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Steve,

I dont post much but have kept up with your sitch. Tell her to fuch off, not literally but in your mind. I have read these forums for years, 100s of sitches and can only recall a couple of WWs that come close to being as UGLY as yours. She is a piece of s$%#.

Trust me life will be better without her.

Wishing you the best.

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Yeah as time goes by I feel dumber and dumber for being so attatched and In love with someone so F'd up.
She is selfish, narcisstic, just not a good person. I used to think she was but I am really beginning to see that
she doesnt care about a single thing besides herself. I laugh sometimes, I laugh that I actually thought I mattered
and I laugh that Im delusional enough to think I still do. Bottom line we have kids so I have no choice but to deal
with her. I am just refusing to buy into her BS or believe a damn thing she says. I dont think she even knows what she
wants/feels because she is so strung out on lies she probably lost herself a long time ago. She is unhealthy, I do NOT reach out to her anymore. I do not do anything anymore. Its for the best.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve,

I actually donít see anything funny about this at all. You are both emotionally damaged individuals who are raising young kids who will know nothing but how dysfunctional parents act.

You canít control her but you can control yourself and get yourself right so your kids have a rock to lean on 50 percent of the time. Right now Steve you should forget about her and put 100% focus on your kids.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Quote
Been Dbing for a week or so now, but at this juncture its confusing.


You were warned about your WW keeping you on the back burner. She's played that number as long as I've been reading your posts. Nothing has changed, Steve.

Look, she's discovering that her fantasy about a new life with OM isn't as peachy as she thought it would be. So, like most WW's, she tests you to see how you'd respond if she threw a few words around about having second thoughts.

First of all, where is her remorse? Was she crying and begging for your forgiveness? Did she accept responsibility for ripping the marriage and family apart? Could you detect humility in her? Did she even ask you if you would consider taking her back? Did I miss something? I doubt it. Nothing has changed in her heart. WW's are the most arrogant and self centered people on the planet. She just assumed you'd be thrilled to have her come home. Never thought you wouldn't jump for joy at the suggestion things weren't going as she hoped with OM, and she might think about giving the M another chance. In your heart, you may be happy to hear her say this stuff, but this is absolutely nothing more than her getting a tiny glimpse of her new reality. However, it's not enough to change her mindset. She is a serial cheater, and she's not going to change that mindset just b/c she's having to keep OM's kids. Am I making sense? She was checking you out so she'd have a place to go whenever she gets fed up and wants to leave OM's house.

Let me tell you something about WW's. Until they are brought to their knees, they don't change inwardly. They can put on a performance long enough to get back into the house......but it doesn't last long. She's looking out for # one, and that's all. I'll give you another warning.........WW's like to just pick up in the MR, where things were left, and not rehash stuff about the affair, answer any questions the LBH may have, or give an account, etc. They don't want to discuss it b/c it makes them uncomfortable. Therefore, they want to bypass all that hard work and just start back up as if nothing ever happened. Any LBH that allows his WW to return on her terms, is asking for more heartbreak. I can't tell you how many I've seen LBH's who are so focused on just getting the W back inside the home, they let her come back too easily. When a WW is out of the marital home and has been living with another man, she needs to work really hard to get her H back and restore the MR.

BTW, don't repeat any of this to your WW. It's for your information only. Know what I mean? For example, if you tell her you need to see remorse, she can turn on the tears.......no problem. WW's are good actors.

If she gets to return to you, it should be understood and agreed to be completely on your terms. The betrayed spouse should know what those terms are, and require the wayward spouse to comply. This agreement is to be made before she moves back, not later. You hold the cards, when it comes to her returning. Why? She is the offender in this M, and you are the betrayed. She has to take responsibility for what she's done, and WW's are good about twisting things around to make the LBH feel as if he's the offender. There are many things you need to know before telling her she can come back.

I'll give you the link to a thread where Blue and I listed the things we thought were important when reconciling/piecing. Mine came from the VP of a former WW, and Blue from a LBW. Maybe you'll check it out before jumping into the fire without any instructions.

