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kiro #2910513 12/15/20 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
If we do a survey about all the WASs, WWs and MLCERs, Im pretty confident well find that they all had common personality traits way before BD.

If I were to take a guess, Id say these traits would include:

- A certain level of selfishness
- Inability to take responsibility for their mistakes
- Blaming others for their shortcomings
- Never apologizing
- Poor communicator
- Hiding their emotions
- A certain level of immaturity
- Dependent
- Low self esteem (that could manifest in different ways...)
- A certain level of narcissistic behaviour



I'd be careful with this. There are a lot of layers, complexities and dynamics that go into these situations. It is easy to look back and try to define all of this and fit people into neat boxes. One of the things I have learned is that people do not fit into nice boxes. We sometimes want them to because it makes us feel safer. It makes us feel secure. It makes us feel in control. "If only I had noticed X, Y, and Z before we got married!" The problem is that for many of us, our WWs were completely different people from our Ws! I can vouch for this in my own sitch. My W is nothing like she was when she was a WW. Before and after! While WW she displayed many of the characteristics of your list. Before and since, none of that.

However, I do think your point overall is a good one. One of the problems we see in our society (societies?) today is a rush to get married. People meet. They have that "in love", limerence feeling. "I can't imagine spending another second of my life without this person!" Within months, sometimes mere weeks, they are engaged. And they rush down the aisle to a lifelong commitment, only to wake up at some point after the wedding realizing that the person they just committed their life to is someone that they don't and didn't know very well at all!! This is why I am advocate of not getting engaged for at least a year, and not getting married for at least two years. That's right, 2 years of dating, minimal! But I realize I am old-fashioned and in the minority.

Marriage is hard enough without rushing into it. And often people that rush into it are the same ones to rush out of it.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
kiro #2910515 12/15/20 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
It has been now 3 years and a half since ExW's BD. Our D was final a year and a half ago.

I met an amazing woman summer 2019 and we got married this summer.

My ExW remarried too. I think it's the same guy she had an affair with, but I am not 100% sure and don't really care. I had tried to be in good terms with her for about 2 years after BD, but at some point I got tired and decided to avoid any contact with her. For the past year and a half, we only text if there is something important to share about the kids.


Congratulations! Wow both of you remarried a year and a half after D. They may be a record.

Originally Posted by kiro
I don't know how I will feel about my ExW 5 years from now, but for now I decided to keep her out of my life. I don't know whether I forgave her or not. I think it depends on the days. But more and more she becomes part of the past and I don't really think about her or about what happened.

That's where I am at right now. Plain and simple I can't have people in my life who don't care about my feelings. I only want people in my life who appreciate what I have to offer. Will this change someday? Maybe maybe not.

Kiro I always enjoyed your perspective on things and I wish you the best of luck.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
kiro #2910520 12/15/20 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro
If we do a survey about all the WASs, WWs and MLCERs, Im pretty confident well find that they all had common personality traits way before BD.

If I were to take a guess, Id say these traits would include:

- A certain level of selfishness
- Inability to take responsibility for their mistakes
- Blaming others for their shortcomings
- Never apologizing
- Poor communicator
- Hiding their emotions
- A certain level of immaturity
- Dependent
- Low self esteem (that could manifest in different ways...)
- A certain level of narcissistic behaviour



Bingo for me as well.. My WW ticks 10 out of the above 10...

I sympathise with her OM lol.. and my children even more !

Glad you came out stronger Kiro.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
kiro #2910530 12/15/20 03:37 PM
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Embrace change Kiro!


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
SteveLW #2910544 12/15/20 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Steve85
I'd be careful with this. There are a lot of layers, complexities and dynamics that go into these situations. It is easy to look back and try to define all of this and fit people into neat boxes. One of the things I have learned is that people do not fit into nice boxes. We sometimes want them to because it makes us feel safer. It makes us feel secure. It makes us feel in control. "If only I had noticed X, Y, and Z before we got married!" The problem is that for many of us, our WWs were completely different people from our Ws! I can vouch for this in my own sitch. My W is nothing like she was when she was a WW. Before and after! While WW she displayed many of the characteristics of your list. Before and since, none of that.

Steve, I wrote that message humorously and lightly more than anything. I didn't intend this to be really an accurate picture smile

I agree that in reality humans are more complicated than this simplistic view wink


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910545 12/15/20 04:55 PM
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Congratz on the good update!

These traits maybe apply more to WWs? wink

Some WASs here communicated their issues and tried to get their ex's into counseling before giving up. Some were leaving abusive relationships, which I highly encourage, or cheaters.



Traveler #2910547 12/15/20 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior
These traits maybe apply more to WWs?

Some WASs here communicated their issues and tried to get their ex's into counseling before giving up. Some were leaving abusive relationships, which I highly encourage, or cheaters.

As I said, I was being funny more than anything smile

To be honest, I am not even sure these traits even apply to my ExW. In reality, we had a good marriage for at least 16 of the 17 years we were together. And she was mostly a good wife and good person.

The reason I wrote that message with that list is like Steve said "to feel in control" and to pretend to understand something that is beyond my brain. LOL laugh


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910558 12/15/20 06:21 PM
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I like your update. I'm a little worried about how quickly both you and your XW remarried.

My XW probably only had a few of those things, but that was enough to end our marriage. Everybody is flawed though. It's hard to absolutely identify which traits will cause a spouse to walk. I'm sure we all have traits that we'll avoid in future relationships. Narcissism is at the top of my list.

harvey #2910572 12/15/20 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by harvey
I'm a little worried about how quickly both you and your XW remarried.

Maybe. Only time will tell.

I cannot talk about my XW and her new H. I had read a lot about marrital affairs that turn into marriage usually don't succeed, but it's not my place to judge her. I am not in communication with her and don't know anything about her new life. I try to stay out of it and I try not to have an opinion about it. I neither wish her happiness nor misery. I am indifferent.

The only thing that's important to me is the wellbeing of my kids. I don't want them to stay with her if it ever turns into a harmful environment. For the time being, my kids seem ok when they spend time with her.

I can only talk for myself. I know my new W and I have the best intentions to live happily together in our new M. But for sure, it's not the same thing as a 1st marriage. It's definitely more complicated because we both have kids and because we come with our own package.

On the other hand, we also have more wisdom from our 1st experience. As I said, we will do our best and time will tell.

I kinda understand why the statistics show that 2nd marriages have a higher D rate. Although I am totally committed to my new W, we don't have any intentions to have children together. If things don't work out for some reason in the future, we don't have as much to lose.

This being said, I do hope that it will work out, that we'll stay together and that we'll continue being happy.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910672 12/16/20 11:55 AM
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kiro,

Thanks for returning to share. I'm still relatively new here and find it insightful and reassuring to hear updates from several years post-BD. Glad to hear you're doing so well.

Last edited by BL42; 12/16/20 11:56 AM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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