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Happy New Year!! Mar, Kristin, so good to hear from you both xoxo smile please keep us updated on your sitches!

So, I'm doing better and better at kicking AP out of my headspace. She still crops up sometimes but without the pain or anxiety that accompanied it before. On New Year's Eve at midnight, H and I took both girls up on the roof where we had a fabulous view of (illegal but absolutely incredible) fireworks going off all across the city. Some were so large and so close it felt like a regular city-sponsored event. As I watched, sitting with my family, wrapped in blankets and cuddling the girls, I just imagined each firework exploding thoughts of AP from my head, blowing each thought into a million glittery bits and falling to the ground. Every time she invaded my headspace (MY headspace!!) I visualized one of the fireworks and popped her out of existence again. It has worked pretty well.

Right now, the best analogy I can make about what residence she is taking in my life is like dog $hit on the sidewalk. Unfortunate and gross. But you can step over it and keep walking. If she tries to follow, I flick the thought and explode it again like a little firework. I told my H, too, that she's like dog $hit on my lawn. He said, we've built a fence, now. The dog can't come take another cr@p on our lawn. Yes, but it's still there. He said, hopefully it will eventually decompose and turn into fertilizer and make the lawn greener. But this takes time.

I wrote a note to Wayfarer asking her advice about when you can know you're ready to drop your guard and think about piecing. I don't know that I'm ready quite yet (part of me is afraid I'll never be ready, that I'm waiting for some magic fantasy scenario that will never happen IRL). For now, I'm trying to stop spending time and energy being angry and upset about what has happened in the past and just accept it for what it is, not what it might or might not mean about what is happening today or what may happen in the future. I think I've still been holding onto some level of anger and resentment like a little security blanket to help shelter me from being vulnerable again, and to use as fuel to power me out if I need it. I think I need to let it go. It feels scary, though.

FlySolo, I read your note to me on your thread about re-reading my threads from a neutral standpoint and thinking about what advice I'd give myself... I will do that. I re-read some of it a few weeks ago and my biggest takeaway was that I've come a long ways, as has he. (maybe even... we've come a long way? I don't know that I'm totally ready to say that yet.) And how to be in the NOW, not in the fear and anger of yesterday, or in the dueling hope and anxiety for what may be in the future? This is my work, I think, today. Thank you for that.

Have you guys seen the movie Soul? It's out on Disney Plus right now, and I really loved it. It underscores the value of mindfulness and gratitude and empathy. I don't think this is a spoiler (but if you're worried skip to the next paragraph), but there is a scene where the main character walks out the front door and the sun is shining on his face and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and you can FEEL him breathing in the air and feeling the sun on his face and the pure joy and goodness of being alive and optimism about what the day will bring. This is another image I'm keeping with me.

I'll reflect on Wayfinder's thoughts in my next post, and recap a bit for you guys where I am in all of this process. But for now there is one other thing I wanted to share that I've been keeping with me and thinking about since the new year:

Kindness
Naomi Shihab Nye

Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.


I had read and held onto this poem a year or so ago, when I was in the hardest spots. I came across it again the other day and thought-- when I first read this poem, the part that spoke to me the most was the description of sorrow-- the future dissolving like salt in a weakened broth, the desolation of the landscape, the bus that never stops. It felt so real.

Now, the part that speaks to me the most is-- I feel very fortunate, somehow, if this is my path. There are many harder ways to learn this lesson. I don't want to lose this opportunity to embrace kindness and compassion as I walk this path. I thought I'd share it because it has meant a lot to me, different things at different times, and maybe it will speak to one of you.

Thank you, friends. I'll write more later.

xoxo May


Me (46) H (42)
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May,

It is so wonderful to read up on your sitch and see how far you have come!! I don't know if you remember it's been over a year since I was on, but you were always such a support for me in my early days.

Love the poem. This part hit me

"What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness."

