New Beginnings Pt 2

[CanBird]

The Dark Side of Today: If you've been following along, one of my ducks at the end of 2020 was getting XH to sign a 3rd party authorization form for the mortgage. (It's in forbearance) I got that letter, (it took 8 days and a lot of msgs.. and I spoke to the agency Dec 31, 2020.

Fast forward today. I got a 2 letters in the mail from the mortgage agency; one dated Dec 23, 2020 and the other Dated January 6, 2021. *Mail from them is SO behind it's crazy*. I had a question, so I called. And apparently, I don't have authorization! YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!! I was livid. I get that if the agent on the phone feels they should discuss things, they don't. This agent didn't see any authorization on file. WHAT? She did not want to say anything that might get her in trouble. UGH... I told my story. Email was sent for authorization in the late evening of Dec 30th, and I was cc'd on it. Early the next day, Dec. 31st, because I was granted FULL authorization, I was able to speak to an agent, in detail. I have 4 pages of notes! And now, one of the letters that came in the mail, dated January 6th, 2021 has both our names on it. THAT means BOTH of us have authorization. I don't understand why this agent couldn't find what she needed in order to answer my questions. She claims it was only for that day. However, THAT isn't how the letter is written, to get permission for one day.. I wrote the letter, I was cc'd on it. I talked to someone that got the letter. I've a letter from the mortgage agency that has both our names on it. I just about lost it on this lady. I might have had a harsh tone with her, and apologized, but I just didn't understand HOW or WHY this happened.

A few things she had to say: Is @@ there? Is he able to speak on the phone? Can he call us? Where is @@?
Have him call us and update his information with us. We don't even have an email address for him (THAT I find hard to believe... HE SENT THEM an email from his email address) How do we know the email address he used is his? (UGH... because his CONTACT information is on the authorization letter!! I know because I wrote it! UGH)

Any way. I called and left a voice msg with XH to call the mortgage people and I sent him emails on what he needed to to. I know he'll be huffing and puffing. (even if we we're still married this would have him in a huff ) I'm in a huff about it too, but my hands are tied.

I want nothing but for him to follow through, and contact me when he's spoken to them. Is that too much to ask? Last time it took 8 days for him to follow through, and he didn't even let me know he took action. I had to keep checking my emails.

The Bright Sides of today: I successfully modified the 2nd vehicle and it passed the safety inspection! I DID IT! Thank you YouTube!! And the other bright side was D4 organizing her room! She said it was looking messy so she was cleaning it up and organizing things.. The words and actions I've been longing for!!! Let's hope it sticks.


*I'm sure everything with the ducks will be okay. In the moment, it set me back to the dark side. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. I wish I would have bought wine or something today. Just for a night cap; I'm a light weight these days

Be safe my friends.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Can

Your authorization tribulations sound very frustrating. Seriously, one single day of authorization? The agency should be able to sort this out. Good for you sending the necessary follow up requirements to XH. My fingers are crossed that he replies quickly and positively.

Congratulations on bring the vehicle up to spec. Did you extend the wheel flares or install narrower tires?

Wonderful that D4 organized and cleaned her room.

What Star Wars movie are you guys up to now?

D

[CanBird]

Good Afternoon D. It's morning where I am.

**A lot of Venting. Grab a warm coco or coffee/tea...**

Yes, frustrating indeed. I called them again first thing this morning, and low and behold, I spoke to an agent; I do have authorization. Glad I called again (I'm the queen of following up. I get the job done. Fight the good fight!)

"Yes mam, you have authorization. I do apologize that you where unable to speak freely with an agent yesterday; not sure why that happened. It clearly states that you have authorization......"

During my conversation, I was able to get updated on a few things, like payments have been received. Also, I was updated that there was NO extension applied to our forbearance plan. WHAT? I called on Dec 31, 2020 and talked in length with an agent who SAID she extended it!! Needless to say, I was frustrated again. The agent "cleared things up", and gave me a confirmation number for the action taken. I asked her to email me SOMETHING and asked her to add both emails to the file so both XH & I would be informed on things... (I'm having a déjà vu moment....lol...). My number is the only one on file. XH doesn't answer his phone anyways...

I was polite with the agent as she was very helpful and thankfully knowledgeable. I've been in a customer service position and most phone calls are recorded, so I made a whole list of suggestions that the agency could do to insure better customer service, when it comes to dealing with 3rd party authorization. They all takes notes/make notes with each call. My suggestion was to put in BOLD letters that the person calling has authorization.

ie: AUTHORIZED caller CANBIRD ... that is how the notes should start. Then the next agent can clearly see that when they look at notes.


