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#2911004 12/18/20 10:43 PM
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Hi everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me out and offered words of encouragement and support. Words can't properly express how grateful I am to have found this place at just the right moment.

I'm not going to spend much time going over what happened in my sit. I'm at a place where rehashing what happened over and over again only serves to confuse my path going forward, and I don't want to do that. I would recommend for others to glean what they can from the beginning of my sit - and you'll be able to see the progress and the setbacks that have happened along the way smile

Things have stabilized in my sit since late last year/early this year. I have been IHS for around 2 years, BD1 was around 2.5 years ago. I am in what could be considered the marathon phase - though i view it as "living my life". Standing is what I want to be doing, though I don't know if its standing or simply appreciating the calm and the quiet.

I am currently working on forgiving myself and WAW - internally. I do not want to be angry or resentful for the rest of my life. There are many wonderful things about life, and I am working on focusing on those and PMA.

So instead of rehashing everything again - if there are any newcomers or others out there who have questions - ill be happy to try and answer them to the best of my ability.

Take care everyone - stay strong smile

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I,

I’m glad you’re doing well. Your situation is certainly unique and I do not think I’ve seen any quite like yours.

What would it take from your w for reconciliation?

Does she ever talk about the future and what it looks like?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Good Morning IW

You stated very well the next stage you are entering - the shift of focus from looking back to looking now and forward. If you notice it’s a shift of your focus; not an absolute band on reflecting. A healthy shift, a needed shift, and an explanation for some of that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Letting go of our clinging to our past, takes time and a willingness to accomplish. You are walking the path. Well done!

This is making peace with our past events, not ignoring them. We focus upon the present and future, while accepting that which has brought us to this place and time.

It was wonderful to read your determined approach to not rehash. It is very encouraging and a good sign when one feels, thinks, and believes, that rehashing is just confusing their path. To me, that is when one is near the shoreline of the muck and bog they’ve been slogging their way through.

To be clear, it takes a certain amount of rehashing, reliving, and such, to find our peace and acceptance, to find our way to let go and continue to move forward. We all need to slog through the swamp for a while, as we all have things we need to learn. Your path is normal and healthy.

Originally Posted by IronWill
I am currently working on forgiving myself and WAW - internally. I do not want to be angry or resentful for the rest of my life. There are many wonderful things about life, and I am working on focusing on those and PMA.

Good!

That is an excellent heading and goal. This is very much for you. And you are worth all the effort is takes for you to find forgiveness - both for her and yourself. (((Hug)))

Unfortunately, as I’ve mused about often, society doesn’t lean towards forgiveness. News, social media, commercials, politics, laws, everyday interactions all have a judgemental slant. Of course society requires laws and rules and the ability to judge and settle disputes. However, by and large, our default views from almost all angles feds our egos and our need to be right. It’s everywhere, from the games we play on our phone to the news broadcast we listen to on our way to work. We get used to it, and our ego get an appetite that can become voracious.

Sadly, we are taught and believe forgiveness to be rare and hard, or almost impossible to come be. Please listen and realize your views regarding forgiving - change this belief within yourself. Make forgiveness possible. See and imagine how it can happen for you. It is the first and needed step in its creation.

Forgiveness is completely within you to find. There is nothing required from W for you to forgive her. And like most of our path - we are that which is in our way. We block our progress and our finding of forgiveness. Our egos block it.

Originally Posted by IronWill
I do not want to be angry or resentful for the rest of my life.

Exactly.

Do you realize just how much people actually do (unwittingly) want to be angry and resentful? How much we are programmed to believe that way? How most people define their life by their “strong” feelings. Anger, vengeance, grudges and so on feel “strong”. They have a powerful force about them. However, that is a lie. Their strength requires constant reinforcement, after all those are feelings.

True strength - love, peace, joy, happiness, and yes forgiveness do not have that feeling of power. They are power. One does not just feel, one lives them. Those tenets become self-asserting and self-reinforcing. It is akin to faith. Live in the light.

Forgiveness is freeing. It’s so amazing once you see it, and find your way.

And in my humble opinion, you are doing very well.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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Originally Posted by unchien
IW ~ Sorry to hear you are having a rough go of it lately. You helped me through some hard times the past 18 months and that is something I will never forget.

