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#2910314 12/12/20 05:25 PM
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Hi, I'm new here. I've spent a few days scouring articles and reading people's stories and there's a ton of helpful information.
I have gone through numerous articles about WAS. I'm pretty confident in the assessment that I have an MLC W.

Our sitch: Me 40M Her 44F

We have a 20 yr M in Jan. 10 years ago I think I had a MLC but I'm not sure because neither of us paid attention to the why. I was working 2 jobs and going to college and she was deploying a lot. I had an EA that turned into a PA but quickly fizzled. Recommitted with my focus on our kids who were 5&6 back then. Her ship changed homeports so we had to uproot everything and move to CA in 2010.
After we got to CA, we moved every couple of years and I couldn't find work, but I focused on rebuilding and she was the primary income. Things have been amazing up until about a year ago, but I'll come back to that. With one exception being she wanted to have one more child (a girl) and fertility tests showed that I was going to have problems in that department.

2018 we moved back to VA, which I never wanted to do, but it was what the Navy picked for us. Shortly after, her father passed away. Now she's approaching High Year Tenure and has extended numerous times, because she's been afraid I couldn't find work, despite numerous reassurances.

About the middle of last year I started noticing her behavior became a bit more introverted and she still took pictures at functions, but less and less of me at those.

This year, we had a great time on our Anniversary (Jan) but after that things were extremely spotty. In April, everything started really sliding down hill. Arguments over little things, her disappearing with our son to talk about me, small comments about me that were snippy. I figured she was bitter that I had lost the one job I had managed to land, so I tried to be extra nice and helpful. None of her pictures since April had me in them except from my birthday. By August she was snapping at random employees at restaurants and places like DMV.

She started volunteering to go underway, working longer hours, spending a lot more time on her phone, and becoming distant to the boys and myself. I started noticing selfies that were a little provocative but just innocent enough to not be concerning, except that she wasn't sending them to me.

Oct21 - 2020 - She dropped the bomb (sorry I don't know all the abbreviations). I love you but I'm not in love with you. This was after she had returned from a 2 week underway and instead of coming home, had "given a coworker a ride to his wife". I brought that up after the bomb drop and basically got instant confirmation of OM. Over the next day she said she wanted a separation, it was time for her to find out who she is and have fun, she needs time/space, etc. She threw 20 years worth of problems at me, with me being the sole source of all of her misery. She didn't want to stay with me because she thought she would be miserable, etc etc. Then when I took her to the ship to leave for an underway, a "nice" shipmate was willing to meet her at the pier to carry her bags for her at 10 PM.

Nov3 - 2020 - She returns from this underway and won't look me in the eye. She confirms PA, fears of pregnancy, and is extremely high strung. This is the point where she will no longer tell me she loves me.

From Oct, she has been at sea, so through email I've been begging, pleading, reasoning, etc. But ultimately realized that the only communication she was responding to was as a friend. By the time she returned in Nov, I asked if we could try to fix things. Through conversations, anxiety attacks, her screaming profanity at me, trying to push me away, and us ultimately coming to an agreement to think of our kids (now 16&17), she says she'll stay until our youngest is out of the house (about a year and a half unless he mysteriously fails.. I kid.. ). I don't think any of this is new.. in fact it feels very, extremely, textbook MLC based on the articles.

The confusing part.
After I backed off, agreed to live a day at a time and basically stop putting pressure on her, she changed her attitude a little. She sleeps in the same bed, meets me for lunch, watches movies with me alone in our room, goes to church with me, took care of me when I got the flu, writes me emails while she's underway, and doesn't want anyone to know that she said it was over. We've visited her relatives and she acted like things are okay, has tried to conceive with me, and even is willing to have sex. Her stance is still, she'll stay with me until our youngest is out of the house.. but then she will probably leave me. She also wants to buy a house with me.

She's said so many contradictory things. She won't say she loves me, but before going to bed, I kiss her forehead and say good night and sweet dreams. She smiles and says it back... but the next day will scream at me that my wife is dead to me forever and that she'll never see me as a lover again, and any number of other hateful things.

I've learned from reading here not to trust what they say and only half of what they do.. but everything is extremely confusing. She's about to come back from being at sea and we're going to drive 10 hours to spend a week and a half with my family. I feel like she's hurting and confused, but doesn't want to end our marriage. She even got mad when I mentioned divorce, but I assumed it was because she didn't want to lose her pension. Now, I don't even know.

Early in the next year she's going to spend 6-8 months at sea. She claims OM will be in a completely different part of the country at a different duty station by the end of December 2020.. so if that's true, it could be a blessing?

I know we're encouraged not to snoop but I have friends and resources, that I'll know where he is at that time, and honestly I'm not sure why I wouldn't do that.

Anyway, long first post.. but I wanted to give as much info as I could think of. My instinct is to focus on rebuilding the friendship and getting my nerves back under control (3 hours of sleep a night and 20lbs weight loss since Oct). That and making sure the kids are taken care of since I'm basically already a single parent. I ordered DR book and will be reading that before she gets back.

Thanks for reading and any help everyone.

Last edited by job; 12/12/20 06:31 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site not related to DB
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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting. There is a lot of valuable info that you should take the time to read.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for the resources, I've already started reading the material!

