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Steve, just breathe. It will all be ok. You are still in the "the end of my marriage is the end of the world!" mindset. It isn't. In fact, like I've said several times, one day you will look back and wonder why you tried to hold on so tight! Your IC will help you work through it. But she is TOXIC and once you drop the rose-colored goggles and see her for the lying, manipulative, narcissistic, cheater that she is, you will be in a much better place.

My last advice. Stay off of social media. At least for a while. SM is a stumbling block for so many LBS. "Oh no, she changed her status from married to single!" "Oh no, she is posting pictures of her and OM. Oh no she has picture of my kid(s) with OM!"

None of what she posts on SM changes any of the truth. Whether she changes her status, whether she posts picture of OM etc.......the truth is that she is still a lying, manipulative, narcissistic, cheater. No matter what she may or may not be posting on SM.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Some sad cry to the ether that nobody actually cares about, I saw it was some some pity me crap and I deleted it. I never post anything. WW must have been stalking it because she text me and asked me why I took it down. I replied with "I don't want anyone to judge you, everyone feels sorry for me and thinks I was a perfect man, its not fair" She said "awww, its okay". I just said kiss our babies for me, goodnite.


And, why did her text compel a responding text from you? You appear to be compulsive. You need a method to follow in order to break your compulsiveness to text her. You chose not to contact her when the nurse (or whoever) asked you, but just one text from your WW takes away any sense of logic. You want to say something to her than will shock her into see what she's done. You want her to feel badly for how you are suffering. Sorry, but it sounds pathetic! Telling her to kiss "our" babies..........seriously? A blind person could see how you are trying to provoke some kind of guilt or pity. Your words DO NOT WORK. Give up the words.

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She said "awww, its okay".


How did her statement make you feel? Can't you see how she mocks you?

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I hope she doesnt reach out today for anything. If its about kids ill say yes, no, whatever minimum.


So your success depends solely on a whether or not your wayward EX reaches out? And, BTW, let's not call it reaching out b/c that leans toward something that's totally opposite of the nature of the WW. She was not reaching out..........she was being nosy. I think she gets her kicks seeing you as a whipped pup.

Remember a few posts ago, you talked on the phone "about the kids", which quickly led to have another R talk. tired You simply experienced a short lived relief of pressure on your emotions. That's all. You won't even admit you called her with the intentions of talking about her, OM, and once again, trying telling her it's not too late to save the M. You have to be honest with yourself. You knew how you were feeling when you made the call.......and yet you excused it by throwing the kids into the conversation. This is not an acceptable kid-related contact!! It was not an emergency.

You told us in so many words that even though it didn't change the sitch.......you did feel better for telling her how you felt. This is such a misconception LBH's have, b/c they think something needs to be said. Even if they feel better after saying the words, They haven't impress the WW by having another talk. This is a basic concept LBH's must have about his WW. I know you still believe you can appeal to her emotions, and it will make her start thinking about what's doing. I KNOW YOU DO.......otherwise why would you continue talking to her? You must believe your words will impact her, and that's why you keep at it. Until you get it in through your head that it only add gasoline to the fire.........our advice/support is useless. She doesn't have a soft spot in her heart that will melt when you explain your feelings & concerns.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I talked to the psychiatrist at work today, he did therapy for 30 years.

He told me that its going to take a long time for me to detatch, in my mind this has only gone on for a little over a month, for her its been several. We are not on the same page here. Shes gone, im still here and until I can match her indifference nothing will change. He doesnt advise that I try to save this M but if I want to have any chance I need to step back and let reality hit her.

He offered me a medication for obsessive thoughts and depression. Im going to take it against my judgment but obviously my judgment isnt so great.

Still havent contacted her and i wont. Sandi I just meant I am glad she hasnt reached out either. I have expected some nonsense reason for her to contact me nothing so far. The silence is hard but its good for me. Ill post again once I do my next therapy session and if anything else comes up. Otherwise my plan is NC, IC and to start these meds.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/03/20 07:28 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Originally Posted by Steve_
I talked to the psychiatrist at work today, he did therapy for 30 years. He told me that its going to take a long time for me to detatch, in my mind this has only gone on for a little over a month, for her its been several.


I agree with your Psych. Except, I don't think she's been thinking this way for months. She's ALWAYS thought this way, she was never yours to begin with. She's broken now and was broken when you first met her.

Steve, believe it or not, IF you do the work, you have an amazing life ahead of you. You will heal, and when you do, that's when the woman you are supposed to be with will come into your life.

Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by Thornton
Second, I would abstain from all social media for the next few months. It was one of the best things I did in my situation and helped me keep my focus on me.


I second this. I got rid of Twitter and FB after the divorce. I'm really glad I did. I only have Instagram--which I signed up for after the divorce and my XW is not a friend. I only have about 40 close family/friends. Thinking about getting rid of that too, but my Mom likes to see pictures of my daughters, and I'm not on it often. My daughters like that I'm not addicted to my phone.

