No no no, Sage. Trust that he socks. Please stop gaslighting yourself and don’t entertain his attempts for a single minute.
I was kind of surprised to read that you believe you might be trying to nice him back. In what context do you want him back— husband or coparent? And why?
You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick. Parallel parenting for a time might help you get the distance you need to get a more accurate perspective.
If you believe you have work to do on yourself, then do so independently of your relationship and any desired outcome. However, I suspect that you just need to gain some confidence in your own character.
I'm sure you read and are treasuring DnJ's amazing response on his thread to your question about the difference between non-attachment and detachment. Here is something that really struck me in/re your sitch:
Originally Posted by DnJ
Once detached, indifference can be found. And the healing that comes from not being dragged around and being able to search within yourself without all the noise from our MLCer. It’s how one finds their beliefs and values, IMHO.
Then, later, after compassion, understanding, empathy, and such we roll back the indifference. Our feelings and emotions return, and yet we are still detached.
A few things happen along the way. The emotional coupling equipment to our spouse is destroyed. We are no longer dragged around. We also become a “car”. Along those four paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual. We are in control of our own lives. We are the driver.
I may be totally off base on this, but when I read your posts it feels like indifference is somehow a negative state, for you, or that you are viewing it as such. Maybe not. But I do get that sense, and again that you're trying to fast forward past all this pain into the compassion, understanding, and empathy space... and that simply isn't possible. You have to spend time in detachment and indifference before you can find those other emotions, truly.
I am realizing this same thing myself, in my own sitch. Scout posted a beautiful piece on forgiveness and the ingredients it takes to truly forgive on my thread, and there is a lot of similarities between that and what DnJ writes about indifference being a path to compassion/understanding.
It's okay to let go and not care about H for awhile. Are you scared of completely letting go, of what that might mean for you as a person? Can you trust that you will BECOME and the compassion will come rolling in when you're fully ready... but it isn't a process you can hurry, or a step you can skip? (Even DnJ had to go through a process of indifference!! Think of that!!)
I just don't think you're really detached. Being able to have thick skin for the little uglinesses he pitches to you is a great first step... but until you can deal with the full on monstering and think... meh... maybe feel a little sorry and embarrassed for him... that is when you'll know you're detached. Whether consciously or not, he keeps throwing his hook over towards your trailer to see if the coupling equipment is still there, and it keeps hitting the bullseye.
You can't be a driver and a trailer at the same time. You're the driver in absolutely every other aspect of your life. You probably felt like the driver in your MR too, I bet, being the one doing all the emotional work of raising the family and managing the business and household with him traveling, etc.
I feel like you're looking at this awful situation your H has dumped you in and rolling up your sleeves and making a checklist to be sure it turns into the best possible outcome (not unlike how I look at things, too). Detachment? check. Now on to compassion and thoughtful, communicative co-parenting.
But maybe there are a whole bunch of mini steps within detachment and you need to reexamine that big step and sit there for a bit, strengthen your boundaries, practice indifference, and just BE in that space for awhile until it feels comfortable and you're confident that coupler is gone for good.
I know this is so hard. We are all here for you. xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I clearly am struggling more than I thought I was with everything. Reading all of your words and rereading my own journaling proves how far I have to come.
I am not a conflict-avoiding person by nature, but my soul simply cannot stand when things are negative, mean and messy between us. Is it because I am in such shock by this turn of events in my life that I cannot put the pieces together? There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children? And please believe me when I say that there is not a single person in our vast family and friend network who can believe what is happening, so I am not just some blind lackey or Pollyanna in all of this.
Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?
I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
I know deep down he needs to do a lot of work on himself and I am attempting to do the same. So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.
I think May you are right in that I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.
I have to be honest I’m not caught up but I think you may be back in denial. Last I remember you didn’t want to do kid’s birthdays together and now I see you had Thanksgiving together. Then he asks some questions about your whereabouts and I think that got your hopes up. I admire your position to stand but to do so you have to understand there will be a lot of suffering. I don’t remember if divorce is in the process or not but until it’s off the table then I suggest you keep moving forward.
