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You have learned a lot in a short period of time.

The one issue I have with the DB is is the lack of timelines. I do there are regrets but they are many years down the road when it doesnít matter anymore.

You are 100% correct that the WWs behavior should never be tolerated and the LBS should be the ones walking away.

In the beginning you canít see the forest within the trees. The truth of the matter is it takes two people to make a marriage work and sometimes thatís not enough.

Iím glad you were able to love with all your heart and hope that you will heal enough to be able to do it again.


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ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by Indy470
LH,

Just reread over that and thinking about what you said about your family wasnít worth fighting for.

Thatís wrong. Your family was worth fighting for. You said vows to a person and started a family with that person under the highest level of commitment.

That is worth fighting for man. I would argue itís probably the relationship that is most worth fighting for. The problem is itís a battle where two people have to be on the same side of the fight.

Unfortunately you got a bad partner and you had to not only fight that alone but you also had to lose that fight alone.


Your family was worth it, she just didnít see it. Even if she never does it doesnít change the fact that your family was worth it.

I know youíre a strong guy, just putting my thoughts out there.


My views on a lot of this have changed so much.


It was definitely worth it for me. My kids gave me the strength many days when I wanted to give up. I would think about them every morning when I woke up to go another round.

I have no regrets. It made me the man I am today. Iím a ten times better father, son and friend then I was prior. That I am very thankful for and wouldnít change.


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LH,

It is actually surreal to look back at what happened to me in the beginning of my sitch. I mean I didnít go off the deep end, I didnít lose my job or do anything to blow up my life but in a way I blew up internally. It was the first time in my life where I didnít recognize myself. I didnít know what was going on. I didnít know what was real from the past and I couldnít figure out anything expect I needed my wife.

Of course it was all wrong

The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. Iím getting there.

In no way am I saying Iím over the hurt. It hurts daily. What Iím saying is that Iím actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, Iíve accepted it.

Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Itís not the best news but hey itís something I can work with because itís real.

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LH,


It was definitely worth it for me. My kids gave me the strength many days when I wanted to give up. I would think about them every morning when I woke up to go another round.

I have no regrets. It made me the man I am today. Iím a ten times better father, son and friend then I was prior. That I am very thankful for and wouldnít change.

I still havenít learned how to quote on here but in response to this^^^


Thatís it. Thatís the thing in life that we all get. Choice.

You chose how you reacted and you let it turn you into a better man, friend and most importantly dad.

Thatís awesome LH.

At the end of the day all we get to really do is choose who we are in each moment.

You showed up, went the distance and came out better.

Something Iíve been trying to focus on is showing up in each moment in my day, even the small things. Who do I want to be and what do I value? How can I implement those things into even the mundane task in my day to make a difference and contribute something to others.

That was definitely something I lost through this whole thing was my ability to be present.
My mind was on nothing but my wife for 6 months and although I maintained my work, school and relationships. I wasnít really there. I was on autopilot.

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Originally Posted by Indy470
LH,

It is actually surreal to look back at what happened to me in the beginning of my sitch. I mean I didnít go off the deep end, I didnít lose my job or do anything to blow up my life but in a way I blew up internally. It was the first time in my life where I didnít recognize myself. I didnít know what was going on. I didnít know what was real from the past and I couldnít figure out anything expect I needed my wife.

Of course it was all wrong

The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. Iím getting there.

In no way am I saying Iím over the hurt. It hurts daily. What Iím saying is that Iím actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, Iíve accepted it.

Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Itís not the best news but hey itís something I can work with because itís real.


I say it all the time that there is so much suffering on the board because the LBS wants the WW to be something that they are not and you can choose to ignore reality but you canít ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

All you can do is be the best you and as my quote says ď the right people who belong in your life will come and stayĒ.

Itís gonna hurt for awhile but that ok. Thatís how we learn and grow through pain and suffering.


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Nice update Indy. I am optimistic for you. In time this will all be water off the duck's back.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by Indy470
In the end for me, it didnít matter if she was still seeing OM,

The problem happened 7 months ago, when she cheated.

Her first reaction should have been remorse, regret and a willingness to give her husband whatever he needed to move forward with her.

It wasnít. It was selfishness and manipulation.

For us to have had a chance at recon it would have had to have been different from the start.

Who knows, maybe even if she started late.

But here we are 7 months later and all Iíve received is disrespect, manipulation, breadcrumbs and her ability to do what she wants regardless of how it affects others, even the one person she made a commitment too.


Indy, mate I could have written this myself, I completely understand. How does it all make you feel?


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BD & OM Jun 2020
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Originally Posted by Indy470
I think sometimes people think your harsh on here.


Some say harsh, I say honest.

Originally Posted by Indy470
I get the sense that you are a good guy.


We all harp on about actions speaking louder than words. This guy contributes only a daily basis, like I've said before, 5,700+ posts and not one thread devoted to himself. He's a good guy, blunt as fk, but a good guy.

Originally Posted by LH19
As for my ex wife I donít know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasnít worth fighting for. Thatís the part Iíll probably never get over.


This ^^^^, and I'll add to it, being hurt by the one person who was supposed to have your back.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
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Originally Posted by Indy470
The problem was it took me 7 months to figure out that who I needed was me and somewhere along the way I lost that guy and I owed it to myself to find him again. Iím getting there.

In no way am I saying Iím over the hurt. It hurts daily. What Iím saying is that Iím actually living in reality now. Instead of pining over a woman who was already gone and letting hope allow me to ignore reality, Iíve accepted it.

Now my reality is that my marriage is over and my heart is broken. Itís not the best news but hey itís something I can work with because itís real.


I actually applaud you Indy, I think 7 months is pretty quick to get past (not over) the worst hurt and heart break of your life. I think I am pretty much in the same place as you and its been about 7 months. I have accepted reality, realised that I deserve better, but like you said doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt on the regular. Maybe it always will.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by Indy470
I think sometimes people think your harsh on here.


Some say harsh, I say honest.

Originally Posted by Indy470
I get the sense that you are a good guy.


We all harp on about actions speaking louder than words. This guy contributes only a daily basis, like I've said before, 5,700+ posts and not one thread devoted to himself. He's a good guy, blunt as fk, but a good guy.

Originally Posted by LH19
As for my ex wife I donít know if she broke my heart as much as disappointed me that our family wasnít worth fighting for. Thatís the part Iíll probably never get over.


This ^^^^, and I'll add to it, being hurt by the one person who was supposed to have your back.



Much apprec Bent. Thatís my style. Others have different styles that work too. You have to pick through the advice and take the advice that works for you. I had to point out some things to Indy that no doubt stung but I wanted him to see his W for who she really is as a person.


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ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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