Something my church talks about is "Nothing is wasted in God's economy".
When you wrote: "I don't want to lose this opportunity to embrace kindness and compassion as I walk this path", it spoke to me and where I am.

I am stronger because of the journey.

None of us asked for any of this, but so many people here have embraced the value of growth, strength, courage and compassion. At lease, for me, that is what I see here in the DB community.

So good to see you are well. (((((may)))


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

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May,

Thank you for sharing the poem. It really struck a chord and started the tears flowing. I copied to my notes so that I can keep it close.

Best,
Mar

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May, wow, that's a beautiful poem. Namaste!

I love that you've emerged from BD with more than callouses to show for your journey.

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Originally Posted by May22
FlySolo, I read your note to me on your thread about re-reading my threads from a neutral standpoint and thinking about what advice I'd give myself... I will do that. I re-read some of it a few weeks ago and my biggest takeaway was that I've come a long ways, as has he. (maybe even... we've come a long way? I don't know that I'm totally ready to say that yet.) And how to be in the NOW, not in the fear and anger of yesterday, or in the dueling hope and anxiety for what may be in the future? This is my work, I think, today. Thank you for that.


They say you have to let the past go in order to move forward. Blank page it. Press reset.

I say, harder said than done.

Moving forward on your own has exactly the same pitfalls as moving forward together. Trusting someone, man that's a big ask of anyone who has been left shattered on the floor. One day you will look up at fireworks, surrounded by the family you've fought for (with or without him), and not think of OW. It isn't that day yet. Until then, forgive yourself for allowing your fear and distrust to take center stage every now and then.

OW is not a pile of dogsh!t. She is a person who (although slightly mentally unhinged) was doing what she thought was best for her. Thinking of her as anything else gives her power.

You are wonderful May. Don't let anyone let you think any different about yourself.


W40 (me), H40
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D12, D9

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Thanks Mar, Hope, CW!

FlySolo... I like that imagery, blank paging, setting reset. Yes, harder said than done. All a WIP for me.

I know, intellectually, that OW is not a pile of dog$hit. She is a sad and sorry individual who made some very selfish (and in the end probably stupid) choices. From things my H had told me about her, back when we spoke about her, she had some real codependency issues that she heaped on to him. He was her "chosen family" and last spring before she reached back out she started seeing an IC to work on her abandonment issues from my H. (It boggles my mind that a woman who pursued an affair with a married man with two children who lived 5,000 miles away could believe herself to be "abandoned" when he didn't leave his wife for her.) She froze her eggs. God.

I say all this and I don't feel any of the anger or anxiety I felt back then. I still feel grossed out but it is less personal. Anyway, all to say-- while I want to get to a place where I can picture her as a flawed human being worthy of compassion, I am not there yet. I feel there's progress, though-- I no longer think of her as an evil harlot who spent 2.5 years of her life actively working to hurt me and my children, who might pop back up out of the blue like in a horror movie to throw another bomb into my life. So, there's that. And I'm glad I've made the progress I have here and am okay that I'm not to zen master level yet.

Her imprint on my life is still stinky and decomposing, but fading. H and I were looking at photos of a spring break trip that we took early on in the A, and there was a photo of the two of us with his arm around me and holding me close and both of us smiling big at the camera. A couple of months ago, that would have sent me into a bit of a spin, re-calibrating the entire trip based on the realization that he was cheating during that time, and would have surfaced a lot of anger for me. This time, it occurred to me. He squeezed my leg and said, that was a really fun trip, wasn't it? I said, yes. And didn't allow her to contaminate it in my head anymore. Even if he was being a total lying double-life leading $hit at the time, it doesn't take away from my own memories and experiences anymore. It's my life, my head, and I'm taking it back.