I emailed XH and politely let him know he did not need to do anything. *I panicked yesterday and perhaps jumped the gun with contacting XH, but what's done is done.*


Next subject: The vehicle! OH what fun! I extended the fenders. It was suggested by the safety guy on what I could do. ("A lot of guys use lawn edging and whatever to hold it in place") All it took was the plastic edging and some duct tape, and BAM! SO empowering to do it myself. The safety guy remembered me, and commented on the nice job I did...lol..

Regarding Star Wars, we've watched the first 2. Next up is "Return of the Jedi". Watching them in the order they were released. D4 is loving it. So happy when we can agree on what we watch.

May the Force Be With YOU

[scout12]

You're such a go-getter, I love to see it!

[CanBird]

Quack Quack another one of my ducks.... (Ducks: things I'm working on). This duck is a tree. A clump of palm trees, that a friend removed for me. D4 and I helped. I got to use a sawzall for the first time; pretty cool. I also assisted in pulling down a few of the bigger ones... TIMBER!!! D4 helped by clearing away the small debris. Now that the trees are gone, I've got to deal with the ball of roots that are left. I know the species, and I've done my YouTube research (97Hope... I always think of your bf ..lol...)... I can see a lot of the root ball (imagine a ball with roots sticking out) so that's a good thing. I've got a garage of tools to hack at it with so this should be a fun project.

The sun is shinning, and it's yard work time! That stump isn't going anywhere, so it can wait a few beats. THIS is my zen, my outlet; doing the never ending yard work. I love it. I just zone out.

Have a great weekend friends.

[97Hope]

ha! Ca-Caw!! Get it, girl!! YT is a good bf <3

I loved working on the ranch. I think i've missed that and have tried very hard in this down time not to become Mrs. Havisham. lol It's 'mostly' worked. I've been known to sing at the top of my lungs (terrible. bag of cats. poor neighbors)

I'm glad you have that outlet!

You sound strong and busy. Good stuff. Stay strong, Can! (((hugs)))

[CanBird]

Journaling... **Be Kind... This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it's HUGE for me**

My heart my heart. I should be excited that I'm at the tipping point of seeing if I qualify for a loan. Due to Covid, things have been all done online/virtually. I'm reviewing the disclosure agreement and having a friend come over for moral support, to look at it with me. (The loan consultant of course, is available to answer any questions I have). Right now I just need a hand holding.

This is what I want. To qualify and buy XH out. THIS is the one of the ducks, so WHY is my heart pounding? Anxiety!
Again, it may not seem like a big deal to the reader reading this, but it's a BIG deal for me. (Be kind... I really can't take any negativity at this time).

I have not spoken to XH about the plans for the house, as I wanted to get my ducks in a row. Well, I think I need to contact him and start the conversation. I know what needs to happen (he needs to sign the house over to me. I buy him out and take over the loans). I might have to have a professional help me with this, although if I can do this all without spending more money I'll do it.

"Let's talk about the house." I don't want to talk to him over the phone, but I do want to start communication flowing on a regular basis, not periodically. If we are going to move forward, we have to communicate. SO frustrating. Maybe that's what's got me feeling anxious.

Who's got calming words or words of guidance here? Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help? (when I have more money that is....)

[DnJ]

Hello Can

Finances are important and as such come with anxiety. This is a big item on your path and list of things you want to do. I see a few items winding you up. First is will you qualify for a loan. This one I’m reasonable sure of. It’s the second that is more causing your heart racing, how much of a loan will you qualify for? This is a big deal, not for the money, for what it represents and allows. That is the third stressor, the next step along your path. Buying out XH. This is the biggest heart pounding source. How to get from here to there.

I have not spoken to XH about the plans for the house, as I wanted to get my ducks in a row.

Good. Get everything set and then proceed.

Well, I think I need to contact him and start the conversation.

Be patient.

Get all those ducks lined up. Then, with known variables, like the amount available to you, consider your next steps and moves. I’d hold off with a conversation with XH for a while. Get your loan. Get your strategy.

This is business. You are wanting to negotiating a buy out of the home from XH. Pure business deal, sans emotion.

Be patient. Find your calm and peace.

Maybe I should get a real estate attorney to help?

