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neffer #2885394 02/13/20 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by neffer
Wooba, I was the WWS in my sitch...what helped me getting back on course? This site and the people here. They saved my life.

Ah...Ive read your thank you thread (couldnt find anything older) awhile ago and I went back and reread it again just now. You are a lucky one, something led you here and you got to turn your life around. Some days I dread my H would stumble upon this place and read my posts. But sometimes I actually hope he would find his way here himself for his own sake.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
kiro #2885418 02/13/20 01:52 PM
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Wooba, I love how you just wished your H to find his way for his own sake.

For me, its a very difficult thing to do: wishing my exW good for her own sake, after what she has done to my family. The most difficult part to overcome is injustice. Even if I forget or forgive what she did to the family, to the kids and me, its not easy to get passed the unfair things she said: Drawing a very negative and gloomy picture of our MR, disregarding and denying all the good times we had and the good & loving things I did for her, blaming me for the MR breakdown and blaming me for her irresponsible actions, insulting my parents and siblings and blaming them for all kinds of lies although they loved her as a part of their family and treated her really well, saying all kinds of lies during mediation in order to get a few extra $$ from me, and so on...

Its not bitterness. I never think about these things and I never felt really affected by these words because I know most of them are lies. I dont wish anything horrible to happen to her, but I cant wish her good either. Until she apologizes or at least admits the unjust things she said, I just stay away from wishing her anything, good or bad. I dont know if this makes any sense... Just speaking my mind...


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2885420 02/13/20 02:00 PM
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Its all I wrote. I started piecing before getting here. And I found wisdom, light, respect, values and love for the other here. I stayed. So now Im a proud member of this community. Of course not for what I did, but for the people I found.
I will forever be grateful for this.

DB and this forum is a way to serve others through love.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
kiro #2885424 02/13/20 02:09 PM
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It takes time Kiro. You need to get rid of negative feelings. Its unnecessary to keep them inside. Free yourself from that. You know you did the fight.

Respect!


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
neffer #2885517 02/13/20 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by neffer
It takes time Kiro. You need to get rid of negative feelings. Its unnecessary to keep them inside. Free yourself from that. You know you did the fight.

Respect!

Thanks Neffer. I actually wrote a long reply this morning justifying why I was feeling this way. Then I deleted it b/c I realized that you were right.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910490 12/15/20 03:17 AM
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It has been 10 months since I logged in to this forum. Here is a quick update of my story:

It has been now 3 years and a half since ExW's BD. Our D was final a year and a half ago.

I met an amazing woman summer 2019 and we got married this summer.

My ExW remarried too. I think it's the same guy she had an affair with, but I am not 100% sure and don't really care. I had tried to be in good terms with her for about 2 years after BD, but at some point I got tired and decided to avoid any contact with her. For the past year and a half, we only text if there is something important to share about the kids.

At times, I still wonder about what could have been if my 1st marriage had continued. To this day, I cannot truly understand why my ExW acted the way she did. But I accept the fact that people are different and that we all have free choice.

Divorce is definitely one of the most difficult experiences one can go through. Sometimes, I feel that I aged more than 10 years in the past 3.5 years. But I have also learned so much in the process. Overall, I think I have become a better person.

My message to the people who are still going through the difficult phase is that life does go on at some point. Life becomes normal again. You can be happy again and you can find love again whether it's with the same person or a different person.

Things will change and your life won't be the same anymore. But you don't necessarily need to fight the change because it can bring good things in your life.

I don't know how I will feel about my ExW 5 years from now, but for now I decided to keep her out of my life. I don't know whether I forgave her or not. I think it depends on the days. But more and more she becomes part of the past and I don't really think about her or about what happenned.


What is also really important is to regain your individuality and to know that the only thing that you truly controls is yourself. You can't control your spouse or anyone else. Know yourself and know your principles. Be a good loving person but don't be a pushover.

I once read something like that: That you should be the captain of your own life. If someone wants to come on board, you greet them, you treat them well, and you take care of them. But if they don't want to, you let them go. This is very true.

If your spouse doesn't appreciate who you are, they are not worth it.

And you may end up finding a much better person who truly loves you for who you are like I have. I have found a woman who truly loves me and appreciates who I am. An I love her back, respect her and appreciate her. In the 17 years of my 1st marriage, I had never felt truly loved or appreciated. But I didn't really know any better and had got used to it.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910499 12/15/20 10:09 AM
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Thanks for popping back and sharing Kiro, it brought tears to my eyes. Not because it isn't a happy ending for you, its amazing to hear how well you are doing. But it does hit home that, in my situation at least, this is the likely reality for me too. That a person we chose to spend our lives with and have children with, could be reduced to a memory, like Gotye says, just someone that I used to know.

Humans are a strange bunch.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
OnlyBent #2910505 12/15/20 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
That a person we chose to spend our lives with and have children with, could be reduced to a memory, like Gotye says, just someone that I used to know.

Humans are a strange bunch.


Oh I totally agree. This may be the most important thing I learned from this experience: that humans are weird and strange.

It almost becomes philosophical. Who are we? And what do others represent for us? We are subjective beings. We make our own reality in our minds. We only know someone through our own subjectivity and can never truly know the other person.

Its also very difficult to accept that the person we chose to spend our life with rejects us and doesnt want to be with us. But we need to rebuild our confidence and accept to let them go. Dont define yourself by what someone else decides to do with their life.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910506 12/15/20 01:23 PM
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If we do a survey about all the WASs, WWs and MLCERs, Im pretty confident well find that they all had common personality traits way before BD.

If I were to take a guess, Id say these traits would include:

- A certain level of selfishness
- Inability to take responsibility for their mistakes
- Blaming others for their shortcomings
- Never apologizing
- Poor communicator
- Hiding their emotions
- A certain level of immaturity
- Dependent
- Low self esteem (that could manifest in different ways...)
- A certain level of narcissistic behaviour


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2910508 12/15/20 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by kiro

- A certain level of selfishness
- Inability to take responsibility for their mistakes
- Blaming others for their shortcomings
- Never apologizing
- Poor communicator
- Hiding their emotions
- A certain level of immaturity
- Dependent
- Low self esteem (that could manifest in different ways...)
- A certain level of narcissistic behaviour



Bingo! But I wonder whether these traits were obvious to the LBSes before marriage. For me, they weren't.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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