Wayfarer, so many of the things you wrote resonated with me. I'm still thinking on a lot of them. Here's where I am:

-- I know in my heart that my recovery is up to me and no-one else. You have really helped me understand this. It is empowering for me to regard it this way. I am doing better and better here, though every once in awhile I get frustrated and WISH that I had one of those husbands who was wild with remorse and begging on his knees for forgiveness and would do anything, ANYTHING for me to forgive him. That is my fantasy but not my situation. But your words here have really helped me.

-- I also know in my heart that my H's path is his alone too, and he has a whole $hitload of work in front of him. Not to spend too much time on him, but we've had several conversations over the past few weeks where I'm coming more and more to feel confident that this is real. He is easily saying now that he's sorry, he doesn't think about AP or love her anymore (he is frustrated that I kept bringing her into the conversation as he wants to focus on us and not her, but unfortunately he brought her in and I can't snap my fingers and banish her from my head, as much as I wish I could). He says he is glad to be here with me, that he chose me and is choosing me, he loves me, he never stopped loving me, I'm his best friend and life partner and love of his life. (Though when he says this it isn't like you describe, sweeping me into his arms or anything. it is more like an intellectual declaration of fact.) He says these things take time, healing and building our relationship back up. True. We've had a few conversations where he's brought up the SSM and how he felt about it, abandoned and alone and really really hurting. It is raw for him. He feels frustrated that I haven't wanted to talk about it, which was a boundary for me back when I felt like all he wanted to do was throw it in my face as a justification for his affair. That doesn't seem to be the case anymore, but I'm still not pushing on any conversations in that area quite yet. To him, I think the A is inextricably linked to the SSM and I'm starting to see it less as his excuse more as he was in pain and it was a bandaid for him. Not to excuse his behavior but that is what I'm hearing when we talk. I don't know what progress he's really made in understanding why he did what he did and reconciling it with his own self-image. He said the other day to me again that this is what he wants, a life with me. I said, great. But understand there is a lot of work that will need to be done on both our parts in order to have a happy and fulfilled life together, after what you did, and I need to know that you're ready to do that work. He didn't jump to a response on this one and I ended the conversation. So we will see where that goes.

-- I don't know that I agree I'm trying to cram piecing and R together... I really don't see us as piecing yet. I feel like we're both closer but not there yet. For instance in the last conversation above, I would expect him to say YES of course I will do the work, I know it will be hard but it will be worth it and I'm sorry, etc. Also, I'd love to see him do some work on his own to demonstrate his interest in healing our M, like figuring out MC insurance (as I said to Steve, he figured it out back when he was having a secret affair and wanted to go to MC as a check-off box in the path to D), reading the Shirley Glass book, etc.

-- My fear stopping me from taking that next step and the risk of letting H back in... yes, I think you are right. Last spring did really burn me. You're right in the "I'm not afraid for him to leave" not really being the whole of it. This will take some time, I think. I'm not there yet.

-- I think our friendship is strong. He makes me belly laugh at least once a day. We have spent some good 1-1 time together, snuck out for beers in the middle of the work day with the kids at school, exchanging backrubs most nights. We are watching Outlander (OMG JAMIE, hubba hubba) which I know he's doing mostly for my sake. This is like back to the old days when we'd choose shows and watch them together and share a drink and backrubs. For a long time we never touched on the couch, he'd always pour himself a beer and not say a thing to me, he'd turn on the TV to whatever he wanted to watch and I could object if I wanted but otherwise he clearly wasn't thinking about me. I didn't care so much as I would just work or read a book. But it does feel more together now than it did.

-- But the romance side? When was the last time I wanted to climb him like a tree, or he gave me butterflies? I think maybe what is scaring me a bit is that I'm starting to have butterflies, when he looks at me and smiles like he's really happy to see me, I get butterflies. And I am interested in sex with him, but not like it has been over the past couple of years, slam bam thank you maam or just plain fun exercise. I want the full package this time around. Even though I told him I was done for awhile, we did do it last week and it felt again like ML... sort of... but that scares the cr@p out of me because I remember so clearly thinking the same thing on our anniversary last April, and a month later he was back in touch with AP. So I told him again we need to take a break. He said ok. So, this is an area where nothing is really happening at the moment.

