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Doesnt have to be MLC, those changes rime well with my XWs and she was 29 when it started.
She also had child hood trauma.
Also rimes well with many other so called Wayward Wifes on this site.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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It just means shes acting on emotions.

People always are hoping for MLC. I never understood why. That just usually drags it out longer.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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MLC is the easy diagnose (we love to diagnose) and ppl think its just a crisis that will end soon.
So wrong!


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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I'll admit, my eagerness for it to be a MLC is probably about trying to dodge some of the blame for her decisions/feelings. I'll be the first to admit I've made mistakes though.
The other side of it, is that MLC is a "known quantity". I know that's reductive and oversimplifies the whole thing, but the idea that it's due to a process that is broken down into phases gives people like me who are looking for hope, some kind of inkling. I suppose, in typing all of this out, that any line of thinking about this is almost laughable.

My question is.. does DB-ing happen, regardless of what the underlying issues are? Does the approach change based on the situation? Everything I'm seeing says A) there's no such thing as a tried and true process and B) there are no rules.

If those things are true, then that really means this whole group is really more of a place to vent and get anecdotal stories that will either encourage or discourage people in the LBS position.. Everything else is circumstantial shots in the dark..

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After re-reading this whole thing. I think my goals got lost in the sauce a little.

My wife is obviously hurting. The things on her plate are a lot of 44 year old woman style problems coupled with military life problems.

She's manifesting this unhappiness right now. Maybe it's an MLC, maybe it's a meltdown, maybe it's just a reaction to circumstances. Whatever the case, I've relayed the particulars of that situation in the first post.

I want to help my wife through the pain that she's going through and heal our marriage. I want my friend and lover back.
Most of the replies thus far have not been helpful but that could be down to my poor communication and assumptions in posting.

Also, I may or may not have snooped on OM today and noticed his .mil email address suddenly shows him in Japan. I don't know if it's outdated from a previous tour or if he was sent there because of this situation. If that's the case, then at least I get a laugh out of this situation.

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So reason Im sorry the advice here has not been helpful. I understand you want your W back and the advice we are giving you gives you the best chance. Let her go and go out and lead a great life. So simple but usually hard for newbies to understand. Unfortunately most people have to learn the hard way.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by reason
My question is.. does DB-ing happen, regardless of what the underlying issues are? Does the approach change based on the situation? Everything I'm seeing says A) there's no such thing as a tried and true process and B) there are no rules.

Hi Reason,

The top post in the "Newcomers" section is Sandi's 37 Rules--so there are rules and a tried and true process. Most situations are more alike than unique, even if that's hard for the LBS to see at first, so most LBS would do best to follow as many of the above rules as possible. The forum commonly proposes tweaks when the spouse is abusive or there's an OM/OW involved. I hope this helps clarify a bit! Best of luck. smile



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Hi reason,

I wouldn't recommend telling her command about the A.

You note that once you stopped putting pressure on her, things got a bit better-- so keep that up. I would stop kissing her on her forehead, etc. Back off, be friendly and upbeat, don't bring up R talks, don't bring up OM, give her the space she needs to figure out what is going on with her. Do your best to GAL when she's back in town and stay out of her way. I absolutely would make my first priority be working on getting more sleep-- that is super important. Exercise can really help too.

I think you said you'd ordered DR-- definitely read it, I think that will really help you with charting out your path forward.

Good luck!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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reason,

I read your original post over the weekend but didn't get a chance to post. I have also read through the responses and your responses.

We all as LBSs come here the same way. We want the secret sauce. The one thing we can say or do that will fix our MR, save it, and turn it around. The problem is......that secret sauce DOES NOT EXIST. There is nothing you can do. There is nothing you can say, to fix this. LBHs especially want to FIX it. They spend all kinds of time and mental energy trying to diagnosis, dissect, and troubleshoot their situation. The thinking is that if we can get to the root cause, we can fix it. This is fool's gold when it comes to marital problems. In fact, all that time and mental energy focused on your sitch will actually set you back.

