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DnJ #2911146 12/22/20 05:23 PM
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Validation and boundaries.

Validation is the act of proving something accurate or valid. It is also the declaration of the acceptability or legality of something. It is also the affirmation and recognition of a person, their feelings, and/or their opinion is worthwhile or valid.

It is the later of those definitions that is the basis of emotional intelligence and empathy. It is being able to validate someone’s feelings that demonstrates your own high emotional quotient (EQ vs IQ).

Validating does not demand you agree with or condone someone’s choices. Validating is simply affirming and acknowledging that person’s feelings and choice. Seeing their emotions as real and true, for it is to them.

We validate feelings. We place boundaries on disrespectful behaviours.

A person’s emotions are real. Validating someone is listening to them. Invalidating rejects, ignores, and judges them. Invalidating someone’s emotions never ends well. It belittles, and tells them they are worthless; which says much about the person doing the invalidating. And our minds and hearts are always listening.

A person’s feelings are true. They are real. And they can and will change. And not by our actions or inactions. A person’s feelings change from within themselves, just like they are created.

Our spouses and their betrayal and faithlessness and cheating and so on; yes it is difficult to validate. Why?

The difficulty arises from our own feelings. Consider validation and empathy from a purely intellectual viewpoint. The wisdom of acting from an enlightened empathetic position would be desirable to achieve whatever goals one is after. Especially those goals for ourselves. Those internal noble goals like forgiveness of self and spouse.

Validate and see your spouses emotions as real. For there are. If you choose to try to make their feeling untrue or invalid it fails. That is working towards denial not acceptance.

Yes, our spouses are driven by their emotions. And they usually, by a very high margin, make poor immoral choices and act upon those. Affairs are incredible commonplace for MLCers. As well as becoming poor, dismal, or even an absent parent. They become terrible friends and start displaying rebellious disrespectful behaviour of a spoiled teenager with a large bank account.

Again, their feelings are valid.

There behaviours, the ones that affect or effect you - place a boundary on them.

You need not accept disrespect!

You need accept other’s feelings and the existence of such.

Consider this statement: I am sorry you feel that way, I can see how upset you are regarding this. However, when you yell and swear at me, I feel hurt and disrespected. I am willing to calmly discuss this with you, and will leave the room when you yell at me.

Validating their feelings and placing a boundary upon their disrespectful actions.

Empathy is an interesting path. The ability to “feel” someone else, to connect, is key to all interactions. Most times it is managed more or less pretty well.

With our spouse, we are embroiled in a high emotional storm, and our own empathy is difficult to find regarding their feelings. Of course, the MLCer’s empathy chip is broken and we need to usually pull double duty to find calm. It is therefore even more critical to validate - critical for yourself!

Yes, validation is a good tool for dealing with our spouse. However, like most advice, it is highly counterintuitive at first, and it is for you. Everything we do is for us, first and foremost. If our marriages are saved or rebuilt or reconciled, that is a bonus.

Boundaries are for you. Validating is for you. To heal you. To find your peace. To find your beliefs.

Now, at first we don’t believe in validating such “bad” emotions. No. In clarity, we are believing we are validating the “bad” behaviours. We do tie the behaviours and the feelings of our spouses together. One needs to untie that.

To find acceptance and peace, one has to accept someone else’s feelings. It is part of the path. It’s part of the definition of acceptance. When you are unaccepting of their feelings then you don’t find acceptance. Some part will always be there inside you - fighting, judging, going against your spouse’s or ex-spouse’s feelings. It’s a poison to your soul.

My XW has the right to feel whatever she does. Her feelings towards OM are valid and true. She feels for him. Oh sure, I’d like her not too. However, that doesn’t change her feelings.

So back to why is validating so difficult. It is us. Our feelings.

The only thing you control is you. We resist giving credence or truth to our wayward spouse’s feelings. It hurts us. We believe different.

In the silence of indifference find your beliefs and convictions. Search your ego and your need to be right. This particular one - the invalidation of our spouse’s feelings and choices and life, needs altering or discarding. In my humble opinion.

For me, I did not want to live with such feelings within me. I wanted forgiveness and peace, not vengeance and hatred. I strengthened beliefs that serve me. Altered and discarded beliefs and values that didn’t. And no, it’s not a walk in the park to get here.

We all have choices and make choices. We live the benefits and the consequences of our choices. I know and believe in empathy, validation, emotional understanding, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and such - I live it. I live the benefits. And so do my children and friends and coworkers and strangers I meet.

I do acknowledge and empathize where you are. I truly do. I also encourage you to consider my suggestions and path.

Validate feelings. Boundary disrespect.