K, that's a lot, not even sure I'm hitting all of the questions you had. I think basically I am feeling better about things for myself, seeing a lot of changes in him but maybe not (yet) enough, scared about piecing, worried I'm being a fool. And of course totally flattened by everything going on in our country so there's that too.

Hope everyone is well... thinking of you all!!

xoxo May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
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9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by may22


I know, intellectually, that OW is not a pile of dog$hit. She is a sad and sorry individual who made some very selfish (and in the end probably stupid) choices.

I say all this and I don't feel any of the anger or anxiety I felt back then. I still feel grossed out but it is less personal. Anyway, all to say-- while I want to get to a place where I can picture her as a flawed human being worthy of compassion, I am not there yet. I feel there's progress, though-- I no longer think of her as an evil harlot who spent 2.5 years of her life actively working to hurt me and my children, who might pop back up out of the blue like in a horror movie to throw another bomb into my life. So, there's that. And I'm glad I've made the progress I have here and am okay that I'm not to zen master level yet.

Her imprint on my life is still stinky and decomposing, but fading.


As your friend, I will consider her a pile of dog crap not worthy of the bottom of my fabulous shoes and you can forgive her in time, or not. The choice is yours. : )

When I was in therapy - I was dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted by a family member. This did me in because they were family, I was a child - so it was confusing when this same person would kiss and hug me at family events and internally I was screaming but I would force myself to "love" them. I even felt guilt for hating them!!

So when I look at your situation (or others like this) - I think about those conflicting feelings and what I would have wanted someone to tell me at age 7. That I didn't have to like them. That I had every right to be angry. That I could hate them for as long as I wanted to - until it was time (healing took place) and I wasn't on fire at the mere mention of them.

My point is - you have every right to despise the OW. She did vile things. We should judge behaviors.

What you decide to do with those feelings are entirely up to you. If you want to forgive, you will get there. That won't mean what she did was ok. And that will not mean she will ever have a place in your life (physically or emotionally).

But if you want to be angry and hate what she did - do so for as long as you need to.


(((may))) xx


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Hope, thank you... that helps and I know you're right. And OMG, I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child. That is really terrible and my heart goes out to the baby you, dealing with all of this. (((Hope)))

The reason I want to let go of any feelings towards AP is that I just really don't want her taking up any of my mental bandwidth. I don't like having rage in my body and head. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I think she's gross and I want a life that doesn't involve her one bit. Not me trying to be zen master for the sake of it. Purely selfish on my part.

Of course what I really want is a life that never involved her in the first place. I've been spending some time here the last day or two in my head, p!ssed all over again at my H for being such a complete d!ldo. Ugh. And trying to reconcile somewhat the fact that he DID those things but he isn't DOING them now, how to not take my anger at the past out on the present. We can't go back and change things that happened, as much as we might wish we could. I guess I still just have a ways to go here.


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Originally Posted by may22
The reason I want to let go of any feelings towards AP is that I just really don't want her taking up any of my mental bandwidth. I don't like having rage in my body and head. It is a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I think she's gross and I want a life that doesn't involve her one bit. Not me trying to be zen master for the sake of it. Purely selfish on my part.


Good!! It's time for May's healing. If you call putting the oxygen mask on yourself being "selfish"...ok?? But be careful not to judge or shame yourself (or allow anyone else to) while you take time to heal. I might be projecting here but I've felt guilty in the past for feeling certain ways and that can mess a person up. I didn't choose my feelings, but I learned how to process them and choose responses to them. Still working on that one. Another process. Ain't life grand?! lol

I used the Finding Nemo class on anger/grief/pain - When they got to the trench - they were supposed to swim "through it not over it"...I know that you will get there. Part of the process.

