steps that requires her to be honest with her children, or to put their mental health above her own desires. And as far as you are feeling she should have discussed things with you so you'd be aware and know how to answer any questions that may arise.........let it go. I'm not saying you are being totally unreasonable, but she doesn't feel she has to comply.

It's very, very tough. You can't make her be the mother you want for your children. She'll do her thing, and you'll have to do yours. It's not fair to the kids, but there's nothing you can do but focus on your own parenting. I really understand how it feels when the kids ask questions about the other parent and the affair person. My grandchildren would ask me, and I was determined I would not talk bad about their other parent, but neither was I going to lie. It's hard to answer their questions, especially with very young children. Don't make excuses for their mother's actions, and be honest with your children. Try your best to keep it age appropriate. One more thing......it's okay to answer with "I don't know".

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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