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Sorry for the double post but I read through For Newcomer LBH with Wayward Wife and have questions.
First.. I agree with this approach.. 100%. It was more or less what I had in mind before finding this site. I started reading other articles that all sounded like "kid gloves" and that just seems counter-productive if an A is involved.

That said. My W had a EA and PA with another service member. At least one encounter of the PA was on a ship while underway. I can bring this up with her command and dramatically impact her career if not end it. It would also result in the OM being immediately out of the picture. Is this too far though? Or is it enough to snap her out of the A Fog? She would obviously be angry with me, but would that matter in the end? I know that nobody has a crystal ball. I know that there's no guarantees. I really just wonder if rolling this out with her command along with divorce would be the right call or if it would be seen as me giving up?

Playing the devil's advocate and offering another potential strategy..
If I wait, this guy is "supposed" to be stationed way, far, out of the way. They would only have remote contact at that point. Then she would be at sea with no OM, an email-basedA and a lot on her mind for 6+ months.

To me, "going nuclear" with her command represents greater risk, because I feel like it could create a scenario where she genuinely resents me for realistically impacting her career.. so regardless of A status, I would not be able to regain favor.

The "wait and see" runs minimal risk because if I see that he doesn't go to the command across the country but is instead, going to be on the deployment with her.. I would still have the "nuclear" option.

If OM is not on the deployment with her, leaving her 6mo alone and all she gets from me is that I'm preparing for divorce, it might not be enough to shake her. If she doesn't make Chief, she'll be forced out of the Navy.


This is a lot to think about and I'm admittedly not at my best. I want to be rough and resolute in dealing with the A but how much damage I need to do to implement the strategy for WW is what I'm really struggling with.

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reason,

A word of caution since you are very new to this site. We are not allowed to reference other sites and their articles if they are not related to this site. This is one of the rules that is set up by this site and not by the moderators.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
reason,

A word of caution since you are very new to this site. We are not allowed to reference other sites and their articles if they are not related to this site. This is one of the rules that is set up by this site and not by the moderators.


Oh, sorry.. I'll pay more attention. My last post was in response to threads you shared, but I think I mentioned another one earlier. I apologize.

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I caught the one in your first posting. It's wasn't related to this particular site.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
I caught the one in your first posting. It's wasn't related to this particular site.


Ah, again, apologies. I will endeavor to be more diligent in the future. Thank you for editing it for me smile

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Reason

Im sorry your here but you came to the right place.

One of the biggest misconceptions on here is that the affair/OP is the problem. The affair is a symptom of the problem. Affairs are usually an act of anger based on years of resentment so blowing up the affair is going to make her resent you even more. Im not saying its a bad idea because things typically need to get worse before they get better.

If you think shes gonna come running back to you if the affair ends you are mistaken. This is gonna take many months/years to play out especially if shes in MLC as you suspect.

Every move you make from here on in should come from a place of strength.

Good luck and keep posting.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
Reason

Im sorry your here but you came to the right place.

One of the biggest misconceptions on here is that the affair/OP is the problem. The affair is a symptom of the problem. Affairs are usually an act of anger based on years of resentment so blowing up the affair is going to make her resent you even more. Im not saying its a bad idea because things typically need to get worse before they get better.

If you think shes gonna come running back to you if the affair ends you are mistaken. This is gonna take many months/years to play out especially if shes in MLC as you suspect.

Every move you make from here on in should come from a place of strength.

Good luck and keep posting.


Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all the feedback I can get!

It's not that I think she'll come back when the affair ends, it's that if the affair doesn't end, she won't need to come back.
I'm under no illusions that this is a simple cause/effect situation. It sticks out in my mind as the only thing I have direct influence on and the largest thing that would prevent her from progressing through her MLC (if my assumption is correct). I don't know. I guess I have to admit that I have expectations of how I think this will play out. It's soul crushing to turn around after facing that truth and recognizing that ultimately, there's no telling how this will play out. All I can do is my best.


She has childhood trauma that I forgot to mention. The death of her mother at a young age and molestation from a close relative for a long time. I also didn't elaborate on what makes me think she's in MLC.

She's clearly (to me) gone through denial and anger. A lot of that has to do with age, reproductive health, and my difficulties finding work. I say she's in replay now because she's showing all the signs I've been able to read about. She has done a complete 180 on many of her beliefs. Our kids, her relatives, our friends.. everybody is like WTF happened with her? Not about her dropping the bomb.. her relatives didn't even know.. I'm not saying this couldn't be WAW/WW, but the contradictions and her very obvious depression. Severe mood swings, wanting to be alone, reconnecting with people she hasn't seen since high school. Her relationship with our kids even. She's obsessed with specifically getting to a weight she was at in her high school years.. she was really strangely specific about that.

I only mention this because, to me it gives me hope that if it's a MLC, it's something that she can overcome. If she decided a 6 month relationship was worth breaking up her family, risking her career, etc etc from a non-MLC mindset.. That just doesn't make sense to me, but she's willing to live with me for a year and a half at least in the meantime (for our kids). I dunno.. a lot of this is still so fresh in my mind and I'm honestly thinking out loud.

Thanks for being patient.. this is so hard smirk

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