Trying to contact XH, regarding the forbearance period of the mortgage being over. He needs to fill out authorization forms so I can make payments and make required changes.
-Today I left voice messages on both cell numbers I have for him. -I left txt msgs on both cell numbers -I left another email. (1st attempt sent Dec 22. Follow up Dec. 29) -I left another txt msg on both phone Apps I have for him.
The one thing I haven't done is reach out to his family. The only person I would reach out to is Brother-In-Law. That is someone that I'm 99.9% sure XH is being honest with, and he might have better luck. XH-Bro keeps in touch with me, even though it's once in a while, like once a month.
I'm in a bit of a panic. Tomorrow is the end of the YEAR! I feel like I should reach out to BIL, just a txt.
example txt to BIL:
Me : Hi, I've been trying to contact XH regarding an urgent matter regarding the mortgage. If you have a way to reach him, he needs to read his emails and tend to these time sensitive matters.
I will go no further with the conversation unless BIL wants to engage in one.
BREATHE....................
BREATHE...................
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanB, reading this from afar, it doesn't look scary at all. And that is why I understand exactly why you are scared. I also would have massive panics and freak outs over things like that, agonizing for days.
The reason you are scared, I think, is because you secretly believe you did something wrong.
Can, you did nothing wrong.
You did nothing wrong.
You are doing the best you can to hold house and home and child together after the man you trusted with house, home, heart, child, future, being grandparents, building a home, etc., after that guy pulled not the entire rug out but the entire foundation of the house in which the floor was on which the rug was lying. That is what you are scared of, not BIL.
But it already happened. You already lived through it. It's the broken arm pain. The arm is already broken.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. ExH does.
I would just text the brother guy as if what you said about him above is true, that he is a decent guy who knows the truth about both of you and that he is a guy who cares about you and his niece.
Or pretend one of your friends here has a way to get in touch with him. What would you say to one of us?
Hey, Gerda, I really have to get exH to sign this paper so I can talk to the mortgage lenders, and the deadline is this weekend, but I haven't heard back from him in a couple weeks. Do you have a way to forward the form to him and get it back to me? Sorry to bug you but it would be a huge help!
Alternatively, if there is any way for you to handle this yourself, just do that. Honestly I would just forge his sig on the doc but I know that line is going to get a lot of NO NO NO's. I would not forge a sig to get money or anything like that, but if you have to get this thing done and you can't do it without that, you are keeping the house of foreclosure, etc., then just sign it for him and forward it to him and say that you are going to send it to him with this sig unless he wants to sign it directly himself, but it has to be done asap.
Last edited by Gerda; 12/31/2012:42 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
CanB, reading this from afar, it doesn't look scary at all. And that is why I understand exactly why you are scared. I also would have massive panics and freak outs over things like that, agonizing for days.
The reason you are scared, I think, is because you secretly believe you did something wrong.
Can, you did nothing wrong.
You did nothing wrong.
I know I've done nothing wrong. There's just a lot going on right now. I have my usual feelings of anxiety/panic, and maybe feeling a bit helpless. There are lot of unknowns going on right now, that I don't have any control over. Darn right I'm scared.
Originally Posted by Gerda
You are doing the best you can to hold house and home and child together after the man you trusted with house, home, heart, child, future, being grandparents, building a home, etc., after that guy pulled not the entire rug out but the entire foundation of the house in which the floor was on which the rug was lying. That is what you are scared of, not BIL.
Yes. I am doing the best I can. XH has certainly shaken the foundation alright. And how far will he take this is what I'm scared of. Will the walls stand or will the building collapse? Will he just be a ghost and ignore all of my messages?
Originally Posted by Gerda
I would just text the brother guy as if what you said about him above is true, that he is a decent guy who knows the truth about both of you and that he is a guy who cares about you and his niece.
Or pretend one of your friends here has a way to get in touch with him. What would you say to one of us?
Hey, Gerda, I really have to get exH to sign this paper so I can talk to the mortgage lenders, and the deadline is this weekend, but I haven't heard back from him in a couple weeks. Do you have a way to forward the form to him and get it back to me? Sorry to bug you but it would be a huge help!
BIL (xhs brother) is a decent person that knows the truth (whatever version xh told him that includes ow/xgf). Not sure if BIL knows how to get in touch with XH, but it's worth a try. I like your examples; appreciate it
Originally Posted by Gerda
Alternatively, if there is any way for you to handle this yourself, just do that.
What I've done is continue to send partial payments, via check from XH account/our old joint account. My name is on the check too and he stated in a text that I should do this. No wrong doing there. I keep all my txt msg too, just in case.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Honestly I would just forge his sig on the doc but I know that line is going to get a lot of NO NO NO's. I would not forge a sig to get money or anything like that, but if you have to get this thing done and you can't do it without that, you are keeping the house from foreclosure, etc., then just sign it for him and forward it to him and say that you are going to send it to him with this sig unless he wants to sign it directly himself, but it has to be done asap.