Last edited by harvey; 12/03/20 07:53 PM.
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Yeah I need to get off facebook im gonna delete it today. Not even send a "im getting off FB post" just delete it. I know the inevitable change relationship status will happen, and OM pics will go up eventually. Thats gonna mess me up I need to admit it now. There is nothing I can do. I am ashamed of myself for being so pathetic and weak about this. Im a dang pscyh nurse FFS I should know better than this. My wife is a sick person and so is OM. They got a super expensive townhouse and moved all our stuff there, they went from being friends to a couple living together in like 1.5 months. They been living together now 1.5 months. They just rocketed their kids and lives into this and all I have done is be a cushion for her. I should have went immediately into NC and let her hit this harder. I cant take it back now I can only do the right thing from now on. If im 100% honest with myself I know Ill be okay, in time. It was just hard to accept this massive change so fast, so unexpected, and being lied to this whole time that there was no OM, that we can "always get remarried" . Detachment has been really hard for me, obvious from the posts here. I don't think that OM and my W will work long term there are 1000% different from each other, our kids are totally different and so were our entire lives, but who knows maybe they will. I have to accept that too that the dude I hugged and called my buddy betrayed me and might be raising my kids. She tells me neither one of them wants marriage.. yeah right, maybe at the moment. He will ask to keep her from running, I guarantee it. It just sucked to be so blindsided by everything, asking every day for 2 weeks before BD "are we okay, is everything ok?" and getting a "yeah we are good". Just sick man..

I hate being lonely and so F'd over like nothing, like I meant nothing, that's what hurts the most is how I was simply discarded along with our idea of family and our new home all of it. Everything we worked so hard for was tossed in the trash for OM, his kids, his family.

Im just tired of hurting, tired of feeling this pain, this hole inside me left by the sudden removal of everything I counted on to be there. That's the lesson I took from this, never get comfortable with what you have, never get complacent with your partner. Am I responsible for her cheating on me and running off no? Am I responsible for her feeling like she was a possession I owned and not a gift I should have cared more for? yes. When this pain fades, I do enough NC, IC, and get stable on these meds I will be able to look for a partner that wont cheat over and over and that I can start anew with. At least I get that for my future. My W and OM get to know they are sh!tbags that destroyed thier marriages and are cheaters for the rest of theirs, good for them. I wish my kids weren't in this. My Dr. Friend and one of the MFT's here both think she is a narcissist. I guess its pretty common for people like me to be really messed up when we get discarded. Im gonna start looking into recovering from a narcissist. I didn't want to diagnose her but 2 professionals already did. Cant keep turning my head the other way anymore. Ill be back to update when i get my kids Saturday let you guys know how the rest of the week NC goes and my research on recovering from a narcissist.


Last edited by Steve_; 12/03/20 08:35 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Mar 2019
Posts: 511
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Oh quick snippet. Asked the doctor to go over the DSM-V manual for psychiatric illnesses and asked him how to tell if someone does have full blown NPD. He went over 9 things and if the patient in question has at least 5 the dx can be made. She had at least 7. It blew my mind she has more than traits, she is full blown NPD.

Then he went on to say that Narcissists are never good canidates for therapy because they do not believe they are the issue, its everyone else... wow. I been fighting an impossible battle for years. What a waste.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
No form of empathy
Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes


Last edited by Steve_; 12/03/20 09:00 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,384
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Originally Posted by Steve_
Oh quick snippet. Asked the doctor to go over the DSM-V manual for psychiatric illnesses and asked him how to tell if someone does have full blown NPD. He went over 9 things and if the patient in question has at least 5 the dx can be made. She had at least 7. It blew my mind she has more than traits, she is full blown NPD.

Then he went on to say that Narcissists are never good canidates for therapy because they do not believe they are the issue, its everyone else... wow. I been fighting an impossible battle for years. What a waste.

A grandiose logic of self-importance
A fixation with fantasies of infinite success, control, brilliance, beauty, or idyllic love
A credence that he or she is extraordinary and exceptional and can only be understood by, or should connect with, other extraordinary or important people or institutions
A desire for unwarranted admiration
A sense of entitlement
Interpersonally oppressive behavior
No form of empathy
Resentment of others or a conviction that others are resentful of him or her
A display of egotistical and conceited behaviors or attitudes



Why does this matter? I am almost sorry I mentioned her being narcissistic. You are are obsessing on it. To me it is less about a formal diagnoses (only a qualified psychiatrist can dx her, BTW) and more about recognizing the toxic behavior. If someone is beating you in the face with a ball-peen hammer, you don't stop to figure out why......you just turn and run!

So she is likely narcissistic. Great. Your goal should still be to move on healthy and setup for a happy, awesome life in the future.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Steve, now that you are (and hopefully stay) NC.
Stop talking about her!
We don’t need to hear more about her or OM. Least of all you!

Come here and post about your plans and your progress instead.
If there is an emergency or development with W then maybe mention it or ask if you have a question.

Last edited by Mumin; 12/03/20 10:19 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Steve85, he is a psychiatrist, we sit here and he dx's people with mental health disorders all day, thats why i asked him we are in the office doing telepsych confrences with schizophrenics, multiple personality disorders, psychotic disorders etc. It just helped me to understand the nature of the beast. Im not saying it helps me to rebuild my life at all.

Will do mumin.

Last edited by Steve_; 12/03/20 10:37 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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