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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2909275&page=11
Link to previous thread.


So the last two weeks have been hell. My 7 year old boy has been acting out badly with OM. He has mentioned some things to my W that she had thought he heard from me and became infurated. He had also mentioned some things to me that she allegedly said. The poor kid wanted us to fight so we "talk" it made us fight and yeah pushed us apart.

WW pretty much said that the damage of us fighting had did it for her. By fighting she means accusing me and threatening to take my kids for me "brainwashing" them to dislike OM and his kids and be mad at her for leaving. My 6 year old is fine btw, but my 7 year old son has been pretty pissed. I constantly encourage him to behave and not punish WW for leaving. Even on facetime with WW there. I have tried to be supportive as much as I can. She blames me for crying in front of them a couple times, for saying I dislike OM when my son asked if he was still my friend. ETC, she essentially used this an excuse to tell my little boy "stop acting up, Im never going back to your dad".

I took that really hard. Really hard. I had been really good, understanding,attentive, supportive etc, for the first 2+ months and all of it crashed down when the son started really acting out. Her affectionate texts and so on stopped and finally after some discussion regarding our son's behavior and therapy options we are at best neutral. (on her end she is upset at me).

WW applauded me for my weight loss and not drinking booze. But said I am too emotionally unstable right now, she said she tried to break it off with OM a few times and create fights but then I would pull something and she would apologize to him and just stay. (doubt much of that is true). At this point she pretty much said "look dude, go be happy, if stuff doesnt work out with me and OM i know we will always come together we have a bond and kids, but dont wait on me, go experience life and so on, she said she cares for me deeply, knows its hard and hates hurting me, but she has to ride this one out with him since he is a close family friend and got in too deep too fast to just leave"

Again probably half-truths.

At this point I have decided that I am half mad at myself for trying so hard to look great and be super loving understanding man and half dissapointed i didnt just drop the rope way sooner. I have really began to understand there is not a damn thing I can do so I took a few steps.

Brought things back to Neutral with WW,
Deactivated my facebook.
refuse to discuss and R questions with children.
Ask them daily to be good to mom and tell them I love them.
Talk to therapist and friends at work who support me.
kept only snapchat where i can showcase things I do with my kids on my own terms (I do not look at WW snaps)

She since that talk sent me pics of the kids at her place doing Xmas stuff to which ive waited and then just replied with a thumbs up. She sent me a meme of star wars I did not respond to. Ive put a photo or two of a new look for me on Snap and shes looked at them, she sent me a message "looking good" I told her "so are you, really proud of your work!" and she said "thanks"

Thats it. Ive taken the emotion out. I cant actually put any in anymore, I am too dissapointed in what she has caused me and my kids and family to suffer because of her selfishness. I will be pleasant, a good father and ask my kids to behave well. But telling her I love her or miss her now makes me want to punch myself. Whenever I feel like saying anything like that I think of her with OM.

its been the first couple days since OM drop I actually stopped being emotional, using excuses for kids or anything else to express feelings. F yea I am suffering but im doing it quietly. It will take time but I will adjust. I will not backslide, and I feel pretty confident in that because she stopped the lying game of "im not sure" which did help.

I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/19/20 09:35 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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I will post again in a week and update how its going but I doubt there will a whole bunch to say. WW will be busy with OM for christmas and Ill be just working and spending X-mas eve wih my kids, taking them to the park, etc.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/19/20 09:39 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Steve,

That was a tough read man. Are you seeing your therapist on a regular basis?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by Steve_
I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.


Hey Steve, good to hear from you mate, it had a been a while and I was wondering how you had been doing. I'll be honest, I've heard you say similar things before but I really hope the above can stick. You seem like a good, caring dude who deserves better.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Steve, sorry you continue to struggle. I'm saddened that you continue to feel good or bad depending on what she is saying and doing. That's a fool's game. It's like trying to reason with a crazy person, you'll just beat your head against a wall. We've all been there and we've all learned that the sooner we emotionally detach the better. I know its easier said than done. But the first time she acts like a crazy idiot and you shrug it off, the better you'll feel and it will get easier from there. Its so empowering you'll literally feel like a man again!