I could never and would never.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
WOW. It took 8 days, but I finally got the authorization form (for the mortgage) signed by XH!
Four emails from XH ,all the same. Guess he wanted to be sure I got the form.
This means I finally have a voice on what happens with the mortgage! (that's in forbearance)
XH emailed the mortgage people & cc'd me.
I'm sending this form in by fax as well tomorrow. I need action on this ASAP. I feel like an email would just sit there. Sending a fax reminds me of "dial up". Wish it made the same noise, but at least it makes some noise, and a person has to pick it up and read it, and DO something with it.
What should the FAX Cover say? "Help make my day and get this authorized asap and contact me by email, phone, text, mail, carrier pigeon when it's complete."
Happy New Year
Yes. It will be.
Keeping positive.
And still breathing...
Last edited by CanBird; 12/31/2009:54 AM.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
I'm very happy that you finally got the authorization form and can now fax it to the financial institution and not involve anyone else in reminding your xh to sign the document and get it back to you.
CanBird, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Your xh was a broken man and he needs to fix himself. Ring out the old year and look forward to a new year with an open heart. It's a new chapter in your book of life and we look forward to walking that path w/you as you travel in the next 12 months.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
A furthering upon the fear you and Gerda were discussing:
Originally Posted by CanBird
I know I've done nothing wrong. There's just a lot going on right now. I have my usual feelings of anxiety/panic, and maybe feeling a bit helpless. There are lot of unknowns going on right now, that I don't have any control over. Darn right I'm scared.
Originally Posted by CanBird
Yes. I am doing the best I can. XH has certainly shaken the foundation alright. And how far will he take this is what I'm scared of. Will the walls stand or will the building collapse? Will he just be a ghost and ignore all of my messages?
The unknown and uncertain future. We do tend to imagine the less positive possible outcomes, which then trigger our emotional response of panic and fear.
Originally Posted by CanBird
WOW. It took 8 days, but I finally got the authorization form (for the mortgage) signed by XH!
See how you are not scared of this anymore?
Instantly, with the authorization form signed, those imagined possibilities blinked out of existence and so did your fears regarding them. Makes one think doesn’t it? Think vs feel. Why was so scared? Exactly what was I scared of? (If you decide to look into that, be accurate and look deep.)
Fear is funny stuff. Completely real, and kind of not.
Part of fearless is a rational realization of the uncertain future and embracing that uncertainty. Embracing the possibilities. Embracing and promoting the good possibilities as well as preparing for the less positive ones.
Most times, the bad possibilities do not happen. And when they do, our course is not nearly as bad as we imagined it.
I’m glad XH got this signed and has the process moving along.
Originally Posted by CanBird
I'm sending this form in by fax as well tomorrow. I need action on this ASAP. I feel like an email would just sit there.
Feelings.
In actuality, or with what I’ve observed at my work place, email is the best choice for correspondence. FAX, and the cool noise, are more easily missed. Yes, someone has to do something with it, but first they have to get it. Business has emails right a people’s desk; the FAX is checked once in a while.
The from is sent in. In a few days it will be processed and all will be back on track and organized again.
A good start for the new year. Bring it on 2021, I’m ready!
You got this.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Tending to the Ducks: Yesterday morning started early, with me on the phone to see if the authorization form XH sent in to mortgage servicers was actually received & valid. It was indeed valid and I was able to take action. No need to fax anything...lol.. I was surprised the authorization happened so quick. In the past it took a few days. I did not consult with XH on the action, as it did not require him to do anything. Things are still the same with this Duck.
The servicers will be sending a package on future options. These future options are how to get out of forbearance. Neither of us can move forward without tackling this Duck. The option to pay "owed payments" would be the best option, if feasible. XH should be responsible for this. However, if it needs to be a split debut, then so be it.
Regarding the other options, I won't go into detail, but I did ask a lot of questions, and took a lot of notes (as always). Bottom line for the other options; I can fill out the forms, but XH's signature is needed, as he is the borrower. We'll tend to that duck as needed.
I did not contact XH after my conversation. I had intended to, but a conversation with a good friend changed my mind. She said, "XH is a big boy, you do not need to hold his hand. If he wants to know what's going on, he can find out". There was a part of me (the nice mothering part) that wanted to share with XH, but she's right. XH never asked me to do anything, never asked me to update him, so why would I?
After that conversation, I felt pretty good. Had a few more conversations with my "Support Team". Amen for them. Everyone on this forum is part of that team and I am blessed for the continued support through this journey.