Originally Posted by may22
Of course what I really want is a life that never involved her in the first place. I've been spending some time here the last day or two in my head, p!ssed all over again at my H for being such a complete d!ldo. Ugh. And trying to reconcile somewhat the fact that he DID those things but he isn't DOING them now, how to not take my anger at the past out on the present. We can't go back and change things that happened, as much as we might wish we could. I guess I still just have a ways to go here.


But you are doing the work and that will not go to waste. Part of that is working through the emotions. You are on your journey of healing.

I'm so glad that you are still here. You were always such a source of comfort and understanding.

big hugs ((((may)))) Just keep swimming ; )


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
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Hi friends,

Not much to update. I am slowly feeling more settled. Inching closer to perhaps we are ready to piece. H continues to show remorse when appropriate but I'm also realizing he has a mountain of shame/guilt weighing on him in a way I don't think he really did before. He's expressed a couple times to me that he's scared I am going to leave him. He's not in a place, though (I think) yet to really engage in a meaningful way in any of this-- if I let him know the pain I still carry, his guilt rises and it seems he cannot really deal. We are talking about MC but I think I've shared before I'm not really wanting to do the footwork on this, so letting it rest.

Continue to practice being in the moment, grateful for all the good things in my life, my darling children, my family, my good good friends. Thinking (again) about a job change and have said yes to a headhunter that I'm interested in a position, which I have resisted doing for months-- so need to work on my resume and a cover letter this week. Big potential change but I finally think I'm ready. Both MIL/FIL and my parents have gotten their first vaccines now which has taken a big weight off of me that I didn't really acknowledge was there.

This poem was shared with me last week and I thought it might resonate with some of you here. Hope you are all well.

For Calling the Spirit Back from Wandering the Earth in Its Human Feet
Joy Harjo - 1951-


Put down that bag of potato chips, that white bread, that bottle of pop.

Turn off that cellphone, computer, and remote control.

Open the door, then close it behind you.

Take a breath offered by friendly winds. They travel the earth gathering essences of plants to clean.

Give it back with gratitude.

If you sing it will give your spirit lift to fly to the stars’ ears and back.

Acknowledge this earth who has cared for you since you were a dream planting itself precisely within your parents’ desire.

Let your moccasin feet take you to the encampment of the guardians who have known you before time, who will be there after time. They sit before the fire that has been there without time.

Let the earth stabilize your postcolonial insecure jitters.

Be respectful of the small insects, birds and animal people who accompany you.
Ask their forgiveness for the harm we humans have brought down upon them.

Don’t worry.
The heart knows the way though there may be high-rises, interstates, checkpoints, armed soldiers, massacres, wars, and those who will despise you because they despise themselves.

The journey might take you a few hours, a day, a year, a few years, a hundred, a thousand or even more.

Watch your mind. Without training it might run away and leave your heart for the immense human feast set by the thieves of time.

Do not hold regrets.

When you find your way to the circle, to the fire kept burning by the keepers of your soul, you will be welcomed.

You must clean yourself with cedar, sage, or other healing plant.

Cut the ties you have to failure and shame.

Let go the pain you are holding in your mind, your shoulders, your heart, all the way to your feet. Let go the pain of your ancestors to make way for those who are heading in our direction.

Ask for forgiveness.

Call upon the help of those who love you. These helpers take many forms: animal, element, bird, angel, saint, stone, or ancestor.

Call your spirit back. It may be caught in corners and creases of shame, judgment, and human abuse.

You must call in a way that your spirit will want to return.

Speak to it as you would to a beloved child.

Welcome your spirit back from its wandering. It may return in pieces, in tatters. Gather them together. They will be happy to be found after being lost for so long.

Your spirit will need to sleep awhile after it is bathed and given clean clothes.

Now you can have a party. Invite everyone you know who loves and supports you. Keep room for those who have no place else to go.

Make a giveaway, and remember, keep the speeches short.

Then, you must do this: help the next person find their way through the dark.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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