There are lots of vets here that coparent with their ex, their experience can help.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Hi Steve,

Originally Posted by Steve_


I don't think my WW wife will come back, (part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore). I know one day Ill be okay with that. But its okay for me to hurt as long as I do it quietly and not around my kids. I shove it down and save it for my therapist. Whatever happens will happen, god has a plan for me. I just struggle with beating myself up for not DB'ing perfectly thinking that I did too much damage, But I tell myself she was the one that did the damage and If I never even tried to come here and read this stuff i probably would have done wayyy worse, (contacting OM, begging family to intervene, begging, buying gifts, grand gestures, fortunately I didnt do that stuff at least lol). I try to remind myself that this was her choice and leading me along was also her choice, I can only control my response to it and do better. I stopped trying to save my M, i know I will get divorced, she has always had that intention since filing. No point in fighting for someone who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.


You don't want her back as she is, so I hope that you can get your head and heart around this. What helped me was being real about what I missed. It took time and it wasn't easy, but I started thinking about what I would NOT miss first.


I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds like fear of D is hurting you and I want so much to just say - it's not the end of the world. You have to find a way to operate above the emotions and just do the next right thing.

You will make mistakes, that's ok. You learn and adjust accordingly.

This isn't on you. She has an OM. She's acting out because her child is calling it what it is. She's defensive and attacking you because she can.

You are right. there is no point in fighting. You can stand for as long as you choose. You can give up at any time, but in the meantime, You don't need to fear any of her reactions/actions because she's already done the worst thing one can do to a spouse.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by Steve_
So the last two weeks have been hell. My 7 year old boy has been acting out badly with OM. He has mentioned some things to my W that she had thought he heard from me and became infurated. He had also mentioned some things to me that she allegedly said. The poor kid wanted us to fight so we "talk" it made us fight and yeah pushed us apart.

Hi Steve,

Any IC appointments since that first one? I've had two therapy appointments in the past two weeks, and I feel my life is more or less going quite well. Lots of things immediately jump out at me--

1. S's behavior towards OM is your ex's can of worms to figure out. Your focus could be on getting fitter, validating your son's feelings, and making this Christmas amazing for him.

2. You struggle with personal responsibility--that comes up again and again in your sitch. Your son said things and it "made us fight"--no, you chose to fight. I don't fight with my ex-wife. I have suggested changes, and I have leveraged Child Protective Services when I needed to, to enforce changes.

Originally Posted by Steve_
1.Brought things back to Neutral with WW,
2.Deactivated my facebook.
3.refuse to discuss and R questions with children.
4.Ask them daily to be good to mom and tell them I love them.
5.Talk to therapist and friends at work who support me.
6.kept only snapchat where i can showcase things I do with my kids on my own terms (I do not look at WW snaps)

#2 & #5 seem the most helpful.

Originally Posted by Steve_
She since that talk sent me pics of the kids at her place doing Xmas stuff to which ive waited and then just replied with a thumbs up. I told her "so are you, really proud of your work!" and she said "thanks"

I have a visceral, "Ick!" reaction to continuing to interact like a friend with your WW.

Originally Posted by Steve_
(part of me hopes she does, but knows I cannot do anything about it anymore).

I hope that part goes away. She's cheated on you time and again. You can do better solo or with another.

Originally Posted by Steve_
who is happy destroying thier H and Kids and Family.

She destroyed the Family, but H and Kids can still have a great life.

Take care, Steve, I hope you have a Merry Christmas.



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I will say it time and time again. Im afraid for you and your kids if she decides to come back. It would be the worst thing ever for everyone.

I read your posts and my heart just breaks for your kids. Not because she left. Thats their best chance at having a half normal life you if you get your side right.

But it is very very disturbing to see you say you son made us fight no! No! No! As adults, you guys chose to fight! That could have been handled much differently on your end . And the. You go on to keep saying i make sure to keep telling him to behave when he goes over there this poor kid is going to feel like this is on him.