You have also helped me very much, U. I am alright - I will be ok. The holidays since BD have been awkward and strange, and to feel my family pulling away at about the same time has been tough. It is ironic that the friends I have made in the community W and I relocated to all those years ago have still been more supportive than any of my family have since BD. It feels like living in an upside down world. But ill be ok

I'm glad my words were able to help you. Thanks you as well smile

Originally Posted by unchien
I sense that you are seeking a breakthrough in emotional awareness/intelligence. For me, a super analytical person who mostly boxed away his emotions in the past... letting go of the wheel has helped more than IC, meditation, or anything else in the past year. I kind of gave up and decided if my brain couldn't resolve these issues I've been aware of my whole adult life, then maybe my brain trying to resolve the issues is a big part of the issue.

That is an interesting way to look at it. It resonates very much. I've had to keep repeating that same mantra over and over again when the spinning starts. Letting go has been and continues to be a lesson to learn in both our lives it seems.

Quote
Not saying that is what is going on with you, I just wanted to share, bounce ideas off you. I don't come here very often anymore, partly because my situation progressed, but also partly because it was feeding into my tendency to overthink about things.


Yes you hit the nail on the head. But we are who we are. And we did not break our S, in spite of our shortcomings and anxiety.

You did what you thought was the best with the information you had at the time. So did I. It is impossible to predict what could have happened. Perhaps it was easier for me without kids, but is more challenging in IHS. Perhaps it was harder for you with kids, easier with physical separation. Who knows.

It is good to hear from you. I come back to post occasionally - when I feel strong enough. Sometimes it takes days or weeks now, that's how slowly things move. But it is good to have an outlet i think.

Take care U - stay strong, man smile

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Hi IW,

Thinking about meditating, I am not a skilled meditator by any means-- it is about all I can do to try to quiet my brain for a few minutes-- but I did travel to India last year and participate in a 10 day yoga/meditation program where we tried a whole bunch of different meditation practices. There was one called Antar Mouna that is about letting suppressed feelings rise and be acknowledged and felt and released. It was quite intense but I wonder if it could be helpful for you.

The other one I was thinking of for you is one I experienced through the Compassion Institute, called loving kindness. If you're explicitly working on forgiveness for you and your W, that might be one that is also helpful for you. A guided loving kindness meditation should be relatively easy to find, probably easier than antar mouna (I know a number of the meditation apps have a loving kindness practice) but I did a quick google search on antar mouna and there look to be some guided practices online that you can download for a small fee.

I don't know if this is helpful at all and I don't mean to be pushy. Just an idea, if meditation is helping, that perhaps there could be more benefit by exploring various practices there.

Thinking of you as we move into the holidays.

xx M


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D11
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
9/20-present R attempt #2
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Originally Posted by Steve85

So yes deep thinking, which a lot of us are blessed with, does have both a positive and negative. I have found that deep thinking causes me to over-think things sometimes. I can remember when I used to play hockey. I played so much better when I just reacted, and didn't think. When I started overthinking things I would turn the puck over, or pass when I should have shot and shot when I should have passed. But when I stopped thinking and just reacted I would score multiple goals and setup my teammates for goals. DBing is a lot like that. Though I try to tell LBSs not to react, but to respond. Reaction tend to be intuitive. Push for pull. But stopping, considering, not overthinking, then responding based on what you know is the right course of action.


Hi Steve- thanks for stopping by.

I can relate to this very much. Thinking can get in the way and end up paralyzing you, this is very true.

Learning not to react in an emotional situation, while simultaneously not overthinking, is a habit that takes time to learn. When we are first LBS, we do not have the capacity to understand how this works. But the great part of "limbo" if you want to call it that, is that LBS have the time - all the time they want - to work on things like that.

It goes back to the "time is a gift" quote. I've found that simple quote one of the most profound on this site.

Originally Posted by LH19
I,

I’m glad you’re doing well. Your situation is certainly unique and I do not think I’ve seen any quite like yours.

What would it take from your w for reconciliation?

Does she ever talk about the future and what it looks like?


Hi LH - good to hear from you. I had written a response to you but it disappeared into the cloud somehow.

I'm not really allowing myself to think about recon much. I'm living day by day and not worrying about what will happen tomorrow. The pandemic has had a large part in that - everything became too confusing and intertwined so I just dropped it.

I felt much better when I did.

But to answer your question, it would be the basics. And it would involve both of us. Communication. Trust. Honesty. Friendship. Commitment.

Are those possible going forward? I don't know. I think I would like to try, but it would have to be new, and it would take 2 people. Right now its not there yet. Speculating on the future hasn't happened either. But things are much calmer, and given everything else that's going on in the world right now I am grateful for that

smile

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Originally Posted by DnJ
Good Morning IW

You stated very well the next stage you are entering - the shift of focus from looking back to looking now and forward. If you notice it’s a shift of your focus; not an absolute band on reflecting. A healthy shift, a needed shift, and an explanation for some of that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Letting go of our clinging to our past, takes time and a willingness to accomplish. You are walking the path. Well done!

