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DnJ #2911331 12/25/20 10:17 PM
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Merry Christmas, D and family.

Reading about XWs conversation with S20 made me think about something. It seems that runaway spouses, in particular, lack the ability to properly understand cause and effect. I wonder if this is part of the theory of whole object relations the ability to form an integrated, realistic, and relatively stable image of oneself and other people that simultaneously includes both liked and disliked aspects and also strengths and flaws.

If you do not have whole object relations, you can only see yourself and other people in a split and un-nuanced way as either all good or all bad. It is as if you had to sort all your experiences with yourself and other people into only two buckets: the all-good bucket or the all-bad bucket. It is a form of arrested development, a childlike understanding of the world, that is usually caused by attachment failure in childhood.

What makes the lack of whole object relations such a problem?

It distorts reality.
This way of looking at people distorts reality. No person is all good or all bad. We are all a mixture of traits and behave differently with different people at different times.

It leads to unstable relationships.
If you need to see people as all good or all bad, every time someone does something that does not fit into your current bucket, you will either have to deny reality and ignore what is happening or you have to switch them into the other bucket.

This means you could be seeing someone as all-good one moment and tell the person, I love you with great sincerity and then two minutes later, when they do something you do not like, now see the person as all-bad and with equal sincerity say, I hate you.

There are two separate irreconcilable histories.
When you are in the split state of seeing someone as all good, the entire history of imperfect bad moments in your past together becomes part of the unseen background. You respond to the person as if the person had always been all good. The same is true when you are seeing them as all bad. Now you ignore any evidence that the person has been good to you in the past and you have had many enjoyable moments together.

It is accompanied by a lack of object constancy.
People who lack whole object relations also lack object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to maintain your positive feelings for someone while you are feeling hurt, angry, frustrated, or disappointed with their behavior. Without object constancy, every fight becomes a potential breakup.

The lack of whole object relations and object constancy is characteristic of people who are diagnosed with personality disorders. For example, from an object relations theoretical point of view, the main difference between simply having narcissistic traits versus qualifying for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder is based on the narcissistic person's lack of whole object relations and object constancy.

Not sure if any of this resonated with you, but I thought it was an interesting angle to explore. Ive got a little too much time on my hands in the absence of S2. Time to ponder.

Have a wonderful Christmas Day.


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DnJ #2911340 12/26/20 06:48 AM
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Merry Christmas, Dnj-

Hey at least your XW got your kids something. All our D had was gifts I bought her. He told her he hadnt bought her anything and would get her something later . He wont. Hes so disconnected from her, its sad.

I hope one day, he can see whats going on, but as of now, hes so far in the tunnel, he cant.

Hope you had a nice day.

PLC

DnJ #2911362 12/26/20 07:59 PM
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Good Morning

Grace - Merry Christmas to you as well. Gosh, thankful for little o me. I am very happy to have met you Grace. And glad of your healthy healing path. For whatever part I played in that - you are most welcome. Know it is reciprocated - I am thankful for you too.


Andrew - I agree and am not too surprised at XWs poking her head out of the ground during Christmas. We all reflect, eventually, upon that which is lost. I believe she has yet to feel her regrets to the full effort that is still to come.

I do feel that perhaps she is starting to reach outward, trying to repair relationships with the kids. I dont yet believe that, though I do feel it. And there is some empirical evidence of such, so I do think it as well. She needs to not try and to do. Not try to repair but do rebuild or forge new better relationships. A tall task. And one I am not part of, it is for them to figure out.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
Also keep in mind that the explosive and destructive manner of it in your case has created a rift that at present looks impossible to bridge. And her path may not lead her back towards where she was.

The past few years have changed us all and set us on paths that lead us we know not where.

Look at you. You are becoming more and more the optimist.

That rift born from such destruction does, at present, look difficult to bridge. Oddly, I see that rift, and the needed requisite tasks and such from both sides as not impossible - Im a rather hopeful guy, and hope is just believing in possibilities. However, in truth, Im not sure I would want to rebuild back to where we were. Actually, no I dont want to repair with her, and repair is building to where we were. And that lead us to here.

