That sounds rough Gigi! Sorry if this is a hijack but might help you as well. At what point do you tell YOUR KIDS you don’t want to hear? Or rather HOW do you tell them?
I know I won’t want to hear about details while at mommy’s, certainly not if OM is there. I’m not there yet but interesting to hear how other have approached it.
Last edited by Mumin; 11/22/2003:58 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
It wasnt pleasant, i did feel a bit emotional, but it didn't last long. I cant control it you see, it’s pointless speaking to him about it, he clearly wants a new life or at least a perception of it. I know where he lives now, but he always comes here if the kids need picking up or some their clothes do, i dont think he is that keen on me meeting the OW. I actually dont care, i will always be their mum and in his life, whether anyone likes it or not.
So Mumin in answer to your question, you never ask them to stop telling you! If anything you validate, you take interest. I would hate for Ow to be nasty to my boys, and as H never tells me anything (my son was sick in the car and clearly distraught by it) but H hasnt told me. S5 tooth fell out and no mention of that either. S5 wanted to come Homes and s7 really missed me at bedtime. So when they came back i made sure i asked questions about them and how they felt being there. Of course OW was mentioned, but they are at the age where they just take H word for it. So H says to them him and Ow will miss them, so they repeat that.
Totally agree with you on that Gigi. Priority 1,2 and 3 is them being safe and happy! I guess I was envisioning them babbling on about sleep arrangements and such, without you really wanting to know. Fine line I guess between wanting and needing to know. Will have to depend on the trust one has for X as well as actions shown. Sure sounds like your X is doing a BAD job and then it is of course better to know.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Of course i dont want to know that s7 slept in the same bed as H and OW, but i never wants then to feel that they cant say stuff to me, so i endure listening to their stories. priority 1 is them, i will work through my emotions once they go to bed, whatever that means for me.
I try not to ask because i might be a little nosey, only ask on a need to know basis to make sure that they were happy and nothing untoward happened
Week 3 of H having kids 2 nights per week. Its a struggle to agree which night they will be and at the moment they change weekly. I miss them dreadfully, but i also welcome the break! I have been doing single mum thing for 8 months with no help from H! So the two nights are certainly nice to be able to do my own thing. Ow is definitely loving with h, kids dont mention her too much, for them its all about dad.
I worry about s7 and H relationship, in fact no i worry about s7. We talk a lot before bed time and he has said some Things that concern me. Like he lied to dad because he was worried if he said the truth dad would be upset. I worry that he is trying to be a perfect child, believe me when they get back home from H they are like teo ceazy monkeys they certainly arent scared of upsetting me
Our mortgage deal was coming up, so i renewed it for another two years which prompted a message from h to say that we do need to put the house on the market. I didn't respond, but felt amused that i already agreed to the house sale and he just needed to get it done when the market was booming! And he didnt.
Now that he is living with ow, we definitely see very little of each other, and im not allowed to drop the boys off at his house, which is totally ridiculous because boys want me to come and see his house and show me around. He is attempting to keep my as far away from ow as possible and frankly i dont care. I dont need to exchange pleasantries with her i would only ever be there for my kids.
We are coming up to xmas and no plans in place around who is doing what, so im just making plans with the boys, if he wants to come and see them in the morning, he is welcome to, if not well his loss. He can have them boxing day, that will give me some time to chill too.
I dont know what life holds for me in the future, but im thinking more and more about setting a date for this to end. I sont want to file, but i will ask him to do so. Im just trying to work through where i need to be to calmly do that, when is enough actually enough. Is march a good time, it will be a year! Summer time? Do i wait until i buy my own house and we sell our house?
Its probably a tricky time for many of us, as its coming up to xmas and school holidays. And what an odd time it will be! H rung to agree next week, boys are staying with me xmas day, which im so pleased about. I mean i wouldnt have compromised anyway, but he seemed to have suggested that and instead doing the day before and day after with them.
Work is crazy busy at the moment, so im running on a very tight schedule here most days. Not much gal going on at the moment.
S7 has announced that H bought a ring for ow for xmas. Hopefully not an engagement one, as he still hasnt filed for D )) But nothing would surprise me really, although things are very calm between H and I. We talk about kids and thats it, its always civil and almost emotionless.
Great expression Steve! Though I can really image that’s a hit to the gut Gigi.
I myself just had a Christmas talk with W. She ended up crying as usual.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Do you know i found it amusing actually. Kids think she is a friend, so s7 said H only got her a very small present for xmas, a ring ))
If they are getting engaged, well its about time we started talking finance, assets, pensions. So its a looooong road until marriage number 2 for him.
I have friends coming for xmas, so that will keep me and the boys busy. I just need to gal the day before and boxing day when they are not here.
I actually think the thing that has affected me was the day after xmas when they are going to see Hs family. I miss those gatherings, but hey none of his family has stayed in touch and i havent heard from mil since october, all part of the process i guess.
We are in UK and have just gone into tier 4, which essentially means no mixing with anyone, so just like that all plans for xmas and new years have been altered!
I have been so resilient throughout this whole process that im now able to see the good pretty much in everything. These changes have been a blessing in disguise! H was going to take the boys to see his mum with OW for 4 days and that is not happening now, it means i will be spending more time with my boys and yes it will just be the three of us and our friends wont be coming, but that is ok too. I know how tricky this time of year can be, but im somehow grateful for things that are happening around me, although i have no control whatsoever over them. Im looking forward to next year and hoping that this sitch of ours is going to come to some sort of finality in the new year.
I dont feel like there is anything in this for me, i dont feel like the person he is now is someone i want to be with. I know what my values are, i know what my life needs to be. I find happiness in little things, i have become a better mother and a better friend. Im a great manager at work and a good employee. There is one big problem, my kids want their dad to come home! Really desperately want us to be a family and i dont know what to do with that anymore. I have explained to them as much as i can that we are not together and that H is living with someone else now. And all i feel im doing is holding them whilst they cry :((