This is making peace with our past events, not ignoring them. We focus upon the present and future, while accepting that which has brought us to this place and time.

It was wonderful to read your determined approach to not rehash. It is very encouraging and a good sign when one feels, thinks, and believes, that rehashing is just confusing their path. To me, that is when one is near the shoreline of the muck and bog they’ve been slogging their way through.


Hi D -

This situation has been a long journey so far. I feel like I am making up a lot of it because nothing seems to fit with any of the cookie-cutter descriptors here. It is comforting to realize that I am not alone and that there are aothers out there who are choosing the same path.

From personal experience watching my parents split and them live in hate and anger for over 30 years follow their D, i can assure anyone reading this that living through those emotions and reinforcing them will only serve to make you miserable for the rest of your life. I have seen it first hand and it is quite saddening.

That is not to say that acceptance comes easy ,quickly or without doubts. I deal with my MR past events on a regular basis. It is a choice to change the thinking - to stop the spinning and let the thoughts pass without burrowing into them that will help build acceptance.

Still a work in progress. smile

Originally Posted by D

Unfortunately, as I’ve mused about often, society doesn’t lean towards forgiveness. News, social media, commercials, politics, laws, everyday interactions all have a judgemental slant. Of course society requires laws and rules and the ability to judge and settle disputes. However, by and large, our default views from almost all angles feds our egos and our need to be right. It’s everywhere, from the games we play on our phone to the news broadcast we listen to on our way to work. We get used to it, and our ego get an appetite that can become voracious.

Sadly, we are taught and believe forgiveness to be rare and hard, or almost impossible to come be. Please listen and realize your views regarding forgiving - change this belief within yourself. Make forgiveness possible. See and imagine how it can happen for you. It is the first and needed step in its creation.

Forgiveness is completely within you to find. There is nothing required from W for you to forgive her. And like most of our path - we are that which is in our way. We block our progress and our finding of forgiveness. Our egos block it.


This is a very important read. New LBS - if you're reading, memorize this. It doesn't mean to be a pushover, or be lax on your boundaries. But it will give you peace of mind that you did the right thing.

Its not easy - but it is the right thing to do.

Originally Posted by D


Do you realize just how much people actually do (unwittingly) want to be angry and resentful? How much we are programmed to believe that way? How most people define their life by their “strong” feelings. Anger, vengeance, grudges and so on feel “strong”. They have a powerful force about them. However, that is a lie. Their strength requires constant reinforcement, after all those are feelings.


You know people family friends and everyone who knows my sit have been surprised that I have not gone down the anger route. They don't know why I am doing what I am doing when I could get back at W or some have even suggested to get revenge by being with someone else (how on earth that would help is mind boggling to me). That i "deserve" to be treated so much better.

To them I say none of us "deserve" anything in this life. people treat us the way we let them treat us. Behaving like someone else just to get back at them seems like the very definition of insanity.

There is another way. I choose that road. Yes others may ridicule or scoff but it just feels like the righth thing to do.

If W leaves, then who am I to stop her from leaving. That is someone's elses choice - that is their life to lead. Me being angry about it won't change it and definitely won't make W want to come back.

Compassion seems like the right way to go and I have a clear conscience because of it.

Originally Posted by D

Forgiveness is freeing. It’s so amazing once you see it, and find your way.

And in my humble opinion, you are doing very well.

D


Thanks D. I have good days and bad. Forgiveness is a process and I'm likely to be learning how to forgive for quite some time.

I appreciate your words. Take care smile

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Hello IW

Getting revenge by being with someone else. I totally agree with you - how would that be helpful in anyway?

You’ve seen the anger and hatred that can follow divorce. You know you do not want that. And you know something better is possible.

IronWill, I am proud of you and the path you’ve chosen to follow. Compassion and a clear conscience.

Stand tall my friend. You are strong. Be the stanchion; in your life and in other’s.

Merry Christmas.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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IW, your strength, patience and perseverance is an inspiration! In a world that wants what it wants when it wants it, you're proof that not getting what you want immediately will not kill you! Thanks for staying around and Journaling and posting. I draw many similarities between our situations. Probably the biggest difference being that I was an awful husband, and that me turning my bad behavior around had the ability to impact my sitch quicker than most. I've not weighed in much on your threads because you've seemed to have a good handle on things all along!

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I admired you and to encourage you! Hope you had a very Merry Christmas and that you have a great New Year.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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