Yes. Speak to an attorney. Before speaking with XH. Add it to the loan amount if you need too. This is probably one of the largest financial deals you will make. Ensure you are forearmed and know your options.

I imagine a consult with a L at first. Just explaining what you are wanting to do. See what forms are required, what financial investigations are needed, liens and such. By the way, I would not limit myself to a real estate attorney. This is not just buying a new property. XH will have rights he will need to sign off for you to have sole ownership. I was pretty surprised at all the legal paperwork and entanglements XW had to sign away for her to get her lump sum and run off into her field of unicorns.

Then will all that set and information gained, contact XH.

From that point, it depends upon XH. Some suggestion/advice/encouragement - if they feel the proposal is their idea it has a much higher probability of being followed through with. How to do that? Again it depends. Some general rules/guidelines would be to not argue or attempt to force your view. The less you say, the more he will say. And knowledge is power.

Realize you do not need to buy him out right away. You have time. If he wants to take time to consider, let him. No pressure. No big deal. If he is pushing something that doesn’t sit right with you, take your time and wait until he alters his deal. It’s hard to know just how eager XH might be to settle the house issue. A lump sum is pretty enticing, especially for someone who doesn’t live there anymore.

Negotiating is a bit of a game. Actually it’s a lot like a game. Each side wanting something, and hiding what they are willing to offer. In truth, it’s more that they really do not know what they are willing to offer or settle for. You can leverage that.

Ensure you keep your information to yourself. Your playbook has your strategy - for you. My XW actually would come back from seeing her lawyer. Call me from OM’s house and tell me her L’s advice. She had barely any filter, for anything. She desperately wanted a quick divorce. My negotiating went well more from me being heartbroken and quiet, than any grand cunning strategy. Although looking back I do know one item - don’t lie. If you get caught in a lie it would be bad. Not to mention you have to live with yourself once this is finalized.

Of course you and XH are negotiating on the house. A current appraisal, or an agreed upon value, and things should be rather straightforward. Hopefully. Sign the paperwork, cut him a cheque, and done.

Be patient. It may take some time for him to get where you are. And in that lay another piece of advice. You cannot get him to advance this or get to where you are. He needs to go at his pace. He is the one who gets himself to the point of signing. Dragging him along doesn’t work. Let him lead you to where you already are. That’s the cunning part of negotiating.

I loved reading about the good time with the sawzall. Good for you. Zen-like and getting the yard in order. Up next cutting a bunch of roots and digging it out. I’m sure you and D4 will really like the results from the work.

D

[Gerda]

Can, you do need a real estate attorney to draft an agreement, but it's nothing like the cost of a D attorney.

You can do this as a quitclaim thing or a sale -- you can ask a financial forensics guy to look at the tax implications for you. Capital gains will depend on the cost basis, so it may be better to do this as a sale of his share rather than a signing over based on the divorce. I've been looking into this and it's very complicated for me because I am not D. Since you already are, but you have joint ownership, you should make sure you understand the implications.

That said, to have the place to yourself without him, even if you have to sell it by yourself a year later, is worth a lot. I'd definitely suffer some money loss to get that in my own sitch.

P.S. I totally get the fear that people here will not be kind or will try to whack you with a 2x4, but this IS a big deal! You don't have to apologize for thinking it is! You SHOULD be that excited about refinancing your house by yourself . It makes me think again of you feeling that you are going to get in trouble in some way -- I mean I think of it because I am like this quite often. This is bona fide anxiety. Have you ever looked into that? There are simple exercises you can do to start recognizing anxiety so that you can mitigate its impact on you. I have found anxiety to be paralyzing in my own life and realizing that it was a bodily thing at least half the time I thought it was about my reality has helped me a lot.

[97Hope]

(((CanBird)))) Everything Gerda as said. It's stressful refinancing/purchasing a home in a 'normal' situation. You are dealing with this during a critical point in your life, with an X that will. not. communicate.

Take a deep breath and know that you have support and friendship here and everyone here is on YOUR team!!

I'm wondering if your divorce is final? If not, can you get this buttoned up as part of the process? Must you refinance now?

My X had to buy me out and refinance - it was all a part of the negotiations of the D process.

I'm just wondering where you are as far as legally, what you can do so you don't need him to follow through. Given that he is horrible at communications.

You will conquer this like you have every other challenge you have faced. It might not be easy or without stress, but like Mufasa said "Remember who you aaarrrreee" ; )