So I got a text from a friend last night that her friend is getting back with his ex w after being divorced for nine years. So it does happen but I would hate to see you suffering for nine years.
Yes, grief is a non-linear process. And one will be in various stages regarding different aspects of their situation.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Is it because I am in such shock by this turn of events in my life that I cannot put the pieces together? There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children? And please believe me when I say that there is not a single person in our vast family and friend network who can believe what is happening, so I am not just some blind lackey or Pollyanna in all of this.
Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?
I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
I know deep down he needs to do a lot of work on himself and I am attempting to do the same. So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.
Grief is about us, our emotions. Acceptance is emotional understanding. Grief progresses not by what happens externally; its progress is from internal movement.
For the most part, it looks like you are currently within bargaining and working towards depression/acceptance.
Bargaining with who or what? The answer - yourself.
Bargaining is the last ditch efforts of trying to keep our lives “normal” and return back to as things were. We attempt all kinds of emotional ideas and bargains until we step into the realization, and depression, that things have changed and there is no going back. Grief is the process of accepting loss.
Remember this is your process. Your emotional self is bargaining right now. Perfectly normal, perfectly fine, perfectly healthy. It’s a process, and not a very fun one at that. (((Sage))) This is a tough thing to get through.
Originally Posted by Sage4
...I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.
Yes, you fear indifference. You are imagining a future event and scared about it.
True, indifference does quiet our feelings towards our spouse. We feel numb towards them. This is a healthy and needed place to be in. One really can hear themselves when all the emotional noise regarding their spouse is muted.
When our feelings do return, we are in a better and accepting place.
A few things to remember and utilize going forward:
Remember your feelings. Remember your stand. Remember it when you are indifferent.
Do not make decisions from emotions or the lack thereof. Remember your feelings do return. Wait until then to decided upon further life altering changes.
You need not decided anything right now. Indifference doesn’t close the door. It just mutes your emotions towards H. We close the door - so don’t do that. Keep standing and moving forward.
Stand for you. Standing really takes on meaning when you are healed enough to stand down.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I also can't kick this feeling that he is going to come back. That we are twin flames as Wayfarer felt with her H. Our marriage has been so good, productive, loving and we have both achieved so much in our lives together, dreamed bigger dreams than either of us could have done on our own and made those dreams into reality.
Much like I told May about eating her sh!t sandwiches I'm going to have to tell you that point of indifference. That loving detachment was a survival skill for me. I waded through these murky ugly waters so well because all the techniques one has to learn to survive this are the ones I learned in childhood simply to survive. This isn't going to be easy for you. This is one of those counterintuitive things we are barked at about over and over again when we got here. Loving someone but giving them the space to make their own mistakes and find their own way is counterintuitive to someone as warm and loving as you. And this will probably be one of the hardest things you'll have to do. But Sage, you're going to have to do it to survive.
H may very well be your twin flame. He may very well come back but that requires the breathing room to do so. To do that that means no more playing house because H feels like it even when Sage doesn't want to, or isn't sure. That means not trying to skip several steps like May said and accepting where you are right now with H. Rushing to an imaginary finish line of happy, healthy co-parents who may find it in their hearts to get back together will do you no good. You aren't in a place to move forward to that, even if you miss and love H. And H isn't either. You guys need time to heal yourself. Find yourselves. Learn, grow, forgive and move on whether that's with or without each other.
I'm still grieving the loss of MR 1.0. I'm still grieving the loss of who I though my H was. But I was perfectly willing to let him go live the life he wanted. Even if I wasn't in it. Because heart broken me alone was better than confused and frustrated me living in the same house as him. Don't confuse your grief and desire to get some control over this situation.
