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So it felt to you that she just flipped the switch but the truth is this was likely brewing for years. There’s a lot of incentive to keep the peace when living with someone. Once she found her om there was no incentive to keep the peace anymore so she would let you have it.

Be thankful she’s out of your life and start to build a great life for you and your daughters.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by LH19
So it felt to you that she just flipped the switch but the truth is this was likely brewing for years. There’s a lot of incentive to keep the peace when living with someone. Once she found her om there was no incentive to keep the peace anymore so she would let you have it.

Be thankful she’s out of your life and start to build a great life for you and your daughters.



Hi LH19, yes, I can see that. I've read it many times that when a spouse stops complaining that's when they've given up.

A month before BD we had gone to Disney World for vacation. I had no idea what was going to happen the next month.

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Yeah Drh, we had just bought a home, just painted the kids rooms in the nee home, put tens of thousands into it and then boom. All gone and she’s in an apartment with OM. Whatever you or I thought was important or endearing enough to anchor a person to commitment (family/kids/history) that all goes away and means nothing. The excitement of OM and a new story overpowers it. Funny thing is that I’ve changed a lot but she hasn’t. Apparently my WW’s OM is heartbroken and disappointed, he loves my WW but she promised to raise his 3 kids along with our two, and do all that wife like stuff, cook, clean, etc... I did all that for her, no OM is sad because he left his W for my WW and she just sleeps all day, she stopped cooking and cleaning and watching the kids, she doesn’t want to be intimate with him and is argumentative. She is exactly the same person she was with me. OM threw his life away for the same illusion I had and it doesn’t last long. Sandi is right, only hard reality will ever get a WW to change.

I accepted one thing: There is nothing and I mean nothing we can do as LBS to change the course of a WW’s actions or mindset. We love them from a distance, admit our mistakes and just give them the room they need to figure themselves out. I realize that my WW won’t ever respect how much I did for her, how spoiled and cherished she was until someone else shows her something different. I’m sure my WW will at some point want me back into an R with her on her terms but I won’t do that. I know better now. I am worth a lot more than second place.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve,

You need to break away from this addiction / obsession.

The post above just shows how deep in you are. I know you are replying to a post, you the theme is soooo similar to most of your other posts - You go on about OM and WW, her not being happy, her family not being happy etc.

Why does it matter.

LH replied to a post 2 days ago, and he beat me to it. His reply was somewhat more compasionate than mine... The jist was the same - Kids !

Most of the posts you put here are focused on OM, WW, etc etc.. repeat

You are addicated - and like an addict, you are not making rational decissions.

Just the post above says it all.. and its very similar to most of your other posts. WW, OM, detaching ( but not really ) , kids are upset because of OM / WW etc.

I'll rewrite what i put a few weeks back - Try and stop focusing on all this - Focus on the kids kids kids.. And when not with the kids, you, or what you and the kids can do when you see them. Dont talk about WW in front of the kids. Change the subject. I feel so sorry for your children. At the minute they are stuck between a selfish and sad excuse for a mother, and a father who is addicted to something unhealthy. You have the power to change one side of this ! But taking them on trips to cabins and posted the pictures for the WW isnt the way to do it.

If you want to read a good post, find Josephs. He had a crazy WW.. Once he broke from the Fog, his focus was kids kids kids.. He has come out of this smiling.. Read his sitch, and start to focus on your children... Not random posts about cooking, cleaning, WWs family, WW sister, OM etc - If you turn the negative focus you have on WW into a postivie focus for the kids, your sitch would have a happy ending.. you just dont see it yet ! - KIDS KIDS KIDS !


Last edited by MrBrside; 12/28/20 02:19 PM.

Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Steve,

You need to break away from this addiction / obsession.

The post above just shows how deep in you are. I know you are replying to a post, you the theme is soooo similar to most of your other posts - You go on about OM and WW, her not being happy, her family not being happy etc.

Why does it matter.

LH replied to a post 2 days ago, and he beat me to it. His reply was somewhat more compasionate than mine... The jist was the same - Kids !

Most of the posts you put here are focused on OM, WW, etc etc.. repeat

You are addicated - and like an addict, you are not making rational decissions.

Just the post above says it all.. and its very similar to most of your other posts. WW, OM, detaching ( but not really ) , kids are upset because of OM / WW etc.

I'll rewrite what i put a few weeks back - Try and stop focusing on all this - Focus on the kids kids kids.. And when not with the kids, you, or what you and the kids can do when you see them. Dont talk about WW in front of the kids. Change the subject. I feel so sorry for your children. At the minute they are stuck between a selfish and sad excuse for a mother, and a father who is addicted to something unhealthy. You have the power to change one side of this ! But taking them on trips to cabins and posted the pictures for the WW isnt the way to do it.

If you want to read a good post, find Josephs. He had a crazy WW.. Once he broke from the Fog, his focus was kids kids kids.. He has come out of this smiling.. Read his sitch, and start to focus on your children... Not random posts about cooking, cleaning, WWs family, WW sister, OM etc - If you turn the negative focus you have on WW into a postivie focus for the kids, your sitch would have a happy ending.. you just dont see it yet ! - KIDS KIDS KIDS !



Another good set of threads is MBR's. He had posted to you Steve_. mbr followed a similar path of Joseph with an extremely WW. Eventually D'd her and is so much better off for it today. Steve_ you deserve so much better than this woman has given you!!


