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Can, not sure why you think folks would not support that decision. Looks like a great one. It is great to get this taken care of early. Oh how I wish I had been able to tie up the legal end of things early on.

When you talk to someone re value of the property, keep in mind that he may not be thinking he needs half of the equity. Have in mind what is fair, what you are willing to pay, but also, before putting anything to him as a proposal, ask him what he feels like he needs to get out of the property. You may be pleasantly surprised. Guilt can take people interesting places, as DnJ's story shows. If he mentions an amount you are happy with, then it may be a pleasant and easy conversation. If he says something too high, then you can talk about the other factors and why it isn't warranted and that you want your D to grow up with as much stability as possible given the divorce and that he works so far away. Also, point out that he will always know where she is and have a good mental picture of her life. That may be important to him.

Also, for the payout, make sure it is either something you can bundle into the loan (if you are going for a lump sum payout--and interest rates will likely never be this low again), or something you can afford monthly and where you are covered. For example, given that he's already been squirrely with child support, now that you are working, could you agree to offset the child support against whatever payment you would make to him. That way, you don't have to worry about him not paying. If may not be a dollar for dollar set off, and if you can't swing it, then you can't do it, but it would be sure not to have to worry about having to collect that if need be.

Just some thoughts. You can do this. Look what you've already accomplished!!!

Main thing, don't assume the conversation will go badly. He wants the house issue resolved and this severs the last tie right? He may be happy to be past this easily.

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Originally Posted by CanBird
Who's got calming words or words of guidance here? Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help? (when I have more money that is....)
In my case I was able to (with my ex-wife's ageement) get some real-estate friends to provide an "opinion of value" which they were nice enough to do for free. Certainly cheaper than an actual appraisal.

I also went to my bank and asked to see what was the absolute maximum amount of money they would be willing to advance me on the house. They said that they would base their numbers on the assessed value which for me is significantly higher than the opinion of value.

I was obliged to disclose the opinion of value during negotiations but not my conversation with the bank (having good a good relationship with my bankers and insurance people was invaluable). My ex agreed with their numbers.

As OwnIt states - it's all negotiations. The standard process would have been that I would have given my ex 50% of the value of the home. Instead I bundled it as I think 80% of the value of the home combined with smaller support payment with a fixed end date. With minor modifications she agreed all while my lawyer was kicking me under the table whispering "take it take it take it". Because I had room and pre-approval from the bank - I was able to have a pretty free hand in sorting it all out.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Journaling:

Thank you D, Gerda, 97Hope, Ownit & AndrewP. I know, when I'm on here it's a safe place and I will find support. That day, I was really feeling extremely vulnerable. I appreciate all of you here. ((( )))


A few days ago, I was having one of "those days". It was so bad (my anxiety) that my brain was not functioning at full capacity. Thank goodness my very supportive, smart & business savvy friend came over for a few hours (until 11pm!) and "held my hand" as we walked through the documents I was signing, and then helped me construct an email of questions for my loan consultant. My friend had never seen me in such a state. We had a good talk about a few of my ducks and she really calmed me down.


AND moving on! smile

Loan Duck:
My loan lady and I had a WONDERFUL conversation today. I had some concerns and we're looking good. I'm feeling really positive about this duck! When all is said and done, (loan pays off all debts and XH) I'll be looking at a monthly mortgage of under $1,500. The rental cottage covers the mortgage and XH pays CS. Any other income I bring in is a bonus!

Duck Egg: Unique Job Opportunity
I call this situation an egg, as it's developing, and hasn't quiet hatched yet. My loan lady is aware and excited for me. It's a position within a gov agency. MORE money! That's all I'm going to say. I've already applied and I'm on a list for interviews. Just waiting for the email. (My current employer knows I've been looking, and he's willing to help me out with whatever I need)

Stumpy Duck: Still working on removing the palm tree stump (a clump of 5 small Areca palms) from my backyard. But OH what fun! Thankful that XH left so many wonderful tools for me to use. Lately a rubber mallet & chisel have done a fine job of severing the finger like roots that have made a 2"- 5" carpet under parts of my pool pump. Not to mention parts some of the roots strangled their way into an irrigation timing valve and cracked it. This valve was buried under at least 4' of dirt. I knew something was leaking, but had no idea there was a valve cover there! I've got a helper for that!

Duck Pond: I'm in the pond. The online dating kind of pond. I need a distraction. I just want to chat and see what's out there. I'm divorced and turning 50 this year and the pond here is small. I'm VERY aware of the pandemic situation. (In healthcare; got my 2nd dose of Moderna this past Monday. Feeling fine thank you.) Any way, I've been chatting with a fella that wants to meet for coffee. Luckily we can do that outdoors. I plan on getting an iced drink so I can keep my mask on and sip through a straw. This fellow has had his 1st shot. (essential line of business). I have no idea what the covid protocol is for a coffee date, other than what I already have been doing for a year. Wear a mask, social distance and wash hands, be healthy etc etc... this could be fun.. I'm imagining, if this fellow is willing... we meet up, but keep our distance. Outdoor venue, daytime. Sit apart, but facing each other. Start with a text (using the dating site) and if we feel like we want to know more, that we'll share our numbers and talk.... from a distance? Is that weird? I kind of think it's intriguing and if he's willing to play along, it could be kind of fun. And safe.