Indifference doesn't mean it's over any more than physical separation means its over. It was over a long, long time ago. You know this. Don't rush or force a restart. He's not in a place to love you the way you deserve. And you are not in a place where you love you more than you love him. Both of those things need to be in place for a restart. The person of value trope thrown around here isn't about making yourself a person of value to your WAS, it's accepting and loving yourself as a person of value and knowing you are worthy of love. And not just any old version of love, but to be loved wholly and deeply for exactly who you are. You can be a lighthouse while protecting yourself. You have to protect yourself to be a lighthouse or the storm will take you too. Love you more than you love him if you can't stomach indifference.
There is something there for me with the children, as in how in the world could a smart, intuitive person like me chosen someone capable of this level of lowness as the father of my children?
I have sat with this question too, for a long long time. Still thinking about it. But... you shouldn't apologize for loving someone. It isn't your fault that he did what he did, or is still doing. It isn't your fault that you weren't able to see into the future and know that this person would be capable of doing this and that you should avoid having children with him. You didn't know. He didn't know, probably, either, that he'd be capable of doing this and if he's anything like my H, a whole lot of his mental energy is going into justifying his behavior to make his actions acceptable. That is all 100% ON HIM. It is not on you. I know this is easier said than done, but try your best to let this one go. it isn't your fault.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Maybe I can be detached but I haven't come to acceptance? I definitely feel like I have had moments of acceptance in the past couple of months, but maybe I am just swinging back in the non-linear grief process?
I agree with DnJ-- this is a very non-linear process. Unchien said to me once maybe a year ago on detachment that the way it works is that you think you're detached, and then you realize you're not yet detached and still have a long ways to go. That keeps happening until one day you actually get there. This has happened to me over and over during this process-- I feel like my pockets are full of pebbles, and I reach in and grab one out and drop it on the ground and then feel free and clear and detached, for a bit. I forget that there were more pebbles in my pocket. Then my pocket starts to feel heavy and I reach in and yep, there are handfuls to go. All you can do is keep taking them out, one at a time, and dropping them on the beach.
Originally Posted by Sage4
So maybe some of my actions come from a place of damage mitigation? That if I stay calm, remain loyal and steady, be the lighthouse, he has less walls to bang against, at least where I am concerned.
As Wayfarer says... unless you really shore up your own foundations first, you can't be the lighthouse or the storm will blow you away too.
I would actually think about this in a different way-- by putting yourself in his presence over and over, you are providing him with a nice big target wall to bang against and blame. Whenever you are there, he can avoid looking inside because he can blame everything on you. Remove yourself and let him work this out on his own. (Didn't you say the same to me not so long ago-- that by interfering with my H's ability to process his own emotions with my own silence or anger, I'm preventing him from doing the internal work he needs to do? I feel like this could be applied to you as well?)
I honestly think every time this happens, every time he is an unnecessary @sshole to you, it increases his own emotional distance from you. If he is anything like my H (and I do think our sitches have a lot of similarities) every time he does this, he knows it and it makes him feel more guilty and bad for being mean to you. That makes him distance himself even more from you because he feels horrible about it, and also drives him to the justification train where the only reason he's doing this is because you're so terrible to be around. My H has told me this was a big part of his monstering behavior and mindset back when he monstered. So don't give him the opportunity to do this. Remove yourself from the equation and give him the space he needs to do his own work.
Originally Posted by Sage4
I think May you are right in that I fear indifference. I am worried that once I reach indifference, I will leave this relationship behind forever. That indifference will close the door forever. And maybe I am not ready for that.
Oh Sage, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I felt the exact same way about my H leaving--- that would be it, I'd shut that emotional door and be done forever. And there is something very very sad about that idea. But you don't know that to be the truth, that indifference will lead you to leave this R behind forever. Or, if you do shrug off the ties weighing you down to your H right now, why can't your future look like running through those Sound of Music flower fields? That freedom from caring about your H will allow you to pilot your own ship without being dragged around by his insecurities and bad decisions? And maybe your own handsome philanthropist is right around the corner for you, too.