Forge or rebuild new - perhaps. Yes, that I still would undertake.

I was thinking she was reaching back towards the kids this Christmas. Its all a matter of perspective. Her reaching back mean she is in front. My perceptive, and maybe hers somewhat - she is reaching out forward. We, me and the kids, are ahead of her - on our paths.

The MLCer thinks, feels, and believes their explosion propels them forward and they have their new wonderful life. And as long as they feel and believe that, they will not change! If their perception is that they are in front they will not go backwards. Well actually no one goes backwards, its a matter of perspective.

Her reaching out to her kids is important. She left with the words; well many different words, and these ones were not the most significant; that the kids will accept her life. They dont have a choice. I, of course at the time not knowing what the h3ll was going on, said she was just holding her breath demanding her kids see it her way. She agreed! I said that could take years. And XW, didnt care. I can wait. They will come around. I responded, just like you and your Mom and Dad. Its been 28 years, theyve never even met their grandchildren. That is your future! 3 decades from now, when your great grandchildren are already here, you will have missed so much, you will still be holding your breath!!!

Of course that didnt change her path. She was far too gone. She was out in front, so she felt. (And so did I, at the time, truth be told. Oh how we grow. smile )

I think and hope she realizes she is actual behind and is reaching forward. For it is then that she may effort into catching up.

Merry Christmas Andrew. My best to you and yours.


scout - Excellent pondering fodder.

Yes, seeing and defining the world, people, events, etc. in only good and bad leads to problematic outcomes. Things are much more gray, than black and white.

We all have the capacity and capability of good and evil. We can all choose and do choose. And we choose to judge or forgive or not.

Even itemizing peoples actions into good and bad; this one was good, that one was bad. A tally summary still isnt truly gray, we still categorized. No one is wise enough to see all ends. (Gandalf, Lord of the Rings, Im sure you recognize the partial reference smile )

The MLCer is emotionally stunted and has a similar view of the world. And they will expend enormous energies in maintaining that distorted view or fantasy.

Thanks for sharing such a wise viewpoint. Too much time on your hands. Lol.


PLC - I responded on your post before I read mine. I see you pre-answered my query of gifts. Yes, Hs lack of gift giving is pretty commonplace for an emotionally troubled person.

He will appear disconnected from her and you, for he feels disconnected from himself and everything around him. The running is him trying to find connection. Him not looking within. Him unable too, yet.

It is sad. And he is still within the tunnel. He cannot see nor grasp all that is going on.

Have a wonderful Christmas season my friend.


- - - -

Christmas Day was really good until... well Im getting ahead myself. Let me retell in order. smile

S20 got up around 10:00am, rather early considering how late he stayed up watching movies.

I went and got my Mom and brought her over to spend Christmas Day with us. We had lunch, visited, and played cards until 3:00 pm.

This was the planned time for our family video group call. All of us connected online. Me, Grandma, and S20 at my house, D18 and BF at his house, S22 and GF at theirs, S23 and GF joining from their home, and Grandpa logging in from his bed at the care home.

My poor slow internet connection with its maximum speed of 5 mbps was the bottleneck. S20 joined his phone on using cellular which then helped. We set my iPad as the speaker and microphone source and muted the other two and everyone was then set.

Presents were opened. All gifts from one person, as how ever that one person wanted them to be opened (as in all at once or one at a time). Stockings were first, and opened all together. Kids, which we all are, unleashed. Our inner kid diving into our stockings. Santa got everyone a bottle of favourite alcohol. All except me - I cant imbibe (although my upcoming appointment has us lowering and possible removing immunity suppressors from my pill cocktail), Grandpa - the care home would freak out, and D18s BF - he is 17 and pretty sure giving alcohol to a minor not yours is not proper. The rest were quite pleased with their liquors and fancy scotches and rums.

Santa also got various flavours of chips - bacon, smokey bbq, etc... S23 was eating bacon chips within seconds of unwrapping his gift. Lol.