Little Duck: D4 will be registering for kindergarten this year! I didn't think I'd get emotional, but I was..lol... Such a smart cookie! She's going to BLOW her teachers mind! Your welcome D4 wink

Okay, I'm out of ducks...

Thanks again for tuning in. I'm feeling VERY positive about a lot of these ducks. The pond is that last thing I care about. That'll happen when the time is right. Not rushing anything, especially during these times... ugh... I can't wait to not wear a mask. Maybe next year, right?

Be safe and take care


~Never Give Up ~
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Congratulations on the good news on the refi! And on everything else. You are rockin' it.

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Congratulations Can. Things look positively ducky.


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You are handling everything brilliantly. I’m proud of your moxy!


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You are rocking this! Have fun dating! (Keep me posted, I haven't ventured into that pond yet LOL.)

I love your confidence. (((canbird)))


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Life is short. I'm divorced. This year I will be 50. Today I'm dipping my toe in the singles pond. I've got a playdate for D4 so I'm going for coffee with a guy I've been chatting with! YIKES!! I wasn't too sure how you do this during a pandemic, other than as safe as humanly possible.

The state we live in, the area we're at, has low numbers. Masks are the norm, so no problem there. Obviously, no contact...lol... we're meeting in the early afternoon, outside for coffee. I'm going to go through the drive through to get mine, so we're both not waiting for coffee. I completed my 2nd dose of Moderna on Monday and feel fine. He's had his 1st dose of the same (due for the second one in a few days) Oh goodie! Something to talk about!!

He gave me his number, but I haven't given mine. Still using the dating app to communicate. He just sent me a msg early this morning that he forgot (" completely spaced") he's dog sitting for a friend and if it's okay that he brings the dog with him. No worries there. Now I'll be looking for a bearded guy with a Shitzu! lol..

*Looks don't matter as much to me. I mean, there has to be a bit of attraction. It's what on the inside that truly counts*


~Never Give Up ~
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June BD
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Pay close attention to what the dog thinks of him. (And check the dogs tags if you get a chance - hope it’s not his current girlfriend’s dog!) .

Remember a coffee date is not a real date - it’s just like meeting someone at a party and chatting by the guacamole dip. It’s a chance to see if he IS someone you would be willing to go on a date with.

Good luck!

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And here's how it went.

We meet in the afternoon, at an outdoor food truck area for coffee. He got there before me. Noticed the dog right away & followed the leash up to him. Couldn't really tell anything from the parking lot. Besides the mystery of the mask, he had a cap on. Normal wear for "our town". I did my version of cute casual; felt good. As I approached the table, and we made eye contact, my first impression was BARF. Is this the same person in the photo? Okay... let's give this guy a chance and see if there's anything sparking. This is just a dress rehearsal at this point on.

He ordered me a coffee, but did not get himself one, as he's only has one a day. (Weird, as he is the one who suggested going on a "coffee things".) The dog seemed very comfortable with him. I was uncomfortable with the smell of dog food. Or maybe it was something else, but it was definitely coming from this guy and not the food trucks. And remember, he had a mask on. (the surgical kind). Any way. Coffee order was up, I offered to get it as he had the dog. I thanked him, and we chatted a bit. The usual small talk. He had marked that he had kids, and that wasn't true. A "mistake" he didn't notice. I never asked before hand, but whatever. I asked him about his job (he listed business owner). A chef of sorts, but now takes photos of food at home for menus. (ummmm okay.... )... He name dropped a local top chef, and that's how he came to live here. Small world, as my neighbor knows this top chef very well. Well, he started saying not nice things about this chef and he had to quit. (ummmm okay...) Was the smell I was smelling arrogance?

On the table, was a small baggy of ice cubes for the dog and he gave the dog cubes here and there. Not unusual. At one point he pulled his mask down a bit, revealing his nose. It was so quick, I wasn't sure if it was an adjustment or he popped an ice cub in his mouth. When I saw his nose, I could not help but notice he did NOT look like the picture on his profile. Maybe it was old? I didn't ask. I also was in awe of the Chia Pet like nose he had. Okay, not fair to judge, but WOOOH. Not in his nose, ON his nose. This was a quick reveal, but I could not get over it. Or thinking about the fact that he might be feeding the dog & himself ice. EWWWW. And that smell lingered. I finished my iced coffee within a half-hour and it was time to wrap it up.

We wrapped it up, and did talk about online dating briefly. I thanked him for coffee and said, "well this was my first outing and it was good practice. If anything, you make a new friend". He said "and you keep Fishing"... I said "Ah YEAH!... (a bit too enthusiastically... )

As I left, I was so thankful that I drove my not usual vehicle, and that I hadn't give out my number. Also, I was thankful that this person showed up and it gave me a chance to practice my social skills in a whole new pond.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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