I know you spent some time envisioning your life in the future with a repaired R with your H. Have you done the same without him in it? If not, what is stopping you? (This really helped me, FWIW)
I'll leave you with one last thought. Your M1.0 and the twin flames you had with your H is gone. It is awful and sad and you deserve to grieve about the loss of that love for as long as you need to. But I do think you need to fully grieve that chapter in your R with your H before you can turn the page and see what's next. Honor it-- maybe some ritual will help you do this fully-- and then turn the page.
I'm excited to see what is on the next page for you. I think the next chapter should be Sage's chapter, where you can sand down the broken coupling on your trailer and fix the engine and steering mechanisms so that you can drive it yourself. Let your H work on his own stuff for awhile without you to bang up against.
Maybe a future chapter holds perfect loving co-parents. Maybe it is M2.0. But you can't skip ahead... this is one book you have to read and experience every word or you'll be stuck.
xx M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I have to be honest I’m not caught up but I think you may be back in denial. Last I remember you didn’t want to do kid’s birthdays together and now I see you had Thanksgiving together. Then he asks some questions about your whereabouts and I think that got your hopes up. I admire your position to stand but to do so you have to understand there will be a lot of suffering. I don’t remember if divorce is in the process or not but until it’s off the table then I suggest you keep moving forward.
LH, you found me! Thanks for popping over to this side of the forum and sharing your clear vision. Yes, I struggled with the birthday, allowed him to come in the end due my child's begging and things were OK for awhile so Thanksgiving was on offer. I felt very detached, happy in myself and my future the past month, which of course attracted H's attention. I wasn't phased by the attention until I let my expectations get the better of me. Which is why I am now back in the suffering. It's all on me. I see that. And no, I do not want to suffer for 9 years, or even for one more month if I am really honest with myself.
Originally Posted by DnJ
True, indifference does quiet our feelings towards our spouse. We feel numb towards them. This is a healthy and needed place to be in. One really can hear themselves when all the emotional noise regarding their spouse is muted.
Thanks DnJ. Your posts have been so helpful to me and so eloquent. But this line above is my lesson in a nutshell. I get it. I want indifference. I see the value; I am not afraid of it anymore.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
This isn't going to be easy for you. This is one of those counterintuitive things we are barked at about over and over again when we got here. Loving someone but giving them the space to make their own mistakes and find their own way is counterintuitive to someone as warm and loving as you. And this will probably be one of the hardest things you'll have to do. But Sage, you're going to have to do it to survive.
Hi darling WF. I get this, I really do. I have no false illusions that he is going to be capable of doing any self work when I am around and in the picture. And honestly, I am not capable of doing the work I need to do on myself with him in the picture. I am grateful that he is out of my house and I am absolutely comfortable giving him the space he needs. No matter the outcome.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
H may very well be your twin flame. He may very well come back but that requires the breathing room to do so. To do that that means no more playing house because H feels like it even when Sage doesn't want to, or isn't sure. That means not trying to skip several steps like May said and accepting where you are right now with H. Rushing to an imaginary finish line of happy, healthy co-parents who may find it in their hearts to get back together will do you no good. You aren't in a place to move forward to that, even if you miss and love H. And H isn't either. You guys need time to heal yourself. Find yourselves. Learn, grow, forgive and move on whether that's with or without each other.
I agree completely. And I totally get this too. After reading your post, here is where I think I am stuck: we are in a cycle of operant conditioning, Skinner's Box where rats are rewarded with food or punished with an electric shock and learn what works and what doesn't. So when I am kind, open, willing, evolved and inclusive, H mirrors those 'positive' qualities most of the time. When I do the inverse, H mirrors the 'negative' qualities and doubles down on the negative intensity. So like a little lab rat, I have learned how I need to behave to gain the greatest reward. And because it is in my nature to be positive, open, willing, inclusive it is easier for me to behave this way, it feels more authentic to me.
So getting to a place of 'dim' or saying no to Christmas morning together goes against both my primal nature and the operant conditioning of my situation. So where do I go from here?