Be clear with yourself about what you are doing.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911189 12/23/20 02:10 PM
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Good Morning

Brrrrrrrr.

Well maybe, if I stepped outside. The house the nice and cozy. But it is -24C or -10F right now outside with the rising sun. Not a terrible day, but a far cry from the +2C of yesterday. smile

Two more days.

I have a festive ornament that hangs on my fridge. Well I have many, this particular one is a chalk board with “<blank> Days ‘Til Christmas” painted upon it. The blank is filled in with the chalk that is hanging on the attached string. For many years the kids would count down - erase and write - the days ‘til Christmas.

Today is two days. I sent a picture to everyone, kids and parents, of today’s status. Grandpa responded right away, at 6:30 am. Lol.

He asked if I would send some videos of my tree. He has been telling his nurse about it and would like to show it. And, of course, he would like to watch them as well. So I sent a bunch of videos of some of the different patterns and the lighting themes I am using. I also sat down and recorded a few Christmas songs on the piano and sent those as well. All before breakfast or even waking up much. Kind of like Christmas Day!

It’s cold and dark, and yet it’s a bright warm day around here.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911287 12/24/20 01:51 PM
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Good Christmas Eve Morn to You

Lol. Awake at 4:30 am. Got up at 5:30 am.

S20 arrived yesterday and we visited and chatted until midnight. You’d think I’d sleep in.

When he arrived at 2 in the afternoon yesterday, right after we hugged and greeted, he told me about Mom. Laughing and shaking his head, he read the texts between him and Mom.

Earlier, XW texts him about bring his Christmas gift out to him in city.

S20 tells Mom that when D18 drops off everyone’s gifts for her that she could just pick up his gift.

D18 goes to BF’s on Friday. Stops by OM’s house and drops off gifts for Mom. No gifts from Mom. Not for her, not for anyone.

Monday.

Mom: I have a gift for you. I will be in city in a few days. I can come and drop it off.

S20: I’m coming out to Dad’s so I won’t be home.

Mom: Ok.

Tuesday.

Mom: I have a gift for you. I’ll be out tomorrow and can drop it off.

S20 considers not responding, but Mom would show up and probably just leave whatever she has outside his door, and no one would be there.

S20: I’m coming out home today to be with Dad. D18 is at BF’s home. So no one will be at our place in city.

Mom: Oh. Ok.

Wednesday.

Mom: I have a gift for you. Do you want me to drop it off?

S20: No. I’m leaving for Dad’s. D18 is coming to Dad’s. I’m bring her a gift that arrived in the mail and she can stop by and pick it the gift on her way by.

D18 arrived at my house. No gift. Picks up her packages.

(SMH)

Oh well. S20, D18, BF, and me visit briefly. Daughter and boyfriend return to his place. Find out Mom delivered D18’s gifts to BF’s house on Tuesday.

Son and I go sit on the couch and talk about university. (Which he got 4.3 in all his classes. Dean’s honour roll. President’s society. And probably some scholarships.)

Mom: I’m in city running some errands do you want me to drop by and drop off your gift?

Lol.

S20: No. I’m at Dad.

Mom: Oh. Ok.

(Slap forehead). Sheesh. If she would read any of the preceding lines in the text conversation she’d see that he is not in the city, he is here.

S20 realizes the obvious “not going according to her plan” of all this. Mom has an idea and he (and fate) is not playing along. Son tells me it is plain that Mom is trying to force a visit with him.

I agree. And I mention that it is strange that she is texting him, since she will only talk on the phone with S22. No texts or video conversations with him, but for S20 it is no phone and just text. S20 shakes his head as well.

Anyhow, we are invited to grandma’s for supper and have a wonderful meal and a visit. At 9:30 pm, just as we are thinking about leaving, S20 gets a text from mom.

Mom: Do you want to come over and pick up your gift?

We drove over to grandma’s in my car, so I told son that we can stop on the way home if he wants. He laughed and said he doesn’t plan on being able to drive for the next week, so we might as well do it tonight.

S20: We’ll be there in ten minutes.

(It was “I’ll be there...”, but he changed it to “we’ll...”. Lol. That is definitely not going according to her plan.)

We say our goodbyes and leave. Arriving at OM’s yard site on time. By the way, this is the first time I’ve ever been there. As described, the house is small. I drive in and turn around, placing the passenger door by the walkway to the door. S20 goes to the door. He has little intention of visiting. I count the seconds after the door opens. I get to eleven. S20 leaves with a box of gifts.

He tells me, he has his gifts from Mom. And a gift for grandma, my Mom, from XW. Huh? Nothing for grandpa. Nothing for me (that is rather obvious). But a gift for her XMIL. I’ve no idea what XW’s thinking, she hasn’t spoken to my mom since S20’s graduation over two years ago.

