Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
T
tom_l Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
T
tom_l Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by scout12

I suspect that this:

Originally Posted by tom_h
some very unique stresses in my personal life that resulted in lawsuits in 2016.

is the heart of your problem. You've skated over this issue in several different comments. Lawsuits of a personal nature (rather than professional or financial) sound quite troubling. Three years is a long time to hide away from your problems in a mancave. I wonder how much your wife was trying to reach you during this time before she just gave up.

Thank you scout for having read carefully some of my other posts. The lawsuits were not the core of the problem, they were the final straw. At least that's what my STBXW told me in the first weeks after BD.

I was about to tell the story of it here, and actually drafted something, but deleted the post. If you read over the final posts on the previous thread, I felt that there are several here who I cannot trust so will not relay the story here. [They were talking about me as if I were invisible, and they were expert psychologists or something. I will not play their game.]

Suffice it to say that it was about my biological family members attacking me, as the most successful of the children, and not succeeding. I beat them (lawsuits were dismissed) but the emotional and economic cost was considerable. So was the loss of my marriage, and while my BFS (biological family siblings) had not expected that outcome I know they were cheering it.

My STBXW did not stand behind me, she blamed me, and that was one of the betrayals that I would have mentioned earlier too. I had stood behind her during PPD after the children were born (and the severe SSM that went along with it) and she had also been on Zoloft for a good part of our marriage, yet I never once complained not contemplated leaving her. Yet here I was at the peak crisis part of my adult life and she abandoned me. I know I'm not supposed to dwell on this but it does place my hurt in context.

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
T
tom_l Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by LH19
Tom,

One more think I’d like to add. Your W tried to get you into counseling, waited until your children were out of school and doesn’t appear to have another male.

That is a LBS dream for most of us.

Well, I didn't find DB until August this year, a full 11 months after BD, so I can't claim to have known anything about the principles of BD back then.

As I said a few posts ago in the previous thread, I did try the wrong things in the first 90 days but she was totally unresponsive, and actually played some dirty tricks with her attorney. Also, after those 90 days I did most of what DB recommends; dropped contact and focused on my own life.

But there has not been an iota of curiosity from her about me, unless it's through my kids and they're not telling me. So now that we are 14 months from BD day, still not talking, I can only assume -- as I did 10 months ago -- that she is done. Finished. Over.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Hi Tom,

Originally Posted by Tom
I was about to tell the story of it here, and actually drafted something, but deleted the post. I felt that there are several here who I cannot trust so will not relay the story here. They were talking about me as if I were invisible, and they were expert psychologists or something. I will not play their game.

Based on my prior knowledge of most posters, I suspect the comments in your thread were intended more helpful advice than attacks. I have seen you generalize or stereotype more frequently than is common today. I didn't imagine any malice was intended. It reminds me of watching films from the early 80s. It's easy for people born decades ago to fall back on past patterns. I do it myself, at times! It's more than "political correctness". It's learning, evolving, adapting. Treating people more as individuals.

Rose's thoughts echoed my own:

Originally Posted by Rose
Rather than say, "Hmm. It appears that more than one person on this forum sees something repellant about the way I talk about women. I wonder what they are seeing that I'm not?" you quote a dictionary definition at them and ask them to prove their claims.


Post as much or as little as you feel comfortable. We're here to help. I hope as you participate more you will come to see the positive vibes eminating from most in the community. Enjoy your weekend!

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by tom_h
Originally Posted by LH19
Tom,

One more think I’d like to add. Your W tried to get you into counseling, waited until your children were out of school and doesn’t appear to have another male.

That is a LBS dream for most of us.

Well, I didn't find DB until August this year, a full 11 months after BD, so I can't claim to have known anything about the principles of BD back then.

As I said a few posts ago in the previous thread, I did try the wrong things in the first 90 days but she was totally unresponsive, and actually played some dirty tricks with her attorney. Also, after those 90 days I did most of what DB recommends; dropped contact and focused on my own life.

But there has not been an iota of curiosity from her about me, unless it's through my kids and they're not telling me. So now that we are 14 months from BD day, still not talking, I can only assume -- as I did 10 months ago -- that she is done. Finished. Over.

Tom I think you misunderstood me. I agree she is done. The point I am trying to make was your w did directly try to reach you. Most of us were not able to read the signs. For an example my ex never mentioned counseling ever. You didn’t have to miss out on half of your children’s childhood. Some people here children were toddlers when they split. You did not have deal with an OM. One guy on here has a W on OM number 5.

Tom I am not an expert psychologist and I often claim here that I’m not. I have read 100s of stories on here I can usually get a feel for the LBS. I know you can’t see it but I was trying to get you to look at yourself and the part you may have played in the downfall of your marriage. I understand that you are not interested in my advice so I will defer from posting on your thread.

Take care Tom.

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
T
tom_l Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by tom_h
Originally Posted by LH19
Tom,

One more think I’d like to add. Your W tried to get you into counseling, waited until your children were out of school and doesn’t appear to have another male.

That is a LBS dream for most of us.

Well, I didn't find DB until August this year, a full 11 months after BD, so I can't claim to have known anything about the principles of BD back then.

