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Steve,

I don't think you understand. You should NEVER EVER EVER consider being in a relationship with this W ever again.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Steve_ Offline OP
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Yeah LH, I was really thinking about that hard yesterday. Like even if everything went great and I did everything right that still wont fix her moral compass.

Just like CW said about girls who cheat "when they are happy they will probably be loyal but the second you stop putting you best foot forward they are out lining up your replacement or hitting up a male orbiter"

I really thought to myself, I know I could do XY and Z because of all the stuff Ive learned I did wrong in the last couple months reading all this stuff and working on my shortcomings, NGS, ETC, but it wouldnt do a damn thing about her and no matter how awesome of an H I can be that doesn't make her a better W. I do see that, and I have really thought about that a lot.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/23/20 07:18 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Do your friends and family know everything shes done to you? I just cant imagine there is anyone in the world that cares about you, would want her back in your life and be hopeful for it.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
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Steve_ Offline OP
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They do, one of her sisters is like dude... RUN... i know its my own sister and I know we all want you with her because your so good to her and the kids but what she did is F'd up.

The rest of the fam pretty much wants her to come back to the M, tells her how good she had it, etc. I thought I would actually have to try hard to get that support and for her to see she F'd up. Actually I did not at all. Now that things are turning slowing toward recon I feel like its a bad idea. No matter how much I love this woman I dont really want to look over my shoulder the rest of my life. Nothing I ever did deserved this response from her. Scary as it is being on my own and kids being back n forth and stuff I do want to honestly be happy and I know that if WW and I were to reconcile the chances of her doing this again down the road are very high. It almost took me down this time, cant do it again. If I could know for sure somehow she would never do it, then I would be okay but the truth is that life has no garuntees. Even if I did everything perfect still she could just do it again. I dont think I could live with that.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Jun 2019
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Now that things are turning slowing toward recon I feel like its a bad idea. . Even if I did everything perfect still she could just do it again.

Hi Steve_,

Yes, her cheating 6x tells us her ethical code permits lying and cheating and they weren't exceptional. It might be different if you had an open marriage--e.g., you agreed or wanted her to date or sleep with some of those men. It might be different if this were her first or second time cheating. Based on your description of her and the situation, there's little to no reason to reconcile. Dropping her like a bad hangover means you get to focus on an amazing life for Steve_, and find someone who values monogamy.



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Steve, its ok to feel hurt by all that your STBXW has done to you. This will take time and work, unfortunately it may always linger in some small way, just like a scar. The quicker you give the original injury the proper care, the better and less obvious the scar will be.

But please don't confuse that hurt for the need to have her back.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Steve_, just wanted to commend you on the progress you've made!! When you came here you were against IC, living in your in-laws house, and so on the hook to your STBXW that you could hardly stand on your own. Now you're in IC, you are in your own place, and you are making progress in detaching from her. It is awesome to see the progress! Like R2C is fond of saying, keep DBing!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Been Dbing for a week or so now, but at this juncture its confusing.

WW told me her and OM aren't going to work. She doesn't want to sit at home and watch his kids, he is going to move out and she has distanced herself from him. She wants me to move in after he moves out and "start over" becoming friends, living with each other and go from there. Agreed not to see or talk to other men when that happens.

She told me she isn't sure when he will move out and told me to see other people if I want until then and If I meet someone else better to not come back to her but If I don't she wants to pretty much start over.
So this is confusing. On one hand it sounds good to me and I would like my family back and a fresh start, on the other it sounds like a trap, like ill always be a plan B and like probably it will happen again. I am hesitant to even think about it since 100 things can happen between now and when OM is able to get his house from his LBW and move out. Essentially WW is warming up to me and talking about buying a house in the future etc etc.. I am just sitting here not believing the stuff she is saying. IDK what is wrong with her mind.

I told her we don't need to discuss this anymore, and ended that conversation, I said "if that time comes we can talk about it then" there is really no need to go over and over something that can chance 1,000 times. Its like worrying about the milk that hasn't spilled yet.

I am finally becoming detatched and she says all this crap. I am still not spending Xmas with her and my kids she is still spending it with OM. I have no reason to do anymore for her than I already have. I am actually okay by myself without the drama in my life, its easy, simple. Just work and kids and that's all. I am okay with that. I told her that too. Ill let you guys know whatever comes up but at this time I don't even really care anymore, nothing she does surprises me at this point. This woman is so self centered and lost in her own head she cant see 5 feet in front of her. Im good with my simple life right now.

And I spent my Xmas eve with my kids, it was great they had fun and said "it was the best day ever" That was nice to hear from the little ones.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,457
Likes: 58
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Yeah Steve_, I agree with you. Proceed with caution. If this was the first go around with everything I'd encourage you to be open to it with conditions. But she just seems so incapable of long term commitment. I also think it's troubling that it's "things are not working out with OM so I'm going go fall back to you". If I were you I'd want a little more enthusiasm and desire than what she seems to be projecting.

If you do consider, please have some very hard and fast conditions. Make her prove she is really going to give this a shot. Things like she gets IC. She agrees to MC. She agrees to full transparency. Id rather you just walk and never look back, but I also understand that the pull of keeping the family together is a strong one.

Also, sounds like Christmas Eve was a home run!! We'll done!!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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By taking her back you will guaranteeing another bomb drop. A woman cannot love a man she does not respect. Ask yourself the last time you felt respected by your wife.

Dude, her saying the words we can try again etc are appalling to me! How insulting of her! Is it really that easy for her to waltz back into your life after 5 affairs?

Steve, I know it hurts. But you are in an narc/codependent abusive relationship. You are being emotionally abused right now and you dont even know it. This woman is poison and you are addicted to her.

If getting back together with her for 6 months while she looks for a man to cheat with, then by all means sign up for another bomb drop. But if you want to change your life, meet an actual decent human being for a partner, and have complete confidence that your partner is truly loyal, RUN from this woman.

Oh and btw, you cant DB a personality disordered person. Shes mentally ill and DBing cant fix that. The wife that has cheated on you 5x is exactly who she will be until the day she dies.

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