Presents were opened next. D18/BF/S20s they all went together to get better gifts from poor students. smile D18 ran things, and well as being the one who actually bought and wrap all the gifts. The joke quickly became us thanking her and then everyone reminding to thank S20 and BF as well. Lol. She had the gifts opened one at a time so everyone could watch the action.

They got me a Monopoly game. One of my favourite games is Monopoly. Ive been gifted many different versions over the years. This version is - Cheaters Monopoly. I havent opened it yet, but according to the outside of the box - basically you can cheat. Anything. Rob the bank, steal from some else, whatever, if you dont get caught then it is ok. So, like regular Monopoly as kids play it. Lol. Im pretty sure those games will devolve rather quickly.

S20 and GF went next. They had a lot of neat items for the siblings. Phone accessories, battery pack, thermos, coffee cup warmer for those stuck at home worker at their desk. I got some much need new slippers.

Grandmas gifts were next. She gave a card and money. Always a hit. It is the right size, and the colour, and the right flavour. Lol

S20 and GF had their gifts opened one at a time as well. She (they smile ), put in some significant thought. From a red wine decanter and glass set, to the aging casks for wine (cool looking wooden mini barrels on stands that one places wine and the favouring/aging wood chips for a certain amount of time. Has a spigot and looks really neat.) I got three Star Wars ornaments that will join the ever-growing collection. The characters are the vintage ones - from the movies and lore when at its height.

My gifts were then opened. Everyone had some good quality kitchen utensils individual wrapped. So 6-8 individual gifts to all tore into together. Mom got a good quality paring knife, something she has been bemoaning as her current plastic handled one is giving up the ghost. The silicone spatulas and flippers were welcomed.

Their individual presents were then opened, as well as the other Santa gift that I had forgot about. A jug of windshield washer fluid for everyone - a heavy gurgling gift that no one saw coming. A set of cutting boards, slow cooker, and other specific items. And the homemade hot pads. My efforts were most appreciated. Many questions were asked about the time and effort involved in creating them.

S23 later sent pictures of his Christmas dinner, pre and post cooking. A bacon wrap turkey and all the trimmings. What a meal. The final table full had the oak hot pads, the wine goblets and decanter, and the utensils were used in the preparation of the golden brown bird adorning the table. It looked really good.

The call and opening of gifts lasted 90 minutes. Grandpas supper showed up just as we had finished. D18 and BF had to go do the farm chores. S23s GF shared the news of her getting a job; the company she was working for was bought out just before Christmas and she was let go. The new company has hired her back on. Yay!

With the call over, XW/Moms gifts were opened. Mom sent some socks, a shirt, shampoo, and a $100 Visa gift card for S20. Grandmas gift was a set of cross stitch coasters. They looked nice, and we all wondered a bit - why she did that. She hasnt spoken to her XMIL since S20s graduation, 2 1/2 years. Oh well, the gift was appreciated and accepted as given.

I made supper here. Grandma providing the two turkey breast, the three boxes of stuffing, the 14 potatoes, the bag of corn, and so on. I reminded her there is only three of us. smile No matter she wanted left overs. No problem, there will be leftovers. Three boxes of stuffing, and pre-stuffed turkey breast. We had food for a dozen. Lol.

Anyhow, I cooked it. The turkey smelt great. The stuffing smelt great, the gravy was smelling sooooo good. I had called everyone out to the kitchen as everything was about ready. The table was set, and I was carving the two turkey breasts. The two platters of meat were placed on the table. The corn and gravy served. I was readying the potatoes for mashing as requested by Mom, when I quite suddenly had to go to the bathroom. I asked her to finish mashing the potatoes.

Light a switch being flipped - I felt sick. Went from absolutely great, a wonderful day, a wonderful (if I do say so, and Mom and S20 both said so later) meal, to sick.

I got sick, barely making it to the bathroom. And both ends. Yuck!

Obviously supper was now out for me. It was so strange. So I apologize (which is rather funny, one apologizing for getting infected), and went to the living room. The meal was still eaten and enjoyed, by two.

Over the next hours I kept score - 8 times sick, 22 times the other end. Yeesh, what a time. What a way to miss Christmas supper. So strange to come on just like - snap.

Oh well, supper got eaten. The dishes all washed. The left overs spilt up and packed away. Mom was driven home by S20, who then fed and walked the dogs. All sans me.

I went to bed, and had two more episodes during the night.

This morning I awoke - feeling great. Thankfully whatever it was, was really short lived. My mom called to check on me. She was worried, and quite revealed that I was better.

I am looking forward to my left over turkey dinner. smile

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911363 12/26/20 08:22 PM
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Ouchie. I would suggest food poisoning except that you were the only one affected.

Glad you're feeling better.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2911400 12/27/20 07:34 PM
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Hello Andrew

I agree food poisoning seemed a likely candidate of cause. And I was the only one afflicted with this. Oh well, another of lifes mysteries that I accept as unsolved.


Yesterday was a lot of fun!

S20 and I had grandma over after lunch. I was busy putting away the dishes so he went and picked her up. The goof didnt feel like going upstairs to get his socks so he ran out to his car, drove, picked up grandma, returned, and ran back in - all in bare feet. Its cold and there is an inch of snow.

Lol. My Mom chastised him. Giving him the gears.

I poured her the remainder of the champagne and orange juice. S20 dug into his Santa gift, and spice rum, and rye, and a few other things over the course of the day. Lots of laughter and fun as we played cards.

We played three handed hearts. Then six handed where the extra hands were our partners across from us. They dealt and passed cards just like a regular player, but blind. Just playing the top card. OMG, what a game, where half the deck is played blind and not following suit or a strategy.

We then played declining bid whist. The first hand is the entire deck, or as much as you can evenly deal out. In three handed that is 17 cards. The trump suit rotates with each hand spade, hearts, diamonds, clubs, no trump, and then start again. The hands decline by one card each time. So the first hand is 17, the next is 16, and so on. When you get to one, there are as many rounds of one dealt as there are players. Then you go all the way back to the full deck. So in our case 35 hands.

Its played just like whist. Need to follow suit and highest card wins the trick. The scoring and game play comes from the bidding. The person to the left of the dealer bids first on how many tricks they are going to take. Then the next, and so on around the table. The dealer cannot bid to make the total bids equal to the number of tricks available (cards dealt).

For example: The first round with 17 tricks. Player one bids 7. Player two bids 6. The dealer cannot bid 4. Every round at least one person cannot make their bid, or score points.

The scoring is if you get the amount of tricks you bid, you get 10 points plus one for each trick. If you miss your bid, you get zero points. You have to make your bid to score. You score accumulates, at the end the highest score wins.

Zero is a valid bid and comes in often in the rounds with less cards. There are as many 1 card rounds as people since if biding and playing was perfect the dealer would always lose, so it is fair. Of course perfect cant happen and luck and chance and a good portion of the deck is unknown for most of the games creates quite the scenarios.

We play all day! We had left over Christmas supper at 9:30 pm!

Man that was a fun day.

XWs desperation is showing by the way. She called S20 a few times. And then texted him asking him to call her. He was busy and didnt.

After supper I took my Mom home and S20 and I visited for a bit. Around 11:00 pm, I figured Id head off to bed and he was going to stay up and watch a movie. However, a few questions were asked and we ended up talking until 2:30 am.

XW/Mom was part of the discussion. Only a small part. S20 does get angry towards her, and see that lashing out really wouldnt serve much. He said, it would be like lashing out at an mentally unstable person or someone addicted to drugs, it would not have a good affect. And he sees Mom as mentally unstable. He forgives her, somewhat.

I helped him put into words his feelings. That he wants her to suffer consequences, sort of, not from his actions or inactions, from her actions and choices. Not in a mean or vindictive way, from a she needs to grow up view point. And he clearly sees her young teenager behaviour. And yeah, that is pretty strange at first for a child to see their parent like that.

Im very proud of him. Of all of my kids. They have grown and healed very well.

It was a very good day.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911738 01/03/21 03:17 AM
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Can we add games to our coffee and naimmooannmmaooo bars? You are always having such a good time playing games and I can't get either of my kids to play games since they were younger. The only one I hated was Sorry. It makes everyone turn mean while saying, "SORRY!" in a mocking voice.

Come to think of it, it's kind of MLCish.

You haven't weighed in on my posts in a while. Are you on a Gerda hiatus?


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
DnJ #2911739 01/03/21 04:26 AM
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ALERT -- I have a house question. Will post it in my thread.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
DnJ #2911754 01/03/21 07:20 PM
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Good Morning

Gerda - No, Im not on a Gerda hiatus. smile

Its difficult, maybe even close to impossible, to get anyone to do anything, including playing games, if they dont want too. Be the beacon and let them come to you.

I found card games are a good wholesome and family togetherness time. And, it also highlights and reminds kids of their family brokenness and dynamics. We - me, W, kids, grandparents - all played cards before. So, there is a certain amount of resistance to opening that particular box of emotions. For all of us, not just kids. Be the beacon.

A card game we like is Hand and Foot. Its a canasta type game where every player has two hands, well a hand and a foot, to play out.

Hearts is another good game. Declining whist. Spades. Circle 20. Are a few others. These are all scalable and make good games for groups from three to ten. Of course I have created a few DnJ versions to make them more challenging and better for when there are more people. Adding more decks of cards where the second or subsequent identical card played takes the trick, and things like that.

Games are fun. The underlying purpose or goal is to win, which means there are losers or non-winners. My view, I embrace that. Play to win the game. And have fun. Thats why games of more skill based are better than chance based, IMHO. Playing just for fun eventually removes the fun from the game, we grow out of them that way.

Give a person a challenge and they will keep coming back to it. Give them a fun challenge and they will love coming back to it.

If son and daughter know whist-type games, taking tricks, trump suits, and such, declining whist is an excellent game. There is a good deal of luck as more and more cards are removed from play, and skill in figuring out the possibilities when making and winning your bid. It is also surprising how much logic and thinking skills one learns while playing.

If they are not well versed in whist, start with hearts. Three handed hearts does make for a hand of 17 cards, lots to,hold, and it is still a good game. Pretty straightforward rules and scoring.

If I could, Id come over and wed play four handed card games. Im pretty sure your kids would have a blast.

A fun/funny version for almost any game: Include a dummy, or DnJ hand ( smile ), when dealing. It, I, can play along. The dummy will just play the top card regardless of whatever is lead, all other rules still apply. For bidding games the dummy bids whatever it takes to even out how many tricks are available. And keep the dummys score too. Adds much randomness and aggravation, which young people seem to enjoy. I think it shifts the reason for losing more to fate. Blaming the dummy is fun. Lol. And yes, Ive been beaten by the dummy hand. Now, if that isnt something. A purely randomly played hand got a better score. Haha.

- - - -

S20 and D18 went home yesterday. Ive got today to organize and I go back to work tomorrow.

S20s stayed the entire time, not return home for a few days before New Years as he was considering. D18 came out after Christmas, after one day being at home by herself. It was nice having them back home for a spell. The house was full of sounds and piano music - once they got out of bed. smile

Movies, games, visiting - a very good time.

I was exposed to quantum physics. Id like to say I learned somethings but I didnt. (Well maybe a wee bit) The real quantum ideas and teachings is not anything like that which we read about. It is purely mathematical. The created visualizations to craft an analogous bridge from quantum physicist to layman are not accurate nor true. There isnt a real macro world way of explaining these things.

The quantum effects are real. And are shown in experiments. S20 has performed and validated some wildly bizarre quantum behaviours, which do change once, and only after, they have been observed. The cat isnt both alive and dead. The multiple dimensional wave functions that defines all the possible energy states of given quanta, and the empty space between them, collapse when detected or observed. As some value become known, others become unknown; it is impossible know all the quantum states at one time - it is a matter of possibilities and probabilities. A staggering matter!

S20 is absolutely brilliant! His GPA is 4.3, is on the Deans honour role, and a member in the university presidents society. I think he is the only student. His current scholarships at this half way point of the year already covers all of next years tuition as well.

He and I sat up until the wee hours many nights and he talked about quantum physics with such a passion. It is enthralling to listen to him, with 3:00 am quickly and un-observingly arriving. Hours and hours pass by with barely any notice.