As I said a few posts ago in the previous thread, I did try the wrong things in the first 90 days but she was totally unresponsive, and actually played some dirty tricks with her attorney. Also, after those 90 days I did most of what DB recommends; dropped contact and focused on my own life.

But there has not been an iota of curiosity from her about me, unless it's through my kids and they're not telling me. So now that we are 14 months from BD day, still not talking, I can only assume -- as I did 10 months ago -- that she is done. Finished. Over.

Tom I think you misunderstood me. I agree she is done. The point I am trying to make was your w did directly try to reach you. Most of us were not able to read the signs. For an example my ex never mentioned counseling ever. You didn’t have to miss out on half of your children’s childhood. Some people here children were toddlers when they split. You did not have deal with an OM. One guy on here has a W on OM number 5.

Tom I am not an expert psychologist and I often claim here that I’m not. I have read 100s of stories on here I can usually get a feel for the LBS. I know you can’t see it but I was trying to get you to look at yourself and the part you may have played in the downfall of your marriage. I understand that you are not interested in my advice so I will defer from posting on your thread.

Take care Tom.

This had been my thought for awhile so I'm glad you made the call yourself. Best wishes.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
tom, so a serious question for you. What is it you are looking to get out of your threads? You came here with an already advanced situation. You have little to no contact with your STBXW. You admit to finding DB very late. So obviously the usual newcomer advice may not be appropriate for you. Obviously you should be DBing (GAL, 180s, and detachment), but at this point you already seem to have GAL and detachment down. So when good posters (like LH) start to help you focus on 180s/self-improvements, you get bowed up, defensive, and shut it down.

We all can be better people. I am on record here as struggling with empathy for most of my adult life. Learning to be empathetic has helped me not only in my MR, but also in my day-to-day life. But if I just said "I am not empathetic, that is just who I am!" and refused to be open to learning about empathy, where would that get me?

I do not think you hate women. I think the word "misogynic" gets thrown around way too easily. I think that when you believe in traditional gender roles, the people that do not like that love to slap the misogynic label on you to cancel you and dismiss you. That being said, we can all learn from the way people PERCEIVE us. I am as traditional as they come, yet no one here (yet) has accused me of being misogynic. So when others started to suggest that, or come right out and say it about some of your posts, rather than get defensive and suggest they stop giving you advice is, sorry if this is blunt, close-minded. I may not agree with what someone says or thinks, but I am at least open to hearing their perspective.

Look, I am very open with posters here, if you don't like my advice or what I have to say, just ask me to leave your thread and I will. Though I've offered that to many posters, I cannot think of one that has taken me up on it, even the ones that not liked what I've had to say. I would highly encourage you to rethink backing LH's desire to leave your thread. His insights can be helpful even if they sting a bit. And you can learn from them even if you don't agree with his assessment.

Anyway just a though. But I would like to know what you are looking to get out of your thread, from your perspective.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,277
Likes: 8
I would like to support Steve's initiative here. LH is an awesome poster and it would be detrimental to your progress if he were to leave.

Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
T
tom_l Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Vapo
I would like to support Steve's initiative here. LH is an awesome poster and it would be detrimental to your progress if he were to leave.

LH19 might be awesome elsewhere, but not on my thread. He never engaged. He'd ask a hit-and-run question, I'd give a detailed and thoughtful answer, and he wouldn't come back. Just reappear a week later with another hit-and-run question. I do not consider that "awesome." I consider it lazy.

Countless times he pounded his keyboard asking me how I was going to change and never did the courtesy of looking at my 180s, which I posted on September 30th! [He's not the only one, by the way.] He spent an hour, though, trying to prove I hate women! [Failed at that, too.]

Also, his calling me "Tommy" was condescending. No one has ever done that, even my mother didn't call me that. Might have been a power play on his part for some wierd reason. Whatever, it was disrespectful. I let it go early on because I was new. I should've told him to quit it awhile back.

Last edited by tom_h; 12/08/20 09:15 PM.
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
When I read back, Tom, I see LH taking the time to break down your posts and ask you questions and give some helpful
Feedback. I’m not at all seeing where he asked hit and run questions. I see kindness and validation. He’s also asked some though provoking questions to get you to think and dig deep. What you think is a hit and run question is actually something for you to reflect on and see where you can grow .

In you, throughout this thread, I see defensiveness and stubborness, and at times ignorance. I still haven’t figured out what you have come here for? What your purpose is? As a woman, Or as just a human, I can see why your wife never said anything if this is the kind of response she would be met with if something she may have said to you would invoke this kind of reaction. If she was going to say something not particularly positive that was hurting her or she couldn’t deal with that would be a hit to your who, how would she have taken it? I imagine she planned her exit in the way she did not to be met with this kind of reaction. This might be also why she just won’t talk to you.

The absolute hardest but most rewarding of the whole BD process is being able to look inward and find placed to grow. And admitting where you may have gone wrong and what your part in this is HARD. But cleaning up your side of the street, learning and growing and putting into practice being a better person reaps soooooo many benefits. But at times you have to be able to say “wow, I was kind of an a$$. How can I do better??”

What do you want from here, Tom? Do you want people to just agree with you, or do you want to learn and grow?

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard