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#2910983 12/18/20 04:51 PM
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Thank you for the thought provoking questions.
Originally Posted by Mach1
IF you are DBing only to see the impact... ????

Then you are looking at this all wrong.....

Not DBing only to see the impact, but seeing the impact is kind of a proof of concept. If I kept getting told by people on here that she going to do A, and she never does, then I'm going to be skeptical. Instead, she's doing exactly what has been predicted which makes me trust the process more.

Originally Posted by Mach1

And I think that you are trying to jump through too many of her hoops because you are trying to move forward whilst looking in the rearview mirror.

DBing is about making those changes for yourself, so that you can become you again....

And no matter how hard you try, you cannot lead from behind...

And, you are never gonna talk your way out of something that you acted your way into....
Totally agree and I also admit that when I started this process (even before joining this board) my changes were only to save the marriage and not for me. That has gradually shifted as I've started to GAL and continue to read as much as I can. My IC is also a huge help in not telling me what to do but helping guide me towards the answers so I can figure them out myself. I am in no way fully detached yet, but I'm much further along than I was.
Originally Posted by Mach1
Why are you holding her accountable for your emotions ???

Why are you holding her responsible for your decisions ???
Funny, I just finished the Four Agreements along with The Mindful Divorce and both really drove home the idea of being in charge of your own emotions and decisions. It's tough because you think you already are doing that, but when you dig a little deeper it is obvious you aren't. It's taken some work but I'm actually trying to feel compassion towards her and forgiving her - not because she deserves it, but I need to so I can stop dwelling on what has or hasn't happened. But as I think you all know, it's a bumpy ride and isn't always easy to stay on the road.
Originally Posted by Mach1
What is it, that you want (for you, not the marriage) ?????
This is really the $64,000 question, isn't it? And it is one I'm working on. The books I've been reading are big on determining your values, goals, needs, etc. And it's funny because you think you know them until you're asked to write them down. So yeah, I don't have an answer yet because depending on the day of the week, it's going to be different. Once it stop changing, I'll know.

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Also, have you ever heard of Nice Guy Syndrome? Please research it and consider reading the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Yes - on someone's recommendation on here. It was eye-opening to say the least and also one of the reasons I'm able to distance myself from the resentment I'd built up. Hard to be resentful when you were the root of the problem.

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Either ignore or be really ballsy and say "oh yeah then why don't you come over and show me how much you miss me".
If she was in the same state, I would've. Question is - what if she comes over?

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
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Either ignore or be really ballsy and say "oh yeah then why don't you come over and show me how much you miss me".
If she was in the same state, I would've. Question is - what if she comes over?

I suspect you would have heard crickets with my suggestion but it would have been a learning lesson for you.

Not sure if I understand the question.


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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by SaltyDog
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Either ignore or be really ballsy and say "oh yeah then why don't you come over and show me how much you miss me".
If she was in the same state, I would've. Question is - what if she comes over?

I suspect you would have heard crickets with my suggestion but it would have been a learning lesson for you.

Not sure if I understand the question.

Guess it woud've been, because in my mind there's a good chance she comes over if I send that response to her saying she's missing me. Maybe she's just lonely because nobody else is paying attention, who knows, but if she were to come over - what then? Hop in the sack? That seems counter-productive.

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Guess it woud've been, because in my mind there's a good chance she comes over if I send that response to her saying she's missing me. Maybe she's just lonely because nobody else is paying attention, who knows, but if she were to come over - what then? Hop in the sack? That seems counter-productive.

I would say for you it is not a good idea because you are still way attached and it would mess with your mind. I chose to sleep with my ex in the end because I was detached enough and knew it wouldn't change anything. Also at the time I thought no PA but now I am not so sure. Being the fact your W is on Tinder you better put a hoody on if you decide to to it. We have had LBS get STDs from their WWs.

Last edited by LH19; 12/18/20 06:10 PM.

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Originally Posted by LH19
We have had LBS get STDs from their WWs.

<shudder>

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Originally Posted by SaltyDog
Totally agree and I also admit that when I started this process (even before joining this board) my changes were only to save the marriage and not for me. That has gradually shifted as I've started to GAL and continue to read as much as I can. My IC is also a huge help in not telling me what to do but helping guide me towards the answers so I can figure them out myself. I am in no way fully detached yet, but I'm much further along than I was.


You are very early into the DB process.

And to understand and to be detached isn't something that I would expect. I have read from people that have been here for years that aren't detached. So go easy on yourself there.

I think the first step is to ask yourself WHY you want to detach ?

Is it because of guilt ?

Anger??

Obligation ????

Whoa...that's a big one there....

Detachment isn't linear either. You don't just decide one day to "be" detached. It's a series of decisions, thoughts, and constant actions to propel YOU to where YOU want to be...

You don't just wake one morning and say....I am detached, and it's done....

Detaching is more of a 'way of life', rather than a decision...

Why you detach, is more important than IF you detach...

Thoughts become words
Words become decisions
Decisions become actions
Actions become behavioral patterns

Eventually? they all make up who you are inside....

So WHY do you want to detach ?

Are you standing because of guilt ?

Obligation ?

Love?

How would you define the difference between Love and Obligation ???

Where do YOU fit within that ???



Originally Posted by SDawg
Funny, I just finished the Four Agreements along with The Mindful Divorce and both really drove home the idea of being in charge of your own emotions and decisions. It's tough because you think you already are doing that, but when you dig a little deeper it is obvious you aren't. It's taken some work but I'm actually trying to feel compassion towards her and forgiving her - not because she deserves it, but I need to so I can stop dwelling on what has or hasn't happened. But as I think you all know, it's a bumpy ride and isn't always easy to stay on the road.




How about you ???

Are you feeling any forgiveness or compassion towards yourself ???

Think about how focusing YOUR healing, into your situation, can affect a clear and realistic view of who you are...





Originally Posted by SDawg
This is really the $64,000 question, isn't it? And it is one I'm working on. The books I've been reading are big on determining your values, goals, needs, etc. And it's funny because you think you know them until you're asked to write them down. So yeah, I don't have an answer yet because depending on the day of the week, it's going to be different. Once it stop changing, I'll know.



Who gets that money ???



You do realize that YOU...and YOU ALONE....

Is the only person that gets to define YOU...

Soooooo...

What day of the week should be irrelevant...

Who you want to be,.....

What kind of a person do YOU want to show to the world each and every morning....???

What kind of person do you want your children to remember when they think of you ???

What qualities do you want to pass down to them ???

It really is all about you now Dawg.....

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Originally Posted by Mach1
I think the first step is to ask yourself WHY you want to detach ?

Is it because of guilt ?

Anger??

Obligation ????

Whoa...that's a big one there....

Detachment isn't linear either. You don't just decide one day to "be" detached. It's a series of decisions, thoughts, and constant actions to propel YOU to where YOU want to be...

You don't just wake one morning and say....I am detached, and it's done....

Detaching is more of a 'way of life', rather than a decision...

Why you detach, is more important than IF you detach...

The big reason I want to detach right now is to protect myself from more pain. As long as I am getting a jolt of anxiety every time my phone goes off, or wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep because all the thoughts come pouring in, or getting gutted when the next bomb gets dropped, I feel like I can't be free. As long as some part of me is still including her in my decision making in any way - what will she think, what effect will it have on her - the I can't be free. And it seems like until I truly detach, those things will keep happening.

Originally Posted by Mach1
How would you define the difference between Love and Obligation ???

Where do YOU fit within that ???

How about you ???

Are you feeling any forgiveness or compassion towards yourself ???

Think about how focusing YOUR healing, into your situation, can affect a clear and realistic view of who you are...
This has been challenging for me because I've gone from blaming her for everything and being resentful to focusing on myself and how my actions contributed. From there, it is easy to start feeling guilty and upset with yourself because hindsight is 20/20. I'm trying to work on this and cut out the negative self-talk and all that stuff, but those parts are hard to set free.
Originally Posted by Mach1
You do realize that YOU...and YOU ALONE....

Is the only person that gets to define YOU...

Soooooo...

What day of the week should be irrelevant...

Who you want to be,.....

What kind of a person do YOU want to show to the world each and every morning....???

What kind of person do you want your children to remember when they think of you ???

What qualities do you want to pass down to them ???

It really is all about you now Dawg.....
Yup, it is. And the day of the week should be irrelevant, and when it comes to core values it is, but when it comes to emotions and how I feel and what I want to do and if I'm angry/sad/jealous/hopeful or something else - that rollercoaster won't stop. I try to be mindful, to note things, to try and put space between me and them, and sometimes it helps but most of the time I'm thinking "Yeah, I'm mindful of how sh!tty I'm feeling right now!!!"

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