Definition and Guidelines for Piecing
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832573#Post2832573


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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We are not there Sandi, not even close as far as I can see. I think she was just solidifying a plan B.

She said it would be some "time" before OM can move out of her place and get his house back from his LBW. She will stay with him living with him in the meantime. Who knows maybe they will work it out.. maybe not. But if it comes down to her asking me to move back in Ill tell her I will not tolerate being "just room mates" where I pay rent and she goes out and sees other men. I wont do that I told her that point blank and up front. We are still getting divorced, and im not on the least so I can bail anytime without legal/financial repercussions if that were to happen. My WW would be tougher than most she is never remorseful about anything to anyone ever. Right now what I am doing is focusing on detatching as much as humanly possible and letting her have 100% of this OM and his world to live in.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve, please, you need to get out of those insane dependence cycles. Detach and free yourself. Show your children how to be in a healthy R. Thatís not posible with STBXW. You canít be serious about going to live with her and not been room mates. Cmon man..., please.

Stand strong there. Keep DB. Avoid all R talks. Keep the dark environment around her. Live your life, GAL!

Be the healthy parent Steve.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Steve_ Offline OP
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As far as my kids are concerned they are happy when they are with me here. My son has become a lot closer to me than he was before WW took off. Last nite I picked them up from here said ďokay see you laterĒ and left. Typically she wants to chat or hug or whatever I just split. There is not one single person In my family or her family that thinks Iím anything but a good H and a great dad. The nurses at work are starting to tell me that Iíve been seeming happier lately but I do have some parts of the day that are down still. Iím getting there. I donít reach out to her, I donít do anything for her anymore. I have accepted that my life and her life are seperate and she is happy enough where she is to be there. Whatever that means is her problem. My life is easy work, kids, thatís it. I like it that way. I am good where I am at right now. WW dropping a few crumbs of regret and recon wonít push me off the path I had to endure to get to this point. I gave my sitch over to god and just live day by day at this point.

Still doing therapy
Still not drinking
Just hanging in there pretty much.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
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Keep on keeping on Steve. I'm seeing a lot of progress in you than a few weeks ago. Keep listening to sandiand working on yourself and you'll be fine.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Steve,

That was a painful read. WW moved in with OM earlier this month. She has my kids less than half the time. I do not mention OM to my kids and asked them not to tell me about their life at the other house.

She too, has posted Xmas pics of her, my kids and OM.

The thing to remember is that it is Counterfeit. My kids know the difference between right and wrong and they know what adultery is.

She cannot create what I have with my kids at home. She can only imitate.

As it is, my kids are sharing a tiny bedroom at OM house - here they have their own bedroom and privacy.

Keep being the rock for your kids.


Last edited by Drh2001; 12/27/20 10:26 PM.
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I'm not able to start a new thread but if anyone has any ideas about the following.

sandi2 says in Pt 1 for newbies that the LBH thinks that something must have fallen on a WW head for her to be so rude, disrespectful, selfish and outrageous.

Also that resentment, bitterness and anger build in the wayward heart and mind. Then she is vulnerable to temptation.

Having seen so much of this obscene behavior over the last 14 months from my own WW, it's as if she had her SIM card swapped out for someone else's. Recently she told me that "most husband's would let the wife stay in the house and keep the kids" to which I replied, "most husbands would not let their adulterous wife keep the house, kids and money."

I got the "I'm a single woman" and "I'm not your wife" pretty early on after BD.

I'm trying to find a single point in time where the wayward mindset just kicks in. How can a wife with a good girl image suddenly and swiftly turn into a bad girl?

For me, it's like WW had a switch flipped and engaged a new circuit. The vitriol that came out was like she'd been taken over by some hostile intelligence. There were times when her speech inflection changed during the course of conversation and she'd say something nasty and then quickly switch back again - as if one was listening to rock music, where the station suddenly changed to rap and then back again to rock. I kid you not, this happened on three occasions and it shocked me.











Last edited by Drh2001; 12/28/20 01:41 AM.
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