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R2C: Thanks for the message. I would not send one of the kids teachers a message for Thanksgiving, but I did send her one. All it said was Happy Thanksgiving.

And, I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back. She was my best friend, and we were actually friendly to the end. We never fought much and we always shared our lives with one another. That's led to me feeling very lonely because I don't have my friend anymore.

BUT as I evaluate our relationship, her resentment, the destruction of trust, and the work we would have to do to rebuild, makes me think that its probably not possible for it to work. The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.

And then there were the unhealthy habits we had - she would really light me up if I did something for myself or with friends. She would tell me how selfish I was. It got to the point I didn't even want to invite my parents over because she made it uncomfortable.
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As much as I'm trying to GAL, I'm just struggling to detach and move on. I'm not sure what more I can do. I have decided to start my IC back up, which I hope will help me process everything. I'm very sad, but not depressed.

My kids are doing great and seem to have really accepted this - which oddly makes it harder because I feel like I'm all alone in my sadness - its weird.

I had the kids last night and that was great. We tried to decorate the house for Christmas and made a mess because I've never done it before. We have stuff all over the place and we'll work more on it tonight. Thursday and Friday they will be with their mom and then I get them for 5 days straight, which will be awesome - of course then I won't have them for the 5 days after that which will be hard. I'm already trying to think of plans for those days.

My parents come back to town in mid-December, so I'll have family I can hang with when I'm down, which is great, but they don't really understand and its not the same as having MY family.

I know that dealing with this pain is a process and it will take time. I hope IC can help me get through it faster.

I guess from a DB standpoint, continuing with No Contact and GAL are the most important steps.

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I got some good advice today. “If it’s easy, don’t do it.” That was from a divorcee who was basically saying as I go through this to remember who i am. I liked that.

And in one of LHs posts on a different thread he talked about someone being in love with being married, as opposed to being in love with their spouse. That really resonated with me.

Both of those thoughts are making me think.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back....The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.
So this is key.

You fix you. You become the best you. You learn new ways to interact with people. You learn new behaviors.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Scott,

I’m sorry you are struggling lately, we’ve all been there. I promise you it does get easier with time and you can’t go wrong with IC.

One thing I swear by is working out in tandem with working on your issues in therapy. It’s important to have both a healthy mind and a healthy body. You will sleep better, feel better, and look better. You will also start to gain your confidence again.

If you haven’t already, start working out and doing some cardio. And make sure you’re physically exhausting yourself when working out. Hope that helps.

Hang in there.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
And, I don't know that it makes sense to re-attract her. Of course, right now that's what I want and I would take her back. She was my best friend, and we were actually friendly to the end. We never fought much and we always shared our lives with one another. That's led to me feeling very lonely because I don't have my friend anymore.

BUT as I evaluate our relationship, her resentment, the destruction of trust, and the work we would have to do to rebuild, makes me think that its probably not possible for it to work. The reality is that she would have to do her work and she's never really been willing to do that.

And then there were the unhealthy habits we had - she would really light me up if I did something for myself or with friends. She would tell me how selfish I was. It got to the point I didn't even want to invite my parents over because she made it uncomfortable.


Hey Scotty, I can relate to all of this. I miss her and feel lonely, but of course the rejection makes it all feel worse. The evaluation you speak is really helpful, I try and visualise what it would be like if she came back today, but with no changes. And honestly, it doesn't look very appealing.

I agree, she would would have to do her work too, and like your W, my W has never seen the need nor had the inclination to do it. How I am looking at it now is, if she came back and wanted to do the work (and it isn't too late) then great, but if she doesn't want to do the work, then also fine, because she isn't the type of person that I want to be with. So either way, the choice becomes that bit easier to deal with in that sense.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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I learned a simple lesson tonight. I texted my wife to ask for one of our laundry baskets back. We had four of them and she took all of them and I just wanted one (I now have none). So 3 hours later I’m sitting here gripping because i haven’t heard back. That was stupid. Go no contact, stay no contact, but a stupid laundry basket.

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Scotty B

Lol you will learn the hard way. Amazon Prime is a must my friend especially in the middle of a pandemic.

Trust me you will get to a place where you will hate to ask her anything and will recoil when you see a text from her.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
I learned a simple lesson tonight. I texted my wife to ask for one of our laundry baskets back. We had four of them and she took all of them and I just wanted one (I now have none). So 3 hours later I’m sitting here gripping because i haven’t heard back. That was stupid. Go no contact, stay no contact, but a stupid laundry basket.


When you do things out of the emotion. Anger ("SHE TOOK ALL THE LAUNDRY BASKETS!"). A sense of right ("I SHOULD AT LEAST GET 1 OF THEM BACK!") Or even hurt: ("WHY WOULD SHE TAKE ALL 4 AND LEAVE ME WITH NONE?") It is hardly ever going to be the right thing. I learned in my own sitch years ago that when I was emotional, DB principles went out the window. But when I remained calm and even, and even chuckled at the circumstance ("Ha, she even took all 4 laundry baskets...what a nut!") then I was able to think clearly, remember what I had learned, and apply it.

It doesn't come naturally though. Our first instinct is to do what you did. I failed early on too, but I remained committed to DBing and got better at it. I was never separated from my W, we were IHS, but she did a lot of little things to "test" me. Learning to let go and realize BEFORE you give into your instincts that "it is just a laundry basket!" will eventually become easier for you.

One tactic we try to get LBSs to try is to come here and use the forum as a test balloon. "Hey, my STBXW took all 4 of the laundry baskets when she moved out. Should I text her and ask for one back?" The forum is really good at giving you advice before you take action. So next time you have the urge to fire off a text message, even in response, come here first and get advice.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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On the stupid laundry basket, she text me back three hours later and said she would leave one on the porch when I dropped off the kids stuff.

Dropping off the kids at school today was really hard. I started tearing up as I drove away, I parked and shed some tears in the parking lot. Got to work and a colleague asked how I was doing and that got me again - I could hardly talk and started to cry. Even typing this message I'm tearing up.

I'm finding that at this time, when I have the kids and they call her I get angry and jealous. I'm mad at her and I don't want them talking to her on my time - of course I allow it, I'm just sharing my feelings here.

And then as the clock winds down and I have to let the kids go and I know I won't see them for a couple of days, I just tear up and start to cry.

I want to talk to her to - I'd love to know how her tennis went yesterday, but missing her isn't my challenge right now. Its really focused on the time I'm losing with the kids. That's what is getting me the most.

I also want to let them be who they are and live their lives, but when I have them I'm worried I'm overburdening them by wanting to talk with them and spend time with them, such that they might feel pressured.

The next couple of weeks will just continue to be very hard. I'm dreading next week when I go five days without them. I'm trying to make plans to stay busy, but I'm still dreading it.

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