I told him, he should go back to the high school and talk a bit to the math class. It is quite inspiring. He has reached back to his calculus teacher and talked with her. She loves math, and saw S20s potential and passion within him. She was one of his best teachers. She and he, talked about how the second derivatives remove time from the equations, and when utilizing spherical coordinates instead of Cartesian coordinates greatly simplifies things with these multi-dimensional wave function - down to 5 full pages of math from say 20. One of his questions on the final exam was 15 pages of algebraic and calculus work to find the solution. She is quite proud of her student.

D18 did well on her first year in university too. It is unfortunate all the teaching was distance and online. There were and are several glitches and flaws in the technological infrastructure for delivering the lessons and examinations. In subsequent years the class size becomes less and these issues will also become less. Her GPA is still unknown, although she has marks of A in the classes she does know at the moment.

D18 and I had some really good talks regarding Mom, emotions, crisis, crazy, and so on. She has made it! Yay!!!

Without doubt she knows what is going on. Accepts what is going on. Sees and understands the detrimental affect that XWs parents had on XW. And with this realization is actually talking about how it is not going to similarly affect her. Ah, forgiveness, compassion, understanding - thank you God for those blessing, and for helping me pass those along.

Part of D18s understanding comes fro her BFs Mom. OMG. That women is in a full blown crisis. She is threatening to leave. Wants a divorce. Has the paperwork. Runs out of the house to go see her L, and then calms down and comes back with the papers still unsigned. Over the summer she has gotten way worse.

She openly and unapologetically favours BFs sister. And it is blatant. The daughter, 15 years old, took and opened and ate the gift I gave to D18s BF. He got upset. His Mom defended his sister and blamed him. She then banished D18 from the house. (This is why D18 was actually at my place for such an extended time. She was supposed to be with BF for New Years.)

The Mom also sent D18 a text, blaming her. That is complete crazy! D18 wasnt even there, wasnt even her gift, and wasnt involved in any arguments. The first D18 found out about this was when the Mom texted her. Part of the text was (paraphrasing a bit):

<BF> has been part of this family much longer than you have been around here. I am punishing him by not allowing you to see him. Him breaking up with you will make him a better husband for his next second wife.

WTF

BF is 17. He is not married. He is not breaking up with D18 either. She and he have been texting many times every single day. He is telling all, and D18 has been sharing. That home situation is gone completely off the rails. The Mom is, or has, already imagined her son married, divorced, and moving on to his second marriage. Crazy town!

The Mom and Dad are both on their second marriage. The Mom has two previous children and the Dad has four. These six grown adult kids do not speak with the Mom - ever. And Mom gets mad and forbids Dad to speak to his four children. One of her daughters, this summer (see the timeline), gave birth to a daughter, the first grandchild - which the Mom cannot see. Oh, there is so much disfunction.

However, this is fodder for conversation and learnings for D18 and BF. He and I have not directly spoken about this. However, BF has his head screwed on right, and D18 and him do talk. I suspect he isnt going to remain living in that house much after his eighteenth birthday. Pretty sad situation going on over there.

And of course the Mom cannot see this. She is not wrong. D18 realizes this and the futility of trying to reason or make her see the truth. One cannot make someone see that which they are blinding themselves too.

D18 is understandable hurt. She read many more texts from the Mom that were sent to her. D18 is a burden when she is over. She is supposed to do chores and keep the farm running. Blah blah blah. D18 does help out and enjoys it. But she is being told to, and being told it is not enough, and the actual daughter gets to sit in her bedroom and not help out.

The rampant favouritism is amazing. Daughter wanted a horse. She got a horse. BF has to look after it, feed it, water it, etc., along with all the other farm animals. D18 has to as well. Daughter hasnt seen, nor rode her horse in almost a year. And no one else is allowed too, or Mom blows a gasket.

I was speaking of games earlier. D18, BF, and sister were playing a game. Sister had to pay for landing on a square and she exploded, got mad, and stomped off to her room. The Mom made an excuse and blamed BF and D18 for upsetting her. (By the way, that old daughter of the Mom who had the baby; she still svcks her thumb. Almost 30. Pretty hard to grow up when treated like a baby.)