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Originally Posted by Steve_
Yeah Drh, we had just bought a home, just painted the kids rooms in the nee home, put tens of thousands into it and then boom. All gone and she’s in an apartment with OM. Whatever you or I thought was important or endearing enough to anchor a person to commitment (family/kids/history) that all goes away and means nothing. The excitement of OM and a new story overpowers it. Funny thing is that I’ve changed a lot but she hasn’t. Apparently my WW’s OM is heartbroken and disappointed, he loves my WW but she promised to raise his 3 kids along with our two, and do all that wife like stuff, cook, clean, etc... I did all that for her, no OM is sad because he left his W for my WW and she just sleeps all day, she stopped cooking and cleaning and watching the kids, she doesn’t want to be intimate with him and is argumentative. She is exactly the same person she was with me. OM threw his life away for the same illusion I had and it doesn’t last long. Sandi is right, only hard reality will ever get a WW to change.

I accepted one thing: There is nothing and I mean nothing we can do as LBS to change the course of a WW’s actions or mindset. We love them from a distance, admit our mistakes and just give them the room they need to figure themselves out. I realize that my WW won’t ever respect how much I did for her, how spoiled and cherished she was until someone else shows her something different. I’m sure my WW will at some point want me back into an R with her on her terms but I won’t do that. I know better now. I am worth a lot more than second place.



I agree with you wholeheartedly on the point of not trying to change them.

She made a social media post about me (indirectly) saying i was toxic and controlling. She told me I "refused" to let her move out. I told her you weren't going to move in with OM till spring of '21. Now all of a sudden he wants you to move in earlier and we have financial obligations, joint credit cards etc...then she kept asking me to bring the buyout process forwards, and I told her i don't feel financially qualified to buy you out so soon. I was going to do it at year end. I was trying to get my credit score up, pay off some debt etc, but she saw my refusal to do it when she wanted as controlling.

This summer, she asked me "would you let me move in with a friend?" and I'm like you have kids here who depend on you and I doubt your friend would let my kids stay. She said she had no friend and was just testing me to see if I'd stop her leaving. She moved in with OM earlier this month. Did I try to stop her? No, but it's left me in a bit of a mess financially because I don't have her paycheck anymore. She even told me "how can I help you with the mortgage (which is in both our names) if I'm living with OM?" - that's how messed up in the head she was.

When we signed out separation agreement last year she was going to get a better job and buy me out. Before she had an OM she actually had the nerve to tell me: "what if OM offers to buy you out?" After meeting OM she decided she didn't want to get a better job and wanted me to buy her out instead thus breaking the agreement.

Every time we had an agreement she would break it and then accuse me of being toxic and controlling. All this while she lived in the house with me and the kids and was sleeping with OM. Telling me "I'm separated" when it's obvious she wasn't.


Last edited by Drh2001; 12/28/20 07:48 PM.
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I'm going to check out Joseph and MBR's threads, this is something I need to work on as well. I always put the kids first even to the point of neglecting myself and WW to some degree. An unhappy home life made me give my kids everything I didn't have.

Last edited by Drh2001; 12/28/20 07:55 PM.
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Im just going to call this post Revelations.. here are a few things I have finally realized and accepted and a small update.

1.WW didnt get a gun put to her head, she chose to be with OM, shes not a victim of some evil plan.
2. Its not my fault she chose to leave, she had a litany of other things she could have done.
3. After Identifying what I failed in the M beating myself up about it does no good (hardest one)
4. There is not a dang thing I can say or do to make her "fog" go away.
5. Children and family know what is going on, no need to drag them into it more, they see and hear and think too.
6. My WW misses me and does have guilt, but not the way I want her to, its because of her own image, its not remorse.
7. If I continue to let this hurt me it will, It cannot be avoided and it will hurt but I MUST make efforts to feel better.
8. All the mistakes I made not DBing perfect dont matter, they are done and gone, its human, what is important is to do better each day, nobody can DB perfect, some of us are just more attatched/co-dependant than others and it takes longer.
9. My WW is experiencing discomfort with her new reality, its not regret or remorse its just missing the stuff I did for her that OM doesnt, the messy situation she is in, it doesnt mean she loves me, if she did she wouldnt have left.
10. This journey is a long one, there is no quick-fix, magic words, or love spells to make it better, only time and working on yourself do, let the rest flow along, I can only control me and be the person I want to be, nothing more.

The update: She is not so happy with OM and apparently he isnt that stoked about what he bought either. OM is upset because my WW doesnt want to watch his 3 kids, stay at home and cook and clean all day. WW has been arguing with him over things and pretty much sleeps all day and has started to detatch from him. OM's own mom even says "this aint gonna last" along with everyone else. At first I let that give me some hope my WW learned her lesson and naturally would come back LOL! Yeah, no, not like that at all, she still has her "reasons" that she left they dont just dissapear when her love for OM does, and love for OM doesnt just dissapear either. There is zero % garuntee she will want me back once OM leaves, she may decide she wants to play the field for awhile (what im betting on). Then maybe when she has sewn her wild oats she will invite me back as a "room mate" and then have me do all the fatherly stuff and reluctantly commit to more time with me until she finds something better, assuming she doesnt during her in-between phase. I see this clearly now. I am not the champ in her mind, if I was she wouldnt have left. Thinking anything other than this is delusional. It will take lots of time, lots of patience and a big dose of reality for her to place any real value on me again, and thats only *if* she doesnt just jump around to something "better" again. Im pretty sick of that, Im worth a lot more, and there a lots of people who would love someone as committed, honest and good as I am. I dont deserve that, and that is what my future holds if I dont be very very cautious moving forward. If anything new comes up ill post it here. Otherwise im pretty much doing LRT and GAL.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 343
Likes: 1
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And repeat....

Another post focusing on WW, OM, not happy watching OM kids etc..

Steve, this is so unhealthy.. this isn’t an update. It’s the same old same old.. you obsessing over WW, what ifs etc..

You really need to break this cycle..


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Steve,

Your posts are the most difficult to read. I will keep it short.

How can your W see value you in you when you don’t see any in yourself?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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