The one simple truth I found early in my situation that really helped me, and helped me more as I embraced it more, was that pressure and pursuit DO NOT WORK. And will push her out of the door faster than anything else. The more you pursue her, the more pressure she feels from you stay, to work on the marriage, to discuss things etc, the more you are just pushing her right out of the door.

Another thing I learned early on in my sitch was that there were only two things I could really do. That was to back off (IE remove all pressure and pursuit) and give it time. If you read my threads you will see I came to this forum convinced that my W's use of anti-depressants was the root of our problems and that if I could get her off of those meds then everything would be solved. That was a facade. I was barking up the wrong tree. Luckily I remembered DBing early in my sitch, and though I struggled for a few weeks, as I got better at it so to did my sitch. It didn't mean I was saving my MR......but I was saving myself!

So this is why we say to remove all the focus off of her. Guess what, snooping on OM IS focusing on her. It is focusing on your sitch. And it will not get you to where you want to be. This is why you take the focus off of her, and off of your sitch, and put it on to yourself. GAL. No excuses. Get busy and be busy. 180s, find out what you can improve about yourself and and do it. Become a man only a fool would leave! And detach. Stop spending so much mental energy on her and the sitch. Do not let her actions and words affect you emotionally. Certainly stop reacting to it!

And yes, I know your sitch feels different because of the time apart. We had a guy here a couple of years ago whose STBXW had filed a TRO against him and he could not reach out to her at all. I actually tried to get him to see that it was actually a positive! Most of us LBSs struggle with not reaching out, not smothering, not pressuring and pursuing our WAS. But in his situation he had a built in "no contact" provision! Now, if he had worked harder at GAL and detachment than he did, he would have been better off. He did a terrible job at those and suffered despite the no contact. I think you have the same opportunity here, to focus on yourself and just work on yourself. GAL, 180s, detachment. Simple plan, but difficult to follow unless you commit to it!

Now, I know this is all scary. "If I back off and leave her alone then she will think I don't care. She'll forget about me. She'll move on." This is typical LBS thinking when it comes to DBing. DBing is counter-intuitive. It feels wrong. What I can tell you is that the alternative to DBing is pressure and pursuit. Pressure and pursuit almost NEVER works. Like less than 1%.....probably a fraction of a percentage. DBing improves your odds of saving your MR, but it is not a guarantee. What it does guarantee that no matter what she ends up deciding, you will be fine. Better than fine, you will go on to an awesome life!

I know you do not think this now, but even if you end up D'd, you're going to be ok moving forward, as long as you do the work and realize that life isn't about what happens to you, it is how you react to it. You cannot control your W. She is going to do what she is going to do. You get control of one person. One exercise I encourage LBSs to do is to step back from their sitch and try to look at it objectively, as an outside observer. Take out the fear, anxiety, feelings, and desperation. What would you as that observer tell yourself to do? Spy on OM? Deluge your W with whatever contact options are available to you? Or would you tell yourself to back off, give her time and space to figure out herself, and to start to move on with your life. She'll either decide what you are doing with your life is exciting and want to be part of it, or she won't, but the advice should never to be stand pat!

Finally, one last thing. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I once went out of town for training for 3 weeks. When I came back home, despite our MR not being great (this was pre-BD) my W was the most attentive, loving and caring she had been since we were newlyweds. So try to take things you see as a negative in your sitch and look at them as a positive, at how they can help.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by reason

It's not that I think she'll come back when the affair ends, it's that if the affair doesn't end, she won't need to come back.




Imagine having an adult son. His W is cheating on him. And you hear him utter this sentence. REALLY?? Sleeping with another guy is not a boundary for you? You would be willing to sit and wait and hope the A ends so you could have another guy's sloppy seconds back?

I am not telling you to walk away from her and D her. I am telling you to have more value in yourself! You are the catch her, not her. She is a lying cheater. She doesn't deserve the time and attention you are giving to her. SHE NEEDS TO EARN HER WAY BACK! Trust me on this. The worst thing you can do is to let her waltz right back into your marriage, without conditions and requirements. It will teach her that you will tolerate PAs any time she decides she wants one.

Value yourself more than you value her or your marriage. Until you do that you will continue to be a rug she wipes her feet on.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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