D4 and I had a lovely playdate for a few hours. We both enjoyed ourselves & got some hand sparklers given to us for later. Before we hunkered down for the afternoon, we picked up some pizza for our New Years feast. When we got home we took a much needed and appreciated dip in the pool. It was a really nice afternoon, followed by pizza dinner on our tiny front porch. Once the sun was down, the sparklers came out! D4 had SO much fun. I took a lot of joy in seeing her face light up. Our neighbors informed us that their teen & his friends would be putting on a BIG fireworks show and to get our lawn chairs out! D4 was over the moon with excitement, as was I. I love fireworks. We live on a cul-de-sac, so it's the perfect street for shows like this. The boys did not disappoint. At one point we took a break to video chat with Step-MIL, and then we got to see the really BIG bangs go off. Actually, the really big bangs when on all night. We we're before midnight, and as the clock brought in the New Year, BANG BANG BANG!!! WOW! The night sky lite up! Saw a few twinkles in the sky, but the sounds of celebration could be heard everywhere! It was quite amazing.
I have to back track a bit and share what Step-MIL had to say regarding XH. She asked if we had heard from him, and do we know where he is. XH has not had any contact with his father or his Step-M. They have been reaching out since Christmas and have not heard a thing. I shared what contact we did have with XH, on Christmas. We don't know where he is. I said to Step-MIL, that's on him, what he does or doesn't do. Both of us wonder why. XH father and Step-M think there is more going on with XH then we know. (No surprise there, right?) Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. XH is still on his MLC journey, trying to figure things out. That's his journey, his to figure out, not ours. Sure we can wonder, and speculate, but will we ever really know for sure? I know his family is hurting, but I'm glad they know as much as I do about XH.
ANY way. That's in the past, right!
Happy New Year. One Day At A Time.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
This morning, D4 and I were cuddling on the couch, in a cozy blanket, both of us had just gotten up. She asked about her dad.
Big thanks to one of you on this forum who told me to remain calm when I talked to D4 about her dad. I was thinking of this the whole time & it helped me keep it together. A few tears slipped out, but D4 didn't notice.
D4: When is daddy coming home? When am I going to see him?
The moment felt right. It was time to explain to D4 that daddy was not coming home.
Me: Remember mommy use to wear a ring because daddy & I were married... D4: I remember; I miss that ring. It's pretty.
Me: Well.. maybe you can wear it when your older, when you get married. Mommy doesn't wear that ring anymore because her and daddy aren't married anymore. We're still married to you, daddy & I love YOU the same. I'm not sure when you'll see your daddy...
D4: Is daddy still working? Is he in AK?
Me: Daddy is finished work. He might be Ak, I'm not really sure. Daddy is doing his own thing. He's not going to be living here with us, he's going to have his own place.
D4: Where is he going to live? I'm not going to see him? (she got teary eyed for a split second,,,,)
Me: I'm not sure where he's going to live, but you and I will still be living together. Daddy and I are divorced; we are not married anymore.
(*I then gave her a few examples of friends she knows, that have divorced parents. Then we talked about a few of her cousins...and I even talked about her daddy's parents, how they divorced and and remarried. D4 actually said, "so you could find someone else and get married! And I could have a new daddy?" She was excited at this news.)
*Back to where daddy will live* I was truthful, and said I wasn't sure. He's traveling and figuring things out.*
D4: Maybe he'll live on a boat! Me: Maybe.... or maybe he'll take a rocket ship to the moon!
(*the conversation turned very silly... D4 & I came up with some funny places daddy could live)
On a bus.. in a treehouse, in a pineapple under the sea, .... my favorites that D4 came up with: maybe he's a (cartoon reference) and he's on a secret mission! ... with Peter Pan & Lost Boys in Neverland.
D4 had me laughing with the places she came up with. I'm SO pleased at how the conversation went. I'm not worried about saying the word divorce in front of her. She understands what that means for our family. "No boys in this house! Girls only!"...lol... her words... not mine. She is a firecracker, and so wise & strong.
*Side note: The last few days, she's been saying, "Mom.... I have/live a sad life..... it's just you and I. I don't see any of my family... (the Covid Blues/ depression I'm thinking)/... ".But we have friends that are like family, and that makes me happy. But I do miss my family (ie grandparents mostly).* I've always been matter of fact with D4, and explain life to her, on her level. She understands Covid and there are rules to in place that restrict us from doing things like we use to and that we are not the only ones feeling sad. Her little friend has been feeling the "Covid-Blues" lately too. Glad that they have each other. Yesterday, when we had a playdate, D4 & her bff4, talked about being blue. D4 said that even though she can't see her biological family, her bff & bffs mommy where like family, and that makes her happy. Bffs mommy and I were almost in tears hearing this conversation. So glad we have them too.*
That's all for now.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
