I had a lot of threads, so to recap if you don't know my story: Thanksgiving time three-ish years ago my W dropped the "it's not working out" and the ILYBINILWY stuff. I find evidence of OM. WW denied and went full aggro on me. Called the police and tried to get me arrested in front of our kids. The whole thing was crazy. Few months later the D was final. Maybe the fastest D in the history of this site. I lost my truck, my house, and dog. Like a country music song. I thought I was losing my life.
About a year later I got a very sincere apology from her. My ex wanted everything back that she threw away. She had it good with me. So we dated again, and she called OM and told him she was wrong for getting involved with him. She took a STD test. She apologized to my kid. She was subservient. And she eventually went back to her narc ways. Being dishonest, etc... then I found out about an addiction issue she successfully hid from me during all the years of marriage. We split up again. We're friendly now. Sometimes she'll call or text me. It's not a big deal. She's been forgiven. She knows a lot of people and will probably be beneficial to me in the future for business purposes.
Anyhow! Three years later and I'm great. My kid is doing well. I finished school. I got a decent raise at work. I bought a new vehicle. I bought my own house that is MY HOUSE. I've had a lot of time to reflect. I went and got a life. I've read a lot about narcissism and learned new ways of healthy coping. I learned a lot about myself. I have made self improvements. I hopefully have taught my son what a strong independent person looks like.
During my D, this site helped save my sanity. The 2x4's, the truth I didn't want to read or hear, the positive thoughts and constructive criticism all helped me. We are all lucky to have this resource.
Some of the big things I learned are:
SAVE YOURSELF. NOBODY IS COMING! Sound harsh? It is. You might find help along the way, but it is up to you to save yourself. You still have to go to work and pay bills. You still have to be a parent and mentor your kids. You still have to be an adult. But you also still have to have fun. You have to laugh again. You have to accomplish goals again. You have to smile again. You still have life to live! GO LIVE IT!
Invest in your own mental health. I went to counselors. I went to Divorce Care. I read books. I read the Bible. I even got medicated until my mood evened out. This goes along with saving yourself. These things are important resources you may need to utilize, because depression and anxiety are formidable enemies that can be lying in wait. Save yourself!
Narcissists will never change. My ex wanted me back, but in a really selfish and codependent kind of way. I had to realize that I'd never be able to trust her again with my emotions, because a narcissist does not care about anybody else's emotions! If your WS is a narcissist, you likely just thought they loved you. But in reality, they are incapable of truly loving anyone else. They are instead, highly skilled manipulators. You know how you read thread after thread on these boards of wayward spouses (of any gender) that all have the same playbook? Yeah. It's an unchangeable mental condition. They ain't gonna change.
Spend the money on a good attorney. The big D is a complicated business transaction. I had a very straightforward process and the WW's attorney was still a very aggressive and very offensive person. If I did not have a well-seasoned attorney on my side I could have easily been manipulated during my moments of weakness. Did I mention divorce is a business transaction? Divorce is a business transaction. Business is brutal. Invest the money in your own future, hire a good attorney.
I did not NEED my ex back. I only wanted her back. I wanted my life back to the way things were because I was comfortable until the BD. I spent years developing our family, our relationships, our home. That's a lot of investment! But at no time did I actually need my spouse to return. I just thought I did, I desired that outcome. But I also wanted a Ford Mustang when I was a kid and I never got it. And things turned out just fine.
I am really good on my own! I still get lonely, but it's OK because I learned that my loneliness is NOT me missing my marriage. At first it seems this way, and WOW do the two feelings go hand-in-hand in the beginning! But they are NOT the same emotions. Things are messy in your heart and your head during a D. Me being lonely is cured by an hour with my kid or a phone call with my friends. Anyone coming out of a LTR needs to read everything they can about codependency. Even if you're not a full blown codependent, learning ways that codependents heal can really help you GAL. And GAL will save your life.
My heart goes out to all of you living through your own situations. Divorce is one of the hardest experiences to survive, but you will make it! You might piece your marriage back together, or you might not. No matter which outcome occurs, you will GAL and become version 2.0 of you. It is going to be OK! Don't give up!
Last edited by job; 12/08/2002:54 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Joe, good to read this. As we tell people all the time, that they are going to be great and have an awesome life even if they end up D'd. So many come to this board with a death grip on their toxic MR and their deeply flawed WAS. And they don't see that deep down they don't even want to go back to the way things were, even if they think that is what they want.
Stick around and help others going through a similar situation with your new found perspective.
Love your advice on a lawyer. So many LBSs fall for the WASs "let's keep it amicable" meaning "I am going to manipulate you into not hiring a lawyer". Going through a divorce without a lawyer is like trying to change out an engine on your car without a mechanic.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey Joe, that's an awesome post and really resonates with me as I approach 10 years post BD. My XW isn't a narcissist but I can 100% back up every bullet point you made. The goal to surviving and eventually thriving isn't to save our M, it's to uncouple ourselves from our spouse and find our own footing. People talk about codependency like it's a bad word but really that's what marriage is SUPPOSED to be- you depend on someone else and they depend on you. You're a team. To lose half that team is a very difficult thing indeed, you feel like your life has been ripped in half because it HAS. So you've got to find a way to make yourself whole again, and as nice as it is to have some support through that, we really have to do all the heavy lifting ourselves.
I think most of us come out the other side never wanting to be -that- codependent again. Good or bad, we tend to keep new romantic interests at arm's length. That's not to say we don't open up to them and such, but we do that while maintaining our independence. We can do just fine on our own, or with someone else. As you said, we learn we don't NEED anyone else. We might want them, but wanting and needing are very different things. I want a Lamborghini but I will never have one and I am happy anyway
Anyway, that was a great post full of wisdom. Glad to hear you are doing well!
I'll echo everyone else's comments and say thanks for posting. It's great to advice from someone several years post-BD. I've re-read it several times and now plan to go through your previous threads when I get a chance.
I find it interesting your Ex came back after an entire year, sincerely apologized, and you tried to reconcile but she again reverted. How long did the "genuine" last until the issues re-surfaced?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I find it interesting your Ex came back after an entire year, sincerely apologized, and you tried to reconcile but she again reverted. How long did the "genuine" last until the issues re-surfaced?
Probably about 4 or 5 months? Maybe 6 at the most.
That was a very tough time in my life. It was almost like every part of me was telling me not to do it except for my brain, and I pressed on. It was not worth it, but I had to do it. I guess I just had to find out, and now I know. It was a costly experiment but I again learned a lot from it.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