The best thing you can do is to make sure your home is a happy healthy home , that these kids never ever feel like an once if this is their fault (I.e you believe your sons bad behavior made you guys fight) then they will have their best chance at a happy healthy childhood. Absolutely non of this could be put in your children at all. Adult stuff is adult stuff. His behavior is a way of crying out. He is not happy with the situation there and its your exs responsibility to make it right. Its as if you are more worried about hurting your chances of your ex coming home than you are about how your children handle this . Huge harsh statement, I know. But from over here, thats what I can see, because this is just like an addiction. And quite frankly, her coming back wouldnt be what is best for your children or you. She is a disgusting sick manipulative women. Ive seen these types as psyche patients. You must know this. And how they manage to tear down their families and all their relationships.

I know you are hurting, but the cure to your hurt is not her coming back. Thats a temporary bandaid for YOU. Tylenol doesnt cure a fever, it makes you feel better, but doesnt take the underlying cause of the fever away.

You should be going to IC weekly at the least. You are a sweet man who needs to get some serious intensive help . For your kids and the sake of your own kids. Enjoy your Christmas Eve with your kids, dont make any part of it about her. Just about the 3 of you.

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Hey Steve,

Man your post really hurt to read. I feel for you man.

I worry for you and think you really need to make IC your focus right now. This whole situation is extremely toxic to you and your kids.

Steve, I dont think you love your wife as much as you think you do. Let me explain.

Your W has cheated on you repeatedly with multiple men. She has also manipulated you into thinking its all your fault as well.

^^^ Do you truly love that person? Would you be proud to walk around with her on your arm if she were to come back?

Or are you in love with the fantasy you have in your mind that your W is loyal, loving, owns her faults, communicates with you etc?

I think your abandonment issues are triggered and your codependency issues are coming to light. You probably feel like you need your W like you need air to breathe, right? You even complement your W looks when she is actively sleeping with your friend.

My point is that you have a broken people picker Steve. Youve picked a cluster B as your life partner and you are fighting tooth and nail to keep her in your life to inflict even more damage.

Steve, you cant love someone else until you can love yourself. Again, focus on IC.

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As far as the fighting goes my 7 year old son said that he did and said certain things purposely to make us fight so we talk. I didnt chose to argue with her I just responded to the attacks, which after long explainations to her about why our son is trying to save our M with poor behaviors she finally understood. (I think). Poor kid.

I dont discuss things about OM with them, but told them if he or anyone else does anything bad to them or thier mom to they can tell me that anytime.

I complimented her looks because it means a lot to her and Because she complimented mine. But I did not go farther than that. I have cut out all pursuit to zero. She wanted to start over as friends and see where it goes I was like yeah sure... I dont talk to her. She will get it lol.

I am aware this will be a long road. I was coming here looking for quick fixes that dont exist. There is a good chance my wife will never come back and I will figure out how to be solo and happy or with someone else later. Im okay with that, Im done fighting gods plan for me. I do allow myself to hurt, to have times I cry, scream and feel the pain of the loss of the years of work I put in with her and how it was all suddenly gone. But I dont let it rule me as much. And I know its not a symptom of a disease I can cure, its a chronic illness I will always feel. Like my shoulder aches when it rains.

I saw my in laws to pick up kids, they tell me they worry about me, they all love me. I told them Im sorry I cannot be there for this holiday we all went there for 10 years but due to OM I wont go. They totally understood. Even one of her sisters wont go because of OM. I will be starting a new duty at the hospital I work to help with triage overflow. That will keep me busy. I will get there. I contact WW as minimum as possible only when necessary and I try to stay short positive and to the point. Only been a few days of that, actually doing things right. Ill get there. Ill be back to update in 6 days. See how the first week of actual DBing goes. Hopefully uneventful.

My next IC is Jan 5. I do talk to the therapists at work. They have been giving me good advice to drop her. I just was never able to follow it.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/20/20 05:48 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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