Originally Posted by may22
I would actually think about this in a different way-- by putting yourself in his presence over and over, you are providing him with a nice big target wall to bang against and blame. Whenever you are there, he can avoid looking inside because he can blame everything on you. Remove yourself and let him work this out on his own. (Didn't you say the same to me not so long ago-- that by interfering with my H's ability to process his own emotions with my own silence or anger, I'm preventing him from doing the internal work he needs to do? I feel like this could be applied to you as well?)
I honestly think every time this happens, every time he is an unnecessary @sshole to you, it increases his own emotional distance from you. If he is anything like my H (and I do think our sitches have a lot of similarities) every time he does this, he knows it and it makes him feel more guilty and bad for being mean to you. That makes him distance himself even more from you because he feels horrible about it, and also drives him to the justification train where the only reason he's doing this is because you're so terrible to be around. My H has told me this was a big part of his monstering behavior and mindset back when he monstered. So don't give him the opportunity to do this. Remove yourself from the equation and give him the space he needs to do his own work.
Yes, yes, yes. Getting my own advice back is golden, thanks sweet May!
I recognize that *I* need more space, to allow myself to detach more, keep dropping those pebbles on the beach at my own pace. But back to the operant conditioning: when I back off, he mirrors that only in an amplified, hurt, insecure, lashing-out-monster way. And I don't know if I have mentioned this in any of my early posts, but in our M, H felt rejected by me (SSM) and that I could be cold and aloof with him at times. So him perceiving me as 'distant' is really triggering for him. Me going dark puts him in a panic and does not facilitate growth in him (and even if he doesn't heal for our M, I am still invested in his psycho-emotional growth as he has an impact on my children).
So I guess here is my burning question: until I reach indifference, how do I authentically (true to me, true to him) navigate our interactions that do the least amount of harm (to me, to the R)?
Thank you guys for being my sounding board. I don't know what I would do without your wise perspectives right now.
After reading your post, here is where I think I am stuck: we are in a cycle of operant conditioning, Skinner's Box where rats are rewarded with food or punished with an electric shock and learn what works and what doesn't. So when I am kind, open, willing, evolved and inclusive, H mirrors those 'positive' qualities most of the time. When I do the inverse, H mirrors the 'negative' qualities and doubles down on the negative intensity. So like a little lab rat, I have learned how I need to behave to gain the greatest reward. And because it is in my nature to be positive, open, willing, inclusive it is easier for me to behave this way, it feels more authentic to me.
So getting to a place of 'dim' or saying no to Christmas morning together goes against both my primal nature and the operant conditioning of my situation. So where do I go from here?
Yes!! Let's work with this.
Your H has been reinforced for his d!ckish behavior also, like a little lab rat. I'm not sure of the exact mechanism in your situation-- it could either be that you capitulate and give in to him, or you get angry and snap and reinforce his belief that you're the bad guy. Either way, he is getting something out of this behavior and the interaction with you, otherwise HE WOULDN'T DO IT. It could just be a sick satisfaction that he still has the power to make you respond emotionally to him, whether positively or negatively.
What you're experiencing when you stop reinforcing the behavior you are trying to extinguish-- when he acts like a jerk and you ignore it, walk away, don't respond-- and remember, getting angry is a response-- what he is going to do at first is increase the intensity of the response-- an extinction burst. Like the rat trained to press the paddle for a reward, when the kibble stops spitting out of the chute after pressing the paddle, the rat doesn't give up right away. It starts pressing it harder and more frequently... why isn't this dang paddle working??? Until finally the rat gives up on the paddle and starts sniffing around to see if there is something else it can do to earn a treat.
And as you probably well know, intermittent, random schedules of reinforcement produce behavior that is the most difficult to extinguish... and unless you've responded the exact same way every time he does XYZ, he's on a variable schedule. The last, most intense explosions of his previously reinforced behavior will be the extinction burst and it will make you feel crazy... but it means it is almost at an end.
So. When you ignore his cr@p, and he responds with more intense negativity... STAY THE COURSE. If not, you're only teaching him that he has to get nastier in order to get a response from you.