We found it rather interesting and odd that Mom had his gift ready to drop off, then it wasn’t ready to be picked up, and then it was ready again. D18’s gifts weren’t available when she dropped by and Mom had to deliver her gifts to her at BF’s place. We suspect XW’s errands yesterday would be delivering S22’s gifts. That “visit” would be short as well, S22 is not interested in visiting with her and he is working from home.

I think Mom’s being Santa is coming from a different place than my shuttling of presents around. Shrug. Oh well. She is rather transparent to all involved.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911291 12/24/20 03:28 PM
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D,

This is such a confusing and sad exchange between XW and your children. Events like this make it easier for the LBS to have compassion for them. They are lost. All we can do is hope they find themselves some day.

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2911298 12/24/20 06:01 PM
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I really got confused reading the exchange and had to re-read it again. The wiring in her brain is a jumbled mess. I pray that she gets her act together at some point, but she's been at it for quite some time.

Merry Christmas to you and your family! You are a shining light to so many here.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
DnJ #2911305 12/25/20 02:08 AM
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Hello Taz

Yes, XW is a lost soul. Not much for one to do but be compassionate.


Hi job

I agree. XW’s wiring is pretty scrambled.


I actual have a break in the movie S20 and I are watching. XW just texted S20. The rest of his present arrived in the mail and she asked if she could bring it over. (Here to my house) Or if he wants to come and get it. He decided to go pick it up. He and I discussed the pros and cons of her coming over - yeah probably not a great thing for her; or maybe it would be. At any rate, he is going over to pick the items up.

S20 returned in about 10 minutes. Mom had his gift ready. And she invited him in for a visit. S20 said no thanks. She then came out into the -25C and around -37C windchill and asked a few questions. How are you? Should we have a get together tomorrow? A video conference of all the kids Christmas Day?. His answers were short. I’m fine type thing. Her desperation is apparent. Imagine trying to arrange a video conference for tomorrow the night before.

In less than a minute XW was too cold and she had to head inside. They said goodbye and S20 came back home. He told me of the visit. I asked him point blank - do you want to see your Mom? He said no.

We talked a bit of compassion and the detachment/indifference that accompanies compassion. He is in a good place.

We finished our movie and I then made supper. We had far too much of a stir fry dish I whipped together. Lol.

I fed the dogs and took them for a walk down the dark driveway. OMG, the wind is blowing so hard. It is cold!!! One trip up and down the lane and back in the pen. My forehead is still cold.

S20 is currently playing on the piano. God, I miss the noises, the sounds, and the music. He plays beautifully, such a soulful touch. I just told him so, by the way. smile

I do miss W. She is so lost. Christmas Eve she realizes that there are no plans on seeing her. I suspect she feels sad and hurt somewhat. Maybe even a lost. It is heartbreaking. A crisis is a terrible thing.

Dear God, please help her find her way.


My friends, may you be blessed. Peace to all.

Merry Christmas.

DnJ


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911308 12/25/20 03:52 AM
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((DnJ)) That music you hear that brings you joy, the music S20 makes and the joy he brings you—all I can think is that XW is missing out on that music. But she ventured out into the bitter cold for a moment with S20. Who is to say where she might venture in the future? I do hope she will be guided.

Merry Christmas, DnJ.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
DnJ #2911319 12/25/20 03:53 PM
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Thank you cardinal.

Yes, XW ventured outward a bit more this Christmas. Reached out to the children, sort of. I’m with you, I hope she can receive some guidance.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2911320 12/25/20 04:01 PM
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Popping by to wish you a very Merry Christmas! I'm reflecting on my year, and the help and wise words and guidance you provided me. Thankful for you!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
DnJ #2911322 12/25/20 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I do miss W. She is so lost. Christmas Eve she realizes that there are no plans on seeing her. I suspect she feels sad and hurt somewhat. Maybe even a lost. It is heartbreaking. A crisis is a terrible thing.

Dear God, please help her find her way.
Big bro hug D. This time of the year is tough on all split families.

Don't be too surprised at J poking her head up and stirring around - as we know it's fairly typical of I believe all of us to look back on what was and regret the loss of what could have been.

Also keep in mind that the explosive and destructive manner of it in your case has created a rift that at present looks impossible to bridge. And her path may not lead her back towards where she was.

The past few years have changed us all and set us on paths that lead us we know not where.

I do hope that she is eventually able to rebuild a new relationship with the kids. But as we have seen in the stories of others, that doesn't always happen.

Merry Christmas D - and best wishes for a Blessed New Year.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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