Anyhow, enough of that family and its problems. MLC is pretty widespread it seems.

XW it seems is not too happy with the kids and their lack of visiting. D18s picking up of Moms gifts wasnt going to XWs plan and could not be on her schedule, so Mom snarkily told her she would not be around and the gift would be in her car. No idea where Mom was without her car, but D18 got the gifts from the car and continued here. D18 didnt visit Mom. S20 didnt visit Mom. S22 didnt visit Mom. And S23s visit with Mom was very short, like 30 seconds, after her hours long journey as well. There has not been any group video chat with her either.

On my side of the street, visits, calls, video, etc. We actually all played online games together on New Years Day. Pretty fun. The street is interesting in the extreme contrast from my side and hers. Keep your side of the street clean.

Originally Posted by Gerda
You are always having such a good time...

I thought Id share something. Not like that is anything new, I share quite a bit. And that is what this is about.

At times I do feel, and yes I completely realize the irrational forces upon me smile , I feel my sharing is... well Im not sure what I feel, maybe too much or something. I share my great life; it is in the very title of my thread. I share my views, values, and beliefs. Ive shared my journey, my pains, my life. It makes sense to continue sharing the now as well. And I enjoy sharing and am comfortable doing so.

I suppose I want to assure those reading along, especially the newbies, making a great life takes time.

Like today, Im cleaning up and organizing after having D18 and S20 visit. First thing this morning was laundry. I gathered up the towels and bedding from four floors of the house, and started the load. Then off to breakfast. There was a time, right after bomb drop when things like that 5 minute laundry task was insurmountable. Making the bed was like an hour long chore when in the crater of the explosion from XW.

I share not to show you how great my life is. I share to show you how great your life is.

Well now I feel like a goof. Lol. Being vulnerable. Not sure why thats on my mind. Oh well, there it is. Shared with friends.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911757 01/03/21 09:02 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I suppose I want to assure those reading along, especially the newbies, making a great life takes time.
And it also takes mindfulness and the ability to accept those things you cannot control. For some, it takes longer amounts of time than others. Some do never get there.

Which is why it is important I think to not put any specific deadlines or expectations on things. To quote a character from a favourite movie "It will be ready when it's ready".

Originally Posted by DnJ
I told him, he should go back to the high school and talk a bit to the math class. It is quite inspiring. He has reached back to his calculus teacher and talked with her. She loves math, and saw S20s potential and passion within him.
Ah - fun with math. I never did finish my degree but it now seems that I use at least algebra every day. This morning I was figuring out based on 22 tonnes of product of a particular strength in one container what orders of different 3 different strengths in 4 different container sizes I could fulfil while at the same time setting the stage for filling a special order and accounting for the exothermic reactions involved. It took the better part of a sheet of paper.

Has your son ever used what I would consider a "real" calculator? I've always had one and rely on them. Big buttons, paper tape so you can check your work, you push the "add" and "subtract" buttons in a different order than most others. On one job I used one of those big machines that had the arm you had to pull down each entry - very satisfying. Perhaps a birthday gift - to remind him that for all the ways that you can use numbers to define the universe, it really comes down to just shifting gears and a big lever laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2911853 01/05/21 02:23 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,609
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Hello Andrew

I have a couple of those mechanical adding machines. Something captivating about the accuracy and precision of how math can be accomplished using gears. And of course defining the universe through math is rather captivating as well.

Gears, its all just a big calculator. The answer is 42. Lol.

S20 actually has a thing for stuff with gears and also hourglasses. Interesting, the passage of time represented as sand flows. Through math, time appears to be not an intrinsic property of the universe, rather it is an emergent property. Like how mass is not an inherent property of matter, it is dependent upon its speed.

I should gift him an adding machine and a true hourglass. Im sure much pondering would be done as the sands flowed and the gears turned. Such are his and my discussions.

D

Last edited by DnJ; 01/05/21 02:23 AM.

Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D20

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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