Originally Posted by Sage4
But back to the operant conditioning: when I back off, he mirrors that only in an amplified, hurt, insecure, lashing-out-monster way. And I don't know if I have mentioned this in any of my early posts, but in our M, H felt rejected by me (SSM) and that I could be cold and aloof with him at times. So him perceiving me as 'distant' is really triggering for him. Me going dark puts him in a panic and does not facilitate growth in him (and even if he doesn't heal for our M, I am still invested in his psycho-emotional growth as he has an impact on my children).
He may be triggered by your coolness, but you know in your heart you aren't being cruel or cold. You simply aren't acting like his wife anymore, because he has separated from you.
I definitely think this is something that is going to get worse before it gets better, and like everything else, there is only one way through it. This goes for both of you. You need to break yourself of these unhealthy interactions too. And he will only learn when there are actual consequences to his behavior. Otherwise, you are stuck in this cycle forever.
Again, from a pure behavioral standpoint, if we wanted to pretend like he's a lab rat and you're the trainer, beyond simply not reinforcing the behaviors you don't want to see and reinforcing those you do-- and this could be as simple as smiling when he's being nice and withdrawing and not responding to a rude remark, simply taking a beat and then going on as if he never said anything, or as dramatic as walking out of the house and driving away, or hanging up the phone, when he's being a jerk-- the other thing you might consider is not putting him in a situation where he can screw up. For example, if you want your rat to stop pressing that paddle, you could remove the paddle from its environment for awhile (maybe taking a break from seeing each other or talking on the phone). You can reinforce an incompatible behavior-- do you notice he is usually better when the kids are around, for instance? Don't be alone with him, and reinforce his positive interactions when you're with the kids.
You also want to be very sure that what you perceive to be positive reinforcement for him, though, really is. After BD it seems to me that a lot of this gets turned on its head. Whereas you being kind to your H used to be reinforcing, it may actually be negative because it triggers guilt in him. So I'd be very careful here (and again... I can't emphasize enough that taking a break from trying to be best friends is probably your best bet, for both of you.)
OK. I totally went down a rabbit hole here, and am tempted to delete half of this but will leave it just in case it is helpful. If not, ignore it. My main point was that you're going to get an extinction burst when you stop reinforcing his behavior.
Also. It is OKAY to not worry about his mental state for awhile. As long as he isn't a danger to himself or the kids, forget him and his issues. You don't need to solve his problems for him, remember? Your job is to heal you and your children. Putting it like "facilitating his growth" is-- sorry-- just making excuses for still trying to fix him.
(((sage)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thanks so much May, I am happy you didn't delete any of your thoughts, I needed all those words to truly understand.
The net net bottom lesson of all of this is that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Niceness enhances his guilt and shame; distance triggers childhood and M trauma. I can't win. Ugh, this is all so much work. If I didn't have these darling children, I would be running as fast as I could in the opposite direction as H.
I think it is clear that I need more space. That I am getting too wrapped up in his feelings, his responses and in essence enabling his leaving by allowing us to play good friends and happy family on his terms. I just need to remind myself of Thanksgiving-- totally on his terms and at the detriment to my own needs-- hold me to this one when I wobble, OK?
The best I have felt in the past year of my situation was during this past month of detachment. It was also the first time that H started to wobble a little. And I believe his wobble mattered more to him than me at the time... he was the one who was really uncomfortable with the wobble, and my internal response was 'oh, he's wobbling, interesting.'
But then the Covid exposure really did a number on me. I allowed H to gain a foothold of power over me and my detachment in my moment of vulnerability. I watched my other exposed friends snuggle in close with their partners and children; meanwhile I was imagining dying alone and it made me feel really, really down.
And during all of this I am justifying my every (quarantined) move to him a la Spanish Inquisitions. (I have put an end to that, BTW, I have said everything I need to say about my fidelity and that I won't discuss it again until circumstances change and I will hold firm to this by walking away, hanging up or just ignoring his craziness).
My lesson is to move back towards detachment and aim for indifference. I am so sick of this.
