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Drh -

I don't know the details of your situation and I'm not here to tell you what to do. Instead this is what I asked myself when it comes to forgiveness -

Which shows personal growth: forgiving or not forgiving?

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Hello IW. I am trying to catch up here, but wanted to drop in and tell you from personal experience, EMDR changed my LIFE! I did it during the worst of my separation. I was suffering from previous trauma, and the S/D just made it so much more painful and almost impossible for me to get through.

You are in an amazing place, considering IHS.

When I got stuck, I always asked myself, Will I regret this choice? To stand, to stand down? To be kind when H doesn't "deserve" it?

I have not regretted being kind. Not once. Emotionally, sure, I have these grand daydreams of revenge, and a time or two I wanted H to suffer, but when I followed out those thoughts, I really didn't want to be that person. H is living in his own hell. Literally, his choices have landed him in a life he doesn't even like. He does not need my help, and focusing on his mistakes takes up energy that must be used to focus on my own growth and recovery.

I hope you are well, and I hope you are able to find joy in each day.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Drh,

Forgiveness has zero to do with repentance. I've said this a bunch of times on other people's threads, but this notion that forgiveness is some grand magical gesture bestowed upon the transgressor by the transgressed is beyond a fallacy. No one is sitting upon a moral high ground throne handing out forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process. A process that can be done entirely without anyone asking for it or showing repentance. Forgiveness is a way to let go of the tether that binds you to people that have wronged you. Anger tethers you indefinitely to a person. As long as you hold on to the anger you will always be at the mercy of that person. You will always be at the mercy of the wrongs they've done. Forgiveness is accepting what has happened, no longer being wiling to be beholden to the pain, and moving forward. You forgive for you, for your spirit, your mind, your soul. No one else's. But you don't ever have to forget.

Remorse, is what you need to regain or maintain a relationship with someone in the same form as before. But if you have no interest in that iteration of your relationship then it isn't necessary. People forgive every single day without so much as an acknowledgement they they even did anything wrong. People forgive people of things that to some would be unforgiveable. The biggest hurdle here is understanding that forgiveness isn't one sweeping action absolving exW (or whomever) of all her sins. It actually offers no absolution. Just a path way for you to let go and move on fully.


Hey Wayferer,

Thanks for your response and sorry for late reply.

I just got divorced over Zoom this week and had so much going on.

I can see that forgiveness is a process, though being raised a Christian I saw it as "payment in full" for another person's apology over their transgressions.

I have to think about this but I think you're explanation is the right way of going about this.

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Originally Posted by IronWill
Drh -

I don't know the details of your situation and I'm not here to tell you what to do. Instead this is what I asked myself when it comes to forgiveness -

Which shows personal growth: forgiving or not forgiving?


IronWill.

the correct answer is forgiving! So much harder to put into practice though.

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97Hope,

Just wanted to comment on your thoughts. I too get daydreams of revenge but I just got divorced this week and feel that WW has already lost so much. My eldest daughter doesn't like going round to OM's house where her mother lives. One day a week if that. I got almost 60% custody since they're with me during the school week and WW has them long weekends.

Despite WW moving in with OM, my kids say she is living paycheck to paycheck. She works f/t and doesn't make a bad wage for someone with only a high school diploma. It's none of my business but I wonder where all the money is going.

They moved into another house a couple of months ago and the continued rain has caused flooding in their basement and their backyard backs onto some woods and a ground hog ate all my WW's veggies she was growing.

I don't want to be mean spirited but it's hard not to imagine karma having some payback fun.

Last edited by Drh2001; 08/28/21 08:45 PM.
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Originally Posted by Drh2001
Originally Posted by IronWill
Drh -

I don't know the details of your situation and I'm not here to tell you what to do. Instead this is what I asked myself when it comes to forgiveness -

Which shows personal growth: forgiving or not forgiving?


IronWill.

the correct answer is forgiving! So much harder to put into practice though.

Forgiveness is as much for you as the other person. Forgiving means letting go of the anger and resentment. Anger free and resentment free is a much better life to live!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Forgiveness is for the one who forgives.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Originally Posted by Drh2001
Originally Posted by IronWill
Drh -

I don't know the details of your situation and I'm not here to tell you what to do. Instead this is what I asked myself when it comes to forgiveness -

Which shows personal growth: forgiving or not forgiving?


IronWill.

the correct answer is forgiving! So much harder to put into practice though.

It's only hard if you tell yourself it is hard.

It doesn't require anything on your part to forgive someone. You simply decide to do it and do it.

That doesn't mean you wipe the slate clean. It just means you're ready to move on from the past

smile.

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Came across this in the Piecing board, a sticky on Michele' Golden Rules:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/a_forgiveness_gift_yourself.htm


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Hello all smile

Time passes quickly when you have things occupying it. Hard to believe it has been over 3 years since BD, i had almost forgotten about it.

LH and Steve good to hear from you! Life rolls on, one day at a time. smile

Wayfarer - thanks for your comments. I apologize for not replying sooner but I have found it difficult to return here. I don't know why maybe its reliving the past. I have not started EMDR yet but it is in my plans. At the moment going to IC is priority. I have a lot of stuff to process.

D - always good to hear from you. Your words mean so much and the forum is lucky to have you. I hope you are well. smile

My situation remains stable, no change. I could write about day to day nuances and things to nitpick over but the guy that used to do that is no longer me so I will not. I feel different - battle worn. It would take a lot to get riled up like that again.

For those of you who are new, here are a few things that helped me get where I am today.

Sandis 37 rules
Breathing/meditation
Giving space even when you are hurting
Learning you cannot control anything other than yourself
Mindfulness - stopping or altering unconstructive thoughts
Not responding when you are emotional
Finding other things to do
Not talking as much, getting quiet, listening more

Most importantly:

Listening to the vets
And reading every situation here. Wriiting helps yes, but read. Three times as much as you journal. Or more.

You will be okay smile

Be better, not bitter.

Take care

- IW

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